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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a husband should be tolerant and supportive of his wife's mental health issues?

85 replies

guineapugs · 17/12/2022 13:28

I'm in shock. DH has just said that he "doesn't care" and it's "not his problem". He said that if I understand it then I should just deal with it and not draw him into it. I said that as my husband he should be interested and support me. He said that he doesn't want to deal with my weirdities and "my anxieties". So I'm alone then... dealing with OCD and ADHD on my own.
This blew up (in front of the kids) because I was sat next to him trying to write a text to our couple friends about a meet up we have arranged. I told DH that I felt stuck and fixated on this text as I couldn't figure out how to word it. I said this is related to the ADHD (unmedicated). He gave me a look of distain and said that it's not because ADHD is not being able to sit still or pay attention. I said that if he read around the subject, he'd learn there are different types and it presents different in females to the 'classic' ADHD that most people wrongly think of. He said I'm an adult and then kicked off about me having to deal with it myself and then everything I wrote above. Then he walked out. AIBU to think this isn't the response of a loving spouse. I thought we were doing so well recently... hardly argued and had become intimate again but now I feel like it was all pretend.

OP posts:
ginggung · 17/12/2022 18:57

I've friends with relentless anxieties and such like what your describing. She dated another mutual friend and he couldn't cope with it all, broke up after months because everything was a mountain, It's draining, tiring and relentless. Tbh I couldn't last.

Mariposista · 17/12/2022 19:31

provided that the one suffering the condition is under appropriate treatment/therapy, then yes. If they just say 'this is how I am' and expect the partner to put up with it, then they are selfish.

roarfeckingroarr · 17/12/2022 19:53

In general, I think it's give and take. I struggle with DP's ongoing mental health struggles, it becomes exhausting and draining - especially when you have kids and have to pick up the physical and emotional slack.

BUT your H sounds very unsupportive in general. It also doesn't sound like you opt out of parenting or talk constantly about your problems. So I don't think you're unreasonable to expect him to be more supportive.

LolaMoon · 17/12/2022 20:48

Mariposista · 17/12/2022 19:31

provided that the one suffering the condition is under appropriate treatment/therapy, then yes. If they just say 'this is how I am' and expect the partner to put up with it, then they are selfish.

Yes, I think much of this depends on how much the person is making an effort to help themselves. If someone is actively seeking help and utilising other support/resources/meds then it relieves the burden on the partner. But if they are not even willing to help themselves and just expecting the partner to do everything for them then that’s not on and it’s not really a partnership at all. It’s using them.

DucklingDaisy · 17/12/2022 21:01

Lindy2 · 17/12/2022 18:02

I have a teenager with ADHD. They're self absorbed, lack any empathy and frankly are exhausting to live with. Being very blunt, if they were my spouse I would have left, despite loving them.

You've self diagnosed ADHD a few weeks ago. How often have you mentioned it since then? What steps are you taking to see if you can improve things for yourself? Are you taking proactive action or are you using your self diagnosis as a reason for all difficulties in your life? I imagine it's an awful lot for your DH to take on board too.

I wouldn't regard sending a text to friends about a meeting up as an activity I needed to involve my DH in. I think your DH probably feels the same.

I don't think you really understand your teenager. Read Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate.

Same recommendation to the OP, if you want to really understand ADHD and whether you might have it.

spottygymbag · 17/12/2022 22:02

@LolaMoon totally agree.
DH is diagnosed, medicated and receiving support through a psychologist and a psychiatrist.
The diagnosis hasn't been a magic fix-all but has given us both direction and the opportunity to seek support. Prior to this I was burnt out keeping a runaway train on the tracks and was ready to walk away. It was DH's desire to engage with support systems and medication that has been the game changer. Otherwise as a PP have said, you're basically just a support human in a one way relationship.

Doodar · 17/12/2022 22:20

Lindy2 · 17/12/2022 18:02

I have a teenager with ADHD. They're self absorbed, lack any empathy and frankly are exhausting to live with. Being very blunt, if they were my spouse I would have left, despite loving them.

You've self diagnosed ADHD a few weeks ago. How often have you mentioned it since then? What steps are you taking to see if you can improve things for yourself? Are you taking proactive action or are you using your self diagnosis as a reason for all difficulties in your life? I imagine it's an awful lot for your DH to take on board too.

I wouldn't regard sending a text to friends about a meeting up as an activity I needed to involve my DH in. I think your DH probably feels the same.

This in spades. It’s fucking exhausting, have to support your child, no choice. I’d run for the hills if it was a partner.

raspberrytinsel · 17/12/2022 22:31

Could this not be your OCD progressing, and maybe it needs to be looked at again in terms of medication or therapy; just taking the example of being unable to formulate the text? That could fall under the umbrella diagnosis of OCD. Why did ADHD come into the equation? I'm just speaking to you - yourself without the question you have about your husbands support or lack of because I don't want to upset you any further but that is where I would start, not a new diagnosis. I am sure you are aware of how many ways OCD can affect a person's life.

Original poster
guineapugs · 17/12/2022 23:39

raspberrytinsel · 17/12/2022 22:31

Could this not be your OCD progressing, and maybe it needs to be looked at again in terms of medication or therapy; just taking the example of being unable to formulate the text? That could fall under the umbrella diagnosis of OCD. Why did ADHD come into the equation? I'm just speaking to you - yourself without the question you have about your husbands support or lack of because I don't want to upset you any further but that is where I would start, not a new diagnosis. I am sure you are aware of how many ways OCD can affect a person's life.

Thank you - that's a good point.

OP posts:
Original poster
guineapugs · 17/12/2022 23:49

@ducklingdaisy Thank you for the book recommendation x

OP posts:
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