Am I being too harsh on my 5yo?

[PizzaPlease7]

DD is 5.5 years old and such a messy eater it drives me nuts. I’m not talking a few crumbs on the table when she gets up but all down her front, all over the floor and the table. If it’s something with a sauce or runny I have to put a large bib on her. I have tried to show her so many times how to eat without making a mess but she just doesn’t get it. I’m pregnant and it’s getting harder for me to be on my hands and knees after every meal/snack tidying up after her.

I do compare her to my eldest DD who is now 7 and at 5 years wasn’t making so much of a mess. My parents and DH think I’m being unreasonable and my expectations are too high, that it’s ‘just who she is’. I do lose my cool often because it gets so tiring constantly tidying up after her and then I feel guilty afterwards wondering if it’s normal for her age or not.

YABU - she’s only 5.5, cut her some slack

YANBU - by now she shouldn’t be making so much of a mess

Do you have a cordless hoover? It makes cleaning up much easier. Probably easier that laying out plastic sheets if you are pregnant.
I find ours a god send as mine cannot eat crisps without spreading them half way round the house

No I don’t, but I should probably invest in one as I can imagine it would make a big difference! Crisps is what pushed me to start this thread, she just had a pack and they ended up crushed, all over her top to bottom and all over the table and floor! She doesn’t do it on purpose but I have no idea how she manages to make such a mess.

This is where dogs can be handy 😂

Leave her be. She may become more fussy if meals aren’t enjoyable.

Cordless hoover is a godsend with stuff like that.

also if you can try and stop showing irritation. I was an incredibly clumsy child. My grandparents (who I lived with) found it incredibly frustrating. That put me on edge, which in turn made me even more clumsy because I was nervous.

My youngest needed occupational therapy for fine motor skills even though his gross motor skills are (and always were) above average (rode a two wheel pedal bike without stabilisers at 3.5, which isn't exceptional but is an indication of reasonably well developed gross motor skills). His fine motor skills were well behind which impacted cutlery use and handwriting among other things.

He didn't learn to tie shoe laces until he was nearly 7 - lots of children don't these days because laces are no longer the default of course, but we were working on it for a long time because of football boots and it took well over a year longer to click than for dc2 and over 2 years longer than for dc1, who only needed explicitly showing a couple of times at nearly 5 having started to try to do them herself (all 3 kids started football at 4, hence laces).

DC3 also really struggled to draw a straight line with a ruler for a long time despite being shown regularly how to.

So fine motor skills can be significantly behind gross motor skills - there's not necessarily a correlation.

Yeah. With another baby on the way you won't regret it!
When we redid the kitchen I built a cupboard next to the table with a plug socket in it so it's always within arm's reach!
Your DD sounds very like my son (9). He lacks coordination. Has cracked riding bike etc (eventually and painfully)but is so awkward doing things. School are looking at him for various processing disorders but there is nothing they can pinpoint yet. I remember pre school saying patronising things like 'mum could maybe practice using a spoon' as though that had never occurred to me. He could use a spoon but would look up before getting it to his mouth a drop the contents down his front!

Used a bib here till 5 or 6, it wasn't demeaning, just the norm and meant no stress. Newspaper to ball up when finished if needed? You've admitted it's your issue rather than hers so remind yourself of that and definitely don't huff etc, that definitely effects a small child overtime. Remind yourself that she's doing her best, that always helped me as a reality check and also ask yourself whose need is being met by expecting super tidiness etc? She'll get there. It's much harder when your pregnant for sure but the best reason for dropping your standards for sure!

My eldest is a messy eater turns out he's left handed and ambidextrous... so could be a factor?
Youngest ate neatly from a young age

We also had a dog when youngest was starting weaning! Maybe he's neater at eating because of the dog!? 🤣

My son walked at 10 months, could ride a pedal bike at 4 with no stabilisers. He couldn't however ride a scooter until he was 8. He could fasten buttons in reception but he couldn't write or hold a pencil properly, he also used to fall over from standing still and still now crashes into things on a regular basis. He got 2/10 for balance at his ot assessment. He still struggles with a knife and fork. I wouldn't presume dyspraxia on the basis of messy eating but also wouldn't discount it either without looking into it a bit further. Disorganisation and messiness is a sign of dyspraxia, something my son struggles with hugely. It also has emotional compliments too. If she is just messy then fab but it's good to have all the information just in case.

You got lucky with your first, I'm afraid. Children are generally messy up until 7/8 and it's annoying!

Encourage her to be more careful though, by all means. Just enjoy that your oldest isn't the same!

PS my 10 yo still pokes his finger into his food for a taste, if he can! 😂

Is your daughter actually concentrating on eating? By that can she see the TV which could be distracting her?
Kids can be messy - whatever they happen to be doing!

I wonder if you're stuck in a bit of a vicious circle as she sounds like a fairly normal five year old to me.

You get exasperated with her (and if you're sighing at her, she'll know that) and that sets her on edge, so she's nervous and spills more than she would normally - you then get even more annoyed and the cycle goes on and on.

I would just follow the natural consequence route. If she spills down her clothes, she has to take them off and put them in the wash basket. If she gets it all over face and in her hair, she needs to go and wash it out (with supervision, obviously). If she spills on the floor, she sweeps it up etc.

I appreciate it makes more work for you in the short-term, but she's old enough to learn that you need to clear up after yourself if you make a mess.

DS (12) is dyspraxic and the area afterwards still looks like a toddler's been to visit. I still have to remind him to sit before eating, and to use cutlery. He still struggles with knives. His hands are weak and cramp easily. He favours light plastic childrens cutlery.

DS (9) is dyslexic and has hypermobility in his hands. Things are a bit neater, but still messier than average.

I took far too many years to buy an easily wipeable tablecloth!

I offer practical help but pushing the issue doesn't help and damages their self esteem which can already be dented anyway. They've eaten most meals at the table to the extent that we take tables camping for them!

This OP.
Don't treat it as a punishment, just a (set in stone) natural consequence.

I know it's really annoying. My 7 year old the other night kicked over 2 cups of orange juice that were on the coffee table, went all over sofa, floor, rug then I stupidly left her with a tub of pringles she was snacking on whilst sat on the sofa. Well 5 minutes later it was as if she'd crushed up 2 handfuls and chucked them round the room. It was ridiculous. Think it's more annoying because at 2 you expect the mess like that, by the the time they are in primary school, not so much. All you can do is train them to clean up after themselves, only thing that lessons the irritation lol.

Get her a little hand held vaccum cleaner!

I disagree. I’ve never known children over the age of approx 4 make a really bad mess when eating. 8 year olds making a real mess is pretty unusual.

YABU. Regardless of the issue, you should never lose your cool with a child. You’re not teaching her to be tidier by shouting at her.

I wouldn't get annoyed with her but I would make her clean up after herself (or at least help me do it) until the area was completely clean. Even if it took ages. The reality of life is that if we're messily-inclined, we have to either take more care or spend ages cleaning up after ourselves (or annoy other people by leaving mess for them!) - I don't think she's too young to start learning this.

I occasionally allow screen time whilst eating but it doesn’t make a difference, whether she’s watching something or not the messiness is the same.

I think the natural consequence route will have the most effective outcome in the long run, even if it is time consuming and a pain in the arse! But definitely realised it’s totally unreasonable of me to get frustrated by something she’s obviously not able to control yet.

You said she made more mess when she tidied up. But tidying up is a skill to be learnt like everything else. She will make mistakes while learning that skill. That's natural.

Never lose your cool with a child? You either don’t have children or are Mary Poppins. Everyone loses their cool with their DC at some point in life 🙄

I also made it clear I don’t shout at her.

However, fully accept that I shouldn’t even be getting frustrated at her as it’s something she can’t help at the moment and will be changing my attitude and behaviour towards the mess she makes.