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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend christmas with me

91 replies

piper678 · 15/12/2022 22:23

I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years, lived together for 3 years. Not married, no kids. We've never spent Christmas day together and it really upsets me. We normally go to our own families for xmas eve/day and then meet up again on 26th/27th.

Our families live too far apart to see both in one day. I've always wanted to spend the day together but he prefers to be with his family and doesn't want to alternate who we see each year, which I think is strange when we've been together so long. We've argued about it previous years so he knows how I feel. We are mid/late twenties if that makes a difference.

AIBU for getting so upset about this?

OP posts:
Wishawisha · 16/12/2022 11:58

I would (and did) feel the same as you but I would say it is not that unusual. I’ve even known married couples with children who do Christmas separately in order to placate parents - although in some cases I reckon their parents would be ok with a new arrangement, the child just doesn’t want to rock the boat or change what’s always been done.
I found the years I was with DH, unmarried and without children yet but living together and very serious, when we did Christmas apart really upsetting but I think he didn’t see it the same way. It was like he didn’t really think Christmas was about him or us it was about keeping his parents happy, which is nice I suppose? Now we do Christmas at home which he started when we had children.

Wishawisha · 16/12/2022 12:03

deeperthanallroses · 16/12/2022 06:20

He says he wants marriage and kids etc but is always vague about long term plans. But that's probably a whole other post...
is it though? Or is it the same post? are you ms ok for now? Ms moving in with you was convenient, ms not worth building a real future with?

This.

If all was happy otherwise I think you could ignore he Christmas issue. I don’t think in itself it’s that damning - as I said in previous post, my DH did the same and it was all about keeping his parents happy (which felt rubbish for me but was what it was..). I think the real issue should be whether you feel secure in the relationship and whether you are on the same page with future plans.

One day doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. That you may hang on another five years while he decides if he wants a future together or not does matter.

nobodygirl2023 · 16/12/2022 12:06

I sort of understand him wanting to see his family at Christmas. We do alternate years and I always miss my own family when it's the in-laws year but that's the way it is when in a relationship/marriage.

That said, if you're serious about each and plan to get married / have kids someday, this will have to change and there will need to be compromise on both sides.

wimbler · 16/12/2022 12:45

we spent it apart until we got married and now we alternate. It was always just one day and we would see each other on Boxing day. I think that was more my doing though as I hate being away from my family on Christmas Day, even now i'm married.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 16/12/2022 15:24

I mean I never went to my husbands for Christmas even after we were married - I didn't want to! I miss my family and wanted to spend it with them in my childhood home!

He wanted to spend with his! so instead of one of us being unhappy or having to compromise we just did separate things on the day.

We have a baby now so will spend it together now - but before that i never would have.

DirectionToPerfection · 16/12/2022 15:48

I don't think this is a big deal. Amongst my friends everyone went home to their own families until they got married and had kids.

Suprima · 16/12/2022 16:07

I was you, really wanted to do a Christmas together once we lived together (had been together for 4 years at this point). He wasn’t interested and wanted to go home alone. But I was struggling with the fact that he wasn’t romantic and we weren’t on the same page regarding marriage and DC, so it was just another mark on my card of ‘he likes splitting the bills, but he’s not really into you’.

Only you know your relationship and you’ll know in your heart whether this is another irksome thing that you aren’t happy about. As you can see from this thread, not doing Xmas together is normal for many- but if he also doesn’t give a shit about getting you since birthday pressie, you don’t go on dates and he doesn’t believe in marriage and you do…yeah.

By the next Christmas I had emotionally checked out. 2 christmases after that I was married to someone a million times better (and we had spent the previous Christmas together- our first - too!)

2bazookas · 16/12/2022 16:09

Go and spend it with him and his parents.

Then the only sacrifice is by your parents, and maybe you'll appreciate why he didn't want to leave his.

TheCraicDealer · 16/12/2022 16:15

Another one agreeing with @KatherineJaneway. DH and I didn’t spend an Xmas together until DD was born, by which stage we’d been together 8 or 9 years. Our first married Xmas he was away in Iraq. I was never fussed as we had a casual discussion one year agreeing we’d each go “home” for Christmas until we had a baby to think about, and that suited us both. I was also very certain about DH’s level of commitment and how much me loved me, so I knew he’d stick to his word.

I think it’s time for some frank discussions with your DP about what sort of timescale he’s imagining with the whole marriage and babies stuff. If you don’t see eye to eye on that then it’s better to cut him loose now and find someone who shares your priorities.

highheelsandbobblehats · 16/12/2022 16:33

I had this with DH. He absolutely refused to not go 'home' for Christmas to stay with his parents. I didn't like it, but he wouldn't be moved on it.

Once we got married (in our 9th year together) I ended up going with him as I refused to not be with my husband on Christmas day.
Ended up spending 4 years running (including DS1 first and second Christmas) with the in-laws before I put my foot down when pregnant with DS2 and cited unfairness to other grandparents and told him that we would be alternating 1 in 3 from now on (divorced parents my end).
Also told him that he was welcome to go 'home' instead if he felt that strongly about it. He opted to be with us.

We then did the three year rotation once until I announced that travelling with two small children and all the paraphernalia at Christmas was too much and I wanted to stay home from now on (we were in traffic on a diversion on a snow covered motorway with a car hating screaming DS2, which helped my case). The apron strings had loosened a bit by then and he agreed.
Funnily enough, his parents never wanted to come to us over Christmas once we stopped. They chose to work most of it instead.

You have my sympathies. Nothing worked with my DH until the DC were born.

Sartre · 16/12/2022 17:07

The only Christmas I didn’t spend with DH was our first but he was with me till Christmas Eve evening and we spent new year together. There’s no way I’d accept not spending Christmas together half a decade in…

Theres a definite compromise to be had. Your family one year, his the next or your family Christmas Eve, his Christmas Day.

Original poster
piper678 · 16/12/2022 20:18

Thanks all for the responses. I'm glad some of you understand how I feel as it drives me mad that he doesn't seem to get it. I know it's only a day but that's not the point really, I'm not stopping him seeing his family but there are ways to keep everyone happy. Its the fact he's not willing to compromise and doesn't seem to care how it makes me feel

OP posts:
antipodeancanary · 16/12/2022 20:30

DS 27 spends every Christmas with us without girlfriends. I think he has lived with five women over the years, two at university and three since. Honestly he doesn't want to make memories or new traditions with them because they are not 'the one' He doesn't imagine he will be spending the rest of his life with them. And he's been right so far. Could that be the case for your bf?

Original poster
piper678 · 16/12/2022 21:15

antipodeancanary · 16/12/2022 20:30

DS 27 spends every Christmas with us without girlfriends. I think he has lived with five women over the years, two at university and three since. Honestly he doesn't want to make memories or new traditions with them because they are not 'the one' He doesn't imagine he will be spending the rest of his life with them. And he's been right so far. Could that be the case for your bf?

Wow harsh Grin I think your son living with five different girlfriends by the age of 27 says more about his commitment than not wanting to spend Christmas with them!

OP posts:
Agapornis · 16/12/2022 23:41

I think that @antipodeancanary has made it quite clear to you OP that your own boyfriend has no respect for women, either! Or at least, no respect for you.

whoareyouinviting · 16/12/2022 23:44

I was in this boat many years ago. Almost the exact same story. He broken things off with me in the end and looking back he was never 'all in' with me. My now husband included me into his family Christmas early on and before we lived together.

Tailfeather · 16/12/2022 23:44

I lived with my husband for 10 years before we got married, and we always spent Christmas apart and with our own families. Now we are married with kids we alternate. But I hate the Christmases I have to spend with his family as really miss my family.

DirectionToPerfection · 16/12/2022 23:58

antipodeancanary · 16/12/2022 20:30

DS 27 spends every Christmas with us without girlfriends. I think he has lived with five women over the years, two at university and three since. Honestly he doesn't want to make memories or new traditions with them because they are not 'the one' He doesn't imagine he will be spending the rest of his life with them. And he's been right so far. Could that be the case for your bf?

What a prince, stringing all these young women along.

Original poster
piper678 · 17/12/2022 00:05

Agapornis · 16/12/2022 23:41

I think that @antipodeancanary has made it quite clear to you OP that your own boyfriend has no respect for women, either! Or at least, no respect for you.

So you think this means he has no respect for me at all? Christ things are worse than I though

OP posts:
Littlebummybums · 17/12/2022 00:09

Why do his siblings not get to invite their partners to the parents for Xmas. You said they get to see them for half a day. Is this his parents controlling Xmas day?

Agapornis · 17/12/2022 00:17

piper678 · 17/12/2022 00:05

So you think this means he has no respect for me at all? Christ things are worse than I though

Show quote history

Well, it's clearly important to you, he just doesn't seem to care about how you feel, does he?
As others have said, if you want marriage and/or kids in the near future, have you sat him down to have a conversation about the future? If he's avoiding having that conversation, that's your answer... Better to get out now than still be with someone who doesn't share those goals in 5-10 years.

autienotnaughty · 17/12/2022 00:23

A friend of mine did this right up until her and her hubby had kids.

feelingsareweird · 17/12/2022 00:35

I think it depends. Do you do other Christmassy stuff together before and after the day itself? You can create traditions decorating your tree etc, doesn’t just come down to one day. But if he’s not interested in that sort of thing either you may be on very different pages.

im an only child and significantly older than you, I have spent every Christmas just with my parents other than the lockdown year. I have a complicated relationship with them so I’d feel very guilty leaving them alone on the day. But also it would be weird going to DP’s family when I’ve never known anything else! So we do Christmas Day separately but we do lots of stuff for us before and after and will have our own Christmas Day on a different day of that week!

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2022 00:59

It's also the fact that he doesn't seem bothered about you going to his family.

Do his parents only want their own children there? Are there grandchildren yet? Did he spend Christmas with previous partners?

Confusion101 · 17/12/2022 01:05

piper678 · 16/12/2022 20:18

Thanks all for the responses. I'm glad some of you understand how I feel as it drives me mad that he doesn't seem to get it. I know it's only a day but that's not the point really, I'm not stopping him seeing his family but there are ways to keep everyone happy. Its the fact he's not willing to compromise and doesn't seem to care how it makes me feel

If he has said he wants kids and a marriage with you can you not understand he might want to have his last Christmas or 2 or 3 with just his family before ye start making new traditions yerselves!? Nothing wrong with that imo and everyone saying to leave him because this shows he doesn't care about you...... Whaaaaaaat!?