Boyfriend doesn't want to spend christmas with me

[piper678]

I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years, lived together for 3 years. Not married, no kids. We've never spent Christmas day together and it really upsets me. We normally go to our own families for xmas eve/day and then meet up again on 26th/27th.

Our families live too far apart to see both in one day. I've always wanted to spend the day together but he prefers to be with his family and doesn't want to alternate who we see each year, which I think is strange when we've been together so long. We've argued about it previous years so he knows how I feel. We are mid/late twenties if that makes a difference.

AIBU for getting so upset about this?

To me it's no big deal when you have no kids. My brother and his wife have been together for 20+ years and I think they've spent maybe 5 Christmases together. Both prefere being with their own family instead of in laws. They can spend all the other days together and also this way they can make sure nobody's family members are not alone.

Me and bf have been together together 10 years and last year was our first Christmas together since he wanted to come to mine (some family drama on his). I've accepted that once we have kids I have to go to his parents for Christmas but till then I'm happy to go to separate places. I really think it will be more relaxing and pleasant for everyone.

But this isn't what is normal in my family. My advice is to talk what you will do if you get married or have kids. Think why this is so important to you. If there is room for compromise. Driving between two places? Visit other family few more times to compesnate. You can do alternative years? Like this year you go to his family. And next year you are in differen places?maybe he is open to that if he knows he doesn't have to reciprocate?

Me and my partner don't spend Christmas Day together until the evening. We both love our own families traditions, spend Christmas Eve and the rest together but not Christmas Day. I'm pregnant so this will be the last year we spend it away from each other and then we plan to alternate. I enjoy time with my family without being a couple, we're not joint at the hip.

Yeah, I see it more as a family time rather than a couples time.

Its the fact he's not willing to compromise and doesn't seem to care how it makes me feel

That's the whole point of this to me. Christmas itself is a red herring really. He won't compromise, won't make future plans after 5 years together. Says a lot.

He wants to spend Christmas with his family and doesn’t want to get into the whole “turns” thing. I am totally on his side and admire him for standing his ground. I spent way too many Christmases with DH’s family when I wanted to be with my mum.

God he sounds like a catch Presumably he only lives with them for reduced bills and sex on tap until something better comes along then? Charming.

No wonder he has that attitude towards women when you concur with him.

why would you even admit to that, it's a source of shame not pride to string them along.

DH and I always did Christmas with our own families until kids came along 8 years later. It’s not necessarily a bad sign as some PPs have suggested.

My response would depend on who the family is- their ages, health conditions etc. In my late twenties given the age of one of my grandmothers I would not have wanted to spend Christmas Day without her, knowing as I do now how few such years were left.

It wouldn't be a problem if you were both happy with the arrangement but you are not and so I think it's a problem because he knows how you feel and doesn't seem to care.

I think that relationships only work long term if your partner is your favourite person and the one you want to spend time with above all others (children excepted). If either of you is having a much better time with other people and aren't each other's priority, then you aren't 'the one', even if you're rubbing along quite happily the rest of the time.

After 5 years of non commitment, I'd probably sling this one back and start looking for someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him!

My first 2 Christmases with OH we spent with our own families. I didn't find it odd. I saw him on boxing day.

By the third year we has DS so we spent Xmas day with one family and boxing day with the other. Works well.

He's obviously very close to his family that's a good thing

I don't think it's that unusual if you have children it will change but for now just enjoy your Christmases seperatIey. That way you can both have quality time with your families . You say you don't want to spend it just the two of you so whichever way you do it one of you will be unhappy.
Im sure you spend lots of other important days together

Agree. I don't think it's that unusual.

Our adult kids all come home for Christmas and their partners go to their own parents. We all think it's great. My kids seem to recreate the Christmas of their childhoods every year even though they are in their 20s and early thirties. It's a few days where they can all spend together. It's really important to them. There is zero pressure from us. It's something they want to do. The kids partners seem to want to go to their own parents.

I don't get the issue.

Honestly I can't relate to this at all. That's what's works for you, in your relationship, with your personalities. That doesn't mean you've found true love and everyone else's relationship should find it easy to do the same to also be true love!

I'd have no problem with this until/if you have children - you can do your own little Christmas with a gift exchange, nice meal in the run up or a few days after, and you both get to enjoy your Christmas days rather than one person tolerating the others family.

I know some people don't want to spend Christmas together until they're married. But is that the plan? 5 years is long enough to plan marriage and children or lack of those things. If he's vague about what he wants from this relationship I'd be worried that he's not committed to you as he should be and not spending Christmas together is one way of showing it.
Have a serious discussion with him to say what you want, what's important to you. It's extremely important to have the same goals when you're in a long-term relationship. If you don't, maybe it's time to go your separate ways?