Page 4 | Mother in law not getting in touch when my mother died

Belins · 2022-12-18T21:20:54+00:00

When my mother died it took my mother in law 2 weeks to reach out to me directly. She had spoken to my husband twice in that time but never to me directly, or even texted me or my father directly. She had a good relationship with my mother. When she eventually phoned me 2 weeks after my mother died I told her how we all felt, that it was too little, too late. My mother had been dead and cremated within 3 days. My mother in law thinks I'm being unreasonable. Am I? Please help with your thoughts

Original poster

Belins · 18/12/2022 23:21

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 18/12/2022 23:14

I've read another thread on here today that had people saying they didn't want a text when they suffered a bereavement as they thought they then had to reply to this and weren't ready to - you can't get things right sometimes. She spoke to your dh, was this not about your loss of your mum?

Yes - her contact with my husband was about my mum. I do understand maybe no direct contact in the first day or two. It was the fact that it took 2 weeks for there to be direct contact from her....which just felt too late. I had thought maybe she would have felt sad herself but that certainly wasn't mentioned.

OP posts:

Mariposista · 18/12/2022 23:22

Belins · 18/12/2022 23:10

Totally agree and thanks. An acknowledgment costs nothing but a minute of your time.

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My 91 yo gran was extremely unwell a couple of months ago with heart failure, unwell enough that I flew home from abroad to be with her. We all, including the doctor, gave her days to live. However to cut a long story short, gran is a stubborn old thing and rallied, surprising everyone, and she is still with us (not recovered exactly, but she's here). However I was shocked at how all her neighbours, who saw all the cars come and go and who are apparently a 'close knit neighbourhood' all went to ground. They didn't ask, didn't call, nothing. A lot of mums friends the same. And we had the old BS 'we didn't know what to say/we were giving you space. Load of BS. It's cowardice. All you need to say is 'I am thinking of you/ I am so sorry. We were not asking for psychology services/ practical help. Just a bit of care. And the fact this is your MIL, your FAMILY, makes this unacceptable in my eyes.

Sorry, rant over. I am so so sorry about your mum. Please take care of yourself, especially at this usually happy time when you will feel sad. I hope you have support, and not too much of this 'giving you space' crap. ughhh boils my blood (yes I know I said rant over)

sunnyliveshere · 18/12/2022 23:24

Yanbu.
A text is all it takes. I know how much silence hurts. So sorry for your loss

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 18/12/2022 23:30

I’m sorry for your loss. I’d have been gutted too. When my dad died my FIL who wasn’t that close to my dad called me the next day and made sure my husband knew he was there for all of us if he we needed anything. My SIL who had spent most Sundays at my mums house for the best part of 20 years sent me a message a few weeks later saying how sorry she was and she was thinking of me, our relationship has never recovered. I think people can be selfish and awkward and it’s disguised as politeness, when you are grieving some people’s silence feels very loud. I hope you have lots of other support OP.

greenerfingers · 18/12/2022 23:33

Don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If she wanted to give you space a simple 'thinking of you' text would have done. She's not some neighbour down the road, she's your mother in law. She should have reached out.

Namechange600 · 18/12/2022 23:33

OP you are not being unreasonable.
my brother died last year and I heard nothing from my in-laws and nothing from their daughter/SIL too. Whenever they have had bereavements over the years I would always send a text or card to say thinking of them. I think they can’t cope with any challenging emotions. I feel sorry for them actually. It’s so alien to me as I was brought up with a big family and very empathetic and giving and didn’t shy away from death.
so sorry for the loss of your Mum OP - it’s especially hard at this time of year Xx

Original poster

Belins · 18/12/2022 23:33

Mariposista · 18/12/2022 23:22

My 91 yo gran was extremely unwell a couple of months ago with heart failure, unwell enough that I flew home from abroad to be with her. We all, including the doctor, gave her days to live. However to cut a long story short, gran is a stubborn old thing and rallied, surprising everyone, and she is still with us (not recovered exactly, but she's here). However I was shocked at how all her neighbours, who saw all the cars come and go and who are apparently a 'close knit neighbourhood' all went to ground. They didn't ask, didn't call, nothing. A lot of mums friends the same. And we had the old BS 'we didn't know what to say/we were giving you space. Load of BS. It's cowardice. All you need to say is 'I am thinking of you/ I am so sorry. We were not asking for psychology services/ practical help. Just a bit of care. And the fact this is your MIL, your FAMILY, makes this unacceptable in my eyes.

Sorry, rant over. I am so so sorry about your mum. Please take care of yourself, especially at this usually happy time when you will feel sad. I hope you have support, and not too much of this 'giving you space' crap. ughhh boils my blood (yes I know I said rant over)

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Thanks for your message. Glad to hear your granny is still going strong - wonderful!

To everyone else - thanks so much for taking the time to respond. What a great community. ❤

OP posts:

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/12/2022 23:34

Unforgiveable. I'd cease making any effort in regard to her and let your "D" husband deal with her for the rest of her life.

Any person with a shred of decency, let alone a relative, would express condolences as soon as possible, not to mention offering assistance.

Sorry for your loss of your mum. It's rough.

dontknowwhatisbest · 18/12/2022 23:35

Hi OP, I had to reply because we have just had pretty much the same situation occur in my family, but the other way round (my DM not acknowledging the death of DH's DM). It was upsetting and frankly bizarre l. DH and I have been together 25 years, more than half our lifetimes. DM has spent a great deal of time with us over the years, and also had an independent relationship with MIL - they got on well, talked from time to time, we had all travelled together on holiday etc.

When MIL died unexpectly, DM barely wanted to acknowledge it even to me, and changed the conversation if it was mentioned. She didn't even send a card or a WhatsApp message to DH, and said she "couldn't face" the funeral. I was so upset with her, and even my normally sanguine DH was hurt, that she basically made it more about her feelings that his.

DM is a very difficult person though (I suspect BPD) and I think she has an actual phobia of death. I know that sounds weird - after all, no one exactly loves talking about it - but for her it is on another level.

Anyway, that doesn't really help does it, but just wanted to say that I sympathise. I'm sorry for your loss.

Stripedbag101 · 18/12/2022 23:44

Op I am so sorry about your mum.

it sounds like your MIL is not a very warm or caring person. And it doesn’t like you have a particularly close relationship.

i absolutely agree that most people in her situation would have reached out to give emotional support. but that isn’t who this lady is.

my therapist once told me to stop expecting
people to behave how I would. People are different , people are disappointing. It’s unlikely she will change, or ever see this from tori perspective.

but you are right. She is wrong.