Mother in law not getting in touch when my mother died

[Belins]

When my mother died it took my mother in law 2 weeks to reach out to me directly. She had spoken to my husband twice in that time but never to me directly, or even texted me or my father directly. She had a good relationship with my mother. When she eventually phoned me 2 weeks after my mother died I told her how we all felt, that it was too little, too late. My mother had been dead and cremated within 3 days. My mother in law thinks I'm being unreasonable. Am I? Please help with your thoughts

What did ur husband say?

Uummm yes, YABU.

Yabu.

Do you have a close relationship with your MIL? Perhaps she was just giving you space. I think you are being unreasonable.

Very strange especially as she had a relationship with your Mom. Just a text would have been enough to know she was thinking of you. I'd be furious and therefore YANBU.

Be careful about your emotions clouding your judgement here. It’s not great that she didn’t reach out, but contacting people after a death can be very hard - some people feel the need to give space, even if that isn’t what the grieving parties would prefer. Some people also just don’t know what to say.

Let your feelings settle.

Some people don't know what to say at the time, then days pass...then it feels too late to say anything at all.

Sorry for your loss. I don’t think YABU but as others have said - perhaps she thought she was giving you space. I would be hurt too, but an open conversation might help you to understand her reasoning.

Entirely depends on what your usual relationship with your MIL is like and whether you’d usually speak directly. I never speak to my MIL directly and was equally aghast when my mother died and MIL sent me a garishly tasteless grief card that was very her and not at all me/my mother. But several years on I recognise MIL was doing a kind thing (and it was also OK for me to go “ugh” and bin it!).

I’m sorry for your loss but I think you may be being a bit unreasonable, understandably: grief has to go somewhere and often manifests in anger, lashing out and attaching meaning to small matters.

Yanbu. That's horrible. I'd have expected her to attend the funeral. When my mil died aunts and uncles on my side came to sympathise with DH and obviously my parents were at the funeral. My sister babysat for me so she wasn't there. I'm in Ireland though so that's normal for here. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Your husband is the one who has been unreasonable.

Surely he knew how you were feeling and was advising his mum?

I think your husband got it wrong.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I think it's hard for anyone to comment if it's unreasonable or not without knowing the relationship you have with your MIL usually.

I wouldn't expect my MIL to contact me directly in that circumstance, she'd just ask DH how I was and ask for love to be passed on. Others are different though of course.

YANBU.

A message or a card “so sorry for your loss,thinking of you” would be appropriate. She showed complete lack of care and it must hurt.

I’m sorry for your loss OP 💐

He said she's now furious with me. She says she was giving family space. We thought we were family. Apparently not.

Why didn’t she go to the funeral? My dad hadn’t ever met my FIL but came to his funeral to support both of us.

Your husband is now stirring the pot.

In what world is he not being the diplomat and getting this smoothed out between you?! I despair.

I hope you forgive her OP. Sorry about your mum.

Yanbu. Not for a minute.

My mum in law did the same thing when my grandmother died.
It’s not hard to say ‘sorry for your loss’ or something similar.
Its incredibly rude to say nothing.

So sorry for the loss of your mum 🙏 yanbu 2 weeks is a stupidly long time to contact anyone in these circumstances. By marriage you are de facto family, it would have cost her nothing to text or call you. I can't understand why anyone thinks different

Try not to focus on what your MIL has or hasnt done. People go funny when someone dies ( that sounds ridiculous but its true). Let her deal with it how she wants to deal with it and dont take it personally. Sorry about your Mum ❤️

What was the pattern of contact when her husband died? I’d expect her to mirror that, at least.

Thanks all for messages. It's interesting to see the differing responses. My relationship with my MIL isn't great though I feel I've really tried to keep it on an even keel. The main reason for our difficulties I feel is her utter lack of emotional or emapthetic response. When she first saw me 3 weeks after I had a mastectomy for breast cancer, she never even asked how I was. She never mentioned my cancer to me. Ever! When I told her how I felt that time a few years ago she dismissed it and never said 'sorry for upsetting you".

Thanks. That's a very measured response. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything when she called 2 weeks later but I felt it was then or never and just swallow the hurt.

Of course YANBU and I’m sorry for your loss OP. I’d expect more from a relative. It would take her a few minutes to write a condolence card and to reach out and ask if you needed anything at all. If she also knew your mother a little bit, why on earth wouldn’t she do the above?? I’d expect more from a social media acquaintance for crying out loud!
Even if you’re not close, it’s what you do.

Your update suggests she’s just a bit of a dick and this lack of care is to be expected given she’s got form.

Sorry, that must make things difficult for you.

Hopefully she’ll be so furious she won’t want to see you for a while and you can enjoy some space from her.

Has DH inherited her emotional stuntedness or is he a better formed person?