Boyfriend doesn't want to spend christmas with me

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I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years, lived together for 3 years. Not married, no kids. We've never spent Christmas day together and it really upsets me. We normally go to our own families for xmas eve/day and then meet up again on 26th/27th.

Our families live too far apart to see both in one day. I've always wanted to spend the day together but he prefers to be with his family and doesn't want to alternate who we see each year, which I think is strange when we've been together so long. We've argued about it previous years so he knows how I feel. We are mid/late twenties if that makes a difference.

AIBU for getting so upset about this?

he should want to spend it with you, and relationships are about compromise, so he should be doing that. Alternate with each family is fair. My opinion is that this is a bad sign and you should consider it’s not working. Why would you not want to spend Christmas with your person.. your best friend, partner. Don’t get it.

It definitely feels unusual to spend Christmas Day apart if you live together. Probably not unheard of though. Is he generally a bit too attached to his family? Who does “his family” involve (trying to work out if maybe he has young nieces and nephews that he wants to see)?

Have you offered to go to his family with him? What did he say?

And have you offered Christmas just the two of you or is it his family or yours?

His parents and siblings, although his siblings see their partners for at least half of the day as their partners live a lot closer

I think it's pretty normal, he's holding on to Xmas with just him and his family as he knows it may change soon.

If you have kids it will change but for now may be he wants a bit of alone time once a year. If you live together it should be pretty reasonable for you both to want separate time away from each other.

It’s just a day. It’s not like he’s leaving you on your own. I’ve spent 10 years having a separate Xmas to my husband (complicated situation, no shared children). We have a blast on other days together.

My brother did this until he got married. Now they alternate ish.

I have offered to go to his for Christmas but he didn't seem that interested, I also don't want to sacrifice seeing my family if he wouldn't then alternate seeing mine the year after

We don't really fancy spending it just us two as we don't get to see our families often and it wouldn't feel very Christmassy

Oh and to add: I always spend Boxing Day with him and his family, and it’s rubbish for me. They all sit around drinking when I’m teetotal, and they’re all nice but a bit dull. I sound horrid! But really, it’s just a bit of a chore. But I love him and I like them, so I do it. But if that were my actual Xmas? No thanks. I think alternating might mean each year one of you is having a slightly crap time with family that aren’t yours - but this year, every year you both have a good time. Compromise is rubbish if it actually means neither party has a great time!

I think if he doesn't get to see his family very much and Christmas is a time that he can then I think you need to accept that really. Presumably he sees you all the time!

It's then for you to decide whether you do every other year with his family so you can be with him at Christmas or just stick to seeing your family every year.

When do you do gifts? Ill be honest from my personal opinion I dont think this is the one. Me and DH couldnt wait to spend Christmas together, which we did 1st year 8ish months in.

Not saying this to rub it in, but rather when it is the real deal, all these things are super easy to agree on. Are there other signs he might not be for keeps?

I know it upsets you that you feel he is not compromising, and refuses to share Christmas Day alternately with both your families. That's understandable.

However, unless he is upsetting you in other similar ways, I could live with it. Christmas Day is hyped up so much that there is bound to be disappointment, resentment and anger and all the rest of it if things don't go the way we would like. It's a time full of emotion too and everything seems so sentimental and feelings can be heightened.

I wouldn't let this ruin your relationship, plenty of couples spend time separately with their families, it is not unusual. But as I said if overall you don't feel loved or respected, it is time to think it through more thoroughly when Christmas is over.

“when it is the real deal, all these things are super easy to agree on”

That makes no sense.

Mine are spending Xmas separately. They live near her family. She quite often goes home for the weekend to see family. Sometimes he joins them for a family do. He's coming home for a week at Xmas to stay. See family and friends.

It works for them now. He is settled in a job. She is looking for a better job further afield. When you're young things are more relaxed I think

Me and dh did this for I think 9 years until we had a dc. I loved Xmas with my family, he loved Christmas with his family. We both would have been welcome at each other's but I didn't want to go to his and he didn't want to come to mine. Personally I had no issue with spending a few days apart. Just giving another perspective.

How far apart do your families live?

Friends have been together 20 years. Every Xmas she goes home to her family. He's a chef so is flat out working. When his work eases up she comes home and they have their Christmas day. Complete with dinner and presents

Think of military, oil industry workers etc. They're apart on Christmas Day but celebrate early or late some years

He doesn't not want to spend Christmas with you as your title suggests, he just wants to see his family and you don't want to only see his.

There are plenty of reasons he might not want to alternate.
He might not get to see his a lot.
He might find your family irritating.
He might not like the way your family 'do' Xmas.
He might want to spend Christmas with his family for other more personal reasons that are important to him.

I find my in laws really irritating on Christmas, some are too boozy and the others are uptight. The Christmas dinner is worse than the one my family cooks. The house is too small for the amount of people. My family do a cracking dinner and due to health stuff in the family, it is important to us that we see each other on Christmas. So...maybe it's similar and it's not really about you?
Lucky for me, DH doesn't really care.

DH and I spent our first Christmas together 5 days after we met (neither of us were seeing family that day, by coincidence).

I know one or two long term couples who regularly separate for Christmas but it's not for us. DH is my favourite person, he's the one I've chosen to be with and thus there's nobody I'd want to spend Christmas with more than him, even family.

In your shoes though OP it wouldn't so much be him wanting to spend it with his family that bothered me, more his reluctance for you to join them.

I didn’t spend Christmas with DH until we were married, we’d been going out for seven years before that.

What are the plans for the future? Marriage? Children?

Thanks for the replies, I do see it from his side as well and try to be logical but every year I end up getting upset again. We each spend time with our family at other points in the year so it's not about being apart for a day, it's that I want to make new memories and traditions with him but he doesn't feel the same way

Uh oh, I was the same! You just want Christmas with your family, it’s when you get to just sit and chill! Didn’t mean I didn’t adore my now dh, I just wanted to do what I always did!

Me and my partner don’t have children. Similar age and been together 6 years although not married. We both love Christmas with our families. We do our own Christmas a few days before with a smaller dinner and gifts and then will visit each others families either side of Christmas. You have each other every day but it’s not often we have all our family in one place. I don’t think there’s any harm in that.