to think a husband should be tolerant and supportive of his wife's mental health issues?

[guineapugs]

I'm in shock. DH has just said that he "doesn't care" and it's "not his problem". He said that if I understand it then I should just deal with it and not draw him into it. I said that as my husband he should be interested and support me. He said that he doesn't want to deal with my weirdities and "my anxieties". So I'm alone then... dealing with OCD and ADHD on my own.
This blew up (in front of the kids) because I was sat next to him trying to write a text to our couple friends about a meet up we have arranged. I told DH that I felt stuck and fixated on this text as I couldn't figure out how to word it. I said this is related to the ADHD (unmedicated). He gave me a look of distain and said that it's not because ADHD is not being able to sit still or pay attention. I said that if he read around the subject, he'd learn there are different types and it presents different in females to the 'classic' ADHD that most people wrongly think of. He said I'm an adult and then kicked off about me having to deal with it myself and then everything I wrote above. Then he walked out. AIBU to think this isn't the response of a loving spouse. I thought we were doing so well recently... hardly argued and had become intimate again but now I feel like it was all pretend.

We’re on to the leading questions now are we 🙄

I have to ask... what on EARTH would your DH do if her was alone/if you left him/if he had never met you?

Perhaps you should have just asked for help in how to word the text without mentioning the Adhd and giving him a lecture on it. I quite often run texts and emails past dh if they are at all controversial!

The short answer is yes, of course spouses support each other.
But I also know how wearing and difficult it can be to be the spouse of a partner with (diagnosed) ADHD and depression.
Spouses are also human and it's impossible to be the strong, supportive one all the time.

Just want to send hugs to Lydia - I’m there too and it is exhausting, always coping. X

How long have you been together? Whether you have a diagnosis or not surely your behaviour has always been the same . Have you become fixated on having ADHD and are now blaming this for what could be just normal quirks that most of us have ?

You haven't been diagnosed yet and you are already claiming you can't write a text? Am on your DH's side here. I think people leap to ADHD too easily these days. It's very draining being the capable one in a marriage.

“I told DH that I felt stuck and fixated on this text as I couldn't figure out how to word it. I said this is related to the ADHD (unmedicated).”

I’m going to guess that he has heard a lot about your ADHD (unmedicated because it’s undiagnosed) and you’d have got a less frustrated response if you’d just said, “ugh - what shall I write to Peter and Susan about being later on Tue?”

Bingo!

I am always wary of these posts, as they seldom give a balanced perspective. I wonder what your husband's say on this would be.

Medication for adhd can be really helpful. Ad will help if you are depressed but adhd specific medication helps with focus, getting things done and calms the inner chat.
I hope you and you DH can work things out. Sometimes it helps to explain (in a matter of fact way) what you find hard. And ask for help with it. In a moment of calm.

Op. I'm going to sound awful.

But you haven't actually got any diagnosis! You could just be making it up!

My partner of a decade has an issue that means he's always hurting himself. It's not his fault. I know that. But my GOD is it annoying to always have to be the person lifting things, carrying the heavy bags. Installing things. Etc. it makes you feel like a mule.

You don't even have a formal issue. You might be assuming. If you do get diagnosed he should support you but at the same time please recognise that it's very very hard being with someone with an illness whether mental or physical.

He's also a person. And you're draining hind

I do think having a condition turns some people into emotional vampires where they get used to their ‘needs’ taking precedence before anyone else’s, and everyone else is just seen as their ‘support humans’ there as a bottomless pit of help/sympathy.

He survives. Cracks his head on all the doors and cupboards he's left open. Doesn't eat. Drinks far too much alcohol. Lets insurance policies and phone contracts run for years without negotiation of prices. Lets letter pile up unopened. Doesn't answer important emails / texts. Used to live in a house with garden furniture rather than buy new. Had no curtains etc up, as it's "too cluttered" (boy did he have a shock to come about comfort and soft furnishings when we moved in together).

We were best friends for 20yrs before we got together, so none of the living situation stuff was a shock. The management of basic household correspondence wasn't one I expected though.

His diagnosis of dyslexia etc came in his late 30s. He'd always thought he was stupid because that's what he was told at school. His self esteem is low so he must accepted that reading was very hard and avoids it like the plague.

It sounds tough for both of you OP.

It's really difficult for anyone here to form a balanced opinion, as we don't know how this affects both of your lives.

@guineapugs just wanted to send some support, as I recently posted a similar sort of thread (I have anxiety, not ADHD) and got equally harsh responses and I know it can make for very upsetting reading. I'm trying to be really mindful now of not bringing anything MH related to my DH...but in reality, that's just leading to me stressing even more about what I can / can't talk to him about. I feel like a bottle of fizzy drink shaking up more and more at the moment. The tip you got from a poster on here was a good one, to still ask for help but phrase it in a way that doesn't mention MH at all. I'll be trying those sorts of tactics too, I guess. Like you - I'd really hoped that in a marriage, your partner would be an interested, supporting party in anything going on in your mind. But the responses on here are pretty unanimous, it seems we are the unreasonable, draining ones and have a responsibility to keep our issues to ourselves. Hugs.

I have severe depression at the moment and I think I’m probably an absolute nightmare to live with - not doing a lot, struggling to chat about normal stuff, lots of suicidal thoughts. My husband is a saint and super supportive - he’s doing vast majority of stuff for the house and kids, working while I’m off sick, hugging me when I’m really struggling even when it’s 3am. But he’s not always perfect and we’ve had a few arguments lately because it is really really hard on him too and I need to remember that. Marriage is a partnership, not one person caring for another and being expected to be perfect - that’s what professionals do, and they get to go home at the end of the day.

Maybe the OP is getting harsh responses because she has self-diagnosed herself.

It is very difficult to live with someone who has MH issues and neurodivergence. In an ideal world, partners would be supportive but it is very difficult and draining. Are you talking about adhd a lot? It sounds as if he just doesn't want to hear it as the reason for every difficulty.

But that’s an example of how it’s draining.

No one here said that the Ops husband should never be supportive. Simply that he can’t be expected to be perfect all the time. Especially since Op seems to have developed OCD and received a diagnosis and developed ADHD in the recent months. Op seems to believe it’s not impacted anyone before, so this is all very new for everyone.

But by claiming people are telling you to keep it to yourself, never mention mental health, you are engaging in the behaviours that are exhausting.

Thank you OddSocks.

You've all missed the fact that this is the first time I've ever brought up my MH to my DH. I hate talking about it. I don't burden him with my issues as I usually keep them to myself because I know he has no sympathy and doesn't even believe depression is a real condition for example.

He could see that I kept deleting and rewriting the text so I showed him what I'd put and asked what he thought and if could just write it for me to break the cycle I was stuck in.

When I recently posted a list of my 'quirks' on MN, loads of people posted back saying they had the same and it looked very much ADHD. Lots of things I thought was typical apparently isn't. For example, having multiple inner voices at the same time.

DH doesn't support me... doesn't enquire about the job interview I had. Doesn't comment on my new dress when I've made an effort to look nice, doesn't say anything about the dinner I've cooked, I've been coping with OCD alone and it's never mentioned although he will occasionally tell me I'm weird.

Yes I support him - panic attacks and stress from work.

I've mentioned it twice.

I've suffered with OCD since I was a teenager.

Can you not see how passive aggressive this comes across? Literally no one said you should never talk about it or keep it to yourselves. No one. They said that it’s hard being in the role of constant carer and that we are all human and sometimes the person without MH issues needs support too. To respond by saying Fine, I’ll just suffer in silence then is incredibly passive aggressive and not fair at all.

I know I'm not 'normal' so why shouldn't I try to work out how I can have a less stressful life? It's like my eyes have been opened and looking back over my past, I've always been told I'm quirky, weird or unique. It's starting to make sense. I thought everyone thinks like I do but apparently not. If medication helps calm my mind down then I'm going ahead with my appointment in January.