To wonder if we should sleep train for our sanity?

[newmumtopreciousbaby]

I saw the controlled crying thread and some people are so judgmental about sleep training methods, but what if you are worried you are going to go insane or have an accident because you are so tired? Surely then it can be in the baby’s interests?

Our nine month old - previously a brilliant sleeper - is waking about eight times a night after a period of sickness. It’s doesn’t seem to be hunger (has always tanked up before bed), developmental (he barely opens his eyes, cries out in his sleep like he’s having a nightmare, immediately settles with boob, or DH patting/singing). The patting and singing works for me sometimes but he usually ends up in bed with me and wants to use me as a dummy. I think it’s a comfort/separation anxiety thing. He has been in hospital.

Both our mental health is suffering and we are arguing, which I hate, especially in front of the baby. I feel like we are getting there on him settling himself again and night weaning, especially as my husband will take him more soon when he’s off (splitting the nights is what helped the baby learn to sleep before I think).

Do we need to bite the bullet and do cry it out? I don’t really care what people think, as babies need mums who can function most of all. But are we missing something? Do you really need to be able to put your baby down and walk out of the room at bedtime?

At bedtime he goes down easily, sometimes during a feed (I try and pop him off and put him down when he’s still drowsy but awake but it’s hard!), sometimes with a cuddle or a song, sometimes in his bouncer, sometimes just by crashing out. So he’s not dependent on one thing at all.

TL; DR: I’m worried we will go insane from sleep deprivation as baby is waking all night. Should we just do cry it out?

I did and would again, but it's not quite about putting them down and disappearing. Make sure you read up on it and follow a pattern. I completely agree that you need to function and it can reach a point where the fallout from sleep deprivation is a far worse issue than any short term distress. First night, the longest DS cried for was I think 9 minutes. By the third night he slept through. That was a decade ago and he seems pretty ok.

I done sleep training for this reason. I nearly crashed my car with whole family in it because was that tired.

Twins were up and down 20-30 times a night. Every night. Then up for the day at 4am. Was genuinely sooooooo close to a mental breakdown, marriage was on the rocks because of the sleep deprivation.

Sleep trained them about 9-10months. Was the best thing I ever done. They both started sleeping through the night within 3 nights using the disappearing chair method. Would do it again in a heartbeat.

Even that thread doesn’t advocate cry it out. That’s literally leaving your baby to cry until they vomit and/or pass out. If you don’t care what people think I’m not sure why you’re posting asking the question.

Because what people think isn’t the only consideration.
Obviously I am not going to leave my already anxious and unsettled baby to cry until they vomit. But there must be some sort of middle ground! He’s exhausted too.

for me:

Do we need to bite the bullet and do cry it out? No
Do you really need to be able to put your baby down and walk out of the room at bedtime? No. Well I didn't. I was ok to give my children the comfort they were expressing they needed at night. Eventually the stages passed. But everyone is different so just do whatever you want to do. You say you don't care what others think, so just do what you need or want to.

There's loads of middle ground. Google gentle sleep trainign techniques. Even the NHS now recommend gradual retreat rather than elimination methods.

Thank you. Which method did you use?

Thank you. I will look at this method. That sounds so tough. I think 99% of our relationship issues are because lack of sleep makes you short tempered and irrational! It’s causing a lot of tension.

We did it in a fairly firm but gentle way. We were completely shattered by lack of sleep, DH wasn't safe to drive.

The baby in question is now a perfectly happy and well adjusted adult. The response to knowing what we did : "Am I supposed to be, like, damaged by that then?"

Ok thank you. I suppose what I was saying is that I’m not really interested in the sleep training culture wars, I just want to do what’s best for our family as I am on the verge of falling apart and my poor baby is exhausted too.

We did CC at this age with both kids and it worked in a few days. Saved my life.

But isn't it understandable that your baby needs more closeness and reassurance after being unwell and in hospital? Imagine what he would say about the current situation if he could understand and speak. I think sleep training has its place when parents' mood is very affected otherwise, but I don't think I'd consider it at a time when baby had been unwell. His sleep should get better again on its own once he's fully better.

Was your issue also separation/breastfeeding related? I did read this is the prime age for separation anxiety

Well you got to look after yourself too don't you. Sleep is an important factor in that. As I said, take a google or speak to your HV. As I recall they recommend the moving chair technique or whatever it's called now, there are lots of variants of it. Don't let your baby "cry it out" (which as Pp suggested generally means leaving them to cry as long as it takes without offering any comfort), that's pretty mean.

I used sleep training - I don’t regret it - nor do I think it’s barbaric and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

I love my babies and would endlessly cuddle and hold them - but night time is not the time for that, unless there is something wrong. Everyone is happier after a good night’s sleep

He is fully better now, I think he got used to boob/cosleeping for comfort. That’s why we have been comforting him when needed, but we are both so exhausted and fraying at the edges. He seems well and happy in the daytime, albeit very tired. He has bags under his eyes.

I just cosleep. That way nobody is crying and everyone gets plenty of sleep.
Sleep train if you want to, but you definitely don't need to.

Yes I don’t want to do that. Obviously don’t know the proper lingo!

It is. Its' up to you to choose how you need to respond.

Personally I bit the bullet and offered extra closeness and it passed. But only you will know your own limits and what extent of sleep training you are happy with.

Honestly, I wouldn't have posted about this in AIBI because you are not only going to get advice , but you are likely also going to get people telling you it's mean and you will feel rubbish. These things matter so much when you are in the throws of it, and very little when you are not.

I did sleep training with DS, he's now 18.
I didn't do cry it out but it was a controlled crying method where he was left for 1 minute then consoled then 2 minutes then consoled up to a maximum time, I think 5 minutes max. We never got to the max time and he slept through from maybe 3 months old. He was never left, I stayed at his bedroom door.
Obviously it was a long time ago and I don't know what it recommended now.

Cry it out is neglect. It’s abuse. There are plenty of ways to sleep train which aren’t abusive. Controlled crying is not recommended before 12 months but your HV should be able to advise you of suitable methods.

Cosleeping doesn’t lead to better sleep for us unfortunately, he just wants to breastfeed all the time and I can’t relax as I subconsciously think I’ll squash him. It isn’t for us.

That's what I did with my second. We got loads more sleep that way and I didn't need to sleep train (which I didn't feel very happy with for me).

sleep training is not recommended for babies younger than 6 months.

I used controlled crying with both mine at around 10 months. Before that I'd fed to sleep as it worked. When it stopped working we sleep trained.

I'd go in and reassure them with a tummy rub and saying it's ok then leave for 2 mins, repeat the reassurance and leave for 4 mins, then 6,8 10 mins. After that it was 10 min intervals until they went to sleep.

Took between 3 and 4 nights for both and got them off the boob at night time.

No regrets and 2 very happy, well adjusted, attached, wonderful children.