To be furious with MIL (and partner) about smoking?

[CinnamonSquared]

I’m currently abroad on a fairly disastrous holiday with my partner and 7 month baby. We are staying with his family, who are all French. My partner still smokes (but only outside and away from the baby) and I used to smoke but gave up when I was pregnant. I occasionally sneak one when the baby is asleep and I have time to wash / brush my teeth after. Not great but very infrequent.

My partner’s family all smoke indoors so I had a discussion with my partner before we came and made it clear that I don’t want them smoking indoors whilst we’re staying with the baby. He appeared to be on the same page. We’re staying with his grandmother, who doesn’t smoke anymore. His Mum lives nearby and smokes like a chimney.

When we first arrived, my partner told everyone the no smoking rule. I don’t speak the language well so I tend to leave any / all confrontation to him plus I do believe it’s better to deal with your own family. I would never drag him into any confrontation I had with mine.

His Mum came for dinner when we’d been here for two days, and, when I took the baby for a nap, convinced him to smoke one cigarette in a bathroom and then was smoking again when I came back to the kitchen. It was a freezing cold day, which is their excuse. Now, I think he massively messed up here and confused everything and I’m annoyed with him about it. He says he thought it was a fair compromise because it’s ‘far away enough from the baby’ and he really tried to convince her not to smoke the kitchen cigarette but she refused. Alas, it’s only gone downhill from there.

My partner’s brother and cousin obeyed the rules and smoked outside but his grandmother, despite being very nice and attentive to my baby, promptly bought a pack and started smoking too. Again, she asked my partner if she could smoke inside in her bedroom (which is upstairs and far-ish away from where the baby sleeps), he said yea and told me he felt he couldn’t say no. I would estimate she smoked 4 last night and 5 this morning. Of course now the house stinks. I told my partner that this made me really uncomfortable.

We were also invited for dinner at my MIL’s house and she insisted she smoke inside so there was a room in the house put aside for it. I was really uncomfortable but didn’t know how to deal with it so just tried to stay away from the smoke with the baby. She smoked probably 4 cigarettes, and her son and nephew also smoked there. It’s probably 15 foot away from where she insisted I feed my baby.

I knew people weren’t exactly thrilled with the smoking boundary (particularly in winter) but I didn’t expect today. I woke up and found that the house stank of smoke again. I took my baby out for a couple of long walks in the freezing weather to keep her away from it and called my Mum for some support. She agreed with me that it was ridiculous people would not put the baby first and avoid smoking inside for the 4 days of our visit.

I then had a blazing row with my partner because he thinks I’m being totally OTT about the whole thing and that the baby being around cigarette smoke a bit for 5 days is ‘no big deal’. I think my boundaries are being ignored and that surely everyone can adhere to baby friendly rules for 5 days. He told me that the whole family thinks I’m utterly unreasonable and that he’s been telling them that ‘it’s her rules, you need to abide to them’ which I feel sets up a dynamic where I’m the bad guy and he’s just an enforcer of my crazy rules.
We made up eventually and he agreed to present a United front and told me that even though everyone thinks I’m being too strenuous they all agree that it’s because I care about my baby and I’m a good Mum. They also all said that the ‘converts’ (people who’ve recently stopped smoking) are the most passionate which I find patronising to say the least.

To give some context this is a family where everyone smokes. The great grandparents smoked in the same car with the children until they were sick, the grandparents then smoked whilst pregnant and with babies and the younger generation, as a result, inevitably all smoke.

So tonight, we were again invited to my MIL’s and at some point in the evening I told her I was going to breastfeed my baby. The baby wasn’t hungry so we returned sooner than usual and walked in on her lighting up in her kitchen (re, not the designated smoking room). My partner snapped at her quite harshly and said again ‘you follow her rules’ or something to that effect, meaning me. She said she was just ‘walking to the smoking room’. She then walked away and said I was an extremist Islamic terrorist (or something to that effect) to her nephew
in French. This is something she does, always bitching about family members to each other, usually about her Mum. I didn’t know that this had happened but my partner heard and lost it. He told her off severely and intensely enough that I left the room with the baby. I don’t really know what he said, but things along the line of ‘if you don’t follow the rules, you won’t see your granddaughter.’ He also told her we’re both worried about her drink driving (and watch her to make sure she’s okay to drive) with the baby because she drinks a lot. I told him to apologise for shouting before we left because I didn’t realise I was the target. I then thanked her for dinner and kissed her cheek like a moron because I didn’t know what was going on.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off? This is not the first time she’s pushed my boundaries. She calls me her daughter and does grand gestures (pretty jewellery / a trip to the hairdressers) that I feel I can’t refuse but I feel that she’s jealous of my relationship with her son and determined to show me that she’s still the boss in acts of defiance. I hate the family dynamics and the idea that my baby has to be around this bullshit. I had really hoped we could all get on for my baby’s sake. Isn’t there enough evidence now regarding how bad smoking is for babies even if second or third hand? I’m so worried for her health. It’s bad enough that my partner smokes. I also now feel totally isolated and alienated from this family and desperate to get away from them all. So, am I being unreasonable?

Next time stay in a hotel and limit your time with them in their own houses. Maybe learn some French so you can communicate with them yourself as well. Yabu to tell people what to do in their own houses but yanbu to not want smoke around your baby - solution is to not stay in those houses and leave if they start smoking. Doesn’t sound like your partner is on your team either

I agree with the above. I wouldn't want smoking around my baby so I would stay in a hotel. You can't really go to someone's home and tell them how to live in it.

I would refuse to stay over in a walk-in ashtray, and that's without a baby in tow. Suggest you book into a hotel tomorrow and not meet up at either of their houses anymore. Such a basic lack of respect but then, guess you're dealing with addicts.

Whilst smoking around kids is fucking disgusting you absolutely don’t have the right to dictate what happens as a guest in a house you’re visiting! Go and stay in a hotelZ

Also you’re either Team Fags or not - you can’t kick up this stink but also have 2 smokers in the child’s household!

I wouldn’t stay without a tiny human. Hôtel or nothing. There’s a reason the NHS recommends wearing a coat to smoke and then removing it before holding the baby. Your DH I bet isn’t doing this at home.

They're being unreasonable but you're taking it very personally when really they're just addicts who want to keep up their addictive behaviour in the comfort of their own homes: I doubt it's really personal. But you're not unreasonable to want to keep baby away from smoke.

Are you muslim or did she randomly call you an Islamic terrorist?

I can see what you’re saying, but in my defence, we decided to stay with the grandmother largely because she doesn’t smoke. I had no idea she would start again during our visit.
With the MIL, I have limited time spent at hers to an hour or so at a time but still felt uncomfortable, especially with four smokers in the house. So we were really asking her not to smoke around my baby for 2 hours at a time at most. And she insisted she host us for that time. Is it really that crazy to then ask her not to smoke inside?

I have already suggested that we stay in a hotel next time to my partner, to avoid this. I’ve just been blindsided by it a bit.

Also, not a Muslim, just her idea of a witty comment. I think because of Iran being on the news.

As above. You're obviously not unreasonable to not want your baby to be in a smoky environment, but you can't tell people how to behave in their own homes.

Lesson learned, hotel next time.

YABU. If you don't like the things people do in their own homes, don't visit them. You can't expect to be allowed to dictate to your hosts, [almost] no matter what the reason, and I'm pretty shocked that you've had the gall to try.

I don’t disagree that smoking around babies is absolutely rank, but you can’t tell someone not to smoke in their own home. His grandmother having to ask permission to smoke in her own bedroom and him snapping at his mother to ‘follow our rules’? Totally unreasonable.

YABU imposing 'rules' on people in their own homes, especially dictating what they can and can't do in specific rooms in their own homes. I'm surprised they lasted as long as they did. I'd have told you to get lost. Especially when you're not above a sneaky smoke yourself. I think your demands are extreme, verging on outrageous.

I don’t think you guys are reading the bit where it clearly states his grandmother doesn’t smoke which is why we were so shocked she started two days ago. And that this is part of the reason we chose to stay with her over his Mum.

You seem to expect us to never see his family - if there are ten at a gathering at a time, and they all smoke indoors, how are they supposed to be able to spend time with the baby? It’s not just one person smoking. It’s a whole tribe of them.

We should stay in a hotel next time, but whether we did or not, the issue would be the same. Only I would be the bad guy for not letting them see the baby much because we’d have to limit visits or only meet outside, as opposed to being the bad guy for asking them to smoke outside when she’s around.

It's reasonable to want a smoke free house for your baby. You (your dp) can't shout at somebody for smoking in their own house but you can leave and explain why. It is awful that they kept doing it and it shows a lack of care for your concerns but people generally do only care about themselves.

You can't control these people and their actions so you will have to stay in a hotel and meet in other places that don't allow smoking by law to have a smoke free environment and be with the family. I don't go to my mum and dads house in winter with my ds because mum smokes inside. It's what I've had to do because I can't control what she does in her own home.

Jesus, this is not going the way I thought it would. How are my demands crazy? I have none! I never ask them for everything, fit into everyone’s schedule and basically don’t say boo to a goose. All I asked is that they not smoke around the baby, having insisted we come and stay with them.

i definitely should have asked my partner to discuss it beforehand and if smoking inside was top priority, to find a hotel, which is a big error, but how is anything I’ve done outrageous? Leaving and going to a hotel would be seen as a far greater insult than anything I’ve done. I’m just doing damage control for the baby at this point.

You're starting to sound like a bit of a tyrant OP. It's all about what you want but you're in their country (where it's more culturally acceptable to smoke) and you've imposed your own rules (yet don't speak their language) or you'll withhold access to your baby (despite your DH, the baby's father, seemingly disagreeing with your rules too - he sounds embarrassed by your behaviour).

Weird responses.

YANBU at all OP. You thought you were staying in a non-smoking house and the others could cope with two hours not smoking indoors. These are perfectly reasonable requests when you have a baby.

I’m extremely anti smoking abut even I would be hard pressed to support you here. You’re in their home, ultimately you can’t dictate what they can and cannot do under their own roof. Stay in a hotel next time.

It's their house. It's as simple as that. And it's not just one person, it's pretty much all of them who you're asking to behave as if it was your house.

If they were visiting you, you'd be okay telling them your house rules. But it's not. It's theirs.
It's frustrating that grandma has started up again, but I'm really not sure what more you can do. Certainly they can't be told that they can't see their grandchild because they've smoked in their own house.

Yep this. You can't lay down rules in other people's homes.

It’s not going your way in both this thread and with your family, because you are being unreasonable. You cannot dictate what people do in their own house. You can dictate what you can control… clearly that’s not your family and their activities.

Honestly you are also being weirdly laser focused on this up to noting how many cigarettes everyone has smoked.

I will get plenty of disagreement for this but I think you need to lighten up on the smoking near your baby. 5 days of being around 2nd hand smoke will not do any harm.

I'm a smoker. But I don't even smoke in my own home, I go outside, whatever the weather. I'd have expected that your in-laws could do the same.
I wouldn't dream of smoking anywhere near a tiny baby. :-(

Massively OTT, the granny has obvs taken up smoking again because she doesn’t want to be bossed around in her own house. There is going to be zero impact on your baby of being in a house with people who are smoking for a few days. It’s so patronising not to allow to people to use their own common sense and not blow smoke in to the baby’s face. You come across as intransigent and over bearing. You are ruining a happy time with the baby visiting relatives

Okay, I’m going to bed now, but, to confirm I haven’t told anyone they can’t see their grandchild, my partner did, whilst angry. He has since apologised. He does have a temper but his family know this and not to take him seriously when he’s angry. Nor did I want him to get angry with anyone. Especially in front of the baby.

My baby has been passed around them endlessly. We’re not threatening them with not seeing her. Just sad about how they’re acting. And well aware that they’ll be around my baby for years and years to come.

As a previous poster said, these responses are weird! Maybe I wrote the original post badly or in a way that puts me in a bad light. I wrote it with my partner to ensure it was factual and fair.