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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I miss something? Confirmation fatigue.

94 replies

Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 06:49

Let's say you were a young (20s) student visiting a city to check out possible post-grad programmes. And a friend of yours referred you to one of their friends who lives in that city and has a nice guest room in their flat.

So you make contact with the host, who sends photos of the guest room and says we can also visit markets and park while you're here. Bit of chat over Facebook messenger.

Specific arrival and departure dates agreed, all good.

Would you then wait for the day before and say, "oops I made other plans"?

I'm the host in this scenario and I stupidly took days off work and got food in etc. It's probably just young-person flakiness on her part but I'm wondering if I did something wrong? We had specific dates she was coming. Admittedly we hadn't chatted in the two weeks before she came, but there was nothing really needing to be confirmed.

She still came to the city, just stayed elsewhere.

Were we meant to be chatting every other day or so, saying, "You still coming on 11th? Yes. Still hosting? Yes." Maybe I'm missing something here.

OP posts:
CinnamonJellyBeans · 15/12/2022 07:44

She was rude. You were very kind to offer to show the key features of your city, knowing that she had a limited time to check them out.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/12/2022 07:44

She was rude and I absolutely would mention the last minute drop out to the mutual friend next time we spoke. I’d also decline to host anyone else they sent in tote direction.

Thingamebobwotsit · 15/12/2022 07:54

You did nothing wrong, were super hospitable and very kind. We host overseas students periodically and offer similar opportunities - unbelievably polite and lovely every single one of them, so it isn't an age thing nor is it you over stepping the mark. Just rudeness and she felt she had a better offer.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 15/12/2022 07:55

Probably just awkward, found someone poss doing the same course and made plans with them

You or I would have messaged the host with a thank you for your generous offer but I have found someone looking at the college at the same time.

Lindy2 · 15/12/2022 08:02

You were doing a nice thing. They were rude.

Unfortunately some people are. I think I'd just message back saying that's fine but it would have been helpful and polite to have let you know the change of plans sooner.

MerryMarigold · 15/12/2022 08:05

YP flakiness seems generous. I would accept that from a teenager, not really early 20s applying to postgrads.

I think she was exceptionally rude, OP and if that were my child I would be monumentally embarrassed.

notanothertakeaway · 15/12/2022 08:28

She was rude not to let you know. For all she knew, you might have turned down other people who wanted to visit that weekend

In your shoes, I wouldn't have taken time off work. And I wouldn't have made plans in advance. I'd probably wait to meet them, see if we get on, and then decide whether to show them round or just tell them where the bus stop is

Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 08:30

I didn't make plans plans, I just kept the days mostly free. But you're right, she'd probably have been a crap guest!

OP posts:
Retrievemysanity · 15/12/2022 08:37

She was rude and you sound lovely. However, she’s young and we learn from our mistakes so personally, I would let the mutual friend know so that the mutual friend is aware (for future favours she might do) and if I was the mutual friend, I would have a word with the post grad about how not to treat people who are helping us out. I doubt the post grad has given any thought to the inconvenience it’s caused you but she should be told so she doesn’t go through life being one of the CF’s we always read about on mumsnet!

Tryfull · 15/12/2022 08:41

Very rude at any age above 10 years old!

Testina · 15/12/2022 08:43

Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 08:30

I didn't make plans plans, I just kept the days mostly free. But you're right, she'd probably have been a crap guest!

You didn’t make “plans plans”, yet you booked more than one day off work for this?! I expect you sis come across as a bit much, even if she didn’t know about the time off. She wanted a place to crash, you wanted to full on host for 2 (?) days. Who takes time off work to take a 20ish year old to a Xmas market and a park?

Testina · 15/12/2022 08:46

I don’t think it’s flaky and rude. She wasn’t a no show. She didn’t know you’d bought food and taken time off work. You’re just a friend of a friend who was doing her favour - far from being rude, she’s now (from her pouting of view) just not putting you out. She let you know the day before - that’s not flaky. It only seems flaky to you, because you’d built it into something bigger than she saw it.

Mardyface · 15/12/2022 08:49

It is rude but this age group have been set back in their development a couple of years by Covid. They are all like it in my (considerable) experience.

So it's not personal but it is rude and they need telling that is rude, if you feel like being generous enough to do that.

Badgirlriri · 15/12/2022 08:50

Testina · 15/12/2022 08:43

You didn’t make “plans plans”, yet you booked more than one day off work for this?! I expect you sis come across as a bit much, even if she didn’t know about the time off. She wanted a place to crash, you wanted to full on host for 2 (?) days. Who takes time off work to take a 20ish year old to a Xmas market and a park?

Show quote history

This. Sorry, but it sounds quite intense.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 08:51

If a guest asks to see the city, I really don't think it's shocking or outrageous to suggest a Christmas market.

If my niece visited an old friend in a sight-seeing city, I'd expect her to be treated like a guest, not a squatter.

But good to know that some people's idea of hosting is handing over a bus timetable. You do you!

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 08:52

Testina · 15/12/2022 08:46

I don’t think it’s flaky and rude. She wasn’t a no show. She didn’t know you’d bought food and taken time off work. You’re just a friend of a friend who was doing her favour - far from being rude, she’s now (from her pouting of view) just not putting you out. She let you know the day before - that’s not flaky. It only seems flaky to you, because you’d built it into something bigger than she saw it.

That's well said, good point.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 15/12/2022 08:53

She let you know the day before - that’s not flaky

The OP isn’t running an Air BnB where you can cancel up to 24hours without charges. Any sensible person knows there are preparations involved in hosting guests… stripping sheets, making up beds, potentially more tidying and cleaning than you may otherwise do. There is a cost in time even if you don’t go to the bother of buying extra bread and milk.
If you should be so kind as to host someone else in the future OP I’d give them some keys and a steer in the right direction for good food etc and let them get on with it.

Flapjackquack · 15/12/2022 08:55

I love that when someone mentions an elderly neighbour they get screamed at for being ageist, and the neighbour being elderly not being relevant.

Yet typical young people, they are all rude, flakey, need constant reassurance etc etc. Piss off.

This woman was rude. Her being young is not a reason for that. She should have said she felt awkward but she probably did. What is there to do in the city doesn’t mean oh please take me to XYZ. Typical older people, so pushy.

OnlyFannys · 15/12/2022 08:56

She was very rude! And you sound lovely op to put yourself out for a stranger. I.hope you still got to enjoy a few solo days leave

Tree543 · 15/12/2022 08:57

She was rude but I'm not sure why you took time off work. She probably just wanted a bed for the night and to do her own thing.

Ofcourseshecan · 15/12/2022 08:59

OnlyFannys · 15/12/2022 08:56

She was very rude! And you sound lovely op to put yourself out for a stranger. I.hope you still got to enjoy a few solo days leave

Yes, YANBU, but turn it into an opportunity and enjoy the Christmas markets!

Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 09:00

Thanks, I actually took advantage of the free weekend and went out of town!

OP posts:
BloodAndFire · 15/12/2022 09:03

Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 08:51

If a guest asks to see the city, I really don't think it's shocking or outrageous to suggest a Christmas market.

If my niece visited an old friend in a sight-seeing city, I'd expect her to be treated like a guest, not a squatter.

But good to know that some people's idea of hosting is handing over a bus timetable. You do you!

Suggesting a Christmas Market is nice. Taking multiple days off work for someone you've never met, to take them around, is a bit odd.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 09:05

I don't know I think keeping a weekend mostly free, when you're expecting a guest, is pretty standard.

OP posts:
pattihews · 15/12/2022 09:07

Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 07:05

Hang on some of you, if someone were staying with you and asked to see the city a bit, you'd just be like, "No. Absolutely no activities are available ". Because you wouldn't want to be pushy.

Ignore the anti-social, inhospitable people here who interpret any attempt to provide information or ideas for guests as being controlling. Mumsnet is a place where half the posters never talk to neighbours or answer the front door bell in case someone intrudes by asking a question, needing help etc.

I would be very happy for my host to suggest the best places in the area to visit while I was staying with them. I'd consider it very strange if they didn't. I want to see the best of an area and they know what that is.