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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Co-Parenting Expectations 8 week old baby

84 replies

MummyL0 · 19/12/2022 17:46

So my ex (34 with 2 kids from previous) and I (24 first baby) had been on and off my whole pregnancy, he really messed me about being so hot and cold all the time. The pregnancy was unplanned but I was happy and hopeful before everything started to go south.

2 weeks before baby was due he was checking in with me to see how things were going, I asked if he wanted to be there at the birth and he said no and then backtracked and tried to get me to ask him again but at that point I had already asked my mum and sister to come with me. I guess that's irrelevant info for my question. Basically he had just been an arse the whole relationship and I'm just now seeing how horrible he was now (he's getting worse lol)

When baby was born he came to visit and all was well, we still had feelings for eachother and he said he wanted to help out with her and that he wanted to be a family. When baby was 4 days old he pressured me into letting him take her out on his own for the day, I reallllyyy did not feel comfortable with this but he wore me down and I gave in. Things have happened since and we are now not on good terms. I don't let him have the baby overnight as I feel they are just too young and there is smoking in the house (he denies this yet baby comes home smelling like an ashtray almost every time (except when he takes her to his exs house!! "to see his other kids"))

Funny thing is he refuses point blank to come into my house as he feels my family hate him, they don't exactly like him but he hasn't even gone near any of them/me to even know this. I think he's embarrassed about how he has been treating me. They also work during the day so he could easily come when they are at work but he still says no.

Currently he has the baby on a Tuesday (from 3pm) and all day Saturday. He brings LO home at 9:30/10pm and I think this is too late. I even think him taking her for hours on end is a bit much. I tried to explain that little and often would be better but he is saying I'm trying to stop him from seeing LO. I have never tried to stop him.

Until she was 6 weeks old I had to pack a bag with nappies wipes clothes and bottles because he didn't have anything in his house. I have received £90 in 8 weeks from him and can't keep up with his demands of seeing them. I appreciate that he wants to have a relationship with them but they are only a baby and need to get into a routine/know where home is.

AIBU for wanting the baby home at a reasonable time say 7:30/8pm and not allow overnights until she is older??

OP posts:
SleekMamma · 19/12/2022 20:10

OP this is absolutely not ok. Because you are not ok with it.
You are the mum, you are the boss of your baby.
Your ex might want to see the baby. However baby is too young to need to see him! Far too young.

PomegranateOfPersephone · 19/12/2022 20:20

MummyL0 · 19/12/2022 19:54

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I understand the need for baby to have relationship with father. He has two other kids so obviously knows a bit about raising a baby but he is expecting DD to be able to manage the same visiting schedule as the two older kids which isn't right.

I'm deffo going to nip it in the bud and not allow her to be away for such long periods of time, I feel absolutely awful for even allowing it in the beginning but here we are. I'd feel comfortable for a few hours in my house every other day and he can take her out for a few hours on a Saturday to be with her siblings/family. I think this is in her best interests.

She lives with me and goes 3-4 days without even hearing his voice and then goes and spends all day in an unfamiliar environment with people who she doesn't really know. I understand she has to get to know them- and she will at some point- but at the minute I think the most important thing is for DD to feel secure and have a routine, and for us to be able to build on our communication before.

Sounds like a great plan OP.

Yousee · 19/12/2022 20:22

I'd be prepared to read and enaction the "psycho bitch from hell won't let me see my kid" handbook on this prick to be perfectly honest.
I don't even have that deep a co parenting relationship with my husband when it comes to our 3 month old. Our 3 year old is definitely a joint enterprise but tiny babies need their mothers. End of story.

YoBeaches · 19/12/2022 20:56

Don't forget you can also speak to your a health visitor for discussion and advice.

Is he on the birth certificate? His expectations are entirely unreasonable. The fact he has two kids shows how little he learnt the first two times.

BeeDavis · 19/12/2022 21:00

RunningFromInsanity · 19/12/2022 19:04

People let Dads see their babies for a couple of hours a week and then complain when there is no bond as they grow up.

And also complain that the dad’s aren’t interested in looking after/playing/interacting with their child! Wonder why……..

Original poster
MummyL0 · 19/12/2022 21:12

BeeDavis · 19/12/2022 21:00

And also complain that the dad’s aren’t interested in looking after/playing/interacting with their child! Wonder why……..

Show quote history

Oh no I'm more than happy for him to look after/see the baby, I've actually welcomed the idea, but pressuring me to agree to arrangements that

  1. I'm not comfortable with during the early post partum stage and
  2. Are not in the baby's best interests.

There's more to the story but sending her away for long periods of time and with veryyy limited to zero communication about her day when she returns home isn't okay with me.

I've suggested mediation to try and come up with arrangements we both agree with but he has refused. So far, either he gets his own way or pesters/verbally abuses me until I give in. So yeah I feel things have to change. It's not fair on our daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyL0 · 19/12/2022 21:15

I'm sure as baby gets older and he proves himself reliable/trustworthy that arrangements will change i.e. he can have overnight access and longer stretches during the day. IMO the current set up isn't feasible or fair on a new wee baby

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 19/12/2022 21:36

Definitely seek advice from your health visitor. Log all the times he's abusive and keep any abusive messages.

musingsinmidlife · 19/12/2022 21:46

The idea that a baby can only attach to one person and therefore must only be with their mother is an old school belief that research and science has modified. It is very possible for babies to bond and form attachments to both parents as early as infancy. I am not advocating for overnights just clarifying that those who seem to think that the baby seeing their father would be damaging and that the baby needs to only be with their mother have a view that is not supported by science or research.

Beanbagtrap · 19/12/2022 21:49

The smoke would be the end of any discussion about him taking baby. Even him touching the baby with nicotine stained hands is grim.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 20/12/2022 06:59

BeeDavis · 19/12/2022 21:00

And also complain that the dad’s aren’t interested in looking after/playing/interacting with their child! Wonder why……..

Show quote history

Oh yeah, this dad should disappear off for hours at a time with a newborn to his smokey house to "bond" because he refuses to do it in his baby's home. Don't be so stupid.

Naunet · 20/12/2022 07:36

BeeDavis · 19/12/2022 21:00

And also complain that the dad’s aren’t interested in looking after/playing/interacting with their child! Wonder why……..

Show quote history

Yeah? Poor dads who don’t even pay maintenance for their child, so hard done by in not being able to have an 8 week old over night, when they don’t even bother to have nappies at their house. Is that all mums fault too?

Naunet · 20/12/2022 07:38

OP, why isn’t he paying child support? Put in a claim and stop providing him with nappies etc, he’s the father, that’s his job.

RedHelenB · 20/12/2022 07:42

Notanotherone6 · 19/12/2022 18:54

At 8 weeks old, dad shouldn't have as much right as mum does. Babies are designed to need their mum constantly at that age. It can affect their brain development and can be extremely detrimental them to be removed from their mum for hours at a time.

A couple of hours at most is probably right, or, better still, parents who are actually in a loving relationship rather than using a newborn as a weapon.

Show quote history

Some mums go back to work at 2weeks. It isn't damaging as long as baby is cared for properly.

londonrach · 20/12/2022 07:47

A baby that young should not be away from the mum for more than a few hours. I'm shocked he had baby overnight at 4 days. Please get some proper advice here. What the midwife say if they turned up and baby not with mum who just given birth.

SleeplessInEngland · 20/12/2022 07:49

Sigh. Why do so many women have children with dickheads.

Noname99 · 20/12/2022 08:14

OP - please ignore that utter nonsense on here from some ridiculous posters. Mothers are not more important than fathers. Midwives do not call social services if babies are with their fathers!! You are equally responsible for your child and if more women didn’t behave like utter selfish idiots then maybe more children would have both parents in their lives. Many many women go back to work at 6/8 weeks and their children are cared for by family or professional child care. These babies are not damaged by this decision. Attachment theory is widely debunked - the research is based on children abandoned in Romanian orphanages for goodness sake not children who have time with other family members. If you want your child to have a significant and real relationship with her father then encourage as much contact early on so they bond. If you limit it to a couple of hours every few days then don’t be surprised when her father doesn’t bond with his child and drifts off and barely sees her or when your child ‘doesn’t want to stay with their father.’ Your daughter will not develop a parent relationship with someone she sees for a short sporadic time. I think it is fantastic that he is having this time now - encourage this - you want a child with a rock solid relationship with both parents.

The smoking however is an issue that you need to address. If it’s him who is smoking he needs to do everything he can to keep his baby away from it. You need to discuss him ensuring he changes clothes, only smokes outside of the house and keeps the house smoke free. If it’s the people he lives with then he needs to try to alter that asap.

If you can’t agree maintenance between you then go to the CMS and ask them to sort it for you. If he’s showing this much interest in his daughter now then hopefully he will be financially supportive.

His previous relationship with you is immaterial now - you have a child together. Keep it about her not you or him. The best outcome is that she has a real
relationship with you both from the start.

Original poster
MummyL0 · 01/01/2023 02:55

Update:
Okay so he didn't take to my message too well... he didn't reply to me, he just showed up at my parents house that evening when I wasn't home and made a show of himself outside. That was his second temper tantrum in 10 days, I'm mortified with all the drama, my neighbours must love me ffs. He basically said he does not agree with me, I'm driving a wedge him and his daughter and also that he has taken legal action. He apparently has a meeting in the new year.... This all happened before Christmas BTW & I blocked his number and since then all communication has been through my dad as I can't deal with all the stress anymore.

  • 2 days before Xmas I was the one who had to message him to arrange contact on Xmas day (cos he's so eager obv!!) - - He failed to pay CS on Xmas eve.
  • I lent him the chassis part of MY Pram with no hesitation (bought before he sent me a penny) and he didn't even say please or thank you.
  • He hasn't bothered to ask about her all of this week, I told him she had her jabs on Thursday and the Dr changed her milk again (CMPA) and he didn't even ask for an update on either situation.
  • I'm not even sure if he got her anything for Xmas. I understand he doesn't have to send it up with DD but surely you'd want your child to get the most out of their gifts. I'm not that bad where I wouldn't send it back down with her ffs.
  • Sent CS this week and asked for contact tomorrow which I agreed to- I suggested 11-2 as she's cranky from the milk and jabs etc, but he pushed until we agreed 11-4, better than 9:30 I guess 🙄

I'm at my wits end here, I don't understand why he's going to a solicitor, I'm not denying him access & he doesn't bother asking about her so what am I to do?? All I've asked is for shorter, more frequent contact, some of which should take place in her home environment to save all the hassle of getting her kitted up to leave the house unnecessarily. It's not as though I'm taking him out of his way he works literally 5 minutes from my house.

This is really starting to get me down & I really don't want to stop contact, but I'm starting to feel like it may be my only option to get some respect, his behaviour towards me and regarding our daughter isn't acceptable. His actions and words are telling me two different things.
Any advice??

OP posts:
Patap · 01/01/2023 03:29

Have you actually put him on the birth certificate? That will affect whether he has parents responsibility.
Legal involvement may not be a bad thing, a formal agreement over frequency and times might be better than his hissy fits and demands.

Remember there are so such things are a parental rights, only responsibilities.
Attachment theory is not ‘totally debunked’, although it was based on a western societal model. Baby knows your smell, and your voice as you carried her for 9 months.

As an example here my 1 year old daughter has a primary attachment to me but an amazing relationship and secondary attachment with my parents. This didn’t start with them taking her from me for whole days- it was built up by a few hours at a time when she was tiny, first overnight (with me in the same house) at six months, building up gradually. It is perfectly possible and he needs to do things in this way.

Murdoch1949 · 01/01/2023 03:41

Slightly shocked you allowed your very young baby to be taken for the whole day, albeit under pressure. You must not give in to pressure, that is totally unacceptable. You need to see a solicitor, think carefully about what you regard as reasonable access, then stick to it. For her to be in an environment with smoke is not negotiable, he needs to be told this as part of the agreement.

superorganisms · 01/01/2023 04:21

I don't know the legal details but perhaps worth you also arranging a meeting to get some legal advice? There is alsoa Legal board here you could post on. Although from what you've written, I suspect you have a much stronger case than him.

But what I came to say is, go with your gut. You know he's acted terribly. You know having your baby returned to you smelling like an ashtray isn't right. You know a baby of this age shouldn't be separated from you for that long.

I understand that he's pressuring you, and it sounds very stressful to deal with. But a large part of being a parent is understanding that your job is to advocate for your child's best interests, however difficult or uncomfortable it is. So be firm about how long he can have her for. Do not bullied. He makes a scene at your house? Call the police to get it on record. Stop contact.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/01/2023 04:32

ThreeLittleDots · 19/12/2022 18:04

Christ alive... Expecting a baby to go off without its mother on DAY FOUR?!!! Jesus wept.

Keep her away from him, he obviously can't be trusted not to keep her away from smoke. If he won't visit in your home then tough tits.

I know. It's beyond the pale.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/01/2023 04:34

Stop revolving your life around him, ffs!!! Start prioritizing the welfare of that vulnerable child.

Zatroya · 01/01/2023 04:49

Noname99 · 20/12/2022 08:14

OP - please ignore that utter nonsense on here from some ridiculous posters. Mothers are not more important than fathers. Midwives do not call social services if babies are with their fathers!! You are equally responsible for your child and if more women didn’t behave like utter selfish idiots then maybe more children would have both parents in their lives. Many many women go back to work at 6/8 weeks and their children are cared for by family or professional child care. These babies are not damaged by this decision. Attachment theory is widely debunked - the research is based on children abandoned in Romanian orphanages for goodness sake not children who have time with other family members. If you want your child to have a significant and real relationship with her father then encourage as much contact early on so they bond. If you limit it to a couple of hours every few days then don’t be surprised when her father doesn’t bond with his child and drifts off and barely sees her or when your child ‘doesn’t want to stay with their father.’ Your daughter will not develop a parent relationship with someone she sees for a short sporadic time. I think it is fantastic that he is having this time now - encourage this - you want a child with a rock solid relationship with both parents.

The smoking however is an issue that you need to address. If it’s him who is smoking he needs to do everything he can to keep his baby away from it. You need to discuss him ensuring he changes clothes, only smokes outside of the house and keeps the house smoke free. If it’s the people he lives with then he needs to try to alter that asap.

If you can’t agree maintenance between you then go to the CMS and ask them to sort it for you. If he’s showing this much interest in his daughter now then hopefully he will be financially supportive.

His previous relationship with you is immaterial now - you have a child together. Keep it about her not you or him. The best outcome is that she has a real
relationship with you both from the start.

Finally some sense in the thread.

tillytown · 01/01/2023 05:52

Let him go see the solicitor, if it goes to court he'll have to do the little and often you want him to as that is what's in the best interest of the child, plus you'll have a proper schedule and child maintenance.

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