to think a husband should be tolerant and supportive of his wife's mental health issues?

[guineapugs]

I'm in shock. DH has just said that he "doesn't care" and it's "not his problem". He said that if I understand it then I should just deal with it and not draw him into it. I said that as my husband he should be interested and support me. He said that he doesn't want to deal with my weirdities and "my anxieties". So I'm alone then... dealing with OCD and ADHD on my own.
This blew up (in front of the kids) because I was sat next to him trying to write a text to our couple friends about a meet up we have arranged. I told DH that I felt stuck and fixated on this text as I couldn't figure out how to word it. I said this is related to the ADHD (unmedicated). He gave me a look of distain and said that it's not because ADHD is not being able to sit still or pay attention. I said that if he read around the subject, he'd learn there are different types and it presents different in females to the 'classic' ADHD that most people wrongly think of. He said I'm an adult and then kicked off about me having to deal with it myself and then everything I wrote above. Then he walked out. AIBU to think this isn't the response of a loving spouse. I thought we were doing so well recently... hardly argued and had become intimate again but now I feel like it was all pretend.

In an ideal world, yes but he is human too and if your mental health issues are wide ranging, self diagnosed(?) and frequently affect him then I can understand him sometimes lacking in patience.

He could have offered to do the text himself, it’s a relatively minor issue really and if he can’t be supportive of that what more serious issues he can’t be supportive of, it doesn’t sound a great marriage

From the end of your post it sounds like this is really about bigger issues?

Obviously partners should be supportive, but they should also both hold up their end, so you could both have a point depending on the wider context.

I get where you’re coming from.

I think some see it as victimising yourself because “everyone has difficulties” and they have to get on with it. Unless they do extensive research themselves they’ll never understand the extent and nuances of these difficulties when your brain is wired differently to NTs.

A lot of people will only take a professional seriously. And then a lot of people will think the professionals have got it wrong too.

In an ideal world, we could wave our information at our friends and families and be given some leeway for our oddities. But “you can’t use that as an excuse!” 🙄

Tbh I see both sides - sometimes people become obsessed with it and everything in their life revolves around their condition and how they handle it etc.

Of course, partners should be understanding and supportive of mental health issues. That said, it can take a toll on them too and if he is constantly having to reassure you or support you then who supports him? (gender is irrelevant here- it applies to both genders). Having supported partners with mental health issues in the past, I found it completely exhausting at times and often my needs (which were relatively minimal in comparison) were often ignored or brushed aside because I didnt have a mental health diagnosis and so therefore my needs werent seen as important or legitimate as theirs, which is simply not true. I was happy to support as much as needed but not when the relationship became completely one sided and I was basically completely alone with noone to listen to me when I had a problem/emotional issue. I'm not saying thats whats going on here- I'm merely offering another perspective to the idea that partners should always support, no matter what.

I never talk about the OCD as it all happens in secret although he is aware.
I've only recently opened up to him about suspecting ADHD and I have an assessment happening in January. This is to ensure the ADs I'm on are appropriate and the research I've done has helped me become more comfortable in my own skin rather than feeling shit about myself all the time. I thought speaking to DH might help him understand that some of the things I do (or don't do because of procrastination) aren't always done on purpose. I feel like he's basically told me to put up and shut up and he isn't available to support me in this part of my life.
He's not exhausted from dealing with my mental health as it's never been mentioned before a few weeks ago.

Of course partners should support each other. He should have helped with the text. I have (I suspect) undiagnosed ASD (I assess ASD professionally so this isn't an uninformed view) and my dp absolutely helps scaffold social interactions when I am unsure e.g. "does this text sound normal" or "how do I politely say that..."

But it depends a bit on what extent of support you want. I have known people who want their difficulty to become the responsibility of people around them to manage e.g. wanting their family to "not trigger them" rather than taking responsibility for working on their reactions. That would be unreasonable.

Hmm.

Going against the grain - I’ve had a partner with acute MH issues and I cannot even begin to tell you how draining it is to manage that, stay nice, tolerate often poor behaviour and always be The Good Guy.

I think people with these issues, without meaning to be, can often be rather self absorbed. And it’s hard to always 100% be ‘on it’ in terms of being the happy nice smiley supportive loved one. Sometimes his behaviour made me think “WTF” or “Oh FGS not this again” or “Oh here comes the excuse” and I would snap. I’m human too, I found there was VERY little wriggle room in the relationship for me and my needs. Families very often rotate around the most ‘dysfunctional’ member and the burden is always on the other members who don’t feel like they can get a look on lest they be called unsupportive.

I’m going to be a bit harsh OP and ask you if it’s all about you in the marriage?

But this is just enabling the OP not doing things for herself

Oh @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet , you are so right. Its not necessarily whats happening here, but my God its what happened in my marriage and it is SO draining.

OP, were you able to write texts to people before you thought you had ADHD?

It's hugely draining to have a partner with long term mental health issues.
I'm so so glad I don't have to deal with it any more.

As you say, the expectation is to be constantly supportive and interested. There's no other role available in the end. It all revolves around the other person

Is this relationship still working for you both?

I'm a support worker so deal with people with your conditions and others daily, I love my job and I love my people!
No fucking way could I live with someone with them though. Medicate yourself.

Op, I have a diagnosis of adhd. I also have PTSD. On the other hand I have lived with someone with a series of mental health problems and cared for them. Including OCD.

Both sides are extremely difficult. Just like I manage my adhd and PTSD, but that doesn’t work 100% of the time. Caring for someone can be draining and it’s impossible to be 100% supportive all the time.

You may think your OCD is private. But there’s likely impacts on him. Your behaviour when you can’t do your routine (using routine as an example).

It’s draining when everything is reduced to ‘I can’t do this because of this condition’ especially when that condition isn’t yet diagnosed but being treated as it 100% true.

Fixating could be a sign of adhd. It’s also could be OCD.

I take it your OCD is diagnosed? Is that how they are treating it, with ADs?

As another woman with ADHD and ASD, this

I’m going to agree with this and I have OCD (diagnosed, inpatient stay blah blah but ‘under control’ now).

I’m very mindful of not overloading DH with complaints about my MH, my first port of call is always to remember the techniques from my counselling, do some self care, and give myself a good talking to. I only mention it if I feel it’s really something I cannot work through alone, thankfully that’s only one or twice a year. DH has the patience of a saint but is also human and I need to be there for him as well.

DH has ADHD, as do all his brothers. He also has severe dyslexia and dyscalculia. It's fucking exhausting for him, but my god it exhausts me too.

I have to pick up after him, think ahead and plan everything, read and write his emails / important texts or social media messages / letters / applications / work reviews (yes I write those with him)/ work PowerPoints..... I do ALL the wife work and more and at times I lose my fucking patience with being required to parent him, run the household, hold down a full time job plus a second job and function with my own depressive episodes.

So occasionally, you'll find that whilst he loves you and want to help you, there are days when he's absolutely had enough you have to crack on without a proof reader. If it's a job application, I'm sure he'll help. A text to your mate? Write it yourself!

He said I'm an adult and then kicked off about me having to deal with it myself

Sounds like it was said in exasperation and not in a nice way, but as other OPs have said, it is draining to be around people with LT MH problems. You are saying he should be tolerant, but how do your problems affect him? He has a right to have feelings about that. IME, anxious people can really start relying heavily on others to manage their anxiety which is draining, and underestimate the impact this has on those people. I have seen people get really angry when this is pointed out. And there is a world of difference between that attitude 'its hard for me to do this and I need to sort out a coping strategy for myself' and 'I cant be asked to do certain things because of my MH'. Ultimately we are all coping with our MH on our own because it is our responsibility.

I’m not sure how tolerant I’d be of someone’s self diagnosis of ADHD meaning they couldn’t write a text to be honest.

He's not exhausted from dealing with my mental health as it's never been mentioned before a few weeks ago.

Yes, but unless you suddenly developed ADHD and OCD a few weeks ago, surely he has been dealing with the behaviors stemming from those issues.

This.

It's totally unnerving, especially if it's self-diagnosed! 🙄

I procrastinate doing all kinds of important things. Doesn't mean I have any conditions. Sometimes it's just a character trait and not a fancy medical issue.

If you’ve never mentioned it and he hasn’t noticed it affecting your behaviour then do you actually have it? Surely if it was that life affecting he would have noticed

This likely isn't the only one-sided thing he does.

What happens when you or the kids are sickm
Who does the most compromising?
Do things tend to revolve around him or is it equal?

Do you spend time listening and helping with his problems or is it all one-sided?