Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Mother in law not getting in touch when my mother died

85 replies

Belins · 18/12/2022 21:20

When my mother died it took my mother in law 2 weeks to reach out to me directly. She had spoken to my husband twice in that time but never to me directly, or even texted me or my father directly. She had a good relationship with my mother. When she eventually phoned me 2 weeks after my mother died I told her how we all felt, that it was too little, too late. My mother had been dead and cremated within 3 days. My mother in law thinks I'm being unreasonable. Am I? Please help with your thoughts

OP posts:

justasking111 · 18/12/2022 21:55

Suspect your husband said to leave you in peace or words to that effect. So she did. She kept in touch with him and didn't intrude. Now she's mad because of your reaction and her son doing an ostrich.

We were asked through my son not to attend the funeral but look after the children. I was hurt at the time because I would have liked to pay my respects to someone I had grown fond of .

I think yo should be looking at cross purposes here. Which her son may be unwittingly caused

rhowton · 18/12/2022 21:57

If my mum died, my MIL would text the second she found out. She would also speak to my DH to see if there was anything she could do to help.

RunLolaRun102 · 18/12/2022 21:58

Your DH clearly told her to stay away & she respected his wishes. You can’t blame her for something your DH did.

Original poster

Belins · 18/12/2022 22:01

Hmm....trying to see every angle here. Thanks for your message. I kept mentioning to husband everyone who had been in touch either by phone or by text to make him think about his mother's lack of response, without me having to criticise her directly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Belins · 18/12/2022 22:02

Thanks...I take it on the chin.

OP posts:

poefaced · 18/12/2022 22:02

YANBU. MIL can fuck off next time she needs help.

Keep her at arm’s length.

SpicyFoodRocks · 18/12/2022 22:03

I have realised that many people are shit at dealing with others’ grief.

They feel so awkward that they hide behind ‘giving people space’. Not understanding that however great their own discomfort, it’s nothing compared to that of the bereaved.

She was either a coward or truly lacking in empathy. And she knew your mum well too. You were right to mention it. Even if it did not work. Don’t apologise for raising it.

And sorry for your loss.

poefaced · 18/12/2022 22:03

RunLolaRun102 · 18/12/2022 21:58

Your DH clearly told her to stay away & she respected his wishes. You can’t blame her for something your DH did.

Where does it say that DH asked her to stay away?

tillytown · 18/12/2022 22:04

Yabu, sorry for your loss

Original poster

Belins · 18/12/2022 22:05

That response made me laugh out loud....so thank you. Yes, she certainly has form. My DH isn't anywhere near as bad, but it's been an education for me to try and increase his emotional intelligence.

OP posts:

Newwardrobe · 18/12/2022 22:08

People may feel awkward and not know what to say but it's not difficult to send a card (which is hardly intrusive) or a text saying 'thinking of you' .
It's possible to 'give people space' but still send sympathy let them know that you're thinking of them.

Original poster

Belins · 18/12/2022 22:08

No he didn't ask her to stay away. Though neither would he tell what to do or what he thought she should do. She checked in with him but never checked in with me or my father or any of the grandchildren she shared with my parents, which makes me so very sad.

OP posts:

tiredkitten · 18/12/2022 22:11

Before I read your updates, I assumed she was gently giving you space, given she's your DH's mother, and you'd just lost your own one.

From your updates, I'd suggest she's either not very good at this sort of thing or doesn't care - whichever it is, she's at least consistent, so I would lower my expectations drastically.

I hope you found support elsewhere and still have some more reliable people in your life to lean on in the times ahead.

I'm very sorry for your loss, @Belins .

Original poster

Belins · 18/12/2022 22:12

Thank you so much. I do feel pretty bad for raising it but also know that I would have found it hard to be in the same room as her if I hadn't stood up for my mum and the respect I thought she deserved from my MIL. My own mother has been nothing but very kind to my MIL.

OP posts:

Krakenwakes · 18/12/2022 22:14

My MIL wouldn’t know my phone number, nor I hers, to be honest. And we like each other. She would send a card, but definitely not a text -she’d think that would be rude. Speaking directly to me would also be seen as intrusive.

Original poster

Belins · 18/12/2022 22:15

Exactly what my mum would have done if it had been the other way around.....so that goes some way to explain mine (and my siblings/father) hurt and confusion.

OP posts:

BethiaC · 18/12/2022 22:15

I’m a MIL and, had you been my DiL, I’ve have been in touch with you straight away to support you. (I don’t have the closest relationship with my DiL.) IMO it’s inhumane not to do so. YANBU.

Noodledoodledoo · 18/12/2022 22:18

My MIL never acknowledged my Grandma dying, would never have even thought about coming to the funeral, never even sent a card

My dad never contacted directly my DH when my FIL and MIL have since passed away, he/my step mum have both sent cards, and asked me to pass on their wishes, and have spoken about it when they have seen him but they don't have a pick up the phone and have a chat relationship. My Dad didn't come to their funerals either, mainly due to practical reasons - 6 hours train journey each way.

I didn't have a great relationship with her at all.

LolaMoon · 18/12/2022 22:19

I completely understand why this has upset you. But going on your further details it sounds like she’s completely lacking in empathy which is a sign of a number of cluster B disorders. Regardless of this- she will not change. True empathy is not something you can develop, you either have it or you don’t and clearly she doesn’t.

I would drop having any emotional expectations of her in the future. This isn’t about you it’s about HER inability to be empathic and expecting empathy from her is akin to expecting a kettle to do the job of a washing machine. It’s just not there, she isn’t capable of it no matter how much it hurts. Sometimes just realising this helps the anger to fade because you see that this isn’t about what’s happened to you, it’s about the fact she literally isn’t capable of it. I’m so sorry for your loss x

Original poster

Belins · 18/12/2022 22:20

The funeral was quick and in a different country. If the funeral has been in the UK I would have expected her to come but I know she wouldn't have thought she should come.

OP posts:

pelargoniums · 18/12/2022 22:23

From your update it sounds like she’s always been a dick, has form for being a dick, and continues to be a dick. So while YANBU to be upset that she’s being a dick about this, I’d let go of any future expectations for non-dickishness.

poefaced · 18/12/2022 22:26

Belins · 18/12/2022 22:20

The funeral was quick and in a different country. If the funeral has been in the UK I would have expected her to come but I know she wouldn't have thought she should come.

OP, if you click the 3 dots (…) and then click ‘Quote’, you can reply to people’s posts.

Original poster

Belins · 18/12/2022 22:31

I'm Irish too but not living there. For us it is common for everyone to get involved in a bereavement no matter how tenuously you knew the person. Because it shows love and empathy and helps those who are grieving. I'd assumed it was like that for everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Belins · 18/12/2022 22:33

Thank you.... definitely apart from the key theme, i.e. she's a d*; I should learn/should have already learned to expect nothing much from her.

OP posts:

NoelNoNoel · 18/12/2022 22:36

YABU

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread