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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be happy about breaking up a week before Christmas

112 replies

ThePriceOfSugar · 19/12/2022 16:28

It's over! I had a whole thing planned for Christmas, I'm very good at making things feel special. However, he chose to pick a fight with me last weekend in the middle of an otherwise nice afternoon, and annihilated my character, insulting everything about me, from my style of texting to the way I cuddle and making sure he got in jibes about our intimate life. He managed to say "I don't love you or have loving feelings towards you" in the same breath as "everything wrong in this relationship is your fault".

He thought I'd cry and acquiesce and try to make peace, as usual, because I didn't want my plans ruined or to feel scared. But instead he finds himself single. And the last few days, I've woken up calm, knowing I've followed my instincts.

I'm going to eat Chinese food and get drunk on champagne with my Jewish friend on the 25th. AIBU to ask for your BEST breakup survival techniques and tips?

Ho ho ho 🎄

OP posts:
Lakeyloo · 19/12/2022 17:12

Well done OP ! Happy Christmas 😁I split up with my exH just before Christmas many years ago. He ran off with someone 10 years younger (we were only 30 ourselves) I spent Christmas Bridget Jones style.... swigging champagne directly out of the bottle and singing along to "all by myself" in my PJ's, with my cat. (I also may have put all of his clothes and possessions in the back of my car and dumped them in the middle of a shitty farm yard near to where he was shacked up with his new girlfriend at some point over Christmas)
Just as I was coming to terms with single life and starting to enjoy myself, I accidently met someone and here we are 22 years later and still together.
Keep drinking the champagne and eating Chinese, you've had a lucky escape by the sounds of it.

Blowthemandown · 19/12/2022 17:13

@ThePriceOfSugar I do think, while your lease is watertight, you want to get away from 'that' building. You can do a big moony at the camera on your way out (I'm chuckling at the thought). Happy Christmas OP!!!

Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 19/12/2022 17:18

@Lakeyloo I love your story. Sadly I don't have anything of his to dump ritualistically but I am enjoying taking possession of the gifts I got for him.

I'm going to rebuild myself this winter and pop out in the spring like a little crocus in Central Park.

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 19/12/2022 17:18

You've dodged a bullet. Merry single fucking Christmas!

Have a gin for me OP 😁

Londontown12 · 19/12/2022 17:20

Absolutely amazing Op !!
Have a fabulous Xmas day !!
get a good book visit family and friends and some chick flicks !! Xx

Shahira78 · 19/12/2022 17:21

Not sure how it will work with you living in his building? Wouldn't you want to escape from anything to do with him? I would!

TearsNReindeers · 19/12/2022 17:25

He sounds like a complete bastard! You’re well rid.

My tip is to enjoy doing exactly what YOU want to do going forward. Please yourself completely. Eat what you want, wear what you want, do what you want and celebrate not having a negative, critical, abusive twat cramping your style.

TheBestUsernamesAreGone · 19/12/2022 17:25

You have given yourself a fabulous Christmas present. Onwards and upwards. Enjoy pleasing yourself instead of him from now on. Sounds like you are well rid.
The only hint I have is to list the things you dislike about him including all the things he said to you, so you can refer to it in case you start to waver a bit in the next couple of days and are tempted to go backwards.

DisforDarkChocolate · 19/12/2022 17:26

I think you've got it covered. Enjoy the feeling of peace, and the champagne.

XmasElf10 · 19/12/2022 17:28

I too broke up with DP a few weeks back (together 3.5yrs). It wasn’t quite so clear cut in terms of fault as yours sounds. However I totally second the feeling of loving the calm now I’m not trying to cope with never really feeling I understood what he wanted, if he was committed, where we were going. I’d recommend:

  1. Loud happy music
  2. Planning a getaway without him
  3. A really good book
  4. Spending time with loved ones
Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 19/12/2022 17:29

@TheBestUsernamesAreGone good tip! I have a diary with all my reasoning in it and the full diatribe recorded. Also told all my good friends what happened and that I need their kindness & support.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 19/12/2022 17:32

Sadly I now live 9,000 miles from my family and most of my friends, but on the upside I live in the city of singles, orphans, immigrants and God's Chosen People (NYC), so I'm far from alone in having an unconventional Christmas 💙🗽

OP posts:
FinallyFluid · 19/12/2022 17:34

I got dumped coming up to Christmas one year, I was more OK about it than I thought I would be.

Over Christmas in the family home, I did a life laundry, got my qualifications met a lovely man, we have now been together 34, the loser at 60 years of age, has no home, no pension, nobody........... and how many fucks do I give.................Reader not one. Grin

I am still in touch with his brother we speak about four times a year, and he frequently tells me that he is delighted that his waste of space bother dumped me, because I now have the life I always wanted/aspired to and to quote him, that waster would have held you back. I mean look at him, just look at him. Makes me chuckle every time. 😂

You will triumph and you will flourish and half of you is worth so much more than the sum of him.

Go forth and flourish.

FinallyFluid · 19/12/2022 17:39

I didn't meet the lovely man, he came about eight months later. Grin

APotatoFlewAcrossTheRoomLastNightExcuseTheMess · 19/12/2022 17:42

I haven't read the full thread but will soon but the main thing imo is to know you'll have a moment, at some point, of weakness. That at some point you will miss having his company or similar low feeling. It may get tough but you're tougher, expect it, then when it happens, ride it out. Do not contact him, do not wallow for too long. He is no good for you and he knows it, if you were all the things he said, why did he hang around?! It's a him issue, not a you issue. Fuck him and his nasty mouth.

When you do move on and find someone else, you'll see how a real relationship is supposed to be. Keep yourself strong for yourself so you'll meet someone who holds you to the same standard you hold for yourself. I found it therapeutic to get rid of everything of his that I was ready to. Which was most but not all but when the time felt right, out the rest went.

You've got this 💪 grieve for who you wanted him to be and celebrate getting rid of who he really is. Happier times are waiting for you 🙌

Hope this makes sense, I'm in the middle of cooking. Just wanted to pipe up and say be proud of yourself for breaking the pattern 😘

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 19/12/2022 17:44

Sounds like you're well shot of him! 🎉 congratulations on your fresh start and wishing you a fabulous and peaceful holiday xx

Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 19/12/2022 17:47

@APotatoFlewAcrossTheRoomLastNightExcuseTheMess Thank you for this kind message. I know that moments of weakness do come and I am readying myself for them. He has already sent the expected missive saying he's crying and sorry he didn't make me feel as special as I am sometimes.

Sometimes?!

I'm keeping my mum's verdict in mind - "anyone who thinks there's something wrong with you can fuck off"

OP posts:
dolorsit · 19/12/2022 17:57

I like your mum 👍

bloodyplanes · 19/12/2022 18:01

Well done op! I've done this before ( not at Christmas though) waited until he threw one of his many childish tantrums and thought "fuck this im off"! Enjoy your freedom!

PearlclutchersInc · 19/12/2022 18:03

Well done on the extraction.....and not being overwhelmed.

Enjoy (hic!) 🎄🎁🌲

User787878787878 · 19/12/2022 18:05

Congrats!

Agree with the advice to do the things that he didn't like, that you haven't been doing.

I always find spring (winter!) cleaning very cathartic. If you get a chance, have a good clean before Christmas. Get your nice cushions and blankets and bedding out. Enjoy your Christmas Day (your plans sound really good - very jealous of being able to get Chinese food on the 25th!).

Get some good TV lined up. Have some friends or activities that you can see or do if you have a low moment - distraction and keeping busy is the name of the game.

Finally, if you can block him then do. He'll try and reel you back in with some sob stories - especially if you aren't reacting how he wants. Easiest way to deal with this is to drop the rope completely and don't engage at all. He'll start with the misery 'woe is me' routine. Then he'll get angry and nasty - and that's when you'll be tempted to step in and defend yourself. Don't engage - leave him unread and ignore.

MandarinCat · 19/12/2022 18:08

Well done and happy Christmas

LexMitior · 19/12/2022 18:12

Get ready for begging if you don't start weeping.

Well done. Merry Christmas

catandcoffee · 19/12/2022 18:15

Your Mum sounds great...... only be with someone who loves and cherishes you.

Enjoy your new found freedom and be very choosey who you give your love to.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 19/12/2022 18:16

If you ever then read your OP of this thread.

He sounds absolutely horrible and you are well rid.

Your Christmas plans sound fab! Enjoy :)