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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude to do the dishes while friends are there?

86 replies

Create10 · 16/12/2022 02:04

If you had a few friends around to your house for drinks and food, would you do the dishes whilst they were there?

So once everyone had finished their food, and were chatting over drinks (no time limits, everyone expecting a late one), would you disappear off to the kitchen to wash all of the dishes, or would you leave them stacked up in the sink and deal with them the next day, and concentrate on hosting?

YABU - I would do the dishes there and then
YANBU - I would place them out of the way in the sink and leave them until my guests had gone/the next morning

OP posts:
Reugny · 16/12/2022 02:08

It's common when I go to dinner parties to help with tidying away and doing the dishes.

Obviously some will be left until the morning.

DrJump · 16/12/2022 02:11

Not rude. We have a dishwasher so I try and have it empty before guest arrive. If everyone is in the garden I'm not hanging inside doing the dishes. But if I'm in waiting for the kettle to boil for late night hot drinks I do a tidy up.

LBFseBrom · 16/12/2022 02:13

Leave the dishes, they won't mind, and stay with your friends.

SafariRushHour · 16/12/2022 02:18

Everyone would help load the dishes into the dishwasher

Original poster
Create10 · 16/12/2022 02:18

SafariRushHour · 16/12/2022 02:18

Everyone would help load the dishes into the dishwasher

If there is no dishwasher.

OP posts:
Delectable · 16/12/2022 02:19

Some of my friends will come into help. My husband forbids it but then it happens if he's distracted and can't see us.

Original poster
Create10 · 16/12/2022 02:21

Delectable · 16/12/2022 02:19

Some of my friends will come into help. My husband forbids it but then it happens if he's distracted and can't see us.

Why does he forbid it?

OP posts:
Friday123 · 16/12/2022 02:24

I personally will leave it until the morning, but nothing wrong with doing it while they are there

SirenSays · 16/12/2022 02:26

I disappear into the kitchen to wash up and make dessert when the in laws are over. I can't stand them and it would never enter their heads to offer to help so I have the kitchen all to myself.

Viktoriana · 16/12/2022 02:31

My experience of informal English dinner parties is that they start clearing up in the guests presence and the guests are expected to help out. They wouldn't necessarily spell it out and ask but it's sort of expected that you will at least offer or attempt to assist the host with clearing up otherwise YOU are the rude one.

In my culture, it's considered rude to make your invited guests work by cleaning up or cleaning around them instead of enjoying their presence, clearing up sends a message of: "I've had enough now, it's time for you to leave you are in my way and I am tired. I'd rather do the dishes and cleaning instead of talking to you."

I had to adjust to English ways of hospitality. It was a cultural shock 😅
I think quickly stacking the dishwasher while everyone is busy is fine as long as you aren't eating in the kitchen or if the guests had moved to the garden or living room but if your guests are right there at the kitchen table and you are handwashing dishes and cutlery it feels unwelcoming, like I'm a burden.

Summer2424 · 16/12/2022 02:34

Hi, I would leave the dishes until they're gone or do them in the morning.

Original poster
Create10 · 16/12/2022 02:45

Viktoriana · 16/12/2022 02:31

My experience of informal English dinner parties is that they start clearing up in the guests presence and the guests are expected to help out. They wouldn't necessarily spell it out and ask but it's sort of expected that you will at least offer or attempt to assist the host with clearing up otherwise YOU are the rude one.

In my culture, it's considered rude to make your invited guests work by cleaning up or cleaning around them instead of enjoying their presence, clearing up sends a message of: "I've had enough now, it's time for you to leave you are in my way and I am tired. I'd rather do the dishes and cleaning instead of talking to you."

I had to adjust to English ways of hospitality. It was a cultural shock 😅
I think quickly stacking the dishwasher while everyone is busy is fine as long as you aren't eating in the kitchen or if the guests had moved to the garden or living room but if your guests are right there at the kitchen table and you are handwashing dishes and cutlery it feels unwelcoming, like I'm a burden.

In my culture, it's considered rude to make your invited guests work by cleaning up or cleaning around them instead of enjoying their presence, clearing up sends a message of: "I've had enough now, it's time for you to leave you are in my way and I am tired. I'd rather do the dishes and cleaning instead of talking to you."

I am as English as can be and yet that's how I feel too. My mother would never start washing up while a do is ongoing. Describing what I'm talking about as a dinner party is probably/definitely over egging the pudding - we tend to just put pizzas out, or hot sandwiches/a small buffet, or lasagne or something. We don't do proper three course style dinner parties. Whenever the host starts washing the dishes I always feel uncomfortable and like I've inconvenienced them by being there.

OP posts:
Whatifthegrassisblue · 16/12/2022 02:57

Not really. I usually just leave them as I'd rather clear up the next day and relax myself but I wouldn't care if someone else wanted to do them, and if they did I would help (and it wouldn't bother me).
Nowadays most people have dishwashers but I remember when I was younger, we would always do the dishes if we had dinner at someone else's house (they wouldn't expect it)

fallfallfall · 16/12/2022 03:02

Get them done, expect friend and family to offer to help.

Icannever · 16/12/2022 03:04

I clean up as it’s all open plan and I can’t relax if it’s all messy. I never expect help but I always offer help at other peoples houses. It doesn’t take long and then everything is nicer for chilling out in

nalabae · 16/12/2022 03:32

No it’s clean

Oliol · 16/12/2022 03:32

Dinner party, nope - all left until after guests have gone.

Something more casual, same probably. But only because I'm a total control freak about the dishwasher and how it should be stacked. I hate help Grin

I don't care if someone wants to wash up while I'm around - not a biggie.

Whataretheodds · 16/12/2022 05:53

Clearing plates from earlier courses towards the sink/dishwasher is fine, but I learned from my mother that starting the washing-up signifies the party is over and people should go home.

Exception if you're washing something that needs to be used again eg starter plates for cheese.

W0tnow · 16/12/2022 06:16

Yes. Dinner parties at ours are very infrequent, but casual. The kitchen is right there. And settling in for after dinner drinks and a chat is nicer when everything is clean. Most of it’s done before guests arrive, it takes less than 5 minutes to rinse plates and het them in the dishwasher. Of course we don’t expect people to help. But they do, mostly.

panko · 16/12/2022 06:24

If no dishwasher it usually goes like this:
Host clears plates
Guests say would you like a hand with that.

Then either:
1.It turns into a quick washing up session
2.Host insists they don't worry about it they will do it later.

1 or 2 depends on the formality of the occasion and how often guests are there. Eg. If family there every week then more likely to be 1 than if its a dinner party with everyone in their finery.

Whendovescry03 · 16/12/2022 07:05

I used to find it quite stressful hosting people for dinner because I felt it was rude to clean up but we'd end up with the kitchen in a total state.

Until we went for dinner at a friend's house and she stood nattering in the kitchen with a few of us while she washed up. I thought "I'm such an idiot" and now I fill up everyone's drinks before heading to the kitchen to clean up a bit after eating. We do now have a dishwasher which helps!!

ChristmasTidyings · 16/12/2022 07:11

Yes, but our kitchen/dining table/living area is open plan so the guests can see all the stuff piled up on the counter and I can still join in the conversation as they're sitting less than 2m from the sink.

thelobsterquadrille · 16/12/2022 07:38

I clean up because our kitchen is absolutely tiny, and I wouldn't even be able to make a cup of coffee the next day if the sink was full of dishes.

mondaytosunday · 16/12/2022 07:40

Ugh I have a friend who does this, but usually I'm there for a casual lunch in the kitchen and she's very quick and just loads up the dishwasher. At a dinner I think it would be rude - cleaning up is an indication the evening is over so I'd be saying thank you and leaving.
And I really hate it if someone takes it upon themselves to start doing it at MY house.

WineCap · 16/12/2022 07:56

We do this, but there is always one partner to host and one to wash up. Otherwise you end up lumbered with a load of washing up to do late at night or in the morning before work. We always end up hosting so I think if they don't like it or find it rude then they can take on some of the work by hosting round at theirs.

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