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Original poster

Is it rude to do the dishes while friends are there?

86 replies

Create10 · 16/12/2022 02:04

If you had a few friends around to your house for drinks and food, would you do the dishes whilst they were there?

So once everyone had finished their food, and were chatting over drinks (no time limits, everyone expecting a late one), would you disappear off to the kitchen to wash all of the dishes, or would you leave them stacked up in the sink and deal with them the next day, and concentrate on hosting?

YABU - I would do the dishes there and then
YANBU - I would place them out of the way in the sink and leave them until my guests had gone/the next morning

OP posts:
dancingqueen123 · 16/12/2022 07:59

I load the disho

Heronwatcher · 16/12/2022 08:00

I’d clear but not start washing up unless I wanted everyone to go- for me that would be a subtle sign that the party is over and everyone should leave.

MagpiePi · 16/12/2022 08:01

I leave everything till the next day.
I'm with the PP and would think it rude to go off and do washing up while they are still there, or expect them to help out.
I wouldn’t put the hoover round or start on a pile of ironing either!

Pictograph · 16/12/2022 08:06

Personally if I'm hosting I usually leave everything till the next day, but I've often seen the host start to wash up (and guests offer to help) and I don't consider it rude.

MRex · 16/12/2022 08:06

Either are fine. Close friends or family would expect to help, so if we don't start there's a risk of one of them piling in by themselves. It's not unusual for us to do two meals for family or some friends as we make a day of it with lunch and child dinner/ adult snacks, so you can't really just leave the kitchen trashed from lunch and start up another meal. Usually both of us plus two guests will clear the table, rubbish in the bin, serving dish remains boxed up for the fridge, load dishwasher etc. Then we just say to leave the pans if it's near the end of the party, or one host plus one guest chat while sorting pans and everyone else goes into the other room.

MRex · 16/12/2022 08:11

It is quite an English thing to have guests help I think, but you only let them if they are very close, so it's seen as a nice thing. I do remember some Eastern European friends being very startled to see everyone pitching in, and they were horrified when we tried to wash up at their flat. They're quite used to it now though and join in with everyone else.

Cornelious · 16/12/2022 08:12

I have an open plan kitchen/ diner, so when clearing I would immediately stack them in dishwasher but if I didn't have one I wouldn't wash them in front of people. I also wouldn't leave the room to wash them as I wouldn't want them miss the chat!

Funkyslippers · 16/12/2022 08:14

Depends. If it's a kitchen/dining room and the guests are in the dining room I'd make a start, or if it's getting late I'd just make my apologies and disappear for 10 mins to do the dishes. They've got each other and probably my OH to talk to so my rude

crossstitchingnana · 16/12/2022 08:17

People clearing up makes me want to put my coat on. To me it's a massive hint, unless I know them REALLY well.

MRex · 16/12/2022 08:24

crossstitchingnana · 16/12/2022 08:17

People clearing up makes me want to put my coat on. To me it's a massive hint, unless I know them REALLY well.

Say you're due to stay for lunch and due to stay through to kids dinner at 5. You'd be happier to see lunch things left lying over the table while everyone runs round the house, and you'd like your kids to eat dinner surrounded by dirty plates, rather than have bits cleared up. Or if you have dinner and everyone is staying for drinks, just leave piles of leftover food and plates out as some sort of display instead of shoving out of sight in a dishwasher. That's so weird, sorry! I wouldn't fancy eating at your house!!!

89redballoons · 16/12/2022 08:42

It's rude of the friends not to offer to clear up!

But I guess it depends how formal an event we're talking about. Casual dinner with good friends/family members - guests pitch in with clearing up and washing up. Formal dinner party with your partner's boss or something - yes, I guess a bit rude if you disappear off to wash up. I don't host many of the latter...

bloodyplanes · 16/12/2022 08:47

I think its rude and can make first feel a bit unwelcome, like you are saying " time to go now". I always leave them until the guests have left.

greenerfingers · 16/12/2022 08:56

Depends on the friends, close informal friends I always do them while making the tea or clearing things from living/dining room to kitchen. Mind you they always offer to help or even do them before I get a chance. We just like to have tea/dessert knowing everything's tidied and can relax.

More formal friends/ people coming over first time etc I'd not do them. I just stack them nicely while clearing to kitchen and leave on the side til they've left. I'd never leave them till the morning, just wait till they've gone.

Doowop1919 · 16/12/2022 09:25

I'd stack the plates up nearly in the kitchen and leave for when the guests are gone. Either morning and later that evening.

Doowop1919 · 16/12/2022 09:26

Doowop1919 · 16/12/2022 09:25

I'd stack the plates up nearly in the kitchen and leave for when the guests are gone. Either morning and later that evening.

Neatly*

BamBamBilla · 16/12/2022 09:47

If the guests are leaving soon after dinner I'd leave them till later but if they're staying longer or overnight I would start clearing up.

tigger1001 · 16/12/2022 09:48

I would do them after dinner. Our kitchen is really small and any clutter just makes it unusable.

saraclara · 16/12/2022 09:52

The only people that I have round for meals are family and close friends, and they all automatically help clear the table and stack the dishwasher afterwards. And when I visit friends I do the same.

To be honest I really like it. It's a kind of bonding thing. You're all chatting and cooperating and I find it a warm and friendly few minutes. Am I weird?

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 16/12/2022 09:53

I wouldn't do the dishes and I'd prefer if my host didn't but totally understand that some people can't relax while the dishes are sitting there (where as I'm a massive lazy slob who can happily ignore them) so wouldn't take offence if someone cleared up (and I'd offer to help).

Natty13 · 16/12/2022 09:57

Viktoriana · 16/12/2022 02:31

My experience of informal English dinner parties is that they start clearing up in the guests presence and the guests are expected to help out. They wouldn't necessarily spell it out and ask but it's sort of expected that you will at least offer or attempt to assist the host with clearing up otherwise YOU are the rude one.

In my culture, it's considered rude to make your invited guests work by cleaning up or cleaning around them instead of enjoying their presence, clearing up sends a message of: "I've had enough now, it's time for you to leave you are in my way and I am tired. I'd rather do the dishes and cleaning instead of talking to you."

I had to adjust to English ways of hospitality. It was a cultural shock 😅
I think quickly stacking the dishwasher while everyone is busy is fine as long as you aren't eating in the kitchen or if the guests had moved to the garden or living room but if your guests are right there at the kitchen table and you are handwashing dishes and cutlery it feels unwelcoming, like I'm a burden.

I'm the opposite! I come from somewhere people are a lot less formal and more relaxed than they are here so I would say if I had English people round I probably wouldn't start tidying or cleaning while the guests were still there but back home I definitely would. Usually one of the guests actually will start collecting plates etc up then you go back to sitting down chatting, have another drink or something.

It's a mark of being comfortable and relaxed in each others' homes I feel. Like here, in your mum's house or your closest friend's you would be more at home than visiting a new acquaintance for the first time, I like people to just feel relaxed and welcome in my house not like I am sitting waiting for them to leave so I can tidy up.

I like seeing different people's perspectives based on where they are from.

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/12/2022 09:59

I only used to do that when it was time to bring the evening to an end but there was no sign of guests leaving.

Topseyt123 · 16/12/2022 10:00

I can't relax and enjoy anything with dirty dishes lying around so I would have to get them done. I would stack them in the dishwasher (you need one of those for dinner parties).

If I did wait until after guests had gone then I would have to wash up before going to bed. Nothing worse than coming down next morning to a sink and kitchen full of dirty dishes and looking like a sewer.

Thankfully, I don't do dinner parties. Not for years and years. Not my thing and I don't miss them.

crossstitchingnana · 16/12/2022 10:01

MRex you wouldn't be invited.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 10:04

Delectable · 16/12/2022 02:19

Some of my friends will come into help. My husband forbids it but then it happens if he's distracted and can't see us.

Forbids it like jokily don't you dare, that's my job, or forbids as in there's consequences for you later?

RandyMandyy · 16/12/2022 10:15

saraclara · 16/12/2022 09:52

The only people that I have round for meals are family and close friends, and they all automatically help clear the table and stack the dishwasher afterwards. And when I visit friends I do the same.

To be honest I really like it. It's a kind of bonding thing. You're all chatting and cooperating and I find it a warm and friendly few minutes. Am I weird?

Same!

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