To be angry with dh

[Fantafilledfuckers]

5 kids. I do school prep and run 99% of time. DH on rare day off so I asked him to bring them. 5 mins after they should have left, I’m frantically trying to get them all out and he tells me to calm down and that my shouting isn’t helping the situation. I don’t think I was shouting but I was definitely being urgent as they were late. He comes home, tells me again that shouting doesn’t motivate the kids to leave on time. Fair enough. When they’re late and not moving it’s often what I resort to. My bad.
He then tells me that he’ll take kids to school on Monday while I stay in bed to show me it can be done without shouting. I told him he was being very arrogant and haven’t spoken to him since.

@JauntyJinty is absolutely spot on, @Fantafilledfuckers. Just sit in bed, with a nice cup of tea/coffee, and listen to the mayhem unfold downstairs. Then remind him that pride goes before a fall.

And if mayhem does not unfold, tell him that he is absolutely right - he can do the school run and prep SO much better than you, and can therefore do it every bloody day!

Can’t wait for the update on Monday 😄

To whoever asked if we both work, yes-DH full time, me part time.
And yes..thanks @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius if Monday does go well, it’ll pave the way for a new dawn of DH-led school runs!

Also, imagine the reverse - my husband spends all mornign shouting at/ being mean to the kids, I raised this with him and now he is not talking me. I don't know, I think it's fair enough to raise concerns GIVEN that he's prepared to take action himself. Maybe once it's done talk about how you can all make mornings easier, you might physically be the only one there to do it, but could he be in charge of finding school unform/ getting bags ready/ doing packed lunches the night before or before he leaves? To make it a bit more fair on you?

Shouting is verbal abuse. Just because it isn’t physical (spitting) or the abuse is worse doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse.

Five kids to get out the door. You are a hero OP, I know how hard that is.

I left DH to take the 10 yr old as I had a week working in another city. "This will in interesting!" I thought. DH is extremely laid back and often found clipping his toenails when we are an hour late for setting off somewhere.

On day one, I gleefully asked how the school run when. Were they on time? Yes they feckin were. Because the 10 yr old rallied DH to get ready. The 10 year old that I warn, cajole, encourage, remind and mollycoddle every day. Eye. Opener.

Enjoy Monday!

Best not to be around at all. DH is laid back and can get the kids to school on time. He won't notice if kids have put on dirty clothes or haven't brushed their teeth or hair though!

If I don't "call" up to DS every 5 minutes, I will wake him up at 7:30 and he'll still be in bed at 08:15. Even once he gets out of bed, I have to keep pushing him to actually get ready, eat breakfast, brush his teeth etc etc etc.... So I feel your pain.

Monday is going to be great. Enjoy!

YADNBU. Enjoy your lie in on Monday and I hope he does realise that it's not quite as easy as he thinks. The thing is that it isn't hard to keep calm for one school run, it's the endless day after day of "do your teeth! Have you got x and y?, put your shoes on... etc etc " that makes it hard and frustrating. I don't know how you manage with 5!!

Also, sometimes kids behave differently for different people - my DS's dad goes "oh, I just tell him to go and do his teeth and he does it..." and suggests I need a "sterner tone" 🙄. So there's always the chance the kids will be perfect, he will be calm (as it's all new and frustrations haven't built yet) and then he'll go "see? It's perfectly doable...".

I get it@YellowTreeHouse I’m a shit, abusive mum for shouting at my kids to get ready in the morning. What approach works for you when they won’t do what you ask and you need to be somewhere by a certain time? And there’s 5 of them.

I was thinking it would be quite amusing if he thought that there was no school on Monday & that was why he offered!

How old are the kids Op?

I didn’t say you were a shit mum. I said you were teaching them that verbal abuse is an acceptable way to talk to someone to try and get them to do something.

Because it is.

How do you do it, then? I need tips.

Ok..You did say I was an abusive mum though: Just because it isn’t physical (spitting) or the abuse is worse doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse.
So, can you answer my question of what approach works for you when they won’t do what you ask and you need to be somewhere by a certain time?

The thing is that it isn't hard to keep calm for one school run,

Well yes &the kids might just get on & get ready at the novelty of it being Dad for a change.

He needs at least a term of it I would think!

He then tells me that he’ll take kids to school on Monday while I stay in bed to show me it can be done without shouting.

I'd just have replied: "perfect! You crack on with that then and I'll enjoy my lie in" 😊

OP, I end up shouting sometimes too. There's only so many times you can ask someone nicely to brush their teeth/ put on shoes/ find their tie or whatever before you 1) run out of time and 2) get fed up. But I also recognise it's not a good way to start the day - for me or the kids.

I think if my DH said similar to yours I would be upset too, but mainly because I would know he was right. I guess the key is figuring out how to make mornigns betters/ reduce the need to shout. I know when I am more organised it helps A LOT. So does reducing screen access in the morning.

It's not really fair to blame the fact you have many children for the issue, I get it's a contributor to the chaos an stress, but that's hardly their faqult.

Must be nice to be married to a parenting expert 🙄

Make sure you do stay in bed on Monday and do nothing to help him, let him show you how it’s done - he sounds like a knob

I agree with your DH but he's BU to leave you to do 90% of the parenting. That's got to change.

I'm also in favour of letting children be late if they're faffing about and not cooperating. It's good learning for them.

Enjoy your lie in!

Seems a bit of an over reaction on your part.

Giving someone the silent treatment is also seen as a form of abuse on MN.

Let him do it on Monday and pick up some pointers of how it can help you next time.

It’s always easy to pick out peoples mistakes and I’m sure they’ll be things that DH does that you think you could do better.

There is no point in shouting in the mornings as it makes everyone stressed but sometimes yelling to hurry up as they’re going to be late does happen and it’s not the end of the world.

Myself and DD both have ADHD so will do everything but get ready sometimes, so I set the clock 5 minutes fast and make sure we’re ready 5mins before we actually need to be.

I will calmly give a 20 minute warning and then a 10 and 5 minute one so if they’re taking too long it’ll hurry them up without too much stress from me.

I hate being stressed in the morning as it affects my day, so I TRY and stay calm for myself just as much as my DC.

Also remember that DH is going to be extra calm and with it if he thinks you’re watching him.

If he does a good job then let him do it more often.

Yes! There really are only so many times you can ask nicely. Especially when you’re trying to make breakfast, packed lunches, find gloves, reading books etc.

Everyone seems to be in agreement. Also that shouting is not nice and a shit way to start the day for you and kids.

So, tips to reduce shouty mornings so far from this post are

• being organised the night before ( I really try to be!)
• limit screens (we never have them on in morning)
• let them be late and learn from that

Please share any others 🙏

This in bucket loads

I used to have to remind DD several times to get ready for school. I can't imagine the stress of doing that with four extra children lies down in a darkened room at the thought of having five children

Trust me, if it got to the stage where Mum shouted if we were taking our time getting ready for school or whatever, you bloody shifted yourself.

My lovely Mum, I miss you so much.