To wonder if we should sleep train for our sanity?

[newmumtopreciousbaby]

I saw the controlled crying thread and some people are so judgmental about sleep training methods, but what if you are worried you are going to go insane or have an accident because you are so tired? Surely then it can be in the baby’s interests?

Our nine month old - previously a brilliant sleeper - is waking about eight times a night after a period of sickness. It’s doesn’t seem to be hunger (has always tanked up before bed), developmental (he barely opens his eyes, cries out in his sleep like he’s having a nightmare, immediately settles with boob, or DH patting/singing). The patting and singing works for me sometimes but he usually ends up in bed with me and wants to use me as a dummy. I think it’s a comfort/separation anxiety thing. He has been in hospital.

Both our mental health is suffering and we are arguing, which I hate, especially in front of the baby. I feel like we are getting there on him settling himself again and night weaning, especially as my husband will take him more soon when he’s off (splitting the nights is what helped the baby learn to sleep before I think).

Do we need to bite the bullet and do cry it out? I don’t really care what people think, as babies need mums who can function most of all. But are we missing something? Do you really need to be able to put your baby down and walk out of the room at bedtime?

At bedtime he goes down easily, sometimes during a feed (I try and pop him off and put him down when he’s still drowsy but awake but it’s hard!), sometimes with a cuddle or a song, sometimes in his bouncer, sometimes just by crashing out. So he’s not dependent on one thing at all.

TL; DR: I’m worried we will go insane from sleep deprivation as baby is waking all night. Should we just do cry it out?

Ps i never got on with pu/pd

I did:

• feed til drowsy but not quite asleep, reduce till you are takimg off breast when they start flutter sucking for comfort rather than for milk
• rock to sleep
• reduce rocking and introduce patting
• pat to sleep
• reduce patting until you can just rest a hand on tummy
• reduce hand on tummy til you can just stand by cot, sing quietly
• stand in doorway singing
• sing in corridor and then go

It was a process over a few weeks, probably 4 weeks.

If you want to try it I suggest getting the Ferber book and reading it, because he outlines more than just 'leave them to cry for 5mins' and you will get more detail than just asking people here.

We did Ferber at 6 months and he cried 20min night one, 11min night two and 5 min night 3. We then got to a few nights of bedtime with no tears. I thought we had absolutely nailed it. Unfortunately I then had an accident and sleep training went out the window for a week or so, when we got back to it he had regressed and we were back to 10+ min of crying which at that point I couldn't handle - for me I had wanted short term pain for long term gain and this was turning into long term pain.

We switched to a fade out method where every 3 nights we got further away from the cot, so first I sat right next to it patting and shushing, then got gradually further away, at ten days we got to the point of me putting him in the cot awake and singing a song at the door, then leaving him. He's been doing that for 2 weeks now and puts himself to sleep then basically sleeps through - the worst nights he wakes maybe 3 times but settles instantly again if I pop the dummy back in. Getting up to sort it takes me less than 30 secs then I'm asleep again.

Ferber also says to night wean before trying to sleep train so your baby isn't settling on the boob/bottle in the night.

Doing it again, I'd probably just do fade out from the start. Good luck with whatever you go with - sleep is so important for both you and baby!

I personally think this is the problem with ‘cry it out’ techniques. At three months old you shouldn’t have been expecting baby to be sleeping through the night. It’s protection from SIDS for them to wake up, it’s natural for them to wake up and they still need night feeds at that point.

If you’re closer to say 18 months, I can get on board with some gentle sleep training. At this point they generally understand what “goodnight” means for a start. Our 20 month old now goes into his cot, has a kiss and I say “goodnight, lay down” and he lies down. I stay by hit cot until he falls asleep, which generally takes about 20 minutes, and then he sleeps through unless he’s poorly. We’ve never implemented any kind of leaving him to cry technique and he woke a lot in the night until he was about 15 months. The only thing we changed when he was 18 months was if he woke or cried we would comfort him in his cot instead of bringing him out for cuddles or into our bed. And it’s worked a treat. You don’t have to implement harsh techniques where you ignore them.

Some people see sleep training as some sort of child abuse that parents selfishly do to benefit themselves. First of all, parents do need sleep and I parented much better when I wasn't a nervous wreck due to sleep deprivation. Secondly, both my children were transformed after they'd learnt to sleep better. They were so, so much happier and their behaviour improved a great deal because they were well rested. No one can tell me that it was cruel! They benefitted greatly.

We got a sleep trainer and used disappearing chair like some PP have mentioned. PM me if you want the details.

But yes some people genuinely dont mind, or can cope ok with lack of sleep. some do mind but martyr themselves. Some like me felt I was ruining my life, my baby woke up every 90 min and after 7 months I was a nervous wreck, had anxiety, and my relationship with my older child was suffering. I never left the house as was too tired and I never wanted to make plans in case I had the opportunity to sleep. I still had some reservations about sleep training but even if it came at a cost, the alternative of carrying on as we were, would have been worse

And people who are against it talk about going against what your child needs...a lot of children with sleep problems have bad sleep habits. There is a difference between a need and a habit. After our child was asleep trained, if they were ill or had a nightmare and were crying we would go in and give them a cuddle and take them in with us if necessary. So they didnt learn 'if you cry no one will come because no one cares'. They learnt to settle themselves to sleep, and we weren't going to respond if they were bored or had a preference to sleep with us...but we were still there if we needed them.

I did it last week! 10 month old DD has gone from 3 solid wakes to feed (including a really long one where she struggled to re settle and needed two feeds with a gap in between at around 5am) to sleeping through to 6am. Once I shunt bedtime later I think I’ll be able to get her to 630/7.

key was getting her off the boob at night. I love Lucy Woolf’s sleep book and night weaning method (night 1 space feeds 4 hours apart, soothe in other ways in between, limit feeds to 10 mins, night 2 6 mins, night 3 3 mins and then no night feeds). Night 3 was the worst for us as she hated me cutting a feed short - cried on and off for an hour with DH and I going in intermittently to soothe, night 4 one 10 minute wake (I didn’t go in) and from night 5 she’s slept through!

also sleep trained my son around the same age using the same method and he’s now a great sleeping toddler who loves a lie in until 9am. I’m of the opinion EVERYONE is happier after good sleep, baby included.

good luck!