to worry that DH would have trouble connecting with donor child

[ConfusedFrog]

DH and I have recently found out we are unable to have children naturally due to DH infertility. We have started to think about alternative ways to have a family – and I am leaning towards using a sperm donor. DH has brought up adoption a few times, but I have looked into it fairly extensively and while I have huge respect for anyone who does chose to adopt, I don't think that it is necessarily the right choice for us. I have started to think about the possibility of using donor sperm - but haven't yet discussed this with DH as I'm not sure it's a path he would be interested in going down..

My worry is that DH will potentially struggle to connect with the child if it's not genetically 'his' – I really don't mean for this to offend anyone who has gone down this path, I just want to do what is right for us and any potential child and am looking to hear from others who have made or haven't made this choice.

If we did use a donor, I think it would be important to ensure that the child is aware of their origins from early on (so there are no 'surprises' that could be very upsetting later in life) – but this would mean that it would be a constant reminder to DH that the child wasn't his genetic child. I think this would be upsetting for him, especially as he is very private and doesn't want people knowing about his infertility issues (and I'm pretty sure that a child who we were open with about being a donor child would talk about this with their friends at school / family / family friends etc and it would be very much open knowledge – and I wouldn't really feel comfortable telling the child not to talk about it as I wouldn't want them to feel any 'shame' about where they came from). I also worry that DH would find it difficult if the child chose to contact the donor when they turned 18.

Has anyone else been down the donor sperm path and faced any of these difficulties? Am I completely unreasonable to think that these things could even be an issue?

@Pinkdelight3 Thanks so much for sharing your story as a donor child. I'm so glad to hear that you seem to have a wonderful relationship with your dad. I think I just need to have a really honest conversation with DH and get his thoughts on where he stands on it now as the last time it was mentioned was just after we found out about the infertility and everything was very raw. May I ask if you wish that you had have known growing up? Or are you happy that it wasn't shared until you were older? (Of course, only share if you feel comfortable!) I feel quite strongly about being open with a potential child as soon as is reasonable/possible, but have obviously not gone through this so am interested in the point of view of someone who has!

From the sounds of it, what he is actually struggling with is the idea of you having a child by another man. Even a donor that you've never met. The thought that he couldn't give you a child so you've had one with another man. Which is understandable, really, I think I'd struggle with that in his place as well. Some counselling might help, to unpack his feelings around it all.

If the fact that only he is not related biologically is the issue, could a donor embryo be the way forward?

That way you get to experience pregnancy, birth etc, you both get to experience baby/child rearing but might remove the shame element for your DH.

Just to say, I think you sound lovely and you’re definitely not selfishly rushing into this, you are rightly considering all the implications for your DH and your potential future DC.

Regarding the DC, of course they should know their genetic heritage and have the option to contact the donor as an adult, and to talk freely about their origins if they so choose.

Regarding your DH, I understand his insecurity. However, as a pp said, if he wants to adopt solely because he doesn’t want you to be a biological parent if he can’t, that is selfish. Perhaps it might be different if he genuinely had ethical concerns.

Lots of talking and perhaps targeted counselling may help him to decide if a donor is something he can accept and have no reservations about supporting you and whatever DC may come.

@Bigdamnheroes I think this is it... and I can completely understand where he is coming from and don't want him to feel like he 'has to' make the decision to use donor sperm for me – that wouldn't be fair on either him or a potential child (beyond any of the other concerns I have..) I'm just so sad, as I don't think we really have any other options and I don't want to end up resenting him for anything. I have no idea what the solution is - it just feels like everything is broken and there's no way that no one gets hurt.

Most marriages don't end in divorce. 42% did in 2021, and the rate is dropping.

www.harbourfamilylaw.co.uk/how-many-marriages-end-in-divorce-in-the-uk/

No real advice but just to say I think it's lovely you're thinking about your future child's feelings and those of your husband.

I have been lucky with fertility but if it came to it, I would not have hesitated to use a donor egg or sperm if carrying the baby was something I wanted to do.

With using a donor and carrying the baby yourself, there is no trauma from separation (as in adoption or surrogacy).

Also to be considered in your conversations with your husband is nature / nurture. Yes, genetically the child has different DNA to him. But it is his child. He is the father. How he parents the child has a huge effect on the child's security, happiness and the adult the child will become.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your journey.

May I ask if you wish that you had have known growing up? Or are you happy that it wasn't shared until you were older? (Of course, only share if you feel comfortable!) I feel quite strongly about being open with a potential child as soon as is reasonable/possible, but have obviously not gone through this so am interested in the point of view of someone who has!

I was happy it wasn't shared, but I know that's not the approach now so can't advise it. The ethos back then was very different - my DM said the doctors told them that after the procedure, they should go home and make love to make it feel as though it was them making the baby. Which may be TMI, sorry, but I can absolutely see the wisdom in that and carrying that idea through.

I liked that my identity was pretty much fully formed when I found out as I think in the throes of any standard adolescent identity crisis it could have exacerbated things and I might have said something or acted in a way I'd later regret, if it had hurt his feelings. This way, I never questioned anything and when they finally told me (because I was having DC and I think they felt bad about me not knowing my full medical history), it was just an interesting fact that made sense of a few things (I'm very unlike my DBro in personality and looks) but my main feeling was gratitude and protectiveness to him. It must have been really hard in some ways, but for him to get past that and still love me unconditionally means a lot. I've never wanted to find my biological father and am just glad whoever it was made it possible for my parents to have me.

It sounds like your DH's reaction could well be linked to how soon it was from finding out and not really understanding the implications of adoption vs donor. With time and research and a lot of talking, he could come around to the idea. It won't be easy but then having DC rarely is and communication is everything. Don't let the raw emotions and fears drive this. Take your time to make the right choice together.

A friend was conceived user donorsperm and she knew from a child, she absolutely hates the fact. She feels like she’s ‘half missing’ despite having two devoted parents and is devastated her donor isn’t on the register.

i would weigh up the consequences as it can make the child feel like something is missing their whole life.

she said she’d have preferred her mum to have had a one night stand as at least she’d know something about her bio dad

I’m pretty sure that in the UK you now HAVE to have a non anonymous donor. And all donor children are now able to access identifying information about their donor at age 18.

I have a donor child and this was really important to me. We have made a birth book with all of the information we have, including baby photos, quiz, personality test, family tree, health profile, letter, even voice clip

My DH is also infertile and we chose adoption. To be fair, I chose it, he would have gone along with whatever I had wanted. He has been an excellent father to adopted DS. Honestly he has been phenomenal. DS has not given us an easy ride, as would be expected.

@antipodeancanary thank you for sharing. May I ask if you considered donation? And what your thinking was behind choosing to go down the adoption route? (of course, only if you are comfortable sharing!)

@MMoon23 From what I've researched, this is the case in the UK – and also something that I do kind of feel is important. Can I ask how much interest your DD shows in the fact she is a donor child? Is it something she shows a lot of interest in and asks a lot of questions about? Or is it just a fact of life that she doesn't really care about? Has she ever expressed an interest in meeting her donor when she is older?

@Gymandcakes Thank you for sharing your friend's experience. From what I've researched all UK donation has to be open donation (ie. the child knows about it and they are able to contact the donor when they turn 18) now – but this sense of 'missing out' on something is one issue I am concerned about..

Hi OP. I'm in the same boat as you, a little further on, we have chosen a donor and had a few tries (not yet successful).

It will be a journey for your husband and it's completely natural that he doesn't feel OK with it straight away. Have you heard of Donor Conception Network? We joined and went along to one of their events, which was really helpful. We were actually able to meet other people in real life who had used donor sperm or were considering it, and that really helped my DH (he was dubious at first and we almost didn't go, but were so glad we did).

He needs to handle this in his own way and his own time and all you can really do is be sensitive and keep talking. Hopefully he can come to terms with it. The 'connection' issue is a worry for us as well, but from what I have heard talking to others with donor conceived children, once the man has been there through the entire pregnancy and the chiild is born, he feels a lot more like 'dad' and there is no one else filling that position.

Dad is the one who is there as the child grows up, changes the dirty nappies, helps them ride their bike, tears up on their first day of school etc. Your husband will be all of those things for the child - he will be their Dad!

Choosing the donor can also be a good experience because your husband can have a lot of control over that. My DH found it helpful looking at their personality types and matching it to his own, finding one that he found a good connection with. I found it helpful to let go of some control over that as I'm already contributing my genetic material - so definitely let your DH have a big say in the choice of donor.

Anyway this is getting quite long but I definitely recommend donor conception network, and wish you all the best with this, it's not a journey anyone really wants to be on but you will muddle through. Good luck x

Hi @ConfusedFrog

We struggled with infertility (azoospermia - so a zero count) but we were able to see the right consultant, and so we ended up with our two babies (without IVF in the end). I can’t answer questions about donor sperm, although conversations about donor sperm popped up a lot over the years.

I did want to share a couple of big things that made a difference for my DH, I hope that’s okay? One was having access to male infertility support group on Facebook. He wishes we’d taken up counselling at the time now too, although our communication is stronger than it has ever been.

Another was seeing the consultant we did made a world of difference too, because he had so many answers unlike the pathway we’d followed on the NHS.

Yes, Donor ID is compulsory in the UK. This is a good thing. I know it's hard to imagine your child turning 18 and wanting to connect with the donor, but that is something that we have to come to terms with for the sake of the child. It is the best way and it's so much healthier than secrecy. And by the time your child is 18, you will be such a well established family unit, the donor is not going to be any kind of threat to your position as parents. It will be OK x

This.

I know this isn't what you asked, but have your doctors considered sperm retrieval techniques? I am azoospermic, and yet thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, I have one biological child, and DW is currently pregnant with our second.

@ConfusedFrog Sorry for third post, I just saw you talking about double donation and wanted to add a few thoughts on that.

From the child's perspective, double donation is going to be more difficult, because they will not be biologically connected to either of their parents. I think it can lead to a sense of isolation and knowing very little about their biological heritage. It is good that it's there as an option for people who need it, but in your position, you have viable eggs, so please think very carefully about this.

We had the same issue (the 'unfairness' of a child being biologically related to me but not my DH), but double donation is a huge step just to get rid of this feeling of imbalance.

The child needs to be as much as possible at the centre of this. I say as much as possible because I believe having children is inherently a selfish act (doesn't stop us all from wanting/ needing to do it!). Deciding to have a child with no connection at all to its parents when there is a chance they could be connected to one of them just seems really sad, especially when it is only to save the feelings of the father.

Your DH's feelings are important, of course , but I feel this is something he could come to terms with over time and maybe with some therapy, talking to some donor dads etc.

@FlattenedAsAPancccake Thank you for sharing your journey. This is a very similar situation to what we are in. It sounds like you were able to conceive without the use of a donor though? I didn't think we had any other options – are you able to share a bit more about how you moved forward?

@Organzo Thank you for replying and sharing your experience – that's great that you have decided to move forward, and I wish you all the best with your journey. I haven't looked into the donor conception network, but this sounds like a potential next step if it is something DH is maybe interested in after we speak. I definitely agree about the double donation – it was just something another poster mentioned that I hadn't even considered. Did you choose your donor from the UK or did you go overseas? I know that a lot of UK parents choose to go overseas but I haven't looked into it enough to know the pros / cons / or even reasons why yet!

@verystablegenius This is something I'm hoping to look into as we are in the same situation – although we've been told it's very unlikely that it will be successful due to the causes of it, which means it's something DH is not very keen to explore.. I'm hoping that with time though we can look at this as I feel like we need to know for sure in order to consider our options properly (and if it were me in his situation I wouldn't hesitate to explore all options..) I'm so glad to hear that it was successful for you and your DW – that's so wonderful.

I do have a relative and who was infertile so his wife left him. He is my nephew, he had a bit of a breakdown but is happily remarried and his new wife didn’t want children. His ex now has two children. I think it’s the sort of discussion to have on and off over a period of months.

What you also need to remember is you have spent some time thinking about it and have now couched opinions. He will need plenty of time to give his initial thoughts. It’s quite an overwhelming question isn’t it. Very complicated.

@MardyMincepie That's so difficult on your nephew, but it sounds like everyone is in a better place now which is good. I did speak to a therapist who brought up this idea - but I do truly love DH and don't want to leave. I'm also soon to be 38, and absolutely hate the idea of breaking up a relationship that is otherwise fine and then rushing into another relationship with little thought just to have DC 'in time'... I don't see that ending well for anyone - especially DC. But I also don't want to end up resenting DH in time because we don't have children of our own. It's an absolutely awful situation that I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's really breaking me.