To be angry with dh

[Fantafilledfuckers]

5 kids. I do school prep and run 99% of time. DH on rare day off so I asked him to bring them. 5 mins after they should have left, I’m frantically trying to get them all out and he tells me to calm down and that my shouting isn’t helping the situation. I don’t think I was shouting but I was definitely being urgent as they were late. He comes home, tells me again that shouting doesn’t motivate the kids to leave on time. Fair enough. When they’re late and not moving it’s often what I resort to. My bad.
He then tells me that he’ll take kids to school on Monday while I stay in bed to show me it can be done without shouting. I told him he was being very arrogant and haven’t spoken to him since.

I think this is where you’ve been going wrong all this time. I didn’t call you an abusive mum either.

There’s a difference between labelling the behaviour (shouting is abuse) and saying someone is abusive. Similarly with children, a child may display behaviours you attribute with being naughty, but that doesn’t make them a naughty child.

I suspect your children are too old now. Foundations must be laid when they are babies and toddlers. 0-4 is a critical time for parenting and if you miss that window it’s almost impossible to change.

Your attitude here, jumping straight from 0-100 with “so I’m just shit, abusive” etc etc displays exactly what I mean and why I don’t think you would be able to cement any foundations without some serious work, which would require a lot of research and work on your part.

You shouldn’t have got to the stage where “there are only so many times you can ask nicely” then resort to shouting. It isn’t about asking nicely repeatedly, it’s about having the foundations in place so that isn’t necessary.

If you have to ask more than once then the right parenting structures are not in place.

Shouting doesn't help and just ends up with stressed kids going sadly into their busy day.
All the hurrying and panicking can muck up their fight or flight responses.
Their father has every right to comment on the situation.
It's probably guilt making you feel defensive and angry at him.
Sit down with DH and discuss how he can help to make the situation work in the long term. One perfect show from him on Monday means nothing, the kids will be in a different mode because Daddy is driving them to school!
All 5 kids will have different support requirements to get ready in the morning. Work out what those are and how you can BOTH help make it all happen.
Do as much prep as possible the night before - with DH involved!
Get everyone up earlier and give them something fun to do before leaving the house which they can only do once they are fully ready.
Get everyone a star chart. Being ready to leave on time = 1 star. Tally up stars to work towards a reward.

I’d tell him he’s doing it for the whole of next term!

@YellowTreeHouse calm down with the amateur diagnosis that OP has irrevocably damaged her kids!

💐

Enjoy your lie-in. You're in prime position now; either her realises how hard it is to get 5 kids out of the door at the same time, so you must need a break from doing it, or, he finds it so easy he won't mind taking his turn to do it. Win win I'd say.

Don't take anything that poster says to heart OP.

Ah right thanks @YellowTreeHouse for pointing out in so much detail where I’ve gone wrong and how difficult it will be to change, now that I’ve missed the critical window. Of course you’re calling me a shit mum ffs.
Perhaps rather than continuing to rip me apart, you could share how getting out in the morning works in your house? And what happens if your child/children don’t do what they’re asked when you ask them, given you have the “right parenting structures” in place?

@YellowTreeHouse
My children are really, really great but I struggle to get them to do what I've asked at certain times. I definitely, definitely have to ask more than once (ready for bed, teeth brushing etc.) - it's one child more than the other, he reminds me of me at 9, a deep thinker, maybe a daydreamer even. Anyway, I don't shout. What can I do and what did I not do when they were 0-4? I've obviously missed something out along the way and I wonder if I've hampered some independence. Can I gently rectify this? You sound like you know what you are talking about.

This is me. I crumble when DW is hovering.

DW is chaotic, and when I'm doing something I feel like there is a constant negative chirping. Don't forget this, have you done that. Feels like one of those SAS programmes where DW role is just to pile pressure and doubt on me!

I am the opposite and have every task in my head, sorted and planned exactly. There are things I ask DD to do whilst I make breakfast, then things I do whilst she's eating.

DW is also the 'boss' in the house so DD will ignore me in her presence thinking she doesn't have to do something unless mum says so. This in turn looks bad on me but when DW isn't there she will do what I ask.

I also leave later than DW because she has a massive faff in the car for 5 minutes before leaving, no idea what she's doing Facebook.

I'm on Team DH, I hope he nails it!

Whether what he’s said is true or not, you’ve got your hands full and it stings when someone arrogantly states the obvious like that.

However, make sure he follows through with his offer on Monday. Stay in bed, don’t help him out at all and make sure you’ve not prepped anything at all. If the outcome is a success and he pulls it together without anyone yelling, he’s proven he should definitely be pulling his weight in the mornings more than he currently does. If it all goes to shit you get to feel a teeny bit smug. Win win imo.

Enjoy the lie in!

Can any of the kids get their own stuff ready ?
@YellowTreeHouse do your kids never need telling more than once ? I just don't believe that.

I agree. Try not to take diagnosis of your family personally, from pp who do not know you or your family. You posted for advice/comments so you’ll receive posts from pp who don’t agree with you and pp who do.

Hats off to you for managing school runs for five DC without regular help from your DH/their Father.

Shouting at a child and shouting to make sure your heard above the noise of a busy house are 2 very differnt things

OPs made it clear she meant the 2nd, I think @YellowTreeHouse has got stuck on the idea of it being the first

I would also add - check your blood pressure and read up on how you might well be stressing yourself more than you ought to - is it worth it? Try not to let anyone spoil your day - your kids will grow up remembering a very stressed out mother. You need to look at what your kids can do for themselves and if your partner can do something to help. There's a lot of sh!t going on in life ATM - so what if your kids are late - I think they will get some grief from school and maybe that will motivate them to get their act together.

I think you move on from being cross( annoying though it is when someone adopts a tone that condescending with you!) , and let him organise Monday morning while you enjoy a lie in.

That means he does ALL the organising. All the packed lunches, who’s in uniform, who’s got a non-uniform day and needs a pound, who needs to take treats for Christmas party day, who finishes early, who takes in toys for toy day, secret Santa presents…

I'm glad @YellowTreeHouse isn't my mum. I'd have died of an over dose of sanctimony.

I have three DC and we’re never late for school. I get annoyed occasionally but generally (my) mornings do not involve shouting. Since you asked here are my tips:

-All bags, forms, water bottles, reading books, nursery bags and uniform are set out/packed the night before. Always.
-Morning routine is always the same order so they know what they should be doing next. They do need nudging but it’s all predictable so less resistance.
-No screens and can only play once they’re totally ready.
-Shoes/ coats on time is 10 minutes before we technically need to go. Sometimes we’re a few minutes at early but often we need that time for last minute wees/tantrums/other nonsense.
-I channel Mary Poppins for those last few minutes and just jolly my way through any squabbling, panicking or resistance. I don’t get pulled into last minute chat with DH, just focus on the kids. My aim is getting out of the door and I refuse to get sidetracked.

And finally (this one is key) DH does his fair share of school runs so I’m not totally ground down before we even begin. He does get a bit more shouty than I do and it’s definitely less effective as well as being less pleasant.

I hope he's run ragged on Monday morning.

Following this thread for an update on how perfect your DH handled it on Monday.
Remember OP don't be doing any prep on Sunday evening.

I'd think the main advantage of his doing a task that normally falls to you is to free you up to do something else, or nothing. There's no point in the two of you doing the same task (unless you enjoy doing it together). Give him the basics, if it's his first time, then leave him to it - including dealing with any consequences, such as the children being punished for being late.

He then tells me that he’ll take kids to school on Monday while I stay in bed to show me it can be done without shouting. I'd be wondering why, if he's available to do this task in order to prove his "point", he isn't already doing it regularly. Perhaps Monday can be the start.

Haven't read the full thread as frankly I got to the accusations of abuse and couldn't be bothered.

@Fantafilledfuckers I "only" have four but can empathise with morning chaos. What helps canmost for us is making sure they can all do as much as they can themselves (in an age apprope way obviously). So the ten year old sorts himself out entirely, gets his breakfast, gets dressed, brushes his teeth and goes for the bus after I've quickly checked he doesn't look like a hobo. Seven year old gets dressed, gets her breakfast, I check her teeth are good and just needs reminding to get shoes and bag together. 5 year old can get dressed and just needs a hand making sure his bowl of cereal isn't half the entire box and teeth brushing supervision. That leaves the 2 year old who needs the most help obviously. Most mornings run smoothly now and it's only shouty if the 5 year old decides to choose violence. Those mornings I choose not to fight back and he gets manhandled into the car.

Erm apologies for the gap... not sure what that's about 😬

Take the Monday and chill!

And an arsehole DH would say fine, if you can do it better, I won't ever help again. He's come up with a sensible solution and is taking responsibility