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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend christmas with me

91 replies

piper678 · 15/12/2022 22:23

I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years, lived together for 3 years. Not married, no kids. We've never spent Christmas day together and it really upsets me. We normally go to our own families for xmas eve/day and then meet up again on 26th/27th.

Our families live too far apart to see both in one day. I've always wanted to spend the day together but he prefers to be with his family and doesn't want to alternate who we see each year, which I think is strange when we've been together so long. We've argued about it previous years so he knows how I feel. We are mid/late twenties if that makes a difference.

AIBU for getting so upset about this?

OP posts:
EllesB · 15/12/2022 23:24

piper678 · 15/12/2022 23:12

Thanks for the replies, I do see it from his side as well and try to be logical but every year I end up getting upset again. We each spend time with our family at other points in the year so it's not about being apart for a day, it's that I want to make new memories and traditions with him but he doesn't feel the same way

I think you’ve nailed it with your last part there. You “want to make new memories and traditions with him but he doesn't feel the same way.” His disinterest really makes it sound like he doesn’t see a long term future with you.

I feel awful typing that. I’m sorry, OP. He sucks. Flowers

Jinglehop · 15/12/2022 23:36

So he knows it upsets you but still doesn’t want to compromise, not even once? Have you discussed having children with him - what would you do then? Or would I be right to guess … he doesn’t discuss the future with you much either?

Confusion101 · 15/12/2022 23:40

Swansridinghorses · 15/12/2022 23:21

Me and my partner don’t have children. Similar age and been together 6 years although not married. We both love Christmas with our families. We do our own Christmas a few days before with a smaller dinner and gifts and then will visit each others families either side of Christmas. You have each other every day but it’s not often we have all our family in one place. I don’t think there’s any harm in that.

This is what we did too. This year we have DD so we are spending it together, but up to this we never saw each other on christmas day. I never saw any harm in it either.

UsingChangeofName · 15/12/2022 23:42

I think you need to talk about it, after Christmas sometime, and ask him how he sees this going as your lives go forward. What does he anticipate happening when you have dc ? Or is marriage on the cards ? At what point does he think you are a couple and when does he anticipate you start spending Christmas together ?

On it's own, when you are both 'young, free, and single' , I don't think it is that unusual to each go to your own 'homes' for Christmas, but 3 years into living together does seem time to talk about how this is going to develop.

Confusion101 · 15/12/2022 23:45

And just to add, me not wanting to spend Christmas with my DP had nothing to do with not seeing a future with him. In fact it was the exact opposite. I knew we would have a future together and our Christmas would eventually have to change so I wanted to enjoy the last of the Christmas Day traditions I had grown up and experienced every year! This is our first year to spend it together (we are splitting the day between our 2 families) and although I'm delighted to be making new memories and joining our customs together, both of us are feeling a little sad / strange about not having the exact Christmas traditions each of us grow up with!

Original poster
piper678 · 15/12/2022 23:55

My brother sees his partner on Christmas Day (either at ours or with her family) so our traditional Xmas day is already different than it used to be. So maybe that's why I'm happy to do something different, but that is the same for my boyfriends family too.

He says he wants marriage and kids etc but is always vague about long term plans. But that's probably a whole other post...

OP posts:
Agapornis · 16/12/2022 03:34

Best start that whole other post soon, not in 10 years 😬
Did he move in with you because of covid, by any chance? Sounds like a lack of commitment/interest in a solid future with you. I'd gtfo, he's had 5 years to prove himself.

nalabae · 16/12/2022 03:35

Clearly he doesn’t take you seriously

Riu · 16/12/2022 05:34

DH and I always spent Christmas day apart until we had kids. We do both like to be quite independent though.

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/12/2022 05:43

I would hate to spend Xmas day at another family's house. Always spend it with my own mum.

StopStartStop · 16/12/2022 05:48

Be clear. You want marriage, children, and Christmases together. If he wants that with you, he needs to sort it, now. In the next few days.

Otherwise, ditch him. Before Christmas. And get a few nights out over the season, to start looking for someone new.

This is your life. Don't hang around waiting for him. Currently, you're in your best years for finding someone and having children. There's never been a better time.

deeperthanallroses · 16/12/2022 06:20

He says he wants marriage and kids etc but is always vague about long term plans. But that's probably a whole other post...
is it though? Or is it the same post? are you ms ok for now? Ms moving in with you was convenient, ms not worth building a real future with?

tiutinkerbell · 16/12/2022 06:32

I might be the unreasonable one here but I totally get it. I am an only child and extremely close to my parents, except that we live in different countries. I will always choose to spend Christmas with them. My boyfriend has decided to join us the last two years and has said next year he will probably go to his family, but knows I won't join him. I don't think there should ever be any obligation either way.

C1N1C · 16/12/2022 06:42

I can understand why he's clinging on to this, I would if I could.

My wife and I have an agreement that Christmas is about happiness rather than compromise. I'm completely fine if she goes overseas to spend it with her family without me, if we decide to spend it alone, or not at all if we feel like it. Christmas is like a wedding. It's meant to be for you, but in the end you end up miserable because you're trying to cater for everyone else.

Most (not all!!!) people if they're honest want to spend it with their partners, but not their partners family and it takes a maturity to admit you're not happy and you won't be forced into the farce.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/12/2022 06:50

I think it entirely depends on his motive.
Lots of examples here of valid reasons why this would be ok and no big deal.
But... If his reason is that he's emotionally /commitment wise for one foot out of the door then that's a whole other thing.

girlmom21 · 16/12/2022 06:53

How far away do they all live?

We used to go to DP's parents in the morning, then I'd leave and head over to my parents.

We did this until DC1's 2nd Xmas now we stay home and everyone is welcome to us.

We're an hour away from family and the in laws are coming first thing and staying the day/night and my parents will come and visit in the afternoon.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/12/2022 06:55

My brother and his wife did this every year until they got married and then they started alternating. There needs to be a longer term plan - what if you have kids??

EveEveander · 16/12/2022 07:12

YANBU
You live together and you want to spend Christmas with him. Nothing unreasonable about that.
In casual relationships it makes perfect sense to Christmas separately. Maybe you each want different things.

daisychain01 · 16/12/2022 07:21

What is it you want from this situation, OP?

Your DP has told you how he feels, he wants to spend Christmas with his folks, and it doesn't seem like you're going to change his mind.

Are you going to accept this situation, make the best of having a Christmas with your folks and celebrate with him on a different day? Or tell him it troubles you and ask is this how it will always be?

He's being dismissive in general about your future together, I wouldn't be happy with that situation.

Christmas often puts the spotlight on relationships- remember 25th Dec isn't the priority, it's the context of the bigger picture about the rest of your life together that matters.

bluebird3 · 16/12/2022 08:40

After 5 years I'd be wanting to see some compromise on his part. Someone who says, 'this is what I want and what you want doesn't matter,' is not someone I'd want to be with long term. What if he never changes and refuses even after marriage and kids? What if he is like this in other ways? Someone who isn't willing to bend in an area that matters to you isn't compatible for you long term.

KatherineJaneway · 16/12/2022 08:43

He says he wants marriage and kids etc but is always vague about long term plans. But that's probably a whole other post...

I suspect if he was making more committed noises in general then the situation around Christmas might worry you less. If it were me, mid to late twenties and with someone 5 years, I wouldn't be happy with vague mumblings about the future if I wanted marriage and kids.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 16/12/2022 08:48

Swansridinghorses · 15/12/2022 23:21

Me and my partner don’t have children. Similar age and been together 6 years although not married. We both love Christmas with our families. We do our own Christmas a few days before with a smaller dinner and gifts and then will visit each others families either side of Christmas. You have each other every day but it’s not often we have all our family in one place. I don’t think there’s any harm in that.

yes this, we have a Christmas the weekend before Christmas which is nice. Then see our families. I am probably more set on seeing my family on Christmas Day than he is it doesn’t mean I don’t see a long term future with him but I see my family twice a year, I’m not willing to miss seeing my mum to have Christmas dinner with the man I spend literally every other day of the year with!

Cantbebotheredwithchores · 16/12/2022 09:02

I see it as only a day! I work every other Christmas Day (this alternates with Christmas Eve and Boxing Day as well).
I've been with my husband for 15 years, lived together for 10 and we've had 1 full Christmas Day together.
We have lunch with our parents, we have a child and we go to his parents in the morning and me and my daughter go to my parents on the afternoon.
People think it's weird but if we alternated his or my parents may end up having lunch by themselves and we don't want that x

Unifolorn · 16/12/2022 09:06

KatherineJaneway · 16/12/2022 08:43

He says he wants marriage and kids etc but is always vague about long term plans. But that's probably a whole other post...

I suspect if he was making more committed noises in general then the situation around Christmas might worry you less. If it were me, mid to late twenties and with someone 5 years, I wouldn't be happy with vague mumblings about the future if I wanted marriage and kids.

Yes I suspect this is the bigger issue.

PollyPut · 16/12/2022 11:47

It's pretty normal. If you have children in due course then you will most likely alternate

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