to worry that DH would have trouble connecting with donor child

[ConfusedFrog]

DH and I have recently found out we are unable to have children naturally due to DH infertility. We have started to think about alternative ways to have a family – and I am leaning towards using a sperm donor. DH has brought up adoption a few times, but I have looked into it fairly extensively and while I have huge respect for anyone who does chose to adopt, I don't think that it is necessarily the right choice for us. I have started to think about the possibility of using donor sperm - but haven't yet discussed this with DH as I'm not sure it's a path he would be interested in going down..

My worry is that DH will potentially struggle to connect with the child if it's not genetically 'his' – I really don't mean for this to offend anyone who has gone down this path, I just want to do what is right for us and any potential child and am looking to hear from others who have made or haven't made this choice.

If we did use a donor, I think it would be important to ensure that the child is aware of their origins from early on (so there are no 'surprises' that could be very upsetting later in life) – but this would mean that it would be a constant reminder to DH that the child wasn't his genetic child. I think this would be upsetting for him, especially as he is very private and doesn't want people knowing about his infertility issues (and I'm pretty sure that a child who we were open with about being a donor child would talk about this with their friends at school / family / family friends etc and it would be very much open knowledge – and I wouldn't really feel comfortable telling the child not to talk about it as I wouldn't want them to feel any 'shame' about where they came from). I also worry that DH would find it difficult if the child chose to contact the donor when they turned 18.

Has anyone else been down the donor sperm path and faced any of these difficulties? Am I completely unreasonable to think that these things could even be an issue?

This has to be really difficult for both you and your husband. When I found out I was infertile, I could get my head around not having a baby far easier than I could deal with the feelings of inadequacy & that I wasn't enough for my partner if I coudon't reproduce.

I would be very surprised if isn't having some similar thoughts. He probably needs counselling to process his emotions.

I don't envy either of you. It's a very tough road.

The others either insisted that donor eggs be used too so the child was not genetically related to either of them

how selfish.

@ConfusedFrog I'm sorry you are going through this. We have spent years in various stages of fertility treatment but have luckily been successful at conceiving through ICSI.

I had assumed from earlier posts that this wasn't possible but if you are considering any kind of male infertility treatment and you are in the south-east (and can afford it) you should go to see Jonathan Ramsay who is the leading infertility urologist.

jonathanramsay.co.uk

He is really amazing. He saw us when we thought (incorrectly) that DH was infertile. He also saw us over zoom so you might be able to do most consultations remotely if you aren't near London. Fertility clinics generally know very little about male infertility so, depending who you saw, it's best not to take their word for it.

Also in terms of your age, yes 37 isn't young but it's also not that old in infertility terms so, unless your own fertility tests showed something alarming, yes you do have a couple of months to let this settle before you push forwards. I find it surprising how even a week or two can make a difference in accepting a diagnosis.

Best of luck x

@ConfusedFrog also I have a few friends with donor conceived children. It hasn't affected their bonding. The genetic element seems huge when you are conceiving but is a very minuscule part of being a parent - barely relevant really. Of course it is potentially relevant to the child so that is the area to consider, as I know you are. The donor conception network also have a FB page if you want to start there with your research. Xxx

DH and I were not able to have children, issues on both sides. We decided against any donor gametes and chose to live childfree. YANBU to consider a sperm donor, but your DH would also not be unreasonable to not want to. Just as YANBU to not want to consider adoption. He’s as entitled to want his own biological child as you are. You really need to discuss this with him.

@Janefx40 Thank you for sharing, and congratulations on conceiving - that's wonderful news. We are in the early stages of our journey. We have been told that DH has azoospermia, and due to some previous medical issues (which I won't go into detail about on here due to privacy) that there would be little chance of sperm retrieval. It is something I would still like to explore, but DH is not currently wanting to do this due to the very small chance of it being successful. This is something I am planning to talk to him about as I really want to explore all our options.. but I also have to respect that it is his body. It's a really difficult position to be in tbh. I have heard good things about Jonathan Ramsey, but unfortunately don't think it would be applicable in our situation (but will look into it to see, and perhaps call them to discuss so I have all the facts when talking to DH). That's lovely to hear that your friends haven't had any issues with bonding. Do you know if the children have had any qualms or misgivings about being donor children? Or is it just something that they are not too bothered about? Thank you also for sharing the Donor Conception Network – a few posters have recommended and I think I will reach out to them in the new year.x

@KimberleyClark I'm sorry to hear that you have also been through this. It's just all so confusing and confronting and deflating... and everyone has every right to feel the way they do, and I know there's not going to be some kind of magic solution that just removes all the hurt and makes it okay for everyone... it's just really hard.

@confusedfrog I'm mum to a 9 in month old donor egg baby, it's different because I carried my baby and it does help build a connection that way, but I can honestly say she feels completely like my baby and I adore her. I say she's the baby I wasn't meant to have because who would have thought she would come to be. What a miracle the twists and turns of life have been.

I would also recommend the donor conception network (membership is about £50 a year) they do a lot of peer to peer support so match you up with a family of a similar profile who can answer questions and give peer support on how they found a situation (in my case egg donation and a mixed family as I already have an own egg daughter). I'm not sure what support they offer without paid membership (they are a charity) so just wanted to mention that.

It might also be checking adoption to eliminate it as an option. If you want to carry a baby you need to be honest with your DH about that as it will cause resentment and it will fester. I know personally, it was highly unlikely I'd be allowed to adopt due to issues in my wider family, as rightly the threshold for adoption is incredibly high.

Another option is double donor/embryo adoption (we donated our leftover embryos) but if I'm honest I don't think not having a genetic link with either parent just to prove a point about pride/ equality is the right way to go. The potential children created need to be front and centre of your thinking.

Best of luck to you xx

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles op. Infertility is such a heartbreaking thing to experience.

I have four year old donor egg twins. The infertility was on my side due to premature ovarian failure. I can honestly say that it makes so difference to how I feel about my DC. I love them more than anything.

As it happens, my husband (bio dad) left when they were 15 months old. Which I suppose proves the point that you can worry about your partners feelings all you want but dont sacrafice your deepest desires for them.

I would urge you not to risk losing your chance of becoming a mum. No man is worth the sacrafice.

@NotMyDayJob Makes a far more eloquent post than mine. Agree with everything they say.

If you go down the donor route, would it help your DH if his semen were mixed with the donor's?

On the other hand, it's the husband who has the problem of infertility, so I think it's unfair for him to deny his wife the experience of having her own biological child because of his problems.
"I can't have one, so you can't have too" is not a very loving attitude, is it?

He’s as entitled to want his own biological child as you are.

He's entitled to want it, but if he can't produce one, then what exactly he's entitled to?

Would you say the same about a wife who didn't want to use a donor egg - that she was selfish for denying her husband the chance of a biological child?

@KimberleyClark That's hardly the same thing is it? The man in that situation would be free to go and find a woman who was able to have children.

It IS selfish to deny somebody their own biological child because you are not able to have one with them.

Respectfully, it's completely different.

Saying no I guess and not having dc, but it won’t bring a biological child

Hard one op. You can’t pressure your dh. If he doesn’t want to then you’ll have to reassess what next for you.

Maybe join a network and talk about whether it’s right for you

It depends on the op’s dh but I agree with this

Yes I definitely recommend DCN as a starting point - they're very friendly and can even pair you up with someone to talk things through.

We would have liked a UK donor as it makes it easier for the child should they ever want to meet him in future, but there is a shortage at the moment. The UK banks we looked at also tended to have much less detail available about the donors than Denmark/ USA, so we ended up going with a donor from overseas. We decided that for us it was important to know as much as possible about him including photos etc, whereas some people prefer anonymity. The treatment is in the UK though - they just ship it over.

It is really hard. There's no denying that.

But I can honestly say, now that we have tried a few times and come through the process a bit further, there is very much a genuine excitement about the idea of potential pregnancy and having a child. We have come pass the most difficult bit, I think, which was coming to terms with it (especially my DH coming to terms with it).

My DH has had to 'grieve' the loss of his genetic child - those were his words. When I do get pregnant, the child will be his, he will be over the moon and he/she will be so very loved. But the child we have from a donor not be the same child as the one we would have had together bioloically. That has been hard to get our heads around, and especially for him, he's had to 'let go' of that idea of the biological child to make space for the child we're going to have. But he has come through it, and I know now that when I get pregnant there will be nothing but happiness.

The hardest bit is starting out when everything feels overwhelming and you are coming to terms with it. Once you come past the initial hurdles, things do get easier. I hope you will eventually feel excitement and at peace with it. It does get better.

My worry is that DH will potentially struggle to connect with the child if it's not genetically 'his'

Then he'd feel the same about an adopted child as he would about a sperm donor's child. Adopted children also know their background , that they had other birth parents, its not kept secret .

I am currently in the same situation. The only difference is that I already talked with him about me wanting to use a donor but he really didn’t took the well.

I’m now in the dark about what’s gonna happen, because he is mourning and processing this but I time is not on my side either.
I’m afraid to bring the donor subject up, because he got really mad in the past but I still want to form a family with him.

@Mumpls I'm so sorry to hear that. I think you really need to bring it up again, even though it is obviously a very difficult subject for him. You can't put your own needs on hold indefinitely, you will end up feeling resentful. He is struggling to come to terms with it and that's understandable but it's not fair of him to just leave you hanging with uncertainty x

I have donor-conceived toddler twins.

When I discovered I was infertile, I had no mourning of my own eggs, I was just delighted that the option of donor eggs existed. It gave me such hope of having a child.

Before I had my twins, I had two donor-IVF miscarriages. When I lost those babies, they felt 100% "mine", so I had no worries about bonding.

Before starting the process, I also had a lot of worries - "what if I don't bond" / "how do I tell the children" / "what will relatives and neighbours think" / "what if the children resent me", etc. But then I realised the important thing for me was to focus on bringing a live child home, and everything else will sort itself out. I think there can be a danger of over-analysing it.

I tell my children their story all the time. They know about the kind donor, and I've books from the Donor Conception Network. I created a detailed photo book of the pregnancy - including the donor profile, the hospitals where I had treatment, a photo of the twins as blastocysts, all their scans etc.

Good luck!

That’s lovely, love the blastocyst photo idea