Did I miss something? Confirmation fatigue.

[Coffeetree]

Let's say you were a young (20s) student visiting a city to check out possible post-grad programmes. And a friend of yours referred you to one of their friends who lives in that city and has a nice guest room in their flat.

So you make contact with the host, who sends photos of the guest room and says we can also visit markets and park while you're here. Bit of chat over Facebook messenger.

Specific arrival and departure dates agreed, all good.

Would you then wait for the day before and say, "oops I made other plans"?

I'm the host in this scenario and I stupidly took days off work and got food in etc. It's probably just young-person flakiness on her part but I'm wondering if I did something wrong? We had specific dates she was coming. Admittedly we hadn't chatted in the two weeks before she came, but there was nothing really needing to be confirmed.

She still came to the city, just stayed elsewhere.

Were we meant to be chatting every other day or so, saying, "You still coming on 11th? Yes. Still hosting? Yes." Maybe I'm missing something here.

The YP behaved badly in cancelling at the last minute. I think that you should tell mutual friend your side of the story because YP may repeat this behaviour with other sussing-out-the-PG-programme trips. Mutual friend needs to be given the heads up to prevent further embarrassment.

We only have your side of the story, OP. We don't know if you were being friendly or pushy. But some of the responses on here - jumping down your throat for attempting to be welcoming - might explain why we have a problem with loneliness and isolation at the moment. Since when was trying to be nice A Bad Thing?

To be fair it is AIBU and some of them are just arguing for fun.

Oh my God, I love MN. OP describes some horribly rude behavior and posters scramble to make up reasons why it’s definitely her own fault.

no, OP, it’s not your fault, it’s incredibly rude, inconsiderate and ungrateful behavior from the person in question. Even if you did come across as a bit too keen, and I’m not suggesting that’s the case, it’s still fucking rude not to let you know.

as for young person flakiness: well: it certainly does seem to be a feature of some members of a younger demographic, but I know plenty of older people who are just as bloody bad. I think a lot of it comes from communicating via text and over the Internet, it’s just not as easy to remember that there’s a real person on the end of it. It probably explains why it is a feature often associated with a younger demographic, because they’ve grown up with this impersonal method of communication. I also think people are a bit weird after Covid. I’ve definitely noticed an increase in flakiness across all generations since.

absolute shittiness from the young person in question though OP, no doubt about that. I dread to imagine how some posters on here behave if they think the behavior described in the OP is justified or acceptable.

Yes rude in one way but I do think there is something about one person not giving any thought into something and another seeming to give more thought over it

There is no balance

We can say 'in this scenario this happens and unless you do this that is rude by this establishment list of social etiquette'

But not everyone thinks that way

You are right to be annoyed, however i wouldn't have been taking time off work for someone i don't know. I would have let them do own thing in day and met on an evening for drinks meal out etc

I think it is if you know them - if it's a friend or family, but if it's someone who just needs a bed it's different

Regardless of her reasons for staying elsewhere, she should have let you know as soon as she knew she wasn't coming to you. And if her decision was last minute, she should have been apologetic and acknowledged the inconvenience to you.

Covid is absolutely no excuse!

Probably young person flakiness but since you hadn't chatted for two weeks did you not think to get into contact asking for a confirmation that she was still coming?

Oh my God, I love MN. OP describes some horribly rude behavior and posters scramble to make up reasons why it’s definitely her own fault.

Yep I once posted upset because some random scrap men had seen me sat at my kitchen table eating my lunch and having a phone conversation and walked up to my window and stuck his middle.fingers up at me while laughing. According to some people it was my own fault for being at my kitchen table that looked out onto the street or for being on my phone for some reason. In my own house. I havent bothered asking anything on here since, it's full of lunatics.

Hang on, first the problem was that I was too pushy, and now its that I didn't contact her enough. Lol

No but seriously, there was nothing to confirm but I did wonder if I should have reiterated something like "looking forward to seeing you". She might have felt shy.

Don't you think the onus is on the YP?

Imagine the outrage by the MN mob if OP had dared to impose an "all good? What time does your bus get in?" message on the YP.

Trying to control someone's experience by asking when their bus gets in. Very try-hard and full-on.

This is bollocks. Anyone in their 20s was already an adult by the time covid hit - or very close to being an adult.

Her plans may have just changed, nothing more complicated than that

That just sounds like someone very rude with no manners. It was nice of you to offer to do all that stuff.

@Divebar2021 “Any sensible person knows there are preparations involved in hosting guests… stripping sheets, making up beds, potentially more tidying and cleaning than you may otherwise do. There is a cost in time even if you don’t go to the bother of buying extra bread and milk.“

I disagree. Why would you be stripping sheets for the arrival of a guest? What, you leave the dirty sheets on the spare bed until someone else rocks up 3 months later?
When I host, they get the sofa bed in the loft. The clean bedding is in a drawer beside it. It takes 5 minutes to pull on a sheet, shake out a duvet, plump the pillow. That’s it.
My house is as clean and tidy as I want it to be… nothing extra happens. Not cos I’m show home perfect at all times! Just happy in my own skin. If I had made the bed up before the day my guest was expected, then I’d have wasted 10 mins max.

I’m not disputing some people do more - but I think it’s perfectly reasonable to not think you’ve put your potential host out with advance preparations.

My MIL once had decorators in and bought a new sofa in preparations for a friend from overseas visiting for a few days when over anyway. They cancelled with a week’s notice - genuine reason, their family Business workplace flooded and they didn’t come to the U.K. at all. MIL didn’t speak to her for 3 years 🤣

That's not good enough. You don't unilaterally cancel an agreed plan because something better has come up.

Not everyone has read that disclaimer, some people do, some people don't say please and thank you, somw people don't RSVP

No matter what we think not everyone thinks and acts the same

We can complicate it all we want

Testina · Today 08:46
I don’t think it’s flaky and rude. She wasn’t a no show. She didn’t know you’d bought food and taken time off work. You’re just a friend of a friend who was doing her favour - far from being rude, she’s now (from her pouting of view) just not putting you out. She let you know the day before - that’s not flaky. It only seems flaky to you, because you’d built it into something bigger than she saw it.

god almighty, you don’t think that’s being rude? I dread to think what kind of manners your teaching your kids!!

All those (fucking rudely) saying bollocks to the Covid thing must really have enjoyed reaching adult maturity at 18 and having no formative experiences outside of their family/homes between 18-21 if they think those lock downs have made no difference.

I work with loads of people of this age right now and I'm telling you from my experience they are different from how they were say 5 years ago and previous to that.

You'll see I also said it was rude and the person needs to be told it was rude. It's not an excuse but it is a reason.

I would have done the same as you.

Rude as hell. It's a massive PITA having guests stay, changing bed clothes, coordinating arrival times, checking dietary stuff. You were doing a favour and had been very welcoming and hospitable.

I'd definitely tell the mutual friend.

It's not complicated. Behave badly and you'll find that people won't put themselves out for you. You reap what you sow.

This place is insane. More so than ever. I just think people give an OP a kicking because it makes them feel a bit better/superior that at least they’re not as weak or stupid as an OP, and dress it up as ‘telling it like it is’. It’s weird.

You did nothing wrong @Coffeetree. She got a better offer and it was pretty poor form to give minimal notice. However, at least she wasn’t just a no-show, I suppose. And making some provisions for a house guest is not over the top.