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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being too harsh on my 5yo?

91 replies

PizzaPlease7 · 18/12/2022 12:52

DD is 5.5 years old and such a messy eater it drives me nuts. I’m not talking a few crumbs on the table when she gets up but all down her front, all over the floor and the table. If it’s something with a sauce or runny I have to put a large bib on her. I have tried to show her so many times how to eat without making a mess but she just doesn’t get it. I’m pregnant and it’s getting harder for me to be on my hands and knees after every meal/snack tidying up after her.

I do compare her to my eldest DD who is now 7 and at 5 years wasn’t making so much of a mess. My parents and DH think I’m being unreasonable and my expectations are too high, that it’s ‘just who she is’. I do lose my cool often because it gets so tiring constantly tidying up after her and then I feel guilty afterwards wondering if it’s normal for her age or not.

YABU - she’s only 5.5, cut her some slack

YANBU - by now she shouldn’t be making so much of a mess

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 18/12/2022 12:53

Yeah, cut her some slack.. sorry!

MakeWayMoana · 18/12/2022 12:54

My middle child is exactly the same and it is so frustrating! He’s 6 and he has to tidy up after himself, helps me out and gives him some motivation to not be so gross!!

Onekidnoclue · 18/12/2022 12:56

She’s 5!!! Cut her some slack. I assume she’s clumsy and not lobbing food about with gay abandon. I’m a total neat freak but this is just a cost of doing business one. Having said that I think at 5 she can wield a broom so I don’t see why she can’t help clean up.

SavingKitten · 18/12/2022 12:56

You don’t really say what you do other than ‘loose your cool’, if you mean you shout at her for it then YABU, Obviously it’s difficult being pregnant, but that really isn’t her fault.

Unsureofitall · 18/12/2022 12:57

I think YABU. But I understand your frustration, I'm pregnant too and have a 6 year old. The other day she was eating and literally got it all over the floor and spilt a drink in the space of two minutes. I had to go into the bathroom and calm down for a minute to stop myself from shouting at her. It was just one of those things and I was really tired. But at the end of the day, I realised she is still young and things like this can happen. She tries, but she can't help it. All kids are different so don't compare your 7 year old. Cut her some slack, she'll get there!

GrazingSheep · 18/12/2022 12:58

Is she just messy with eating or is she clumsy in general?

Fusciainertia · 18/12/2022 12:59

Just teach her to clean up after herself. Not in a punishment kind of way but just a consequence thing.

Newuser82 · 18/12/2022 13:01

Yes my nine year old is like this, although he does have dyspraxia so there is a reason. It does drive my husband crazy however.

PorridgewithQuark · 18/12/2022 13:02

Don't get cross, just give her the brush and dustpan and send her to change her top and put the dirty one in the wash basket herself. Natural consequence - she learns and you don't crawl under the table picking up food.

She could be dyspraxic or could just be messy, but even if she is dyspraxic learning to clean up after herself is perfectly appropriate as long as it's a consequence without anger attached, not a punishment. If 7 year old sister occasionally makes a mess obviously she should clean up after herself too - equal treatment without value judgement.

Singleandproud · 18/12/2022 13:09

Lots of young children are still messy, you only have to look at the fro t of their jumpers when they come out of the key stage 1 classrooms.

As others have mentioned dyspraxia as well as hypermobility and development of the wrist bones can all impact on coordination and self feeding.

For your own sanity it's best to assume she's not doing it on purpose and try and keep your cool. If you are pregnant and struggling then make some reasonable adjustments. Adapt what you feed her so it isn't as messy, look in to buying different cutlery which is easier to manipulate, have her tidy up after herself as a natural consequence and learning life skills and cause and effect.

Unsureofitall · 18/12/2022 13:09

Just as I wrote that, my DD split her smoothie all over the table! Grin

DuplicateUserName · 18/12/2022 13:11

Cut her some slack but obviously give plenty of praise if she manages not to make too much mess.

Obviously buy a dustpan and hand brush with a long handle so you don't have to bend down.

Original poster
PizzaPlease7 · 18/12/2022 13:15

Thank you for your replies. General consensus seems to be that IABU so will take that on board. Nice to hear others have DC with a similar habit and I’m not alone! To answer a few questions..

  • when I say I lose my cool I don’t mean shout at her, but my tone of voice changes and I’ll let out a big, exasperated sigh and verbalize that I am not impressed with the mess whilst marching her to the sink to wash the pasta sauce of her elbows!
  • I do give her the dustpan and brush to tidy up after herself but that often results in more mess (everything keeps falling out or she’ll place the dustpan on top of some cheese and squishes it all etc). Just ends up being more work for me.
  • She’s not playing with food or making a mess on purpose, it’s just the way she eats.

I’ve never known what Dyspraxia was but after reading up on it I’m starting to wonder..she takes forever getting herself dressed and I do often need to help her with this as well as her arms get muddled up or something. I’ve never considered she could have a condition.

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 18/12/2022 13:19

I would definitely be getting her to clean up. I mean my 1 year old brushes up and wipes, I don't see why a 5 year old can't?

GrazingSheep · 18/12/2022 13:21

Definitely look at dyspraxia.

Bumpsadaisie · 18/12/2022 13:24

Cut her some slack. There would be something a bit humiliating about forcing a school aged child to wear a bib.

But in a kind way do say that she must help to tidy up - not in a cross way but just - goodness DD what a bomb site here! here's the cloth lets clean it up.

New baby on the way - not an easy time for her anyway.

Plus some children do just find it more difficult. My eldest was always quite civilised but DS - he is 11 and only recently have I noticed that in general he is pretty tidy these days., but it has been a long time coming!

His writing is all over the shop and he has very large hands and long gangly arms, and I just think it has taken his brain longer to learn all these motor control skills.

It would not have been nice to punish him for something he struggled with .

Singleandproud · 18/12/2022 13:33

@PizzaPlease7 how is she at fiddly fine motor skill activities like tying laces, buttons on a shirt, threading beads on to a string?

What about gross motor skill activities? Is she clumsy falling over frequently, walking in to things, misjudging distances and spatial awareness, can she balance on one leg, on a scooter or on a bike?

As she gets older keep an eye on her sense of time and organisation these can be linked to executive functioning difficulties that could also be linked with the messy eating.

When she does these activities next, really watch her and observe what she does. All children develop at different stages ofcourse. And sometimes messyness is just that and other times it's a sign of something a little more complex.

It's not surprising you've not heard of dyspraxia, most people have only heard of ADHD, dyslexia and autism but there are lots of other conditions that can impact a child's development - some in small ways which with some minor adjustments they cope brilliantly with and others that affect them more severely.

Crazyducklady · 18/12/2022 13:35

Please don’t tut and huff at her. She’s little and learning, and clearly doesn’t have well developed fine motor skills for feeding yet.

It’s fine to expect help with clearing the table, but not from just her as a consequence of her messy eating. It won’t make her skills develop any faster but will single her out in the family as the messy one. Not very nice.

Be patient. Pop a messy mat under her chair if you’re really bothered or just sweep up/wet wipe the table and her. A muslin tied around her neck for meals that stain at 5 is fine. Other than that a fresh top or brush off it is.

FTY765 · 18/12/2022 13:36

YABU to compare her to her sister.
For the short term, can you put down something under her chair so it's a bit more contained and easier to clean up? (eg plastic tablecloth). She helps you tidy up in whatever way is appropriate

Original poster
PizzaPlease7 · 18/12/2022 13:38

She doesn’t know how to tie laces, buttons take her forever. I have just been reading up on dyspraxia symptoms and she has a few but the majority of things she’s fine with. She loves physical activity, her scooter, drawing/colouring, took us a while to get her holding a pencil correctly for writing but she is doing fine with that too. She is a bit clumsy but nothing out of the ordinary. Will definitely have a closer look when she is doing certain things, it’s never crossed my mind before.

OP posts:
TofuonToast · 18/12/2022 13:38

I’m the same and I’m old!

NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2022 13:42

I think this is one of those things where you need to listen to the people in your life rather than strangers on the internet. If your DH and your parents who presumably know your DD, have seen her eat and have seen the way you respond are all saying the same thing then I'd probably listen to them (assuming that they are generally good, reasonable people). I'm not sure anyone who doesn't know you or her or has ever seen her eat can give an informed answer.

Original poster
PizzaPlease7 · 18/12/2022 13:43

Mat/plastic sheet under the table is a good idea, will start doing that. It’s mainly figuring out how to keep the food out of her hair! That’s what consumes my time. I always make sure it’s out of her face when she eats and it somehow ends up in there lol..I feel awful now for getting frustrated with her. Will definitely change my attitude.

OP posts:
Original poster
PizzaPlease7 · 18/12/2022 13:46

Good point. They do feel I’m harsh on her when it comes to this but will also gently tell her to be more careful when they see the mess she has made.

OP posts:
UnbeatenMum · 18/12/2022 13:49

It doesn't sound like she can help it. I have an 11yo with coordination difficulties, they weren't hugely obvious at 5 apart from mostly eating with her hands but she still can't use a knife and fork properly or tie shoelaces oe catch a ball very well at 11, although she can ride a bike. She has an Autism diagnosis and we're on the waiting list for a DCD assessment.