to think a husband should be tolerant and supportive of his wife's mental health issues?

[guineapugs]

I'm in shock. DH has just said that he "doesn't care" and it's "not his problem". He said that if I understand it then I should just deal with it and not draw him into it. I said that as my husband he should be interested and support me. He said that he doesn't want to deal with my weirdities and "my anxieties". So I'm alone then... dealing with OCD and ADHD on my own.
This blew up (in front of the kids) because I was sat next to him trying to write a text to our couple friends about a meet up we have arranged. I told DH that I felt stuck and fixated on this text as I couldn't figure out how to word it. I said this is related to the ADHD (unmedicated). He gave me a look of distain and said that it's not because ADHD is not being able to sit still or pay attention. I said that if he read around the subject, he'd learn there are different types and it presents different in females to the 'classic' ADHD that most people wrongly think of. He said I'm an adult and then kicked off about me having to deal with it myself and then everything I wrote above. Then he walked out. AIBU to think this isn't the response of a loving spouse. I thought we were doing so well recently... hardly argued and had become intimate again but now I feel like it was all pretend.

Maybe he's just a dick. But the fact that you've only mentioned it twice doesn't mean he's been oblivious to the behaviors that have caused you to believe you have ADHD. Something has led you to diagnose yourself with ADHD and I would be willing to bet that he has noticed those same things.

Drinking far too much isn't necessarily a symptom of dyslexia but would exacerbate it.

This

You may not talk about your MH very often, but that doesn't necessarily reduce the impact it has on your DH.

You also don't have a diagnosis of ADHD yet, so, in all honesty, I can't really blame him for not being particularly supportive at the moment - he doesn't know what he's dealing with (and neither do you).

I say all that as someone whose DH has diagnosed ADHD.

OP AIBU is the worst place to ask this kind of question. Most of the commentors aren't particularly educated about mental health issues and have a massive bias towards giving the OP a kicking no matter what they type. They also seem fairly incapable of handling nuance. I've supported my partner through MH issues and I was 100% glad to be there for them and we came out stronger.

TO actually answer your question OP. Yes of course your spouse should support you. Whether or not your difficuties are due to ADHD (and no they shouldn't wait for your assessment results to be supportive) you're finding things difficult and need support. Anyone supporting a partner with any difficulty (bereavement, mental health, physical health) will occassionally become exhausted themselves and might not react in a supportive manner 100% of the time. It's important they also get love and support and time for themselves so they don't get burned out.

Your DP's reaction wasn't supportive or kind but the question is why did he react that way. Was it because he's under stress or feels he's taken on too much of the emotional workload and just crumbled or does he genuinely think this is all your problem and he shouldn't have to bother himself. If it's the latter I couldn't really continue a relationship with someone with this attitude. In the former case it needs a discussion during a calm moment where you both talk about your needs and how they can all be met.

I have ADHD (not yet diagnosed but my pyschologist who is an expert is fairly confident that I do) and I've found therapy very helpful. My husband is also incredibly supportive. I've supported him with MH problems too and unlike the other commentors here it was something I was happy to do for my partner who I love. I'm confident he feels the same in supporting me. Good relationships do exist.

Nobody is saying you shouldn't see a professional in January. You absolutely should. But you haven't yet, and your posts read to me like you are desperate for an ADHD diagnosis, so that your DH then has to step up and be your carer. Maybe he senses this and doesnt want to take on that role.

I'd be irritated by the "oh I can't write this awkward text because of my ADHD so can you do it?" thing too if you're an adult who's managed until Mumsnet suggested ADHD.

Yeah he didn't help me so I wasted another 10 - 15 minutes trying to get it to make sense.

So if he is a genuinely awful husband/person you may need to take steps towards leaving.

But (and I mean this as kindly as I can) your posts do show the impact your OCD and/or ND have on him.

‘He could see I was rewriting and deleting, if he could just do it, it would break the cycle’

You expected action because he could see you rewriting it. I have adhd and would feel completely infantilised if Dp tried to step in. You then wanted him to text YOUR friends because of adhd, which you may not have. These seem like small things, but living with someone who struggles to do something as simple as text their own friends is exhausting. The small things add up.

I saw your thread with a list of symptoms. Firstly? How many of those posters are experts and how many experts would diagnose from a simple list without actually meeting you? It could be that your on going OCD is causing the distraction and the need to be doing something new. New jobs, new hobbies, not sticking at things until you finish. You could be simply trying to outrun the anxiety your OCD is causing. I have no idea, but that’s why MN can’t diagnose with any certainty.

But, all those things you listed are exhausting. The constant job interviews and job hopping, makes life unstable. The keen interest in a hobby, the expectation. Of others to be interested for you, for you to drop it do something else to start the cycle again is exhausting. The starting one thing, never finishing and moving onto another is exhausting. For both the person doing it and the person living with them.

So whilst he should be supportive m, I think I you also have to be realistic about how much support you can expect. No one can do it all the time. Especially if they have their own mental health problems as you said he does.

It could be that he is an arse. Or it could be that you genuinely don’t believe your ways impact him and therefore ignore the impact and expect nothing but pure support.

If it’s the first, make steps to leave.

It sounds like your issues in the marriage are more wide-ranging than just this incident. You can't really take one thing in isolation without looking at the wider picture.

My dh has asd and adhd and has had severe depression in the past. Tbh he doesn't even notice how much he leans on me, even though he never actually mentions his diagnoses. Sometimes it can be wearing and sometimes I do snap, he is mostly oblivious but it's a case of the straw that breaks the camels back. What will I say in this message to my mum, how are our finances, 'we' need to fill in this form(when he knows full well I will do it because he struggles with forms etc. I could give a million examples of little things he needs help and direction with and sometimes I'm just tired. I don't have the energy to be 'supportive' when I also have a household to run, 2 teens(1 with asd and adhd too) that need me to be supportive, a business to run and pets that rely on me to take care of their basic needs.

I suppose what I am saying is even if you don't talk about it you don't live in a vacuum and it will impact others and sometimes theywill just do not have enough brain space to deal with it. Sometimes people just want to be left the fuck alone and not have to walk you through basic tasks.

Sounds like a symptom of a wider issue in your relationship.

I suspect, given how you have responded to people on this thread, you are quite focussed and single minded and the level of detail you can fall into is ‘extremely precise.’

i think your DH could be struggling with the challenges of you…. I don’t know if it’s the completely overwhelming type or just a series of small things and the straw the breaks the camels back and/or you caught him on an off day.

Also, you haven’t really said if he is generally an understanding and patient person or completely the opposite, in fact, you’ve seemingly taken one incident, come online, and are seemingly looking for some validation of how he should treat you and quite dismissive of others viewpoints. These are big red flags and you might have a YOU problem, not a DH problem.

Sorry.

I have a teenager with ADHD. They're self absorbed, lack any empathy and frankly are exhausting to live with. Being very blunt, if they were my spouse I would have left, despite loving them.

You've self diagnosed ADHD a few weeks ago. How often have you mentioned it since then? What steps are you taking to see if you can improve things for yourself? Are you taking proactive action or are you using your self diagnosis as a reason for all difficulties in your life? I imagine it's an awful lot for your DH to take on board too.

I wouldn't regard sending a text to friends about a meeting up as an activity I needed to involve my DH in. I think your DH probably feels the same.

Most of the commentors aren't particularly educated about mental health issues and have a massive bias towards giving the OP a kicking no matter what they type. They also seem fairly incapable of handling nuance.

What a massively arrogant thing to say.

Behold RegularNameChangerVersion21 has arrived to give their considerably better than anyone else's advice.

There you go OP, thread closed 🙄

Me too. Sending you love, OP. I think you need to have a chat with DH about this and get to the bottom of his issue because you need to hear his feelings, but he also needs to support you too.

I can't believe how harsh people are being. Yes, if you have mental health issues you do still have a responsibility to not overload your spouse - to see a therapist, practise self soothing or other techniques appropriate to your condition, to also talk to friends and family members. And it can be draining when you are in a bad patch. But this doesn't sound anything like what the OP is describing.

We are still worthy of love and care, and being in a relationship even if we're neurodivergent and/or have mental health conditions. I have plenty of mental health issues and have a lot of sources of support. One is my partner, which is perfectly okay, but I do have others if he isn't in the headspace to help me. Communicating clearly with each other is the most important bit, and a partner that takes the time to understand your issues makes the difference. And my partner sometimes needs me to support him too, in various ways. That's literally a relationship.

Mumsnet can be a hideous place sometimes, I would honestly just leave the thread, OP.

No, drinking heavily is a classic symptom of his ADHD and poor decision making.

@RegularNameChangerVersion21 👏👏👏 So well said, you hit the nail on the head better than I did.

I’d echo the posters pointing out that being the partner in this scenario isn’t easy in and of itself.

A couple of things strike me though - you’ve obviously noticed ‘things’ yourself to be on the way to an appointment to look for ADHD. There’s no way your partner hasn’t noticed too even if you don’t talk about them explicitly, there’s a possibility that he’s concerned that behaviours or habits that have exasperated him will now be justified by a formal diagnosis removing the possibility that they’ll stop or be improved. That’s not necessarily true but I understand the concern that something you’ve hoped can be resolved all of a sudden being one that you have to make your peace with can be a blow.

Secondly you mentioned that you support him with panic attacks etc. I think it’s really rare that two people with ongoing problems are the best people to support one another. That’s not the end of the relationship but you both need to recognise your limitations and assess expectations. It’s absolutely fine to say that at this point in time you don’t have enough to put in as the other needs and seek alternative support.

I think you are going to get different responses depending on whether the poster is a carer or the one being cared for. Many of us have experience of doing the caring, and I don't think we should be dismissed as being harsh and cruel. There is nothing more exhausting than being a support human.

You’ve had OCD since your teens, so you married him with it - and chose to marry a man you feel you have to keep it a secret from. Is he the man for you?

He needs to stay off the booze completely then.

Yep, this doesn’t even only happen in marriages…you’ve just summed up the dynamics of a long-standing friendship I have. She’s been diagnosed with some conditions stemming from childhood trauma and I tried to be there for her, but as the years went on I felt she is now seeing me and others around her as purely people to support her. It’s not reciprocated to the same extent at all. I have had to step away as it’s a drain being a 24/7 therapist.

I'm wondering why you felt the need to attribute your problem in drafting a text to a mental health difficulty? Plenty of people can struggle to word something just because, without there being any particular reason. It may seem like you're trying to make a big deal out of something very trivial, or that you're trying to drag your MH in whether it's relevant or not.

Yep. It's a huge issue in our marriage, but that's for another thread.

Honestly every adult women who watches TikTok seems to have adhd right now. I say that as someone who was particularly assessed as a child before storming off and refusing to participate so was left with a highly likely but unable to complete assessment.

I know I am exhausting to live with. Diagnosed or not if your behaviour is such that even you can see it his been living it weather you mention it or not. Also is your ocd maybe over focusing on this possible adhd too. We all struggle to write texts sometimes. Many a time I’ve written a huge post to mn and then just deleted it because it didn’t work I didn’t like it. Many many is not most people would score a few points on all testing for ocd/adhd even autism as it such a wide spectrum.

Sounds like you're having a hard time right. Is even if it's the first time you've mentioned it to him, he may have been dealing with the impact of your mental health for many years. Not everyone can do that, he can't fix it for you. I really hope the assessment in January helps.