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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be angry with dh

91 replies

Fantafilledfuckers · 16/12/2022 11:18

5 kids. I do school prep and run 99% of time. DH on rare day off so I asked him to bring them. 5 mins after they should have left, I’m frantically trying to get them all out and he tells me to calm down and that my shouting isn’t helping the situation. I don’t think I was shouting but I was definitely being urgent as they were late. He comes home, tells me again that shouting doesn’t motivate the kids to leave on time. Fair enough. When they’re late and not moving it’s often what I resort to. My bad.
He then tells me that he’ll take kids to school on Monday while I stay in bed to show me it can be done without shouting. I told him he was being very arrogant and haven’t spoken to him since.

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 16/12/2022 11:21

YABU. Being stressed, “urgent” and shouting doesn’t help. It’s not going to motivate them and all it does is show them you’re out of control and teaches them verbal abuse is an acceptable behaviour.

It isn’t.

JauntyJinty · 16/12/2022 11:22

I can see why it's annoyed you, but he's handed you the perfect revenge!

Just enjoy your lay in on Monday and let him crack on and see how hard it is! If you usually prep the night before I'd leave that part and let him struggle - usually I'd worry about the kids being late but last day before Christmas I doubt they'll be doing much anyway

carefulcalculator · 16/12/2022 11:24

I had three thoughts:

1 - he is right that shouting doesn't help
2 - you have FIVE kids, that is a lot of work
3 - he doesn't have to do this very often

Maybe you need a proper chat about sharing the load and finding some non-shouty ways to get through to the kids.

I think you should go and chat with him sensibly.

Cherrysherbet · 16/12/2022 11:26

He’s right. No need to shout. Not a great way for your kids to start their day either.

endofthelinefinally · 16/12/2022 11:28

You should have left him to it today. As pp have suggested, leave him to it on Monday. Stay in bed and close the door.

NaturalBae · 16/12/2022 11:28

JauntyJinty · 16/12/2022 11:22

I can see why it's annoyed you, but he's handed you the perfect revenge!

Just enjoy your lay in on Monday and let him crack on and see how hard it is! If you usually prep the night before I'd leave that part and let him struggle - usually I'd worry about the kids being late but last day before Christmas I doubt they'll be doing much anyway

I agree.

Also, let him do all the school prep Sunday night/Monday morning.
And pretend to be asleep if he or the kids try to wake you up asking questions and/or for help on Monday morning.

GerbilsForever24 · 16/12/2022 11:29

I think you should take him up on this. In my experience, if DH has to sort kids alone, he does a fairly good job. But if I'm around, it's like he forgets everything and so unless i do it, it doesn't get done and then I land up rushing around grabbing waters and lunches and trying to get them out the door. And then I turn into the shouting one and everyone thinks I'm horrible. Which I guess I understand.

So take him up on his offer and stay away. And if he forgets anything - it's his problem to go back and sort it out.

Theunamedcat · 16/12/2022 11:30

Do you even have school Monday? Mine are off till January now

DorotheaHomeAlone · 16/12/2022 11:30

I think you’re mangling together a bunch of things because his comment has made you feel unappreciated and defensive. Getting five kids out every day must be hard and he should do more. So it stings that he’s criticised you. BUT he’s right that shouting at your kids every day isn’t good and that you need a different strategy.

If you can try to calm down and take what he’s said on board maybe you can come up with a better plan. One that includes him helping more and you shouting less. That would be more helpful long term than getting stuck in an angry, defensive standoff.

MangoBiscuit · 16/12/2022 11:30

I also get more urgent sounding and a little louder when my DC are faffing about when we're trying to get out the door, and I only have 2. I know shouting doesn't help, and it's very rare that I actually shout, but I don't sound like Mary Poppins if they're making us late.

Only you and your DH will know for sure if you were actually shouting, or just changing your tone, OP. But either way his arrogance was dickish. As a JauntyJinty said, he's handed you the perfect revenge. Don't do any of the prep before hand, he needs to show you how it's done properly, that means the whole thing.

SomePosters · 16/12/2022 11:31

I would hand it over to him then.

he clearly knows best.

shouting is not ideal of course, you know that but also you know wether shouting here means calling up the stairs to hurry up or spitting in their faces that they’re pieces of shit.

big difference.

if you’re planning to stay with this guy then maybe a calm talk out of the moment about sharing chores more fairly is the way to go

definitely do not prep the night before or get up and in the way Monday. It’s clearly time he got the opportunity to bear the weight of responsibility

PollyPut · 16/12/2022 11:31

I can see why you're frustrated.

So you got 5 children ready and out of the house this morning? He purely did the driving bit by the sounds of things?

He thinks he can do it all on Monday morning, without your help with breakfast, finding uniform and making sure they have everything they need? I don't think he has any idea how much work got to that point. I would be tempted to let him try to do it on his own but realistically there will probably be children late for school and things that are forgotten so probably better to talk to him now about what it involves and what he is going to do to fix the problems that made the family late this morning

EndlessRain1 · 16/12/2022 11:32

Well, there are two outcomes -

  1. he is right and he wil get them to school perfectly Monday without shouting, in which case you can reconsider yur approach or
  2. he is wrong and he will be late/ be shouting and you can be smug and tell him so Either of these is an ok outcome for you, especialyl while you lie in bed with a coffee and leaving him to it. I know which outcome would be more likely in my house, so I wouldn't bother with giving him the silent treatment, I would just bide my time with an "I told you so" up my sleeve.
Pictograph · 16/12/2022 11:32

Just leave it to him on Monday. Don't get involved at all.

I've voted YABU because it seems petty and childish to not be speaking to him over this.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/12/2022 11:34

Well I’d definitely take him up on the offer! Sounds good.

However, it’s all very well to do things perfectly on a one off day. Harder to do it every day.

I go back and forth about how urgent to be with my ds (8) who has no sense of urgency whatever. If I relax a bit we tend to be late and then the school complains, so you can’t really win. If I’m urgent and on it with him, we’re on time.

Im not saying shouting is the answer but frequent reminders conveying a tone of urgency can be required

gamerchick · 16/12/2022 11:34

Stop the strop OP. He's going to show you just how easy it is on Monday. Let him. Do no prep at all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2022 11:39

Refusing to speak to him is immature and going to prove his point that your communication is poor. If you’re either shouting or stone walling your family you could work on improving how you relate to everyone. You chose to have 5 children, it’s not their fault you find it so stressful and it’s a horrible way to start their days being yelled at.

notforonesecond · 16/12/2022 11:42

Sounds perfect.

He’s a bit patronising but it’s probably got your back up more because you know he’s a bit right.

Still, if he’s so wonderful at getting everything sorted in a morning he’ll be able to do it 50% of the time. I’m sure that’ll help you feel less stressed. A win win.

I mean, he’s not going to want to do it 50% of the time though is he? That’s the actual issue. But he’s played right into your hands here…

SchoolQuestionnaire · 16/12/2022 11:42

JauntyJinty · 16/12/2022 11:22

I can see why it's annoyed you, but he's handed you the perfect revenge!

Just enjoy your lay in on Monday and let him crack on and see how hard it is! If you usually prep the night before I'd leave that part and let him struggle - usually I'd worry about the kids being late but last day before Christmas I doubt they'll be doing much anyway

Agreed.

Yes shouting isn’t ideal but it’s very easy to swan in once and criticise. I’d actually go a step further and stay out Sunday night once the kids are in bed. Leave him to it completely and do nothing to help. Then see how calm he is.

Fantafilledfuckers · 16/12/2022 11:43

Thanks everyone for your replies. Yes I need to grow up and stop stropping. Yes it stings to be criticised. Yes I need to stop shouting🙈 Yes I’ll leave him to it Monday
I don’t verbally abuse them..definitely more the shouting up the stairs to hurry up style and not spitting in their faces that they’re pieces of shit🤣 that made me laugh thanks @SomePosters

OP posts:
xyhere · 16/12/2022 11:43

Ask yourself this: if he'd just said there's no need for all the shouting and not offered to do it on Monday, what do you think the reaction here would be?

Dollars-to-doughnuts, it'd be "He's a lazy shit, just mansplaining on something he can't be arsed to do, divorce him".

He's putting his money where his mouth is, rather than just lecturing you on how you should do stuff. That's not a good reason to be an arse with him.

Whether he's right or wrong, there's actually probably a decent middle position you can arrive at. It's clear that it's not doing you any good to have the ridiculous stress in the mornings, so maybe there's a way to better train the kids to be cooperative? Perhaps some "persuasion" from him might be the way to get there; since they're used to giving you crap in the mornings, and your reaction to it, your shouting likely means nothing to them any more purely through familiarity.

Kids are, in their natural resting state, unpredictable and manipulative little shits. They may well behave themselves perfectly on Monday, though, purely because it's a sudden change and they don't yet know how far they can push him.

Full disclosure, I don't know - I never had a herd of children in the mornings, just the one (and she was nightmare enough when she wanted to be). On the occasions that I saw my wife losing it in the mornings, though, I took over the next one and...child was good as gold, butter wouldn't melt etc. It was quite maddening, if I'm honest.

Fraaahnces · 16/12/2022 11:44

Just make sure to not remind him and not get up. See what happens on Monday morning. This will be very interesting!

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2022 11:45

Do you both work?

upfucked · 16/12/2022 11:45

Theunamedcat · 16/12/2022 11:30

Do you even have school Monday? Mine are off till January now

Ours are in all week next week.

Oysterbabe · 16/12/2022 11:46

I'm with him. My DH does the tearing round the house shouting thing when late and it drives me mad.