to worry that DH would have trouble connecting with donor child

[ConfusedFrog]

DH and I have recently found out we are unable to have children naturally due to DH infertility. We have started to think about alternative ways to have a family – and I am leaning towards using a sperm donor. DH has brought up adoption a few times, but I have looked into it fairly extensively and while I have huge respect for anyone who does chose to adopt, I don't think that it is necessarily the right choice for us. I have started to think about the possibility of using donor sperm - but haven't yet discussed this with DH as I'm not sure it's a path he would be interested in going down..

My worry is that DH will potentially struggle to connect with the child if it's not genetically 'his' – I really don't mean for this to offend anyone who has gone down this path, I just want to do what is right for us and any potential child and am looking to hear from others who have made or haven't made this choice.

If we did use a donor, I think it would be important to ensure that the child is aware of their origins from early on (so there are no 'surprises' that could be very upsetting later in life) – but this would mean that it would be a constant reminder to DH that the child wasn't his genetic child. I think this would be upsetting for him, especially as he is very private and doesn't want people knowing about his infertility issues (and I'm pretty sure that a child who we were open with about being a donor child would talk about this with their friends at school / family / family friends etc and it would be very much open knowledge – and I wouldn't really feel comfortable telling the child not to talk about it as I wouldn't want them to feel any 'shame' about where they came from). I also worry that DH would find it difficult if the child chose to contact the donor when they turned 18.

Has anyone else been down the donor sperm path and faced any of these difficulties? Am I completely unreasonable to think that these things could even be an issue?

I have relatives with MF infertility. They all dealt with it donor sperm in different ways. One cousin embraced it, enjoyed being able to ‘shop around’ for a donor that looked like him, and is the best father you can ever imagine. The others either insisted that donor eggs be used too so the child was not genetically related to either of them, or that their partner chose specific donors (eg other male relatives) and in some cases this inflexibility resulted in the breakdown of marriages.

I think before you approach him, think about what you want. Is having a genetically related (to you) child / one you gave birth to important? And would you be prepared to pursue ivf / icsi alone if your DH decided not to go ahead? These are some tough decisions. I personally asked myself these same questions (I was the one with the fertility problem but DH only wanted genetic babies) and hashed it all out with DH before we pursued ivf. It worked out for us but I was 100% prepared to do it alone with donor egg / sperm if needed.

My husband and I struggled with infertility and after multiple miscarriages/failed ivf to our shock and absolute delight we conceived naturally - I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant so this is all very recent. So while we are lucky to be in the position we are in now, we did have all the conversations that come with infertility. We actually discussed a sperm donor as our first preference over adoption, just because I had a strong longing to have my own genetic child and I also has the exact same worries you are having about your the potential issues that may arise from this. I expressed these concerns to my husband and he said something quite profound, which gave me a huge sense of comfort and relief.. he said to me that I'm the only person in the world he'd ever want to have children with, because he loves me and if that means doing it differently but getting to love a mini version of me, then that made him feel complete. He also said that genetics are only one part of the recipe to make a child, the other part is the love/care/guidance and memories you create with them that make them part of you, so getting to share every moment with the baby from his first breath is when the his imput begins and that's how he saw it. You have to have these real, raw conversations with your husband... he might surprise you, mine definitely did! Good luck x

I suggest you move this to the infertility board. Not everyone on aibu gets this topic and you might get some problematic answers

I would err on the side of caution to be very honest. A lot of people who have a donor biological parent don't know how many half siblings etc they could have which can cause real concerns and challenges when they go on to date others in adulthood etc. I know a lot of people do it and for lots it works out really well, but even knowing the origins could leave your future child with lots of questions that they might never get answers to. Just something to consider and I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.

Hmm.. I understood your concern up until you said dh would rather adoption so baby not related to either of you? Which comes across as ‘if I can’t have it, nobody can’. Not to mention depriving you the experience of pregnancy. There’s no reason hey you can’t be pregnant and have a genetic baby. So to deny you that life experience on that basis really wouldn’t be fair.

That being said, I understand your other concerns. However if your dh was able to reframe things in his mind they would disappear. He’s happy to adopt a child. Therefore those concerns you raised (child wanting to find bio family, child telling people not genetically related) would still be there. So that suggests that maybe your dh actually wouldn’t be bothered with those issues?

What would be the difference for DP to adoption than using a donor, neither child would biologically be his anyway? Speak to him, he may be on board. It's not like you (and/or the) child would have any type of relationship with the donor. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think your concerns are totally valid but they may be unfounded… or they may not be a deal breaker for your DH. I have no experience in this at all but I wish you all the very best with whatever you decide to do ❤️

I’m donor conceived but from my biological father is a blood relative of my ‘dad’. If it’s possible it does remove a lot of issues. I am still related to my cousins and my grandparents etc. I never experienced some of the negative feelings that I know some people do.

@Dancingdragonhiddentiger thank you for sharing – it's good to hear that you have had a positive experience! I did think about this, but unfortunately DH is not close to his family (which is small) so it isn't really an option for us.

@Unsureofitall I think the difference would be the constant reminder of "the issues" (as he sees it) with his body and that it would be something that would most likely be generally known by family and friends (as mentioned he is very private). While we have shared our infertility issues with a few family, we have been very general (and I think most people just assume fertility issues are generally female, which the more I look into it the more I realise is not the case!)

I would worry less about the impact on dh and more about the impact on the child; that rarely seems to be considered when it comes to donor eggs or sperm.

My best friend had a DS via donor as a single mother, so not the same as you, but my observation on her experience answers some of the questions raised here. Firstly the PP who raised the issue of having lots of half siblings - donors with proper fertility clinics are really tightly controlled, and limited in the number of families they can help. But extra donations may be allowed to provide a sibling within a family, and that is something that my friend did so she now has two DSs who are full brothers which I think will be important to them going forward (if you can think ahead that far!).
In terms of how you talk to the child, the clinic provided counselling which included this aspect - she has been open from the beginning but always refers to the donor as the donor (ie not the father or the daddy), and stresses what a lovely kind thing it was to do, so positive but without any confusion that he is a father figure of any sort. That might be a way you could talk to a future child - ie your DH would be Daddy, and the donor would be the donor, so very clear in the child’s mind. I’m sure the counsellor would have suggestions in your situation anyway - possibly about how your DH might feel as well as what to tell your potential child. Really good luck with it all.

@Muddlingthroughthis The thought of this did cross my mind... and I was wondering if his preference for adoption was to do with us 'both being in the same boat' rather than him feeling 'left out'. I honestly do really want the experience of being pregnant and having a baby... but I don't want to do it at the expense of the child's happiness if I don't think it's the right thing to do (if that makes sense). I'm finding this whole situation pretty confusing, upsetting, and deflating tbh. And because DH wants to keep it very private I don't really have anyone to speak to about it.

I think the other issue with donor sperm would be the openness around it (which I do believe is important) and that it would be a reminder of "the issues" (as he sees it) with his body and that it would be something that would most likely be generally known by family and friends (as mentioned he is very private). While we have shared our infertility issues with a few family, we have been very general (and I think most people just assume fertility issues are generally female, which the more I look into it the more I realise is not the case!)

Just reading this - yes, I do think given that you’d want to be open with a child, then you’d have to be open with family as well. It sounds as if it might be useful for him to talk a professional about it all?

@Shauna27 Congratulations, that's wonderful news for you and your DH. I know I have to have the conversation with my DH but I just don't think he will react the same way as your DH.. although he might surprise me!

@Beyondshit that is my primary concern - if there were going to be issues with how DH connected to the child, or he wanted to keep the fact that the child was conceived using donor sperm a secret then it's not something I would consider. Any potential child's needs and happiness have to come first. I desperately want to have a child, but not in a way that would have significant negative impact on the child.

@RunLolaRun102 Thanks for sharing this. DH isn't close with his family so that would definitely not be an option.. and tbh I know that he brushed the idea away at first but that was when we just found out and everything was very raw. I think I just need to have a proper conversation with him and find out how he feels about it now. And, I need to think about what I want. I do very much want to give birth to a child, but I don't think pursuing IVF / ICSI alone is something I would consider. The whole thing is just so overwhelming and ethically/morally complicated – and I want to do what is right for any potential child more than anything else..

@confusedfrog I wish you good luck. Have done two rounds of IVF myself this year. Would also like a child but not at any cost. And I don't think through surrogacy or donors... So much to think about but what I do know is that so much of what people do to get there is an overwhelming selfish drive with little regard for the life at the end of it. Good that you're considering everything. Sadly having a kid isn't a right and some of us just can't be parents. Good luck

@HenryHooverIsMyDH Thank you for sharing your friend's experience. We had the fertility testing done at a very good clinic who I know provide counselling (a friend has been through IVF with them previously and had only great things to say about the experience). I think we need to talk about it first and then perhaps talk to a professional (maybe together and separately) to work out what is the best way forward for us and, importantly, any future child.

@HenryHooverIsMyDH If you don't mind me asking, how old are your friend's children? And when did she start telling them? I know there are books that you can get that you read to the children just like any other book to introduce the idea early, which I think is good. Do your friend's children think it's interesting and talk about it a lot? Or is it just a fact that they don't really care about? I completely understand if you don't want to share any of these details!

@Beyondshit I'm sorry to hear of your experience 💐I'm really struggling with it at the moment tbh – and it's made more difficult any time anyone who hasn't experienced infertility struggles says 'just adopt' or 'just use a donor' as if it's the easiest decision in the world...

If he's only just found out then I think you need to go be him time to process his grief at not being able to have a biological child eg 6 months. He'll be in a malestrom of emotion right now and what he says/thinks might change (or it might not). You seem to be moving on to the next step rather than sitting with him.

Something to remind him of (in eg 6 months)is that adoption won't stop the intrusive questions. Also as you look into adoption he may well see the donor route as much more preferable.

@PicaK I know that we both need time to process... and in an ideal world we would just let things sit for 6-12 months before even beginning to have conversations. Unfortunately, if we want to go down the sperm donor route, we don't really have time on our side given my age (I'm 38 in a few months) – something that was emphasised by the fertility clinic where we had the testing. I hate being in this situation so much. I just want to do what's right - both for us and any potential child - but also don't want to end regretting not doing something in time..

I'd love to hear from people who have gone through the donor process and perhaps any challenges they have faced and how they have overcome these challenges?

Will you not feel resentful if you don’t ever experience carrying a child due to someone else’s pride?

You're focusing on dh a lot right now understandably. But I’m going to be gently blunt right now.

most marriages end in divorce regardless of fertility.
If you and your husband make it to your deathbeds still happily married you will be one of the few.

most women are left holding the baby when a split happens. Regardless of how you have a kid, you’ll likely be the primary carer and default parent. With a doner baby you’ll be left with your own kid regardless of whatever happens with your dh.

How will you feel if you and your dh split and you never got to experience pregnancy, birth and a genetic child for a man you’re not even with anymore? It’s the ultimate sacrifice for you. He’ll have always been in the same boat anyway.

You need to think realistically at your age OP.
Im not saying ignore your dh feelings but I’m saying think realistically about this. He won’t sacrifice his pride/ego for you so why sacrifice pregnancy and a birth child for him?

You need to meet in the middle with this but leaning more towards you and your wants/need as you’ll probably be the one left holding the baby if things ever go tits up.