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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law not getting in touch when my mother died

85 replies

Belins · 18/12/2022 21:20

When my mother died it took my mother in law 2 weeks to reach out to me directly. She had spoken to my husband twice in that time but never to me directly, or even texted me or my father directly. She had a good relationship with my mother. When she eventually phoned me 2 weeks after my mother died I told her how we all felt, that it was too little, too late. My mother had been dead and cremated within 3 days. My mother in law thinks I'm being unreasonable. Am I? Please help with your thoughts

OP posts:
Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 22:39

LolaMoon · 18/12/2022 22:19

I completely understand why this has upset you. But going on your further details it sounds like she’s completely lacking in empathy which is a sign of a number of cluster B disorders. Regardless of this- she will not change. True empathy is not something you can develop, you either have it or you don’t and clearly she doesn’t.

I would drop having any emotional expectations of her in the future. This isn’t about you it’s about HER inability to be empathic and expecting empathy from her is akin to expecting a kettle to do the job of a washing machine. It’s just not there, she isn’t capable of it no matter how much it hurts. Sometimes just realising this helps the anger to fade because you see that this isn’t about what’s happened to you, it’s about the fact she literally isn’t capable of it. I’m so sorry for your loss x

Ah thanks to the person who advised me on how to reply to a message properly here!!! Apologies if all my other responses are shambolic.
Thanks so much for the above. In my head I know she has no empathy but I still expect it and get hurt when it never comes at difficult times. Wise words!

OP posts:
Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 22:40

livelollove · 18/12/2022 21:29

Very strange especially as she had a relationship with your Mom. Just a text would have been enough to know she was thinking of you. I'd be furious and therefore YANBU.

Thank you.

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BMrs · 18/12/2022 22:41

My MIL did the same when my grandmother died. I found it extremely hurtful and difficult to forgive. YANBU

Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 22:42

pelargoniums · 18/12/2022 21:32

Entirely depends on what your usual relationship with your MIL is like and whether you’d usually speak directly. I never speak to my MIL directly and was equally aghast when my mother died and MIL sent me a garishly tasteless grief card that was very her and not at all me/my mother. But several years on I recognise MIL was doing a kind thing (and it was also OK for me to go “ugh” and bin it!).

I’m sorry for your loss but I think you may be being a bit unreasonable, understandably: grief has to go somewhere and often manifests in anger, lashing out and attaching meaning to small matters. Flowers

Thank you. And sorry for your loss too.

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thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 18/12/2022 22:42

Sorry I think your expectations are far too high. In-laws are mostly at best good acquaintances, and you mention your mum being buried in another country and quickly. One of my best friends lost her mother this year unexpectedly. We spoke at the end of the 1st week after the mother's death. Funeral plans still being arranged, difficulties with getting all the relatives over - Irish funeral. I wrote my card, took time to think about my message, was trying to sort out sympathy flowers which didnt work, sent the card. Called the following week - didnt want to be overly pushy. Funeral had already happened - I was shocked. So much faster than perhaps a typical English funeral. My card would have arrived afterwards. I love this friend to bits - I apologised for the lack of flowers - her comment was time to return to normal and not be like a funeral parlour! But I also think your DH has perhaps not done the best job of navigating cultures.

Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 22:43

Iusedtobedontcall · 18/12/2022 21:32

Sorry for your loss. I don’t think YABU but as others have said - perhaps she thought she was giving you space. I would be hurt too, but an open conversation might help you to understand her reasoning.

Thanks for your thoughts.

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ClaryFairchild · 18/12/2022 22:43

I would never have expected my ILS to attend the funeral for someone on my family or vice versa - they just don't have and never had that type of relationship. However there are other in-laws whose family member's funerals I would do all I could to attend, because we DO have that sort of relationship with them.

Given that your MIL did have a relationship with your DM YANBU. However, what do you want from this? Is this a "cut offable offence"? Would you prefer to distance yourself from her? Would an apology from her make any difference?

You need to give some thought as to what your expectations are and whether she has any hope of ever fulfilling them. Because she is who she is, you can't change her. But you can put in your own boundaries and set out your expectations clearly.

Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 22:47

SerenaB12 · 18/12/2022 21:46

So sorry for the loss of your mum 🙏 yanbu 2 weeks is a stupidly long time to contact anyone in these circumstances. By marriage you are de facto family, it would have cost her nothing to text or call you. I can't understand why anyone thinks different

That's exactly where my family and I are coming from but when getting faced with her backlash I needed to hear others opinions on whether I was being unreasonable. Definitely decided I've been unrealistic given her previous form. Thanks for your message.

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Mariposista · 18/12/2022 22:50

I wish people would stop this 'giving space' rubbish. It is uncaring to keep your distance automatically when someone is going through something bad. At the very least send a text or card, then if that person wants space they have the option to ignore it.

Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 22:50

Newwardrobe · 18/12/2022 22:08

People may feel awkward and not know what to say but it's not difficult to send a card (which is hardly intrusive) or a text saying 'thinking of you' .
It's possible to 'give people space' but still send sympathy let them know that you're thinking of them.

Totally agree.

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Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 22:52

BMrs · 18/12/2022 22:41

My MIL did the same when my grandmother died. I found it extremely hurtful and difficult to forgive. YANBU

Thank you and sorry you've had the same feelings.

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mikado1 · 18/12/2022 22:57

I have texted people I barely know, say from work or my hobby, when I've head of a loss fgs. It costs nothing but means a lot. It is rarely the right thing to say nothing and even if it is for a certain person, at least a good intention is clear. My SIL did this OP, when my DM died...and has never ever mentioned it since! 🤯 I won't ever forgive her. Conversely, when her DDad I was in touch in minutes and she was so grateful etc. Some people! 😡

Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 22:59

thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 18/12/2022 22:42

Sorry I think your expectations are far too high. In-laws are mostly at best good acquaintances, and you mention your mum being buried in another country and quickly. One of my best friends lost her mother this year unexpectedly. We spoke at the end of the 1st week after the mother's death. Funeral plans still being arranged, difficulties with getting all the relatives over - Irish funeral. I wrote my card, took time to think about my message, was trying to sort out sympathy flowers which didnt work, sent the card. Called the following week - didnt want to be overly pushy. Funeral had already happened - I was shocked. So much faster than perhaps a typical English funeral. My card would have arrived afterwards. I love this friend to bits - I apologised for the lack of flowers - her comment was time to return to normal and not be like a funeral parlour! But I also think your DH has perhaps not done the best job of navigating cultures.

I suppose I expected of her what I know she would have received from my parents or me had it been the other way around. In that respect my expectations weren't too high or too low...just we're about doing the right thing. But your point about in-laws being at best good acquaintances is not just what we thought of her but probably what she thought of us 😳

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 18/12/2022 23:01

I do think you can give someone space but still send a text or note to say you are thinking of them and at the end of the phone.

there could be a cultural difference as in Ireland and NI everyone definitely attends a funeral or wake or sends a message to the deceased’s relatives even if they didn’t know the deceased. Colleagues and everything.. It’s rude not to. But I think a MIL is close enough to her daughter in law and grandchildren that you rightly expected that from her regardless of culture.

You are also right to have said your piece. Don’t let it fester, be pleased you’ve said it and move on and try and keep things civil but you’ve nothing to apologise for and your husband should be mending bridges not flaming the fire

Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 23:04

ClaryFairchild · 18/12/2022 22:43

I would never have expected my ILS to attend the funeral for someone on my family or vice versa - they just don't have and never had that type of relationship. However there are other in-laws whose family member's funerals I would do all I could to attend, because we DO have that sort of relationship with them.

Given that your MIL did have a relationship with your DM YANBU. However, what do you want from this? Is this a "cut offable offence"? Would you prefer to distance yourself from her? Would an apology from her make any difference?

You need to give some thought as to what your expectations are and whether she has any hope of ever fulfilling them. Because she is who she is, you can't change her. But you can put in your own boundaries and set out your expectations clearly.

Don't know what I want from her...an apology or recognition that she has hurt our feelings would be nice but I know that will never come. Maybe I just need to let it go...I said my piece, I stood up for my mum when I thought she deserved more and that's all I can probably do. Will it be possible to maintain a relationship with her after this - I don't know, but I doubt it.

OP posts:
mikado1 · 18/12/2022 23:06

Unfortunately OP, going on my own experience above, you're not going to get satisfaction from her. All I'll say is overtime the hurt will fade. Don't put yourself out for her again.

Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 23:08

mikado1 · 18/12/2022 22:57

I have texted people I barely know, say from work or my hobby, when I've head of a loss fgs. It costs nothing but means a lot. It is rarely the right thing to say nothing and even if it is for a certain person, at least a good intention is clear. My SIL did this OP, when my DM died...and has never ever mentioned it since! 🤯 I won't ever forgive her. Conversely, when her DDad I was in touch in minutes and she was so grateful etc. Some people! 😡

I'm sorry to hear you didn't get the message or support you needed from your SIL. You a certainly a bigger person than me to be able to get in touch with her when her DD died.

OP posts:
Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 23:10

Mariposista · 18/12/2022 22:50

I wish people would stop this 'giving space' rubbish. It is uncaring to keep your distance automatically when someone is going through something bad. At the very least send a text or card, then if that person wants space they have the option to ignore it.

Totally agree and thanks. An acknowledgment costs nothing but a minute of your time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 23:13

blubberyboo · 18/12/2022 23:01

I do think you can give someone space but still send a text or note to say you are thinking of them and at the end of the phone.

there could be a cultural difference as in Ireland and NI everyone definitely attends a funeral or wake or sends a message to the deceased’s relatives even if they didn’t know the deceased. Colleagues and everything.. It’s rude not to. But I think a MIL is close enough to her daughter in law and grandchildren that you rightly expected that from her regardless of culture.

You are also right to have said your piece. Don’t let it fester, be pleased you’ve said it and move on and try and keep things civil but you’ve nothing to apologise for and your husband should be mending bridges not flaming the fire

Thank you.... it's definitely the Irish way not to ignore something like this or try and be discrete ...that only comes across as uncaring.

OP posts:
Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 18/12/2022 23:14

I've read another thread on here today that had people saying they didn't want a text when they suffered a bereavement as they thought they then had to reply to this and weren't ready to - you can't get things right sometimes. She spoke to your dh, was this not about your loss of your mum?

Original poster
Belins · 18/12/2022 23:15

mikado1 · 18/12/2022 23:06

Unfortunately OP, going on my own experience above, you're not going to get satisfaction from her. All I'll say is overtime the hurt will fade. Don't put yourself out for her again.

Thank you so much and I'm sorry you've been hurt too.

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saraclara · 18/12/2022 23:16

Belins · 18/12/2022 22:31

I'm Irish too but not living there. For us it is common for everyone to get involved in a bereavement no matter how tenuously you knew the person. Because it shows love and empathy and helps those who are grieving. I'd assumed it was like that for everyone.

That explains what would be a huge gulf between what you'd expect from her, and what she thought was okay. Irish funeral etiquette is massively different from English.

I read your OP and, introverted Englishwoman that I am, thought 'MIL was just giving her space and sending her thoughts via her son. It doesn't mean she doesn't care'. But if you were brought up with the expectation that everyone however remotely connected should get in touch personally, I can see how you felt it quite differently.

She wasn't 'disrespecting' your Mum. She's just a bit socially inept and didn't know what to do. If she sent a message via your DH, that was her caring.

I do get that it hurt, and I think she could have done a bit better. But I think picking a row over it was a bit unnecessary.

mikado1 · 18/12/2022 23:17

Belins · 18/12/2022 23:08

I'm sorry to hear you didn't get the message or support you needed from your SIL. You a certainly a bigger person than me to be able to get in touch with her when her DD died.

Show quote history

Her DDad died two years previously. I can't tell you how many times I was in touch with her that year..she wasdecastated, I sent a Christmas Mass bouquet etc. Now I get some satisfaction at seeing her discomfort when I am v short tho polite with her at get togethers. And of course she's all be Kind on her FB. I'm sure you can tell I'm well over it 😂 Fuck em, I say!

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 18/12/2022 23:19

People are pretty shitty in dealing with bereavement/illness/depression/miscarriage etc in general.
or maybe that's just (almost) all the people I know!

RunnerBum · 18/12/2022 23:20

I'm Irish too but lived in the UK a very long time.

If you'd posted this in Ireland about an Irish woman then YANBU, but in England YABU. In Ireland, family is family is family. In England, not so much. I think, in England and under English values, it's quite normal to think she doesn't want to intrude on you grieving your DM because she's sort of a proxy/replacement DM role. It's almost a salt-in-the-wound type thing.

She probably went out of her way to actually do a nice thing for you. I understand you're grieving and you're obviously hurting but it's not her fault - she did what she thought was best. I think she probably feels really awful that she's hurt you when she absolutely tried to help - and that hurt is coming out as anger (just as your hurt at your loss is coming out as anger).

This isn't a battle worth having - for either you or MIL.