Am I being too harsh on my 5yo?

[PizzaPlease7]

DD is 5.5 years old and such a messy eater it drives me nuts. I’m not talking a few crumbs on the table when she gets up but all down her front, all over the floor and the table. If it’s something with a sauce or runny I have to put a large bib on her. I have tried to show her so many times how to eat without making a mess but she just doesn’t get it. I’m pregnant and it’s getting harder for me to be on my hands and knees after every meal/snack tidying up after her.

I do compare her to my eldest DD who is now 7 and at 5 years wasn’t making so much of a mess. My parents and DH think I’m being unreasonable and my expectations are too high, that it’s ‘just who she is’. I do lose my cool often because it gets so tiring constantly tidying up after her and then I feel guilty afterwards wondering if it’s normal for her age or not.

YABU - she’s only 5.5, cut her some slack

YANBU - by now she shouldn’t be making so much of a mess

Yes I definitely need to be more patient otherwise I guess she’ll never learn and I’ll only have myself to blame for not teaching her!

Another vote to look up dyspraxia. Or ADHD or any of the others, thinking about myself and siblings and what we've been diagnosed with, ADHD with no motor issues also made for messy eating. Not that this in itself means she definitely has xyz condition, just something to think about. I'm not going to rub in the "don't huff at her for making a mess" because I think you've accepted that now, but it is true.

I learned to ride a bike at the normal time, ish - maybe 5 or 6? But I never really improved after that and I was still riding like a 7 year old at 15 (and older I just stopped practising once I was an adult lol). I also learned how to tie my laces fairly early and my fine motor skills were neat but never sped up and I eventually tested as having a clinically significant slower writing speed despite being legible. And I played an instrument to pre-conservatoire level, but still couldn't catch a ball or run in a straight line, or copy from a whiteboard in class by 18. Point is, it's a varied disorder and you don't have to hit all the possible criteria to be diagnosed.
Maybe she could have some different cutlery to help, if she's grown out of toddler cutlery you can get adult and junior specialised cutlery, although they are expensive (I developed an illness as an adult and I've spent a tenner on each item of cutlery, but worth it for the independence!). You could present it as something to help her because you care about her, rather than as "baby" cutlery because she can't do stuff

Give her a plastic bib with a gutter to catch the bits,

or
Get a spaniel or labrador...you'll never have to clean food off the floor again.

It is frustrating but you must help her learn skills. My 5yo constantly picks at food and drops the pickings everywhere 🙄but I make him pick the bits up and into bowl/bin!

Tidying up - doesn't have to be a brush if she struggles with it. Try asking her to pick the pieces up with her fingers and put in a bowl then tip the bowl into the bin? Then wash hands etc. after.

The hair thing - must admit I'm really confused. Is there a reason you can't put it up into a bun while she eats? Or do you mean she wipes her hands on her head?!

She should clear up after herself, or at least help you. She’ll soon learn

I do put it in a bun but she always touches her hair with mucky fingers! Or slams her spoon too hard into the bowl and something will splash in her hair etc..

Loving all the dog suggestions 😁we are a no pet household atm for various reasons unfortunately!

I very much doubt she's doing it on purpose. It sounds like she's more clumsy that your older child. My eldest is a really messy eater, even at 9 years old he makes a massive mess. I remind him to be careful and have him help tidy up but I don't shame him for it. Why does the mess trigger you so much? If you find it too hard make meal times DH's job so you don't risk getting irritable.

Mess in general triggers me, I often get described as a ‘neat freak’ and I can’t stand mess/dirt/unorganized spaces. However with young DC I have obviously had to adjust the way I am. With DD’s messy eating I genuinely didn’t know if it’s normal or not for her age. I only have my older DD to compare to who wasn’t messy which is why I get frustrated at younger DD. However this thread has made me realise this isn’t her fault and I need to change, not expect her to!

My eldest has a list of weekly chores. One is to hoover the lounge. After one go, I realised I needed to show her how to hoover as she just did the walkways.

It never occurred to her to pull the dining chairs out and hoover under the table. But equally, it never occurred to me that I needed to show her what I wanted her to do. It was then I realised that I needed to actually teach her these skills- it was the same for changing the bedsheets. I know mine are a little older than yours but the idea is the same. And believe me, it will take a fair few goes to get it even near right.😉Lots of praise, plenty of patience. Good luck!

@PizzaPlease7 Marks and Spencer do an easy getting dressed range which is brilliant. DD never had any difficulties getting changed but they never had long to do it for PE she also had quick changes during dance shows and these were perfect. The easy dressing shirts have velcro under the top 4/5 buttons and then normal ones on the lower part of the shirt where they can see easily and the ones on the wrist cuff are elasticated.

Silicon dress shoe laces are great from Amazon and turn any lace up shoe into slip ons, we originally used them for tap shoes but I've put them in mine and DDs shoes as they save the heels if you don't take your shoes off/put them on properly.

Get her to clean up the mess herself. Could he have some plastic neat her chair that she can pick up and u can wipe down if the former not an option?

Maybe she has gross motor difficulties? Is this a problem at school?
You know your child.
If mine makes a mess it’s because he’s being careless or pissing about so yeah I’d tell him off.
But if they genuinely can’t help it then it’s no use getting frustrated about it.

Middle child syndrome is a real thing. You’re comparing her unfavourably with your eldest and getting frustrated with her because you’re pregnant with a new baby who will be the youngest with all that entails. She’s 5 and it doesn’t sound like she’s doing it deliberately, give her a break.

It sounds like this is a particular trigger point for you OP. I get it and I think alot of us have these areas where we get stressed out more quickly than we should. (I have certain sound sensitivities possibly due to ADHD and noisy eating stresses me out). Once you're aware of it though it's best not to let it become an issue for your DC, you definitely don't want to let meal times become a stressful event. Sometimes just being prepared in advance that there will be mess but it will be cleaned up is enough. Alternatively don't sit where you're looking directly at her while she's eating or just put a large mat down so it's easier to tidy up afterwards. Or make it DH's job to deal with. Honestly you sound like a very self reflective person OP which is great!

Bib overall apron or old larger t shirts to eat then tgrow in washing machine
Thick handled cutlery
Ask school to arraNge an o t assessment

ABC movement battery is useful assessment

www.otforkids.co.uk/services/assessments/movement-abc.php

All kids are different. My two year old is incredibly tidy but no doubt the new one will be a rogue when the time for weaning comes. Does she have any SEN or just messy?

Have you taught her how to not be messy or just yell at her? Teach her how to lean over her plate? Wipe up her small spills and her hands and face when needed. You can't just be mad she doesn't automatically know table manners

I think the aspiration is fine but some kids just take longer with the co-ordination and concentration required.

So just pick one little thing to improve now and accept it will be slow.

My 6 year old it awfully messy, she’s actually worse than my 3 year old. You’ve got to remember she’s only little. It’s not intentional or out of disrespect she will grow out of it. A lot can be due to coordination, hand/eye/eye etc, or her lack of concentration.

I must confess I haven’t read the whole thread and I know people have suggested dyspraxia, but are you 100% sure she’s not left handed?

DS(14) is still the world’s messiest eater and I think it’s because he learnt to use a knife and fork the righty way but is actually a lefty. I despaired of his inability to do anything much using fine motor skills until he was 5 and started writing properly in school and we realised he’d just been copying our right-handedness for ages ☹️

@PizzaPlease7 , just as @PorridgewithQuark said : show her how to clean up her mess herself! She's old enough to put on a clean top herself, and to (more or less) use a dustpan and brush. Keep those close to the table when you serve her meals so you can stay seated! I think most 5 year-olds are just used to mom (or grandma in my case) cleaning up after them. Experiencing this really is a chore might help her learning how to eat without making such a mess 😊

Thank you for the replies/advice and the very helpful link that someone posted, much appreciated. To answer a couple of questions:

• I am pretty sure she is right handed, has always been inclined to use her right hand for most things and her handwriting is actually pretty decent and improved considerably over the last couple of months

• This isn’t a problem at school, never been flagged as one. However I will speak to her teacher after the break and ask if she has noticed anything that may be of concern with regards to her development

• She doesn’t have any SEN that I’m aware of. She has always been quite immature and ‘babyish’ for her age, had a few speech issues which seemed to correct by itself as we were waiting for a referral with a speech therapist but nothing that screams SEN

My 10 year old is the same. Some kids just are. I have to hoover after she’s eaten and she has to have clean clothes daily due to spills down the tops and then finger marks smeared on her bottoms. If it’s not food then it’s paint/pens etc. she’s left handed which I sometimes think makes it harder as she eats right handed or a mix of both. And smudges when she draws/writes and paints. It’s never deliberate. I don’t lose it with her. I just have to remind her to sit more ‘over’ the table when eating and to try smaller amounts on her spoon. And I’m often telling her not to wipe her hands down her clothes.