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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude to show up very early?

123 replies

BigMama32 · 17/12/2022 15:51

I was due to have an In law come today, I had planned babies naps etc to fit in with this.
she came 1.5hrs early with no text or phone call to check if it was ok to. I think it was impolite to do this with no notice, what does everyone else think?

OP posts:
2catsandhappy · 17/12/2022 17:04

So rude! I wouldn't be fit to be seen that early. How did the visit work out?

HootOwlStrikesAgain · 17/12/2022 17:05

Massively rude and stressful for other people. If I happen to arrive somewhere really early (due to my own worries about being late - thanks ADHD!) then I'd hide in my car nearby or go to a café until it's the right time to arrive. More understandable if people are coming from several hours away because traffic can be so unpredictable but in that case you'd expect a heads up: a text or call to warn you they are running early, at least 30 mins before they arrive.

PetrasPony · 17/12/2022 17:10

That early is definitely rude, I don’t mind if people are 20 mins early but over an hour is ridiculous

VladmirsPoutine · 17/12/2022 17:13

This would really irk me. More so than lateness tbh because I just wouldn't be ready and completely caught off guard. Thing is it's so unreasonable it's not something you even think to say beforehand i.e. "Please don't show up over an early earlier" because no reasonable person would do that.

I will say however it depends. If my sister did this I would think nothing of it, if my in-law I'd be very annoyed!

Wheredoallthepensgo · 17/12/2022 17:30

It's rude af.

I'd probably be either in the shower or hoovering so couldn't answer/hear the doorbell anyway! I'd have no qualms not answering until I was ready - hopefully sitting in their car for an hour might give them pause for thought!

JubileeTrifle · 17/12/2022 17:31

We had a friend and his wife come to visit us whilst they were on holiday, stopping at ours in the middle.
They said they were booking out of cottage, going for lunch, be at ours about 3pm.
Instead they turned up at 12.30pm. We’d gone to M&S for treats and decided to have lunch. They were very moody about it AND they expected lunch. ‘We thought you might realise’ why would be? Funny how their phones worked when they got to an empty house.

user1471554720 · 17/12/2022 17:32

The right thing to do would be to laugh and say 'are you trying to catch me out'. I know they may not mean anything bad but you must feel awful if you are still rushing around getting things done. If they had any consideration they would not do this

everydaysabeginning · 17/12/2022 17:33

Yes. I'd prefer people to be late than turn up early when I'm still getting everything ready.

Phineyj · 17/12/2022 17:33

Well it's certainly a pain. PIL turned up about that early once. I was just serving lunch and I didn't have anything suitable to give them. MIL has a gigantic freezer full of stuff. I don't! I do like PIL. But I don't like no notice catering!

RishisProudMum · 17/12/2022 17:34

HelloTreacle9 · 17/12/2022 16:29

My in-laws do this. Invite them for lunch (‘come here any time after 12, we’ll be eating at 1’) and they arrive at 11. I am frequently not dressed/ready/still dashing round with the hoover or food prep. It drives me mad. Last time I gave DH strict instructions to say ‘please do not arrive before 12’ and they pulled in the drive at 11.30. I find it so rude and thoughtless. The moment they arrive they want to talk at me, want fresh coffee etc too and it looks like I’m stressed and disorganised, when if they’d arrived when I was expecting them everything would be done and I’d be able to focus on them.

Have you or your DH addressed this with them? You can do it nicely, but it sounds like it needs to be done.

33goingon64 · 17/12/2022 17:35

My ILs are always early for everything. One evening they were due to arrive at 6.40 to take DS swimming for 7. They arrived at 6, most put out that we weren't in. They couldn't understand it, kept saying they thought they'd got the wrong day etc. We got back at 6.20 which would have given us 20 mins to turn around and be ready for them. They also 'forgot' their key so had to sit in the car.

LlynTegid · 17/12/2022 17:36

Unreasonable if you do not let someone know. I'd be understanding if for example the original train was cancelled and an earlier one caught, for example, but still expect a warning.

Even though I detest lateness. I host (virtually) a work meeting three times a week and it starts on time.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 17/12/2022 17:36

It depends a bit on your relationship. Some people are fine with family showing up whenever as they've just slot in and know not to wake the baby etc. Assuming you don't have this kind of relationship then yes it's annoying she should have checked it was OK or just entertained herself until the agreed time.

Original poster
BigMama32 · 17/12/2022 17:40

houseofboy · 17/12/2022 16:20

Kind of depends who they are and what the relationship is, and why they were coming. If it's a formal invite of your partners cousin would be different to you mil popping over for a coffee.

It’s an awkward relationship, nice lady on the whole but we are not the level of close where I would feel comfortable leaving her be while I got ready. She needs to “hosted”, visit was fine. Pick my battles I think, just interested to see everyone else’s thought

thanks for all the responses

OP posts:
wheelywheelynice · 17/12/2022 17:41

Very rude, what an inconsiderate arse

SE13Mummy · 17/12/2022 17:47

I think it's rude to assume a very early arrival will be convenient, especially without noticing. My PiL used to do this and even had the person in the downstairs flat let them in to their flat to wait for us - we were at church, just as we said we would be. They did they more than once but the next time they came over we primed the person downstairs who was going to be away that weekend anyway. PiL had been told not to arrive until Xpm as we would be out, they arrived early anyway and were surprised to have to sit in the car for an hour because our downstairs neighbour wasn't in.

They haven't done it since! They're lovely people but it seems they just had a blindspot over this issue... until they had to wait outside!

RichardMarxisinnocent · 17/12/2022 18:10

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2022 16:22

No, it does not depend on who they are. If you have made agreed upon plans for them to arrive at 2pm, it is extremely rude of them to show up excessively early. You made plans for that time for a reason.

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It certainly does depend on the relationship for me. I don't see my relatives very often so when I do visit we arrange a time, or time window to allow for public transport delays, and I wouldn't try to turn up early as they may not be ready for me or might not even be home. When I visit my best friend, I do generally tell her a rough time I expect to arrive, but she'd be absolutely fine if I happened to be able to arrive early, and if she wasn't home she'd expect me to let myself in and make myself at home. She doesn't do any special preparation for me visting, and neither do I when she visits me, so there's no risk of arriving before the other is ready.

Lovageandrose · 17/12/2022 18:17

She was rude and doesn't respect you or your personal space.

AWaferThinMint · 17/12/2022 18:18

Yep. Just as rude as being really late. If I end up being early somewhere I park around a corner h til it's a polite time to arrive!

louderthan · 18/12/2022 00:33

Incredibly rude. Just rude as turning up late (worse in my book)

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 00:38

jannier · 17/12/2022 16:27

Depends on the relationship and if you only do formal invites. My in-laws are like family so I'd be come on in put the kettle on I'm just finishing up....but if I didn't like them I'd be different....do you stand on ceremony at their house?

It's not about standing on ceremony, it's basic respect for another person's time.

jannier · 18/12/2022 00:52

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 00:38

It's not about standing on ceremony, it's basic respect for another person's time.

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No it depends on your family set up if you're used to families who are very close and just pop in like going home or if you can only go by invitation. An in-law is the parent of family to your partner in some families you do just pop in you don't wait for an invite you don't feel distant or that things must be tidied and ship shape because you love them and take them as they are as they do. In other families it's a show we have to be tidy and perfect no way can you not be a host. It's a difference in family dynamics

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 00:54

jannier · 18/12/2022 00:52

No it depends on your family set up if you're used to families who are very close and just pop in like going home or if you can only go by invitation. An in-law is the parent of family to your partner in some families you do just pop in you don't wait for an invite you don't feel distant or that things must be tidied and ship shape because you love them and take them as they are as they do. In other families it's a show we have to be tidy and perfect no way can you not be a host. It's a difference in family dynamics

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That's YOUR family set up though.

Why are you projecting it onto OP, when it clearly doesn't apply?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 18/12/2022 01:11

jannier · 18/12/2022 00:52

No it depends on your family set up if you're used to families who are very close and just pop in like going home or if you can only go by invitation. An in-law is the parent of family to your partner in some families you do just pop in you don't wait for an invite you don't feel distant or that things must be tidied and ship shape because you love them and take them as they are as they do. In other families it's a show we have to be tidy and perfect no way can you not be a host. It's a difference in family dynamics

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The difference is that the sort of set up you have don't arrange a set time for visits, if a time is arranged it's rude not to stick to it without messaging

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 01:14

It’s just as rude as being too late IMO.

My friend used to come to mine when we were going out for lunch 30 minutes-1 hour early. Sometimes I’d still be in my PJs! And then I felt pressured to get ready quickly. I eventually told her she can wait in the car until 12pm as I wouldn’t be ready until then. She never did it again!