AIBU Co-Parenting Expectations 8 week old baby

[MummyL0]

So my ex (34 with 2 kids from previous) and I (24 first baby) had been on and off my whole pregnancy, he really messed me about being so hot and cold all the time. The pregnancy was unplanned but I was happy and hopeful before everything started to go south.

2 weeks before baby was due he was checking in with me to see how things were going, I asked if he wanted to be there at the birth and he said no and then backtracked and tried to get me to ask him again but at that point I had already asked my mum and sister to come with me. I guess that's irrelevant info for my question. Basically he had just been an arse the whole relationship and I'm just now seeing how horrible he was now (he's getting worse lol)

When baby was born he came to visit and all was well, we still had feelings for eachother and he said he wanted to help out with her and that he wanted to be a family. When baby was 4 days old he pressured me into letting him take her out on his own for the day, I reallllyyy did not feel comfortable with this but he wore me down and I gave in. Things have happened since and we are now not on good terms. I don't let him have the baby overnight as I feel they are just too young and there is smoking in the house (he denies this yet baby comes home smelling like an ashtray almost every time (except when he takes her to his exs house!! "to see his other kids"))

Funny thing is he refuses point blank to come into my house as he feels my family hate him, they don't exactly like him but he hasn't even gone near any of them/me to even know this. I think he's embarrassed about how he has been treating me. They also work during the day so he could easily come when they are at work but he still says no.

Currently he has the baby on a Tuesday (from 3pm) and all day Saturday. He brings LO home at 9:30/10pm and I think this is too late. I even think him taking her for hours on end is a bit much. I tried to explain that little and often would be better but he is saying I'm trying to stop him from seeing LO. I have never tried to stop him.

Until she was 6 weeks old I had to pack a bag with nappies wipes clothes and bottles because he didn't have anything in his house. I have received £90 in 8 weeks from him and can't keep up with his demands of seeing them. I appreciate that he wants to have a relationship with them but they are only a baby and need to get into a routine/know where home is.

AIBU for wanting the baby home at a reasonable time say 7:30/8pm and not allow overnights until she is older??

You don't remove a puppy from it's mother before 8 weeks. You certainly don't take a human baby away from it's mother for hours at a time at that age.

Bloody hell. Wild horses wouldn't have separated me from either of mine four days PP 😱

People let Dads see their babies for a couple of hours a week and then complain when there is no bond as they grow up.

You are confusing access with parental rights - they are not the same thing.

Anyway that was a quick change of heart - 8 weeks was ok and now you're going with 4 years - glad to see you've seen sense Babe.

Lol it’s called a discussion. It’s where people who aren’t pig headed and ignorant are able to see other peoples points of view, you may not fit in here, but welcome!

Also glad to see you’ve got on board with babe ❤️

Yeah I do agree with that, suppose I was just wondering how that worked with a Dads rights. But ofc, baby comes first.

I wouldnt give a crap about "dad's rights" at this stage. Offer contact at your house and if he chooses not to come, you've done your bit so it doesnt matter.
Take him through CMS and absolutely stop letting him take your child away from home for so long :(

I was just thinking the same! The thought of it made me want to cry! I don't think I was comfortable for DD to be separated from me until she was around 6-8 months, and that was only for a few hours with her Dad (although I appreciate that's not necessarily the norm... I was and to an extent still am an incredibly anxious mother who couldn't bear the separation).

Yeah I do agree with that, suppose I was just wondering how that worked with a Dads rights. But ofc, baby comes first.

Youve confused rights with responsibilities. The BABY has the right to an appropriate relationship with their parents. The parents have the responsibility to ensure they act in the best possible interest of the baby.

Parents rights do NOT come into it -
that's how it works as you were wondering.

Very unreasonable for him to keep her away from you for more than an hour or two. It’s very much little and often at this stage. New babies need their mothers - the person they are bonded to. Yes of course adopted babies are fine but where it’s avoidable for the baby to be without you it should be avoided.

For the pp who says 50/50 is logical - no it’s not. It’s logical for a tiny baby to be with their mum- this is still the fourth trimester. I don’t think 50/50 works until teenage years to be honest.

Imagine the mw arrives as your smoke smelling newborn gets dropped off? Who will have ss knocking? Or the paramedics when SIDS strikes?
He needs to back the fuck off.

Also, yes parents have responsibilities not rights

It’s such a shame you have to resort to insults in an attempt to get your point across. Been here for 15 years - under various names, never had a problem fitting thanks.

Babies go to daycare and other childcare arrangements by a certain age so there is no justification for withholding a child from their father long term. The mothers anxieties and needs are no more relevant or important than the fathers. The baby has a right to attach and bond with both parents in an age appropriate way. If the baby is breastfed, that needs to also be factored in. There are general guidelines that are used by age, it isn’t based on how parents feel.

I agree with this. He is not putting your DD’s interests above his own. The smoking thing is disgusting.

Go down a formal route now and if he’s serious he can prove he’s a good father.

afccontario.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/AFCC-O-Parenting-Plan-Guide-Jan-17-2020.pdf

here is one such guideline (Canadian). There are others.

baby being around smoke is an absolute no for me.

ideally long visits and overnights wouldn’t happen so young. But baby will be fine with dad, it’s fine for a baby to have both parents as attachment figures - it needn’t just be mum. If parents were a couple and dad regularly took baby for several hours to give mum a rest, people would be supportive.

social services wouldn’t criticise dad having the baby as long as it was being cared for properly (so again, I agree the smoking is a problem )

Not in the UK they don’t! And what is described here is definitely not age appropriate.

If a breastfeeding mother-baby dyad is the norm that we are working from then dad should see the baby with mum or take her out alone for 2 hours max at 8 weeks old. Definitely no overnight visits without mum at this stage. Babies need their mums as other posters have said. Ideally the role of the father at this stage is to support and protect the mother-baby dyad during the fourth trimester not to come between them and traumatise them with long separations. Most cultures which support mothers and babies have a “baby moon” for the first 6 weeks when mother and baby are together and cared by other family members to support the establishing of breastfeeding. Even when a mother chooses not to breastfeed, bottle feeding in a way which replicates it as far as possible is recommended by UNICEF baby friendly initiative guidelines, so keep mum and baby together, responsive bottle feeding, paced bottle feeding, eye contact and holding the baby close during feeds, mum doing the majority of feeds etc.

So sorry that you and your baby are going through this OP.

4 day old baby taken out by twatty ex boyfriend all day! …and to his exs house!…sorry but that is just ridiculous. If it was me he wouldn’t be having her at all!

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I understand the need for baby to have relationship with father. He has two other kids so obviously knows a bit about raising a baby but he is expecting DD to be able to manage the same visiting schedule as the two older kids which isn't right.

I'm deffo going to nip it in the bud and not allow her to be away for such long periods of time, I feel absolutely awful for even allowing it in the beginning but here we are. I'd feel comfortable for a few hours in my house every other day and he can take her out for a few hours on a Saturday to be with her siblings/family. I think this is in her best interests.

She lives with me and goes 3-4 days without even hearing his voice and then goes and spends all day in an unfamiliar environment with people who she doesn't really know. I understand she has to get to know them- and she will at some point- but at the minute I think the most important thing is for DD to feel secure and have a routine, and for us to be able to build on our communication before.

Don't be ridiculous any midwife making a referral because a 4 day old has gone out with his father is a moron and no SSD in the country would touch a referral like that unless there were other issues. You're just scaremongering.

OP it's very early and if you are uncomfortable put the boundaries in now, 4 days old was very young for the baby to go with dad. Maybe come up with a proposed schedule for contact, at this age the most important thing with regards to relationship with dad would be regular contact, it's better he sees baby for an hour or so at a time a few times a week than overnight or for prolonged periods with gaps in between.

Go through CMS and keep the maintenance issue separate to the contact one as it muddies the water. If your ex is being difficult a middle person/ agency will definitely help.

Of course they do in the UK, what an odd statement to make. A colleague returned to work at 6 weeks, child in nursery.

Not great but to claim it doesn’t happen is a bit weird

She's the baby's mother and he took her away from her mother when she was 4 days old.
No Mother should let her baby be taken away if she's feeling uncomfortable.

Admittedly my children were breastfed, but even if they weren't there is zero chance I'd let them be away from me for hours at such a young age. Mine were 4 or 5 months before I even left them with DH while I had a medical appt. The women I know with bottle fed babies still haven't let them be out of the house without them until at least 4 months (baby may be downstairs with granny while mum naps, but that's as far as anyone I know has ever done). Someone who smokes around a baby against the wishes of the mother is not a good person to leave a baby with. If he wants to see her it needs to be around you at this age.
I'd immediately contact go for official financial support and stop any visitation away from your presence until everything is arranged and formally agreed. I appreciate dad has rights, but they DO NOT supersede yours and baby's. He's shown he can't commit and is back and forth, hot and cold, and keeps the baby in a smoky house. Is this really someone you want to have your child away from you while she's a tiny developing baby?! I can't even conceive of why you'd allow this, but I appreciate I am very biased