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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask family to not post photos of child online

81 replies

OptimusPrime31 · 19/12/2022 11:30

I'm about to be a ftm and my family in law are very active on Facebook and social media. I feel that privacy is very important and don't like the idea that my baby's childhood will be all over social media. Aibu to ask family not to post pictures online as I feel that if my child wants all those pictures publicly available they can decide that themselves when they are older.
My dh understands where I'm coming from but doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do.
I know I won't be able to ask that everything is taken off but limited would be appreciated.

Yabu= let them post what they want. It's not worth the agro.
Yanbu= tell them how you feel

OP posts:
hollyjollychristmass · 19/12/2022 11:33

YANBU. Your baby, your rules.

MIL posted pictures of DS and announced his birth the day after he was born and also put a photo on announcing we were expecting. I was furious as she hadn't discussed it with us and we hadn't posted anything ourselves (we aren't really SM users).

CCIH · 19/12/2022 11:33

OptimusPrime31 · 19/12/2022 11:30

I'm about to be a ftm and my family in law are very active on Facebook and social media. I feel that privacy is very important and don't like the idea that my baby's childhood will be all over social media. Aibu to ask family not to post pictures online as I feel that if my child wants all those pictures publicly available they can decide that themselves when they are older.
My dh understands where I'm coming from but doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do.
I know I won't be able to ask that everything is taken off but limited would be appreciated.

Yabu= let them post what they want. It's not worth the agro.
Yanbu= tell them how you feel

Yanbu. My family are also very active on social media but I'm not on any of it. When I had my DD I asked them not to post any pictures of her online, my mum was a bit funny about it at first but as the rest of my family reminded her it's my baby and my decision. Congratulations!

Goodgrief82 · 19/12/2022 11:34

Absolutely reasonable but don’t approach it as a big drama.

Just say that it is important to you that your child does not appear in SM and you’d appreciate family respecting that.

end of

Goodgrief82 · 19/12/2022 11:35

What “agro” might there be?!

Luellie · 19/12/2022 11:37

YANBU - just tell them, and don't engage with any nonsense if any friend or relative disagrees.

Just tell them how it is, politely but firmly. No need for discussion or bargaining.

I've genuinely never had a single issue with any relative or friend wanting to post my baby, no one cared at all. I do know another mum who's MIL was upset when she found out she couldn't post photos, and they got into a whole drama about it. There's just no need for it - it's your child.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 19/12/2022 11:38

We’ve done this. It’s been fine. He’s one this week and no photos of him have been on social media. Be firm and clear about it; and people will deal with it. We’ve had no complaints at all, which makes a change!

You might have wider issues if they won’t accept your word on this… if they don’t accept your parental decisions, balancing parenthood with your family will be really difficult.

SendMyMILIntoSpaceOneWayTicket · 19/12/2022 11:38

YANBU
but best of luck enforcing it! My in-laws don’t care about my opinion and do what they like. I have a no social media rule for pics of my DC, but they put them on there anyway. I hope your extended family are more respectful than mine.

Goodgrief82 · 19/12/2022 11:39

SendMyMILIntoSpaceOneWayTicket · 19/12/2022 11:38

YANBU
but best of luck enforcing it! My in-laws don’t care about my opinion and do what they like. I have a no social media rule for pics of my DC, but they put them on there anyway. I hope your extended family are more respectful than mine.

wtf? You asked (and your dh??) and your in law just go ahead anyway?

takealettermsjones · 19/12/2022 11:39

YANBU and in my opinion you're making the best decision for your child. I have done this and my friends and family have all respected it. If any of them didn't, they wouldn't get any more pictures of my child 🤷🏻‍♀️

Happychapp · 19/12/2022 11:41

I've got the same rule and my family/in laws have always respected it. I think what helped is explaining why (for us, it's about privacy, once a picture is on the internet it's anyone's, and consent in terms of sharing very personal stuff when they're too little to be able to stand up for themselves), and also being really clear with what is/isn't ok. So we're not zero pictures, we're ok with back-of-the-head and similarly completely anonymous pictures, or posts that reference our kids but don't tell 'funny' stories at their expense that they'd maybe not appreciate when they're older. But I know the rules will be different for others, I'm just giving an example. Just whatever you decide, be really clear about it with them and that it's not about you, it's about the kids, and hold firm that it's not negotiable.

CaramelizedNuts · 19/12/2022 11:42

It's your right but I wouldn't go for 'limited' as that's open to interpretation. I'd be clear. No pics at all then everyone knows

SendMyMILIntoSpaceOneWayTicket · 19/12/2022 11:44

Goodgrief82 · 19/12/2022 11:39

wtf? You asked (and your dh??) and your in law just go ahead anyway?

Show quote history

Yes!
They said we were ridiculous for not wanting them online. Some relatives even changed the privacy settling on the photos on FB to be accessible to everyone with no privacy setting to provoke/make their point.
My username probably explains how I feel about them.

Goodgrief82 · 19/12/2022 11:44

SendMyMILIntoSpaceOneWayTicket · 19/12/2022 11:44

Yes!
They said we were ridiculous for not wanting them online. Some relatives even changed the privacy settling on the photos on FB to be accessible to everyone with no privacy setting to provoke/make their point.
My username probably explains how I feel about them.

Show quote history

And your DH?

and you still see them?

I don’t get it

Pearls1234 · 19/12/2022 11:46

Not unreasonable at all, it’s up to the parent. TTC our first and will be doing the same.

We have a mix in our family, eg. one cousin is happy to post photos everywhere, another (same parents) has no photos ever policy. The family respect both.

MajorCarolDanvers · 19/12/2022 11:46

My SIL had these rules for her first and we were all happy to respec her rules.

(She chilled out with baby #2)

Emmamoo89 · 19/12/2022 11:46

Yanbu. I don't mind pics of my son going on social media. I post pics now and again.

SendMyMILIntoSpaceOneWayTicket · 19/12/2022 11:49

Goodgrief82 · 19/12/2022 11:44

And your DH?

and you still see them?

I don’t get it

Show quote history

We are very LC with them as DH doesn’t feel he can completely cut them off and we try not to let them take photos of the DC where possible now, but that’s difficult when they can just whip their phones out.
Dysfunctional families are hard to understand. They just enjoy pressing buttons.

Lcb123 · 19/12/2022 11:49

YANBU. I’d never post a photo of someone else’s child without their permission. Sometimes I’ll ask the parent if I can, maybe you can suggest that as an option?

Goodgrief82 · 19/12/2022 11:50

SendMyMILIntoSpaceOneWayTicket · 19/12/2022 11:49

We are very LC with them as DH doesn’t feel he can completely cut them off and we try not to let them take photos of the DC where possible now, but that’s difficult when they can just whip their phones out.
Dysfunctional families are hard to understand. They just enjoy pressing buttons.

Show quote history

I can’t imagine your DH feeling that he can’t cut off people that have so much flagrant disrespect for him, his wife and his children

cupofdecaf · 19/12/2022 11:52

We have a no pics at all. Easier to be clear and consistent.
We say it's because of my job but really it's more the DC privacy. Who knows what technology will be available in a few years. I suspect facial recognition will be able to find anonymous photos from Facebook etc if it can't already.
There is an element of child safety though, putting where you DC goes to school, their clubs etc online is just plain dangerous.

Kolakalia · 19/12/2022 11:53

Of course YANBU.

I chose the same approach when I had DS three years ago and everyone has abided by it, if they didn't then I wouldn't be sending them photos of my child. So far he hasn't had his face on social media (to my knowledge), I know it'll be impossible to avoid as he gets older and that's fine, I feel glad I've done my bit while he's too young to understand/consent.

Jimminycricketz · 19/12/2022 11:55

YANBU

We have the same rule. We put one photo up when DS was born, and that’s it. We use a photo sharing app that’s password protected and you can share it with friends and family. You can choose who can contribute and who can download images.

It’s worked well for us and no one has put anything on SM. I think it’s called FamilyAlbum

HowVeryBizarre · 19/12/2022 11:57

YANBU. I always ask my DIL if I want to post a picture of my GD online (which I don’t do very often) even though her mum often posts photos. I think it is up to parents to choose what they want for their children. She always says yes but to me it is a respect thing (I know my son would say yes but would be less fussed so I want to make sure DIL is ok with it too).

OhLookCriedNed · 19/12/2022 12:04

I don't put photos of my kids on SM and so far family and friends have respected it. Occasionally they will turn up in the background of a picture taken at play group etc, which I don't worry about too much. But I would actively ask for a photo to be removed if they were at the forefront. Of course, it's too late by then anyway, as it's already on the internet deleted or not.
I find it bizarre that I can recognise other people children (colleagues, for example) from having just seen hundreds of pictures of them on my newsfeed, and never having met them in real life 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mommabear20 · 19/12/2022 12:12

We did this and with the one exception of my mum posting a picture (which we quickly asked her to remove and she did reluctantly) we've not had any issues and people completely understand where we're coming from in terms of privacy. We even have 'no photos' selected on DC nursery and swimming lesson applications.