Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I miss something? Confirmation fatigue.

94 replies

Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 06:49

Let's say you were a young (20s) student visiting a city to check out possible post-grad programmes. And a friend of yours referred you to one of their friends who lives in that city and has a nice guest room in their flat.

So you make contact with the host, who sends photos of the guest room and says we can also visit markets and park while you're here. Bit of chat over Facebook messenger.

Specific arrival and departure dates agreed, all good.

Would you then wait for the day before and say, "oops I made other plans"?

I'm the host in this scenario and I stupidly took days off work and got food in etc. It's probably just young-person flakiness on her part but I'm wondering if I did something wrong? We had specific dates she was coming. Admittedly we hadn't chatted in the two weeks before she came, but there was nothing really needing to be confirmed.

She still came to the city, just stayed elsewhere.

Were we meant to be chatting every other day or so, saying, "You still coming on 11th? Yes. Still hosting? Yes." Maybe I'm missing something here.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 15/12/2022 10:51

I don’t know why we’re referring to them as a YP ( young person?). They’re not 16 they must be at least 21 / 22 surely?

thelobsterquadrille · 15/12/2022 10:54

Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 07:38

Oops sorry. She didn't know I had taken time off work and I certainly hadn't told her I'd got some guest food in. In fact we hadn't spoken for a couple of weeks.

So if you were hosting a young friend-of-friend and they asked to see the city you'd hand them a bus timetable?

Well, yes.

I certainly wouldn't take time off work or get special food in for them. I know you didn't tell her you'd done those things, but it reads a bit like you'd built it up in your head to be a bit more than it was.

I think she saw it as somewhere convenient to stay instead of paying for a hotel, whereas you saw it as an opportunity to play host.

She should have given you more notice though.

senua · 15/12/2022 11:16

I certainly wouldn't take time off work or get special food in for them.
Are you saying that you wouldn't feed someone staying at your house?Shock

I think she saw it as somewhere convenient to stay instead of paying for a hotel, whereas you saw it as an opportunity to play host.
In my youth, when hitching a lift was a thing, it was a Rule of the Road that in return for the free ride you chatted to the driver, to lighten his day and pass the time. Similarly, when invited to dinner you were supposed to be an interesting and interested conversationalist.
Why on earth would OP want some unknown treating her as a hotel receptionist? The return 'fee' for a free room is being a pleasant guest. It's not much to ask.

FTY765 · 15/12/2022 11:31

It is rude, I would be annoyed.
A simple message saying "I've found somewhere that works out better for me but thank you for your kind offer", even a few days before is all it would have taken.

thelobsterquadrille · 15/12/2022 12:10

senua · 15/12/2022 11:16

I certainly wouldn't take time off work or get special food in for them.
Are you saying that you wouldn't feed someone staying at your house?Shock

I think she saw it as somewhere convenient to stay instead of paying for a hotel, whereas you saw it as an opportunity to play host.
In my youth, when hitching a lift was a thing, it was a Rule of the Road that in return for the free ride you chatted to the driver, to lighten his day and pass the time. Similarly, when invited to dinner you were supposed to be an interesting and interested conversationalist.
Why on earth would OP want some unknown treating her as a hotel receptionist? The return 'fee' for a free room is being a pleasant guest. It's not much to ask.

I never said I wouldn't feed guests 🙄

But unless they had specific dietary requirements, I wouldn't go out of my way to buy special food, no 🤷🏻‍♀️

thelobsterquadrille · 15/12/2022 12:13

I also never said anything about being treated like a hotel receptionist.

What I'm saying is that I wouldn't expect someone I've never met to want me to take them on days out just because I had offered them a bed for the night.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 12:19

Right, except of course the person did say, "I'd love to see the city. Christmas markets sounds nice".

And socialising is normal.

But I think you know that and you're arguing for fun.

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 15/12/2022 13:02

Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 12:19

Right, except of course the person did say, "I'd love to see the city. Christmas markets sounds nice".

And socialising is normal.

But I think you know that and you're arguing for fun.

Maybe they were being polite.

Personally if I was staying with someone I didn't know, I wouldn't really want to be hosted and short around - I'd rather be left to my own devices than feel pressured into following someone else's schedule.

But I wouldn't be comfortable telling a friend of a friend that, so I'd likely say "sounds lovely" because it's the polite thing to do.

I'm not arguing for fun - I'm giving my views - isn't that what you wanted from your post? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 13:08

Then you likely wouldn't initiate a query of, "I'd live to see the city when I'm there if you have time".

And indeed if you just wanted splendid isolation, you wouldn't stay with a friend of a friend?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/12/2022 13:21

Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 13:08

Then you likely wouldn't initiate a query of, "I'd live to see the city when I'm there if you have time".

And indeed if you just wanted splendid isolation, you wouldn't stay with a friend of a friend?

You keep changing what she actually said though. If she said it as per this quote, you absolutely weren't unreasonable.

If she said it as per your previous quote, you may have overstepped.

BloodAndFire · 15/12/2022 13:22

The thing is, yes, she was rude. But you're also refusing to acknowledge that there's any truth in the alternative viewpoint, which is that it is highly unusual to take multiple days off work (direct quote from your OP) just because a friend of a friend is staying with you.

Of course she should have let you know, but it's also reasonable to think that she probably had no idea at all that you were using multiple days of leave just because a stranger was coming to stay in your spare room for a couple of nights.

I wouldn't have just not turned up, but I also wouldn't have expected anyone to have done that, so it might help you to understand more if you see that point of view.

of course if this is one of those AIBUs where you absolutely don't accept for one moment that you might have done anything at all wrong, then I'm not sure why you posted here.

ADHDeee · 15/12/2022 13:33

first the problem was that I was too pushy, and now its that I didn't contact her enough
Welcome to MN, where you're always in the wrong and everyone is a cunt.

Seriously it's fucking pointless posting on here now for a sensible debate as you can clearly see. Pointless posting for genuine support too as I've recently found out.

NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 15/12/2022 13:34

Who has a guest turn up and tells them to basically fend for themselves in a strange city and an unfamiliar house? Like, no one I know would ever be this fucking rude and unfriendly.

Flapjackquack · 15/12/2022 13:38

NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 15/12/2022 13:34

Who has a guest turn up and tells them to basically fend for themselves in a strange city and an unfamiliar house? Like, no one I know would ever be this fucking rude and unfriendly.

There is somewhere in the middle of leaving them to fend for themselves and taking several days off work and scheduling events. Although it’s hardly fending for yourself in a city in the country you live in. People do go and visit places they haven’t been before and get on just fine…

BloodAndFire · 15/12/2022 13:44

ADHDeee · 15/12/2022 13:33

first the problem was that I was too pushy, and now its that I didn't contact her enough
Welcome to MN, where you're always in the wrong and everyone is a cunt.

Seriously it's fucking pointless posting on here now for a sensible debate as you can clearly see. Pointless posting for genuine support too as I've recently found out.

Lots and lots of posters have said measured, reasonable things, agreeing that the guest was rude not to turn up but also pointing out that the OP's behaviour is also a bit unusual and her guest was probably not expecting her to have done any of that.

No one has called anyone a cunt, I don't think?

burnoutbabe · 15/12/2022 13:46

I don't think I'd be happy with a friend of a friend staying at mine when I was out at work? So I'd either have to Chuck then out at 7.30 or take time off work.

(Different if family, then they could just let themselves out)

Mamoun · 15/12/2022 13:52

Extremely rude and poor mannered not to let you know earlier!

thelobsterquadrille · 15/12/2022 14:07

Coffeetree · 15/12/2022 13:08

Then you likely wouldn't initiate a query of, "I'd live to see the city when I'm there if you have time".

And indeed if you just wanted splendid isolation, you wouldn't stay with a friend of a friend?

You didn't mention that that's what she said in your post.

And again, maybe she felt awkward saying no to staying with you because she didn't want to upset her friend - who clearly thought she was doing you a favour by getting her free accommodation.

It's also nothing to do with wanting "splendid isolation" - I wouldn't want to put a host out and make them feel like they had to pause their life to accommodate me. I'd be happy to do my own thing and sort myself out.

thelobsterquadrille · 15/12/2022 14:16

NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 15/12/2022 13:34

Who has a guest turn up and tells them to basically fend for themselves in a strange city and an unfamiliar house? Like, no one I know would ever be this fucking rude and unfriendly.

There's a middle ground between "leaving someone to fend for themselves" and taking several days off work to accommodate someone you've never met.

I would offer to finish early for their arrival and help them settle in, for example, or ask if there was anything in particular they wanted me to get in - soy milk, for example, or their favourite cereal or sandwich fillers, but I wouldn't book annual leave or buy in special food just because I had a guest staying.

As for leaving them in an unfamiliar city - people travel alone to new places all the time without needing a host to accompany them. I'm sure someone of post-grad age is more than capable of getting around some Christmas markets by themselves!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page