AIBU Co-Parenting Expectations 8 week old baby

[MummyL0]

So my ex (34 with 2 kids from previous) and I (24 first baby) had been on and off my whole pregnancy, he really messed me about being so hot and cold all the time. The pregnancy was unplanned but I was happy and hopeful before everything started to go south.

2 weeks before baby was due he was checking in with me to see how things were going, I asked if he wanted to be there at the birth and he said no and then backtracked and tried to get me to ask him again but at that point I had already asked my mum and sister to come with me. I guess that's irrelevant info for my question. Basically he had just been an arse the whole relationship and I'm just now seeing how horrible he was now (he's getting worse lol)

When baby was born he came to visit and all was well, we still had feelings for eachother and he said he wanted to help out with her and that he wanted to be a family. When baby was 4 days old he pressured me into letting him take her out on his own for the day, I reallllyyy did not feel comfortable with this but he wore me down and I gave in. Things have happened since and we are now not on good terms. I don't let him have the baby overnight as I feel they are just too young and there is smoking in the house (he denies this yet baby comes home smelling like an ashtray almost every time (except when he takes her to his exs house!! "to see his other kids"))

Funny thing is he refuses point blank to come into my house as he feels my family hate him, they don't exactly like him but he hasn't even gone near any of them/me to even know this. I think he's embarrassed about how he has been treating me. They also work during the day so he could easily come when they are at work but he still says no.

Currently he has the baby on a Tuesday (from 3pm) and all day Saturday. He brings LO home at 9:30/10pm and I think this is too late. I even think him taking her for hours on end is a bit much. I tried to explain that little and often would be better but he is saying I'm trying to stop him from seeing LO. I have never tried to stop him.

Until she was 6 weeks old I had to pack a bag with nappies wipes clothes and bottles because he didn't have anything in his house. I have received £90 in 8 weeks from him and can't keep up with his demands of seeing them. I appreciate that he wants to have a relationship with them but they are only a baby and need to get into a routine/know where home is.

AIBU for wanting the baby home at a reasonable time say 7:30/8pm and not allow overnights until she is older??

I hope you haven’t given the poor baby his surname under duress. Put firm boundaries in place with the father now or he’ll walk all over you for the next 18 years plus.

Thanks for all the responses. His name is on the birth certificate but she has my surname. He keeps going on that its his right to take her as and when he pleases.
I'm going to speak to a solicitor on Tuesday but at the minute my stance is that if he doesnt want to visit her here in between "his days" then tough tits. I won't be allowing him to take her, I'll see what the solicitor suggests.

He's just a bully.

He has refused mediation so let him take it to court. Court will offer fixed contact not him seeing her as and when it suits him. Little and often would be far better for your DD.

Go to CMS to get the maintenance sorted, it's completely separate to contact and a legal obligation.

Stop lending him stuff.

I would offer him fixed contact of XYZ, remind him you are happy to attend mediation but if he doesn't want either of those options then he will need to take it to court due to his bullying and harassment.

@RandomMess thank you, if it goes to court I don't want to appear as being unreasonable hence why I have been so giving throughout the whole thing. If I was to stop contact would this not be frowned upon? That's why I'm kind of apprehensive to do so

Keep everything in writing.

Explain that contact needs to be little and often whilst DD is young and work up to longer stints but it needs to be fixed, not as and when he wants it.

Make a suggestion, tell him you welcome him to suggest a SUITABLE alternative or attend mediation as you have previously suggested.

Explain that you will no longer agree to his adhoc demands and he is stop bullying and harassing you.

Basically give him the opportunity to be a reasonable adult, just refuse adhoc requests and grey rock with a response "as per my email of xyz, we need to agree a regular fixed contact schedule for DDs benefit. I have suggested ABC which you do not agree to so I await your suggestion so we can find a workable compromise that is in DDs best interests".

Block him on everything other than email.

You won't be stopping contact as there is no contact schedule and he is the one refusing to agree one.

@RandomMess has given you great advice @MummyL0 I second what she says in her two previous posts.

Your daughter needs her father to be reliable, predictable and to put her needs over his. It sounds like he needs the structure of the courts to encourage him to be reliable, predictable and to put his daughter’s needs first.

Best wishes to you and your daughter.

My husband, who is great with kids, involved Dad, nappy changing, feeding, teaching them to ride bikes kind of Dad first took the kids out on his own when they were a few weeks for an hour, when they were a few months for half a day. Before that they just need their Mum and breast and milk and cuddles, not walks in the park or cigarette smoke.

Dump the guy now and stop the contact, allowing it only after he shows some responsibility. What is a 4 day old gaining from this anyway?

www.mediateuk.co.uk/about-mediate-uk/

Try a mediator OP, cheaper than a solicitor and faster at coming to an agreement. Despite what some posters are telling you, the courts do support the child's right to contact and a relationship with both parents. Talk to someone who works in mediation (I posted one agency but there are others) and find out your next steps.

Far too young to be away from you at all is my opinion. Get some support from your midwife & health visitor.