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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it rude to show up very early?

123 replies

BigMama32 · 17/12/2022 15:51

I was due to have an In law come today, I had planned babies naps etc to fit in with this.
she came 1.5hrs early with no text or phone call to check if it was ok to. I think it was impolite to do this with no notice, what does everyone else think?

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 18/12/2022 09:43

This is really rude. I would be ignoring the door at that point because I would not be expecting anyone.

TheHauntedPencilCase · 18/12/2022 09:48

It wouldn't bother me for family I would just carry on as usual but rude for anyone else.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 18/12/2022 09:55

jannier
No it depends on your family set up if you're used to families who are very close and just pop in like going home or if you can only go by invitation. An in-law is the parent of family to your partner in some families you do just pop in you don't wait for an invite you don't feel distant or that things must be tidied and ship shape because you love them and take them as they are as they do. In other families it's a show we have to be tidy and perfect no way can you not be a host. It's a difference in family dynamics

I completely agree with this. It really DOES depend on your relationship. My MIL is coming over today for lunch. She could well decide to come over now if she's at a loose end. I'm not even out of bed yet let alone showered and dressed. So if she turned up now she would probably make me a cup of coffee and crack on with lunch... all great in my book.

My own parents however are of the 'need to be hosted variety' . All very formal and no ability to sort themselves. Their one saving grace is that they are OBSESSED by time and are never early or late. Always exactly on time (I think they sit round the corner until they are due) .. but once here, they expect all the focus on their visit .

I prefer MIL visits any day of the week.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 18/12/2022 10:01

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 18/12/2022 04:35

Worse than lateness for me . Also the thought of people having their own key & just letting themselves in … just no !

Again.. depends on your relationship. No for you - but absolutely a yes for me. I have a hidden key that PIL and a couple of close friends and both siblings who know they can use it should they arrive when we are out.

Have several friends and family who do the same.

Delatron · 18/12/2022 10:02

It’s always the In-Laws isn’t it?

So rude. Mine used to do this every Christmas - they’d arrive an hour early when we were still in pjs chilling. Drove me mad. We give them a false time now.

Essexhousehusbands · 18/12/2022 10:04

Floristdreamer · 18/12/2022 07:44

My MIL does this all the time! It's so bloody annoying, she doesn't seem to understand its rude especially as I have 2 young children. I think she does it to cause a stir or stress me out as she will always point out I'm not ready/ are you wearing that when its clear i will not be wearing my pjs/casual attire. She is hosting Christmas this year and I plan to go super early with two kids 😬

Love this ! Deffo do that and report back

MrsFezziwig · 18/12/2022 10:09

If you expect a journey to take 8 hours and instead you make really good time and get there in 7, I don’t think the traveler should have to sit somewhere waiting to knock.

I do.

toffeeapple77 · 18/12/2022 10:09

Annoying but I can't believe anyone really just ignores the doorbell as many have advised?!

butterfliedtwo · 18/12/2022 10:15

MrsFezziwig · 18/12/2022 10:09

If you expect a journey to take 8 hours and instead you make really good time and get there in 7, I don’t think the traveler should have to sit somewhere waiting to knock.

I do.

Me too. They get a coffee from somewhere and read or play on their phone.

I'm not letting anyone in an hour early, I won't be ready. Honestly, chances are I'm not even in.

quinceh · 18/12/2022 10:16

I wouldn’t turn up early without checking it was ok. Quite an easy check to
make though.

MrsClatterbuck · 18/12/2022 10:16

HelloTreacle9 · 17/12/2022 16:29

My in-laws do this. Invite them for lunch (‘come here any time after 12, we’ll be eating at 1’) and they arrive at 11. I am frequently not dressed/ready/still dashing round with the hoover or food prep. It drives me mad. Last time I gave DH strict instructions to say ‘please do not arrive before 12’ and they pulled in the drive at 11.30. I find it so rude and thoughtless. The moment they arrive they want to talk at me, want fresh coffee etc too and it looks like I’m stressed and disorganised, when if they’d arrived when I was expecting them everything would be done and I’d be able to focus on them.

I would try giving them a later time to arrive say one for 2 but plan dinner for one and they will probably come for 12.

Endpress · 18/12/2022 10:18

Yes it’s annoying

starfishmummy · 18/12/2022 10:18

My in laws used to do this whenever we had an "event" - eg a birthday party. Mil would say they'd come to help get things ready...and then just sat down expecting to be entertained while we were trying to get dc and ourselves into party clothes

In the end I'd start giving them a later time - so if everyone else was invited for 3pm, I'd tell the in laws 3.30....

NotRainingToday · 18/12/2022 10:21

HelloTreacle9 · 17/12/2022 16:29

My in-laws do this. Invite them for lunch (‘come here any time after 12, we’ll be eating at 1’) and they arrive at 11. I am frequently not dressed/ready/still dashing round with the hoover or food prep. It drives me mad. Last time I gave DH strict instructions to say ‘please do not arrive before 12’ and they pulled in the drive at 11.30. I find it so rude and thoughtless. The moment they arrive they want to talk at me, want fresh coffee etc too and it looks like I’m stressed and disorganised, when if they’d arrived when I was expecting them everything would be done and I’d be able to focus on them.

Mine do exactly the same. Last time they were invited for 'lunch after 12pm' they turned up at 8.30am.

Polestar50 · 18/12/2022 10:21

In response to a couple of PPs who said it's fine for some friends/family to pop in or show up early as they don't feel they have to present a showhome image to them.

The thing is it's not just about cleaning and presentation. My home isn't perfect but I'm pretty happy for anyone to come in at any point.
What annoys me about early arrivals is that Life is busy with work and young family and I use any spare time to catch up with little things like paying bills, replying to messages, meal planning etc. By turning up early they have taken that little window of opportunity away from me and expected my attention to turn to them. As others have said. It's more about the disrespect for someone else's time rather than being embarrassed about hoovering or washing up.

I agree it's usually people who have less going on in their lives who simply don't get that busier people won't always be available and happy to see them however early they turn up.

frami · 18/12/2022 10:34

Don't know about rude but bloody annoying.
Last night we hosted a Christmas party starting 7.30. FIrst guest arrived at 6.15 - I was in the shower. Their excuse was the train strike they had an offer of a lift.. OK but our guest has a car and had already arranged to stay the night and there's a pub, 3 minutes from our house that he could have waited in.

At the other extreme we had 2 guests arrive at 11.30!

....think I may need to get new friends!

RichardMarxisinnocent · 18/12/2022 10:41

What annoys me about early arrivals is that Life is busy with work and young family and I use any spare time to catch up with little things like paying bills, replying to messages, meal planning etc. By turning up early they have taken that little window of opportunity away from me and expected my attention to turn to them.

If I arrived earlier than anticipated I certainly wouldn't expect my friend to turn their attention to me. If she was busy with something I'd make her a coffee or if appropriate help her with whatever it was. Or I might offer to do something else useful. But I think our visits are different to a lot of people's on this thread. My friend and I don't stop our normal lives and concentrate solely on hosting, we generally carry on as normal, but with an extra person in the house who we chat to, and with some extra trips out for coffee/lunch /dinner.

HairyMcLarie · 18/12/2022 10:43

I think it might be an 'older generation' thing. My parents and their parents would be up and suited and booted and presentable by 8am irrespective of the plans for the day. House always visitor ready. Both mothers were SAHPs so had the time and the inclination. Showing up early wouldn't have meant finding the house in disarray or the host unready as they had bugger all else to do

Compared to now where everyone is working and commuting and juggling kids and home stuff and there's shit to get done. There just weren't the demands on time there are now. I'm literally throwing myself in the shower 15 minutes before people are due to arrive.

I've also noticed that if my or DHs parents have ONE thing to do that day it wipes the whole day out for them. We once travelled 12,000 miles to see PIL but we were told we couldn't arrive at theirs until 2 days later because FIL had a dentist appointment one day and the next day was the day they always went to the farm shop. We had to check into a hotel in London and then drive the two hours to theirs on the designated day. We arrived at 1pm (after saying we'd be there by lunchtime) and they complained about how late we were as they had been awaiting our arrival since 10am and 'hadn't been able to get anything else done'. Similar if they ever came to ours when we were in the UK. They'd be at the door at the crack of bloody dawn and always had to be at the train station for the trip home about 2 hours beforehand lest some catastrophe occur

BellePeppa · 18/12/2022 10:43

Ponderingwindow · 17/12/2022 16:22

It’s rude to show up excessively early.

but there is a caveat for people traveling long distances. If you expect a journey to take 8 hours and instead you make really good time and get there in 7, I don’t think the traveler should have to sit somewhere waiting to knock.

for family that lives far away, we have an expected arrival range that is white large, not a specific, just because the journey is so unpredictable.

Unless you don’t have a phone a text or call to warn of an earlier than expected arrival would be good manners.

PurpleButterflyWings · 18/12/2022 10:48

@BigMama32 YANBU. 15 minutes early is the optimum early IMO. 1.5 hours? I wouldn't have let them in! What if you'd not been in? These are the same kind of A-holes who turn up early at medical appointments - like 45-50 minutes not 10 minutes, and then start kicking off and causing drama because the HCPs/doctors/nurses won't drop everything to accommodate them, fit them in early etc etc..

LakieLady · 18/12/2022 10:52

Ponderingwindow · 17/12/2022 16:22

It’s rude to show up excessively early.

but there is a caveat for people traveling long distances. If you expect a journey to take 8 hours and instead you make really good time and get there in 7, I don’t think the traveler should have to sit somewhere waiting to knock.

for family that lives far away, we have an expected arrival range that is white large, not a specific, just because the journey is so unpredictable.

On the rare occasions that unexpectedly traffic-free roads have led to me arriving early, I go to a pub or cafe and while away an hour or two, rather than rock up before people are "visitor ready".

NormalNans · 18/12/2022 10:52

RichardMarxisinnocent · 18/12/2022 10:41

What annoys me about early arrivals is that Life is busy with work and young family and I use any spare time to catch up with little things like paying bills, replying to messages, meal planning etc. By turning up early they have taken that little window of opportunity away from me and expected my attention to turn to them.

If I arrived earlier than anticipated I certainly wouldn't expect my friend to turn their attention to me. If she was busy with something I'd make her a coffee or if appropriate help her with whatever it was. Or I might offer to do something else useful. But I think our visits are different to a lot of people's on this thread. My friend and I don't stop our normal lives and concentrate solely on hosting, we generally carry on as normal, but with an extra person in the house who we chat to, and with some extra trips out for coffee/lunch /dinner.

But you can’t hoover and mop the floor with someone sitting there. Or clean the toilet. Or nip to the shops.

Its really bloody rude to be early.

Lovethatforyou · 18/12/2022 10:55

My in-laws did this for Sunday lunch last week. Come for 1 please, they turned up at 1130 😩

The house wasn’t tidy, I was bra-less in pjs, unshowered and just putting the meat in the oven.

I thought they could have a festive drink at 1, have some time with dgc then lunch 145/2ish. Meaning lunch was was served two and a half hours after they arrived. And I felt stressed to fuck.

Its not unusual for them. Next time I’ll say arrive at 2. They’ll prob still come at 11 bloody 30 though.

I did say, nothing’s ready, everything’s a mess. They just laughed it off.

Rude.

WandaWonder · 18/12/2022 10:55

NormalNans · 18/12/2022 10:52

But you can’t hoover and mop the floor with someone sitting there. Or clean the toilet. Or nip to the shops.

Its really bloody rude to be early.

Show quote history

Sure if it's the king maybe but my parents or inlaws I have and would same and my inlaws or parents do if we are early to them

Life goes on even if other people are around, why is it just a complicated issue (meaning in general)

Runki · 18/12/2022 10:57

I think it's very rude. Funnily enough I had this happen to me only yesterday. I was meeting a friend who is always early, and to try to be ready for him, I sent a message to ask what time he would be arriving. We had agreed for him to come round at 10.00 am, but I had a feeling he'd be early. He didn't reply. But then turned up at 9.00 am and I was in a flap...hair still wet... place a mess. I'd rather someone be slightly late than turn up early. It just puts you on the backfoot and makes you feel stressed. So.....I am with you on this one!