To be furious with MIL (and partner) about smoking?

[CinnamonSquared]

I’m currently abroad on a fairly disastrous holiday with my partner and 7 month baby. We are staying with his family, who are all French. My partner still smokes (but only outside and away from the baby) and I used to smoke but gave up when I was pregnant. I occasionally sneak one when the baby is asleep and I have time to wash / brush my teeth after. Not great but very infrequent.

My partner’s family all smoke indoors so I had a discussion with my partner before we came and made it clear that I don’t want them smoking indoors whilst we’re staying with the baby. He appeared to be on the same page. We’re staying with his grandmother, who doesn’t smoke anymore. His Mum lives nearby and smokes like a chimney.

When we first arrived, my partner told everyone the no smoking rule. I don’t speak the language well so I tend to leave any / all confrontation to him plus I do believe it’s better to deal with your own family. I would never drag him into any confrontation I had with mine.

His Mum came for dinner when we’d been here for two days, and, when I took the baby for a nap, convinced him to smoke one cigarette in a bathroom and then was smoking again when I came back to the kitchen. It was a freezing cold day, which is their excuse. Now, I think he massively messed up here and confused everything and I’m annoyed with him about it. He says he thought it was a fair compromise because it’s ‘far away enough from the baby’ and he really tried to convince her not to smoke the kitchen cigarette but she refused. Alas, it’s only gone downhill from there.

My partner’s brother and cousin obeyed the rules and smoked outside but his grandmother, despite being very nice and attentive to my baby, promptly bought a pack and started smoking too. Again, she asked my partner if she could smoke inside in her bedroom (which is upstairs and far-ish away from where the baby sleeps), he said yea and told me he felt he couldn’t say no. I would estimate she smoked 4 last night and 5 this morning. Of course now the house stinks. I told my partner that this made me really uncomfortable.

We were also invited for dinner at my MIL’s house and she insisted she smoke inside so there was a room in the house put aside for it. I was really uncomfortable but didn’t know how to deal with it so just tried to stay away from the smoke with the baby. She smoked probably 4 cigarettes, and her son and nephew also smoked there. It’s probably 15 foot away from where she insisted I feed my baby.

I knew people weren’t exactly thrilled with the smoking boundary (particularly in winter) but I didn’t expect today. I woke up and found that the house stank of smoke again. I took my baby out for a couple of long walks in the freezing weather to keep her away from it and called my Mum for some support. She agreed with me that it was ridiculous people would not put the baby first and avoid smoking inside for the 4 days of our visit.

I then had a blazing row with my partner because he thinks I’m being totally OTT about the whole thing and that the baby being around cigarette smoke a bit for 5 days is ‘no big deal’. I think my boundaries are being ignored and that surely everyone can adhere to baby friendly rules for 5 days. He told me that the whole family thinks I’m utterly unreasonable and that he’s been telling them that ‘it’s her rules, you need to abide to them’ which I feel sets up a dynamic where I’m the bad guy and he’s just an enforcer of my crazy rules.
We made up eventually and he agreed to present a United front and told me that even though everyone thinks I’m being too strenuous they all agree that it’s because I care about my baby and I’m a good Mum. They also all said that the ‘converts’ (people who’ve recently stopped smoking) are the most passionate which I find patronising to say the least.

To give some context this is a family where everyone smokes. The great grandparents smoked in the same car with the children until they were sick, the grandparents then smoked whilst pregnant and with babies and the younger generation, as a result, inevitably all smoke.

So tonight, we were again invited to my MIL’s and at some point in the evening I told her I was going to breastfeed my baby. The baby wasn’t hungry so we returned sooner than usual and walked in on her lighting up in her kitchen (re, not the designated smoking room). My partner snapped at her quite harshly and said again ‘you follow her rules’ or something to that effect, meaning me. She said she was just ‘walking to the smoking room’. She then walked away and said I was an extremist Islamic terrorist (or something to that effect) to her nephew
in French. This is something she does, always bitching about family members to each other, usually about her Mum. I didn’t know that this had happened but my partner heard and lost it. He told her off severely and intensely enough that I left the room with the baby. I don’t really know what he said, but things along the line of ‘if you don’t follow the rules, you won’t see your granddaughter.’ He also told her we’re both worried about her drink driving (and watch her to make sure she’s okay to drive) with the baby because she drinks a lot. I told him to apologise for shouting before we left because I didn’t realise I was the target. I then thanked her for dinner and kissed her cheek like a moron because I didn’t know what was going on.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off? This is not the first time she’s pushed my boundaries. She calls me her daughter and does grand gestures (pretty jewellery / a trip to the hairdressers) that I feel I can’t refuse but I feel that she’s jealous of my relationship with her son and determined to show me that she’s still the boss in acts of defiance. I hate the family dynamics and the idea that my baby has to be around this bullshit. I had really hoped we could all get on for my baby’s sake. Isn’t there enough evidence now regarding how bad smoking is for babies even if second or third hand? I’m so worried for her health. It’s bad enough that my partner smokes. I also now feel totally isolated and alienated from this family and desperate to get away from them all. So, am I being unreasonable?

I'm afraid if people smoked around my baby I would be leaving with the baby for a hotel and wouldn't particularly care whether my partner left with me or not.

It's dreadful behaviour to smoke near children irrespective of whose house it is.

How on earth were you counting the number of cigarettes?
Just leave if you hate it there , seems the easy answer and meet somewhere else for lunch that's non-smoking or outdoors.

I used to smoke whilst I breastfeeding my new born. I gave up smoking when I was pregnant and promptly started again when he was born.

He used to be in a room full of smokers. It makes me sick when I think about it. BUT this was the 80's and secondhand smoke was not known about.

He's nearly 40 and he's fine, but that's not the point. I now think it's awful smoking in a room with children or babies. Now I know how dangerous it is.

And really can't understand why you're getting a hard time on here. Yes it's their own house but doesn't give them the free rein to do anything. Especially something that will harm a child.

It's their house so they can feed the kid poison? Would that be ok too?

Just doesn't make sense.

Going forward OP, you just can't visit them. They can visit you then they need to follow your rules.

I really really don't understand why people think you're being unreasoned! Very strange!

It would seem that maybe you should limit your visits to the in-laws to warmer months where smoking outside is more palatable, as someone who has lung disease likely due to my father being a smoker when I was a child I wouldn’t tolerate any smoking anywhere near a baby / child .

Yanbu to me @CinnamonSquared like a previous poster has said, I too smoke but if I am visiting someone who doesn’t or if friends visit me who don’t smoke then I don’t and if I do I go outside! especially if someone was visiting with a baby!
They must be pretty addicted if they can’t control themselves for a short space of time or go outside/designated room!

Sadly there’s not much more you can do this time but in future arrange to stay in a hotel and they’ll have to visit you there where they can’t smoke inside - and at least if you visit them and they start you can leave x

Agree. Selfish pricks.

Maybe you go to them in the summer where lots can happen outdoors and they visit you in the winter where it's your house your rules.

I do think your DP made it worse by not being a united front to start with, but he's on the right path now, stick together and get through the next few days. Then reassess for future visits. His family are fools to put up such a barrier to your DD spending good quality time with them.

I'm on your side with the issue with the in laws OP, but this is definitely true.

You seem nice

Smoking around babies is not ideal, but both my parents were chain smokers and my sister is a healthy 80 year old and my brother a healthy 74 year old.

I think it is great that people don't smoke around babies, but for the sake of happy families, I think the OP would do better to understand that she is not going to change the French side of her family.

These responses are weird - did you guys read the OP? She thought she was staying with a non smoker. She asked people not to smoke while they were with the baby - on short visits. It's the same as when my friend came round with her new baby and asked me to keep my bouncy dog in another room for an hour or two. If I was a smoker, I'd also have kept off the fags during her visit. It's not a big ask.

YANBU, OP. Sorry your visit has panned out this way.

You need to stay in a hotel when visiting them rather than in their homes. Then you can leave with your baby when they light up.

You are perfectly reasonable to not want people smoking around your baby and to want to get away from it if they do start.

You are, however, unreasonable to try and dictate whether or not they can smoke in their own home. You can't go in there and start laying down rules.

Clearly the grandmother hasn't fully managed to kick the habit so you'll know better than to trust in that for future visits.

And really can't understand why you're getting a hard time on here. Yes it's their own house but doesn't give them the free rein to do anything. Especially something that will harm a child.
Yes they do, in their own home. It's the OPs responsibility to remove her child if she is unhappy with the situation, nobody else's to bow down to her demands.

I’m surprised people are saying YANBU. OP was naive but went in the understanding that no one would smoke inside where the baby was. She thought they had all agreed.

I think you are in a very difficult position because the in laws do not think they are doing anything wrong. They all think you are crazy. You cannot win . If you stay you are crazy , if you leave you are crazy but at least your baby is not in a house near smoke. As a non smoker, I would leave and stay in a hotel. Never visit their homes again and do not have them to stay in yours. Hotels and outside meets.

But the bonkers thing is that neither you or partner are really putting your child first but continuing your habits. Neither of you are really trying hard enough yourselves.

No one is allowed to smoke around my baby.

BUT I don't go to stay at a chair smokers house and expect them to stop smoking in their house. I wouldn't stay there full stop. There is still smoke in the house from before you got there. They're all covered in smoke. You partner is covered in fag smoke.

I'd hate it but you've put yourself and your baby in that environment

Omg that is SO LONG! I read about a quarter of it but that's enough for me to know yanbu. It's a no brainer.

You have the absolute right to decide where to take your baby, but you have no rights over telling people to how behave in their own house, whatever you think of their habits.😗

Next time, I would say you'd be better to book into a non-smoking hotel, and perhaps go and visit in Summer when there's more chance of being able to sit outdoors when you do see them..

I agree in staying in a hotel is your only option really. I absolutely hate smoking around babies as there’s clear evidence it can contribute to cot death. Do they all know that? How can they just spark up and risk their grandchild? I am an ex smoker and I get it. It’s not nice smoking outside in the winter. But it’s not asking much for a short visit. You can’t tell people what to do in their own homes though if they don’t want to, so better to just stay in a hotel instead

But I am guessing OP and her husband want the free accommodation.

As the OPs boyfriend smokes inside the house and op is very aware and accepting of his smoking, they are not staying in a non smoking house or am I missing something.

Don't be naive and say the boyfriend smokes outside because he smokes indoors too.

YANBU

But iv always been a non smoker so may

Oops I posted too early...

That's a really difficult situation for you as you are spending your holiday with them in their homes and you trusted they would stick to their word about not smoking in front of the baby and they haven't. As you said staying in a hotel doesn't help the fact that you are still around the smoke when around them. At least you know for next time and you can ensure you only meet them in places where your baby will be in a smoke free environment I.e places where smoking is strictly off limits. If they moan that you don't spend time at their houses anymore that's just tough they clearly can't be trusted to respect a reasonable request to go a few hours not smoking around their own GD! Cigarette smoke is so disgusting it's not hard to prioritise a baby for the sake of an evening! Good luck OP.

YANBU to not want people to smoke around your baby, however YABVVU to lay down rules for people to follow in their own homes. Stay in a hotel and meet family elsewhere, alternatively have them come to stay with you and you'll be well within your rights to ask them to go outside

I think you’re being a bit overly anxious which is natural with a new baby, but equally I wouldn’t stay in a house of smokers so lesson learned now you know the grandmother could resume smoking at any time even if she has supposedly given up.
In future, book your own accommodation so you know your baby/child will never have to sleep in a smoky atmosphere. Being in a house with smokers for the odd few hours here and there (once or twice a year) will do her no harm. You can still ask them to smoke in another room or preferably outside (maybe limit visits to warmer weather in future). But at least you have somewhere to escape to if you feel they are pushing your boundaries.

You might have been on the same page when you were at home when all he had to do was smile and nod but the minute someone starts smoking he’s ‘actively’ less vocal but then gets all angry when you get on your case. You both should never had agreed to stay in the first place and that’s not with the benefit of hindsight, I bet the place stinks.

The problem here is you both naively massively underestimated how not onboard with your views they would be, especially when you are the guests. If I was a smoker and someone came to my home, I would expect them to expect that I would smoke in it. You said that the Grandmother stopped smoking but no one in your story, including yourself, have ‘stopped’ smoking.

I understand your frustration but this is what happens when naivety meets intransigence. You always have the option to leave, let your partner clean up the mess that his ‘naivety’ has contributed to.

DP smokes outside at home, even when we both smoked full time we never smoked in the house. He did smoke inside once on this trip in a moment of madness.