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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I miss something? Confirmation fatigue.

94 replies

Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 06:49

Let's say you were a young (20s) student visiting a city to check out possible post-grad programmes. And a friend of yours referred you to one of their friends who lives in that city and has a nice guest room in their flat.

So you make contact with the host, who sends photos of the guest room and says we can also visit markets and park while you're here. Bit of chat over Facebook messenger.

Specific arrival and departure dates agreed, all good.

Would you then wait for the day before and say, "oops I made other plans"?

I'm the host in this scenario and I stupidly took days off work and got food in etc. It's probably just young-person flakiness on her part but I'm wondering if I did something wrong? We had specific dates she was coming. Admittedly we hadn't chatted in the two weeks before she came, but there was nothing really needing to be confirmed.

She still came to the city, just stayed elsewhere.

Were we meant to be chatting every other day or so, saying, "You still coming on 11th? Yes. Still hosting? Yes." Maybe I'm missing something here.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/12/2022 06:51

She was rude but potentially also felt uncomfortable by you forcing yourself on her for activities. I know you were probably being hospitable but that's a lot for someone you don't know who was just visiting a specific place.

Merlott · 15/12/2022 06:52

Maybe she didn't want to stay with someone she doesn't know, when that someone was making all sorts of plans and trying to control their entire visit?!!!!

I'd bet she felt so awkward and socially trapped that she couldn't say no to any of what you were suggesting.

You overstepped, honestly, given this person is a complete stranger to you.

Lesson learned, never give more than you're willing to lose.

HappyKoala56 · 15/12/2022 06:52

Just young person flakiness. Don't read too much into it

Oblomov22 · 15/12/2022 06:56

No. Not flakiness, just out and out right rude. You wouldn't get away with that with a big hotel - you would lose your deposit. For not turning up. Or with a family never: oh Aunty Cecilia did Florence stay last week? No she was texting every day then just never turned up.

Cwcwbird · 15/12/2022 06:56

I don't think you did anything wrong at all, you suggested some places to visit. You didn't send her an itinerary. She should have cancelled the moment she made other plans.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 06:57

She actually asked to see the city a bit, hence my offer of Christmas markets.

OP posts:
Thedoglovesmemore · 15/12/2022 06:59

That is really rude of them. Young person flakiness seems a rubbish excuse when this person is clearly old enough to be travelling alone and doing a post grad. They are an adult.

sounds to be like you were being kind and helpful not at all pushy. You weren’t suggesting sofa cinema nights just presumably showing them the area a bit.

have you mentioned it to the friend who originally mentioned the whole thing?

MRex · 15/12/2022 06:59

I think you may have been a bit pushy on activities to do together, when she just wanted a room to crash in. Immensely rude of her not to cancel in advance though.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 07:01

Yes it could have been shyness or awkwardness, and indeed it might have been more of mutual friend's plan than hers. She probably got an offer to stay from someone she knew better, and then didn't know how to get out of the situation! You're right, I won't read any more into it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 07:02

No, certainly I won't mention to mutual friend!

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 07:05

Hang on some of you, if someone were staying with you and asked to see the city a bit, you'd just be like, "No. Absolutely no activities are available ". Because you wouldn't want to be pushy.

OP posts:
sorrynotathome · 15/12/2022 07:06

Mega rude. But young people do seem to have a need to reconfirm things that have already been confirmed. They expect each other to flake on them so possibly don’t see it as an issue. Still very rude IMO.

WeAreTheHeroes · 15/12/2022 07:08

She's very rude. Use the time off you've booked to do something you really want to do or just have a rest.

Namechangeforthis88 · 15/12/2022 07:12

From your first post it looked like you had gone overboard planning activities, not from your second.

MRex · 15/12/2022 07:14

Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 07:05

Hang on some of you, if someone were staying with you and asked to see the city a bit, you'd just be like, "No. Absolutely no activities are available ". Because you wouldn't want to be pushy.

"I'll take you to X and Y" is a bit demanding. Some people like time on their own, may have other places they want to go to, may have other appointments etc. Suggesting places is great, and offering that you have some free time to show them round if it suits, but usually I'd wait to actually meet someone before trying to block out their calendar with specific activities. Then spend a little time together before adding more activities only if it fits their plans.

panko · 15/12/2022 07:17

I would expect someone looking to complete a post grad qualification to realise they should let you know they aren't coming.

EPFromTheStates · 15/12/2022 07:17

Sounds like young person flakiness, but it's possible that another friend or family member spoke to her about stranger danger and she changed her mind. Or did she end up staying with someone else she didn't know well? 🤔

thelobsterquadrille · 15/12/2022 07:33

Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 07:05

Hang on some of you, if someone were staying with you and asked to see the city a bit, you'd just be like, "No. Absolutely no activities are available ". Because you wouldn't want to be pushy.

I certainly wouldn't make plans to take time off work and show them around, no.

I'd suggest places they could get to easily, or give them a bus timetable, but that's really the extent of it.

I wonder if you came off as a bit intense - booking time off work and getting special food in for a stranger you've never met before is a bit OTT.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 07:34

I definitely didn't plan her visit for her. She mentioned seeing the city and I said, "There are Christmas markets but if they're too crowded for you there is also a nice park." So that was the controlling stifling regime.

OP posts:
LouLou789 · 15/12/2022 07:35

I think this was rude. Personally, I would have messaged the YP 2-3 days before the planned visit (before I got any extra supplies) but if you’re a person who tends to stick to arrangements yourself (as I am) then I can quite see why you didn’t

Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 07:35

She didn't kno

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 07:38

Oops sorry. She didn't know I had taken time off work and I certainly hadn't told her I'd got some guest food in. In fact we hadn't spoken for a couple of weeks.

So if you were hosting a young friend-of-friend and they asked to see the city you'd hand them a bus timetable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 07:40

LouLou789 · 15/12/2022 07:35

I think this was rude. Personally, I would have messaged the YP 2-3 days before the planned visit (before I got any extra supplies) but if you’re a person who tends to stick to arrangements yourself (as I am) then I can quite see why you didn’t

Thanks, I probably should've done that tbf so she'd know she was welcome.

OP posts:
MakkaPakkas · 15/12/2022 07:40

Rude and annoying, but not at all unusual in the age group. Constant confirmation and reconfirmation and other things coming up is a bit of a result of us all being constantly connected (but only by text/photo) on phones/social media

Pictograph · 15/12/2022 07:42

I don't think you did anything wrong. She just got a better offer!!

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