to worry that DH would have trouble connecting with donor child

[ConfusedFrog]

DH and I have recently found out we are unable to have children naturally due to DH infertility. We have started to think about alternative ways to have a family – and I am leaning towards using a sperm donor. DH has brought up adoption a few times, but I have looked into it fairly extensively and while I have huge respect for anyone who does chose to adopt, I don't think that it is necessarily the right choice for us. I have started to think about the possibility of using donor sperm - but haven't yet discussed this with DH as I'm not sure it's a path he would be interested in going down..

My worry is that DH will potentially struggle to connect with the child if it's not genetically 'his' – I really don't mean for this to offend anyone who has gone down this path, I just want to do what is right for us and any potential child and am looking to hear from others who have made or haven't made this choice.

If we did use a donor, I think it would be important to ensure that the child is aware of their origins from early on (so there are no 'surprises' that could be very upsetting later in life) – but this would mean that it would be a constant reminder to DH that the child wasn't his genetic child. I think this would be upsetting for him, especially as he is very private and doesn't want people knowing about his infertility issues (and I'm pretty sure that a child who we were open with about being a donor child would talk about this with their friends at school / family / family friends etc and it would be very much open knowledge – and I wouldn't really feel comfortable telling the child not to talk about it as I wouldn't want them to feel any 'shame' about where they came from). I also worry that DH would find it difficult if the child chose to contact the donor when they turned 18.

Has anyone else been down the donor sperm path and faced any of these difficulties? Am I completely unreasonable to think that these things could even be an issue?

Donor 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

One of my close male friends was infertile. He and his wife agreed to sperm donation and researched the donor and tried to match with the DH. They had twins and are very happy. Never had any issues and he is a very involved father - good luck with it all. I would suggest you have couples counselling beforehand so your both agreed on next steps

most marriages end in divorce regardless of fertility. no they really don’t.

OP, I don’t agree with donation because I think that far too little thought is given to the resulting children, and there are whole groups etc dedicated to the children born of donor conception and the issues they face in terms of feeling a part of their identity is missing.

However, in terms of people saying that it’s the same as adoption if your DH isn’t biologically related to the child, if you think about the issues faced by a donor child and how that will then feed back to your dh.

So to start with you are going to be bonding with this child because you are carrying the baby. The child is going to forever grow up knowing that you are its mother but your DH is not its father.

And when the child grows up and wishes to seek its biological heritage that isn’t going to affect you in any way, because you are its biological heritage, however the message it gives to your dh is that it wants to know who its real father is.

Does your husband fully realise what is involved in adopting? It's really quite an intrusive and long drawn-out process because social workers are rightly very cautious about who they place children with, particularly given that those children are likely to be already damaged by past experiences. You need to be pretty determined to be able to go through with it all.

For what it's worth, my SIL had a child via a donor. Her daugher is very close to BIL and, at age 29 now, has never shown any interest in tracing the donor. I now it's only one example, but it does demonstrate that this can work very well.

I can understand from your husbands point of view why he would feel worse if it were a doner. It would mean that you are biologically related to the child while he isn't, and that would cause a gap between the two of you, both in the eyes of the child and in his eyes. With adoption, you would be in the same boat.

I would favour using a donor over adoption - this way your child would have a healthy pregnancy and calm and loving start in life. I know several families who have used donors for various reasons, and it has gone really well in all cases.

Adoption comes with endless problems, both in terms of the process, the background of children being adopted, health issues (sometimes not disclosed). I really think it is best suited to parents who already have their own children and are coming to adoption without that need for a child.

DH and we're in this exact situation 22 years ago. Eventually I persuaded him to go to a clinic and start the process for donor conception. He was not keen. The first thing the clinic did was schedule a counselling session. It was very useful and after that I knew that donor sperm donor wasn't for me either. There were lots of reasons in the end but the main one was I felt it would possibly be difficult for our potential child to understand and also that the world would end up knowing that DH was infertile which was obviously very difficult for him.
Rightly or wrongly there is an element of shame /lack of manliness associated with MFI that doesn't exist as much with female.

We did go ahead and adopt our 2 children which has been wonderful of course but a very different experience than having birth children.

BTW I'm now 52 so my child bearing years are passed and I used to worry that I would regret never having born a child but I really don't. I'm a mother in every other way and my children have healed the loss we experienced in Infertility. That pain is all in the past.

My son is the product of donor sperm and my wife’s egg. I’m not genetically related to him at all, although I did carry him.

From my point of view, honestly, biology is so unimportant. Being a parent isn’t about genetics. I’ve never seen him as anything other than ours, and the entire extended family are the same.

we are open with him, he doesn’t see it as a big deal, I’m not sure what he talks about with his friends but they have never mentioned it to us. He is 8.

I can’t read in your posts why you have not considered icsi - they only need one good sperm and crack open an egg and put the sperm in so conception can continue. We had our twins this way.

Actually crack open is a bit informal - inject the sperm into the egg so it doesn’t have to try and get in. The ivf clinics can also do surgery to find suitable sperm inside an infertile man’s testicles.

I understand and support your idea of being open with the child but realistically how old is a child when you start discussing sperm and eggs and fertilisation? 5 I’d say at least and probably older before the child might think to discuss it outside the family. By then your dh would hopefully be totally bonded with his child and not feel so raw about his infertility.

I know a few ivf babies through my antenatal group and maternity leave friends and I’d never ask them if they used their own eggs or sperm! I don’t think it’s a secret as such but I also don’t think it’s something you and dh need to be discussing in public.

If you're on Facebook look up the group IVF Support UK. Message me if you need help finding it. Lots of people on there have been through similar issues and could share their stories.

I think with donated speed your dh may always have the feeling of the child being yours and not his. This may become hard when making life decisions for the child or in the event you may ever split up. Adoption you are both in the same position. However your need to experience birthing your own child is totally valid just a difficult situation all round. I have had 6 ivf with Icsi and am now mum to one bio child and we went on to adopt our second child. Both routes were incredibly tough but so worth it. I would say re adoption the fact your dh is not close to him family would be something the adoption services would want to really look at the reasons why. It’s extremely invasive process. I wish you luck with whatever route you choose

It's such a tough topic and because you have posted it very much comes from your stance on things. You don't both seem on the same page which would make things very difficult going forward. He would adopt but you wouldn't. Why (I'm not expecting you to say why on the thread but to consider why you feel that way)? If it's because the child wouldn't be genetically yours then you should be able to understand his stance surely? Would using donor eggs and sperm be an option and then you carry the foetus? That way you could still experience a pregnancy (I don't know if that I even an option)? Would you be willing to go it alone? Would you give up your relationship for a hypothetical child?

There is just so much to consider. I'd honestly sit down and ask yourself some tough questions about what is negotiable for you and what isn't. Once you've figured that out I'd have an conversation with your dh and see where that gets you. Best of luck op.

Your DH should have some meaningful counselling to help him deal with his grief over his over infertility, before you make any decisions at all.

I have a daughter who is not biologically related to me, she is the product of my DW and a donor. I could not love her more. I had some of the fears you talked about but honestly once she was born it was a none issue, and she is as happy with me as my wife. In reality connection is largely about how you care for your child and spend time with them. But to be a good dad he will need to process his grief and fears before any baby is conceived/adopted.

Of course our daughter will always know she was born using a donor, so the questions about honesty and openness are different for us. But she will know who her donor is, and at 18 she can contact him. I’m fine with that. She’s a gift that wouldn’t exist without him.

Wishing you all the very best.

I know that it's incredibly easy to say, but I wouldn't have gone for sperm doantion if we hadn't been able to have children. I would have wanted it to be both of ours and I think it would have shifted the dynamic too much. I might have adopted if that was possible, but who knows.

That is easier to say with all the stress of having had children for over 30 years, much as I love them.

I should add that I wanted to conceive and carry a baby myself, I’ve had three miscarriages and five failed rounds of IVF. So I have been through the grief too. Took me two years. My daughter is still mine and still perfect to me, although not biologically mine.

@ittakes2 unfortunately this isn’t an option for us due to the nature of the fertility issues - our only option to conceive would be to use donor sperm, which unfortunately complicates things greatly..

@Sceptre86 i think he has mentioned adoption without really looking into the realities of it - whereas I have spent quite a lot of time researching it.. it’s not the fact that the child wouldn’t be genetically mine that makes me hesitant, but more the realities of likely adopting an older child who has likely experienced a traumatic start to life - I’m not sure that is the right path for us (but I do have huge respect for anyone who does take this on). This is also why I’m questioning whether the donor route is right too - I don’t want to go down a path that could potentially be harmful to the child (for whatever reason, including my DH not feeling connected to them..) I guess that these would be the same questions around using a donor egg and donor sperm - this isn’t something I have looked into (although it does feel odd to consider using a donor egg when we have viable eggs?) It’s all just so complicated. I think you’re right that I need to actually work out what I want - and then if I am still thinking it is a route I might want to pursue I need to talk to DH and get his thoughts… then I think that we need to take the advice of the people who have suggested we get some counselling sessions with someone experienced in this area.. It all just feels so difficult at the moment (especially as my sister has recently given birth to her fourth child and we are staying with them over Christmas, which I’m not sure was the best idea given how raw all this is)

Ultimately, what people on here say about their experiences is irrelevant. You need to have the conversation with your DH now, and take it from there. I firmly believe that whether its adoption, natural conception or donor egg / sperm , both ‘parents’ need to be fully committed to it.
If one parent agrees in order to make the other parent feel better, thats a recipe for disaster.
If you did conceive via a sperm donor, then subsequently split up, how would you honestly feel if your DH insisted on 50/50 shared care, or even took you to court for him having a greater % of shared care? These are scenarios you should explore. I know people who have seen a couples counsellor to work through their thoughts on this issue.

I'm a sperm donor baby who didn't know until later in life (from an earlier generation before rules and ethos around it changed), so while that was a surprise, there were no issues from my POV and my dad is still 100% my dad and I feel very protective of him, never wanting him to feel any 'less' because of it. And he must have that insecurity, because he never wants the wider family to know, and I understand that. It's not so much about his manhood though so I wouldn't reduce it to that. It's about him not wanting people to think we're 'not his' - that he wants that connection to be felt and known, rather than ownership per se. That makes sense to me. Pride in that sense is not a bad thing, is it? We feel pride in our children on a primal level, especially when we first become parents.

He never had any trouble connecting with me or my sibling (also donor sperm) that I'm aware of so if he had any issues, he hid it well. Mostly I'm in awe of all that my parents went through to have us.

Obviously it'd be different for your DH as the DC would have to be told and for it to be a known thing, but beyond that, there is so much more to being the dad. If he really can't deal with it though, it'd better than he's honest now and you consider your options.

Am I completely unreasonable to think these things could even be an issue?

Of course it could be an issue! I am sorry but your wording is about as insensitive as sitting with your four children and replying “have you thought about adoption” to somebody having trouble conceiving

DH and I could not have children. We don’t truthfully know exactly why, tests revealed some issues for both of us. Using donor sperm or eggs would have been a huge “issue” as in a huge decision with huge consequences. I honestly don’t think it is something that either of us would have been able to deal with as the non biological parent and I cannot imagine carrying a child that was not biologically my husbands (or possibly not mine). I am not suggesting that others would not think differently because obviously some people do use donor, but I can’t get over that you think somebody might think you unreasonable to think it could even be an issue. It is huge.

@Aprilx I'm sorry if I offended you – I honestly didn't mean to. I haven't known anyone (that I know of) to use donor sperm / eggs and so am just looking for honest insights into what is involved and whether these are issues that people have experienced having gone through the process (or chosen not to go through the process). From the responses here, it seems to be quite mixed – some people feel that these are issues that are insurmountable, while others seem to have had very positive experiences (both donor children and parents). I guess, like anything in life, that it is completely dependent of the people involved and the circumstances. I'm just trying to work out whether this is the right route for DH and myself.

A friend of mine did this.

They are a lovely couple who after 5 years of trying, were investigated and found that the man had total absence of sperm, which was later investigated and he was found to have Kleinfelter's Syndrome. A real shock, obviously.

They went through the NHS fertility service and were provided with donor sperm (I think they used a top up payment to buy multiple samples from the same man with the intention of storing so that future children would have the same father, same genetic background, look similar and I guess, have some sense of solidarity with it all?). First child was simply born through artificial insemination, but they needed full IVF with the second child as the AI was unsuccessful.

I think it is hard on men in this situation. As you would expect there is grieving, anger, adjustment etc to be made. But I would say that you cannot allow his immediate reactions, issues and difficulties adjusting drive your decision making. Marriage is long and hard (especially with fertility issues) and this could cause future resentment. IMO, the benefit of you going through a pregnancy together (rather than adopting) is that he also gets to experience the pregnancy as a bonding experience, developing his link to the baby. He may not understand this now (men tend not to think much about how pregnancy will affect them) but most men do find that the developing and growing pregnancy in their partner starts to prepare them for their paternal role. And being the one who supports the pregnancy, who is present for the birth, solidifies the role as Dad over any genetic donor.

Trying to get donor eggs increases the complexity and risks -why would you make it more complicated? Adoption is certainly not straight-forward.

I think you need to give him a bit of time but then have a realistic discussion about what your individual priorities are here-
having children?
you having a pregnancy?
knowing the genetic background? (of you and a donor, of two donors?)
cost?
risks?

NHS donor insemination is likely your simplest and lowest risk option here, as well as lowest cost.

My friend's husband did great BTW. Involved in everything through the pregnancy and a very hands on Dad who doesn't feel that he is anything other than their Dad. They have also taken the approach of open discussion from the start. It might be helpful to know that a lot of children's books on how babies come to be openly recognise the variety of family origins and make explanation easy. They are all -what makes a baby? egg + sperm + uterus...rather than "your mummy and daddy" separating the idea of your biological origins slightly from who your parents are so that the explanations make sense for everyone.

www.amazon.co.uk/What-Makes-Baby-Cory-Silverberg/dp/1609804856/ref=sr_1_1?crid=36FG70FFXZL3N&keywords=what+makes+a+baby&qid=1671283690&sprefix=what+makes+a+baby%2Caps%2C108&sr=8-1