DP Stag

[DementedGrace]

Hello MN's

I have been with my lovely DP for 1 year. We plan to spend the rest of our lives together. We have both been married previously and know exactly what we want from life, a relationship and each other.

DP has not made it a secret to friends that he loves me, wants to marry me, says I am the one. It's all very sweet. He called me up drunk at his Christmas night out at the weekend to tell me that all his friends were asking when his stag would be. He said as a joke, they mentioned Las Vegas or Bangkok. I ultimately got a bit annoyed and said I would not be happy with Bangkok - he agreed and said he said no to both, that he isnt going that far away for a few nights.

We then got chatting about his past stag do and he said he had two and would like two again this time around - one in the UK and one abroad. I asked where he had his last stags and he said Newcastle or Manchester (for the races then a night out - I cant remember exactly) and then Riga in Latvia.

I asked if there was strippers / strip clubs and he said no, he said there was lots of drinking and there was two days they didnt leave the hotel as it was freezing and they just drank. He said it was a very tame stag. I then expressed how uncomfortable I was with Bangkok and googled that with "mumsnet" at the end to see if I was in the wrong. I then started reading, jokingly, a thread to him where a woman was unhappy her DP (who in the end didnt go!) going to Thailand for a stag. He couldnt stop laughing, kept tickling me and said it was a stupid comment made in relation to the hangover movies!

He said he wouldnt be going to either location for a stag, it was only a joke. He then assured me there would be no strippers / hookers / prostites at his stag, ever.

I am a bit miffed why he needs two stags and why one has to be abroad. Not happy with his friends suggesting Thailand either. I said there would be no wedding if it was to take place in Thailand.

AIBU?

Yeah, it's a deal breaker for me too. I would just dump him, knowing this. Not hang wring and negotiate.

I will be shot down for this but Strip Clubs are a BIG dealbreaker for me. I'd even end the relationship if he went to one. He has a few times in the past been to ones and even paid for dances, which make me uncomfrotable but I know that is his past and I shouldnt judge but I cant help it!!

I agree, OP. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It is extremely grim and honestly I would struggle to get past him having exploited young women in this way. They are often only 17 or 18. It's horrible. I don't see why you shouldn't judge. And you're allowed to have a boundary. It sounds like you don't really trust him and so instead of him laughing it off, maybe you need some serious conversations about your values. Better to find out now that it's not a match than five years down the line.

Regardless of where he goes, he can visit a strip club or shag someone. So you either believe he will do one of these things or he won't. Policing where he has his imaginary stag do won't change the outcome. A cheat will cheat when they have the opportunity. A decent person will not cheat even if they have the opportunity.

If you don't know which one he is then you aren't ready to be married.

He sounds a bit seedy, I thought stags went to Riga for one thing

He’ll go to a strip club abroad, there’ll be boy code (eg no one tells) and you won’t be any the wiser.

I can’t see why you’re that bothered by one strip night abroad if that’s what he really wants to do.

Disclaimer, I went to a burlesque place at rye weekend where there were strippers.

Do people think Riga is just one massive strip club?? 😂

The OP's totally fine with it though, or she wouldn't be marrying him?

Jorisbonson, no but I believe it has plenty of places with sex workers

So does every major city in the world! DH and I live and work in London and I don't think he's off at a knocking shop just cos it's nearby.

So does Newcastle and she didn't mind him going there (before she'd ever even knew of his existence and he was marrying another woman)

You’re not even engaged so it’s not even a problem. DH had his stag in Eastern Europe and I was fine with that because I trust him

Clearly not, or she wouldn't bring it up. I think it's more a case of thinking she should be fine with it, that other people are fine with it, that even though it upsets her she should just get over it and 'not judge'. It's hardly rare for women to not have the confidence to hold their boundaries, and no doubt he's made her lots of assurances and promises.

WTF have I just read!

100% this!

What a load of drama when you're not even engaged.

To be completely honest, you sound immature and your relationship is way too short to know if each other are the one. You might think it, but the way you're already going on, I don't think it will last.

Chill out. And live in the moment. You need to get engaged before you fight each other over where your stag and hen nights are 🙄

I think you need to stop focusing on his possible stag choices and discuss your future together.

No I wouldn't see the point of 2 stags but you need to discuss your views on any possible wedding, marriage, children before worrying how many stags do's he'll have. You both need to get your priorities straight and aligned.

Bit harsh on Riga. It's a lovely city. Yeah sure there's cheap sex clubs etc. But they're a feature of any city that wants stag tourism unfortunately.

Places like Riga also offer loads of cheap beer and easily accessible bars plus stag activities like shooting or rafting etc.

Surely if you're marrying him you can trust him not to be Tom catting around before the wedding.

This 😂

cross this bridge when/if you actually get engaged

Riga is very tame for a stag compared to other destinations. I also know loads of stags or hens who have one abroad and one in the UK.

You’re not even enagaged!!!! And you’re winding yourself up on where he may or may not hypothetically have a stag do? Wow

I went to Riga for a boozy weekend with my friends because it's got a huge alcohol culture, we went to Lithuania for similar reasons! For what it's worth I saw nowhere near as much sex work/clubs etc as places like Amsterdam and it's a beautiful city. I've suggested it as a place for my fiancé for his stag do (he's been told no private dances or anything like that too!)

Any city in Europe will have a strip club for them to go to if they are that way inclined. I don't think they are any more or less likely to visit them just because there are more (or less!) in a particular city. As long as you've explained that it's a deal breaker, and he respects your boundaries, try not to worry.

@DementedGrace You do know men can be sleazy in most towns and cities?!

I live in Newcastle and can tell you where 3 strip clubs are and that escorts would also be easy to find!

A sleazy man is a sleazy man, wherever he is!

My DH originally wanted to go to Las Vegas for his and I was more than happy for him to (we could afford it, so why not?) but in the end plans changed as my dm was diagnosed with terminal cancer so he didn't want to go abroad anywhere.

Oh wow.

anyway, for what it’s worth Bangkok is amazing. It isn’t as seedy as it’s made out to be. I met a stag do out there and to be honest, they all got pissed and had a whale of a time. If anything, the “ladies” making advances or trying to earn a living were laughed off. Obviously some people go for the seedy part but it is just as well a place to have fun. My fiancé is going Vegas for his stag and I’m jealous? I want to go!

Why does he even need a stag do since you've both been married before? It seems like excessive indulgence and of course men go abroad to see strippers, or worse.

I see the point you're getting at OP. He's showing you who he is. And you're listening, I hope.