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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it rude to show up very early?

123 replies

BigMama32 · 17/12/2022 15:51

I was due to have an In law come today, I had planned babies naps etc to fit in with this.
she came 1.5hrs early with no text or phone call to check if it was ok to. I think it was impolite to do this with no notice, what does everyone else think?

OP posts:
BouleBaker · 18/12/2022 03:22

I once had a party for my birthday, lots of friends coming with lots of children so lots to do. One family turned up 2 hours early and actually said to my face "We were going to pop into John Lewis yo get you a gift but decided not to bother and just come over instead". They then sat on the sofa and expected to he waited on while their child ran around.

I have other friends who would phone to check if being early was ok and would pitch in with helping, so it really does depend sometimes.

MuddlingThrough1724 · 18/12/2022 03:58

thelobsterquadrille · 17/12/2022 16:35

In that case, I'd expect a text in advance saying something like "Hi Jane - miraculously we've made really good time and can be with you for 12pm, or if you have plans we can pop to (coffee shop) for a bit beforehand?"

Show quote history

Oh, this is absolutely what I would do, I'd not dream of being more than a few mins early and would kill some time. I find being early more rude than being late to be honest as there's a good chance people will be rushing to get ready for visitors.

My parents used to drive to see us, was maybe a 4 hour journey. I would always ask them to call me when passing a specific landmark that's about 45 minutes away as it would mean I had an idea of when they'd actually arrive, or if it was a work day/I had errands to run, I had 45 mins to wrap up what I was doing and get home. They never, ever did, am sure it was a control thing. Instead they'd call when they were at the end of the road (which is only about 200 metres away). They got a surprise one Friday afternoon when I was still in the office working as they hadn't done the very simple thing asked and were annoyed they had to wait for me to finish what I was doing and drive home to let them in. They did similar when they moved and seeing us involved me meeting them off flights (always to the airport an hour away rather than the one 5 minutes away, always late at night despite me having a small child and always not on the day they were actually invited to start their stay). Call just as you are through security and before you get your bags so I can finish my rare treat of a starbucks down the road and have time to make the ten minute final it of the driveto collect you and not be in a rush.....called when stood in the car park with bags impatiently waiting for me.

DipmeinChoc · 18/12/2022 04:14

I think it is. The ILs do it all the time by at least an hour, I have tell them to arrive an hour after we need them. They did it yesterday I was still out at the shops getting ready for their arrival and they were waiting for us when we got back, I was so flustered rushing around and they still turned up 1.5hrs early.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 18/12/2022 04:35

Worse than lateness for me . Also the thought of people having their own key & just letting themselves in … just no !

HairyMcLarie · 18/12/2022 06:11

I'd be fucking fuming. I give a time for arrival and assume everyone will understand I expect them with the half hour after that.

Sonyrecording · 18/12/2022 06:58

When they arrive and want coffee - help yourself, I’m not ready for you yet. They want to chat - have to stop you there. I’ll chat when I’ve finished this vacuuming, had a shower and changed. Also, be polite but not gushingly welcoming - oh hi, wasn’t expecting you yet. Make yourselves comfortable, I need to finish and get changed.

StrewthMarge · 18/12/2022 07:17

It is very rude to turn up early. It stresses people out.

However, what is acceptably late to someone's house? I often wonder this. Ten or 15 or 30 minutes?

I think being punctual when meeting someone outside the home is essential.

MinnieMountain · 18/12/2022 07:20

Why would relatives let themselves in? MIL has a key for emergencies and occasionally feeding our cat. She always knocks when she comes round.

Floristdreamer · 18/12/2022 07:44

My MIL does this all the time! It's so bloody annoying, she doesn't seem to understand its rude especially as I have 2 young children. I think she does it to cause a stir or stress me out as she will always point out I'm not ready/ are you wearing that when its clear i will not be wearing my pjs/casual attire. She is hosting Christmas this year and I plan to go super early with two kids 😬

HintofVintagePink · 18/12/2022 07:59

Very rude. The last 20 minutes of time before someone is due is the time I use to make myself presentable after getting the house and food and DC ready.

DelurkingLawyer · 18/12/2022 08:12

Massively rude.

When we first lived in London we had a tiny flat so PIL stayed in a hotel. I said, for Sunday lunch do your own thing in the morning and turn up at 1pm, because I didn’t want them under my feet while cooking. They were at the door at 11am. We ignored the doorbell and they just stood there ringing and banging the main door till our downstairs neighbour complained and we had to let them in. I was furious and MIL made a big thing of the fact that I hadn’t hoovered etc.

After that we always went to see them for literally years until we bought a house. DH invited them to stay with us as we now had space. I left the arrangements for their arrival entirely to him as I would be in court so I had no way of taking a call or changing my schedule. He told them not to arrive before 4pm as he had a client meeting. They were at the door at 12 and our cleaner, who had no idea who they were, refused to let them in. They were most put out when DH said he had meetings and then a 45 minute journey home. No hotel as they were staying with us, so they had to sit in the car for 4 hours! 😬

WandaWonder · 18/12/2022 08:19

I just gave the inlaws a key and as long as we knew what day we just said make ourselves at home if we are not home and if we were home they were just happy to make tea/coffee and watch TV

Same as we turn up to their place, when we all lived close enough for all this to be possible

EsmeSusanOgg · 18/12/2022 08:21

Ponderingwindow · 17/12/2022 16:22

It’s rude to show up excessively early.

but there is a caveat for people traveling long distances. If you expect a journey to take 8 hours and instead you make really good time and get there in 7, I don’t think the traveler should have to sit somewhere waiting to knock.

for family that lives far away, we have an expected arrival range that is white large, not a specific, just because the journey is so unpredictable.

This makes sense to me. A reasonable caveat.

glamourousindierockandroll · 18/12/2022 08:24

It's rude, yes.

But refusing to answer the door is ridiculously childish.

DillDanding · 18/12/2022 08:30

It’s so bloody rude.

My parents (now dead) used to always turn up about an hour early. Infuriating. I resorted to adding an hour on to the time ie ‘come at 1’ became ‘come at 2’.

My in laws do this on Christmas Day - which is the peak of rudeness. Last year we said 2pm onwards and they turned up at 11.30, when we weren’t even dressed.

BlastedPimples · 18/12/2022 08:33

Refusing to answer the door means they might learn their lesson.

inappropriateraspberry · 18/12/2022 08:50

Very rude! Was there a mix up with times perhaps?

MeatWantedToLive · 18/12/2022 08:54

I always arrive early! (15-20mins). Better rain that in!

Mariposista · 18/12/2022 08:55

My uncle does this every time. We should have been prepared.
He once gave my mum a lift to the airport to come and visit me, and he arrived 25 minutes before the agreed pick up time. She felt compelled to rush, no time to finish her tea, brush her teeth, sort hair etc, just grab bag and go. It sounds trivial and she was grateful for the lift rather than pay 60 for a taxi but that was unnecessarily stressful.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 18/12/2022 09:14

Very rude I remember one Christmas Eve I’d arranged my mum to come round for a Christmas drink after 2pm she turned up at 11.30 because she was ready . I was mid way through cleaning so wasn’t ready to stop for a Christmas drink . I poured her a drink stopped to chat and then she left as she said oh you’re busy . Yes mum that’s why I said after 2pm . I was really upset I thought it’d be nice to have a Christmas drink but after my cleaning in the afternoon not at 11.30 in the morning just because she’s ready .

howdyhey · 18/12/2022 09:17

In my opinion it's as rude as being late. When you invite someone to your house you generally wish to portray a specific impression of yourself and your home, but if the guest arrives too early they take this away and can be awkward for the host. In DH's family and hometown it seems to be the done thing to arrive early. If you aren't five minutes early then you are late.

EL8888 · 18/12/2022 09:18

Rude. Especially if you need to “host” her. My MIL is obsessed by not being late but that’s like 10 minutes early. A few hours early is ridiculous!

DelurkingLawyer · 18/12/2022 09:19

BlastedPimples · 18/12/2022 08:33

Refusing to answer the door means they might learn their lesson.

And when my PIL showed up 2 hours early I wasn’t even dressed, rushing around with wet hair after a shower. Why should I answer the door just because they’ve been so titanically rude as to turn up 2 hours early?

Also, how batshit do you have to be when you arrive early and get no answer, to keep ringing the buzzer and banging away? What if we actually had been out?

BrutusMcDogface · 18/12/2022 09:26

Terribly rude. It would be so distressing for me as I’d be running around like a blue arsed fly at that point, probably not even showered yet as that’s the last thing I do when I’m getting the house ready for company! (Yes, it’s a big job 😬)

my mother in law brought her sister over half an hour early when I had her first grandchild because she was so excited! I mean, that’s quite sweet and only half an hour (and the house was permanently visitor ready at that stage in my life- one newborn vs four growing kids and a busy job but I digress). She saw the look on my face and has never done it again! 🤣

Crimeismymiddlename · 18/12/2022 09:41

It’s as rude as being late. I Do a lot of interviews and the candidates that turn up 30/45min early really mess up my day. Of course I ask them if it’s possible for them to take themselves for a coffee/walk but often they just hang about so I end up putting off my tasks that I had planned to interview early. It’s very entitled as the very early person has not thought about the other person’s plans.