Is it rude to show up very early?

[BigMama32]

I was due to have an In law come today, I had planned babies naps etc to fit in with this.
she came 1.5hrs early with no text or phone call to check if it was ok to. I think it was impolite to do this with no notice, what does everyone else think?

If I'd just done an eight-hour journey to see someone I'd be really hacked off if I'd been fortunate enough to make good time and they expected me to wait in a coffee shop. And I'm not someone who generally turns up early.

I agree that, for me, it's about the relationship.

Most my close family are welcome to rock up anytime they like. If they are early, they are early. If they are late, they are late. Unless timing was crucial for something specific, then it's fine.

If someone a bit more distant did it, like a friend, I'd be a bit grumpy.

Agree. I can't even do housework with my HUSBAND in the house. Oy anyone actually. I have to be alone. No way could I have much-too-early visitors hanging around!

Depends on who, and crucially distance travelled - if making a huge effort to come, driving 300 miles and traffic was unusually quiet that's quite different from someone who lives 10 miles away turning up 90 mins early. My parents typically are 15-30 mins early, always

Interesting it's always parents or parents in kaw here.

Would the sane apply to adult children visiting?

I can't imagine my parents wouldn't be thrilled if I arrived an hour early (assuming they are in) though I can't imagine a time when we aren't texting during the journey giving an eta (Ie trains running late or traffic was very good, just passed x landmark so will be there a bit early)

Then you’d be unreasonable. If you turn up an hour early (for whatever reason) they might not even be home!

My ex-MIL once turned up approx 5 HOURS early.

She decided that as it was a nice day, she'd make the most of it, and it had the advantage of not having to get a packed commuter train in the rush hour.

I didn't work on Fridays, and we'd specifically said "between 5 & 6" so that ex-H would be home from work and I wouldn't have to deal with the judgmental old bat on my own. Her long-suffering DP was mortified, she'd told him we'd said "any time" would be fine.

The house was a tip, I was doing the ironing, hadn't showered, made up the spare bed or done any shopping. I was fucking livid.

When we got divorced, among the "unreasonable behaviour" grounds in my ex's divorce petition was the fact that I'd "ignored his mother" and got on with housework instead of entertaining her. (The grounds also included the fact that I didn't like her, which was true, but not in any way unreasonable!)

That reads as a manipulative “Im early so Im getting you to invite me in so I don’t feel guilty”

Very rude. I value every second of alone time I can get, so certainly wouldn't appreciate someone taking that much of it away from me!

Yes! Absolutely rude! My in-laws also do this, as well as then installing themselves on the sofa, putting the tv on and requesting drinks, then letting me make dinner for them with no offer of help whatsoever. It’s like running a restaurant. I have toyed with the idea of presenting a bill at the end.

Yes, she should definitely leave her mother in law in the door step in the cold.
Definitely the appropriate response

Wouldn't mind what time my own adult dc dropped in but then they would just fit in with what we were doing and help themselves to what they needed

Mil is irritating as she won't take a hint, sit quietly whilst we get on and talks nonsense

yes that is what i figured, your kids would just grab a coffee and stick tv on if they arrived early.

so an age thing? or the feelings towards the person who does it?

i mean i am THE KID in this scenario, but i am nearly 50 and my parents 75. They would always call to say "we are 20 mins away, stick kettle on" and i'd be "ready" for them arriving from that morning if i know they are leaving in the morning. if i was to be at work and then heading home, they would know that and could let themselves in anyway.

At what point do you stop and say but they are family...or don't you ..your own child expected back from uni, your own child who's moved out, your mum

Me too I'd be what an arse you make the effort to travel to me next time I'm going off to do something nice and if I'm now late or fed tough because they are bloody rude...in these circumstances

Same here, my friend or her DH happily hoover/mop floor/clean toilets if I'm there at a time when they would usually be doing so (which I often am as I stay for a whole weekend not just a couple of hours). If someone needs to nip to the shops I'll probably go with them, but if not there's no problem with me staying at the house and putting the kettle on for them when they get back. I help out with things like cooking, loading and unloading the dishwasher, laying the table. I'm pretty much an extra household member while I'm there, not a special visitor who needs to be hosted. The same happens at mine.

It's different when I visit relatives, as it is more of a host/visitor relationship where they will have done some preparation for my visit and the few hours of my visit are set aside for purely spending time with me. In those cases I wouldn't arrvied early.

It's not at all the same as being late, which is usually unintended and outside your control, for example being unavoidably delayed by heavy traffic or having missed the train.

Turning up early is entirely your choice and within your control, unless you make a mistake as to the agreed time of arrival. Otherwise, you could go somewhere else until near the time your guests are expecting you. Arrive early by choice and you are likely to either embarrass or inconvenience them.

I didn’t refuse to answer the door, I let her in and hosted her embarrassed I was still in my dressing gown and telling her several times to not go and wake the baby up!

Unless you know someone really well and so are on a "take us as you find us basis" and don't need any hosting, it's extremely rude.

In fact I would rather someone was late than early.

So would I especially MIL who means well but is so needy

I'd be pissed.

in an hour and a half I can shower and dress, do a load of laundry, clean the house and get a meal prepped.

I'd honestly be miffed and probably pretend I wasn't in.

@BigMama32 I know you didn't do that, but a few people on the thread suggested that you should have.

I'm more of a silent fumer, so I'd have let them in and been internally annoyed. I suppose the assertive thing to do would be to answer, tell them you're not ready and ask them to come back later. I find the idea of letting people you know stand outside your door when they know you are in just weird.

Slightly off topic but I’d love a pace of life where a whole day was taken up by one thing, as mentioned upthread;

’What have you done today?’
’Been to the dentist.’
’Marvellous.’