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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send my child to rough local secondary

90 replies

BelleMarionette · 13/12/2022 20:48

Local secondary is rough as nails, think stabbings both in and out of it, horrific local pupil behaviour. Results are poor, including both absolute scores and value added. Saying this, while it undersubscribed, some local families do choose it.

My DC's best friend goes there and they wanted to go their too. I said no, and they are taking the bus to a school in a much more affluent area. The pupil behaviour is miles better, as are the exam results and value added. However, they didn't know anyone there.

They are now begging to go to the rough local school. To be with friends, and because of the soft approach of the local school.

It may be snobbery, but the behaviour of the pupils meant I wasn't even willing to view the local school.

Aibu

OP posts:
MrNook · 13/12/2022 20:49

I don't anyone would say YABU

MrNook · 13/12/2022 20:49

doubt*

MarshaBradyo · 13/12/2022 20:51

How long have they been at the school? Ie are they year 7 and still want to move

Brandybucks · 13/12/2022 20:52

Nope I think that is the very definition of reasonable! Id do the same. Can’t you persuade the best friend to move too?

Ballygoforwards · 13/12/2022 20:53

I’d send her to the more affluent school. She’s 11. You’re the parent, you make the decisions.

She’ll make friends quickly enough.

Mosaic123 · 13/12/2022 20:55

My son went to a different school from all his friends, and anyone, from primary school.

He kept quite a few of his old friends and made new ones at the new school.

I told him if he wanted to keep his old friends he needed to make sure he saw them and that it might mean he would need to initiate the contact repeatedly.

As long as they were happy to see him he might have to be the instigator on permanent basis as he was the one that had moved away from the friends.

This plan worked.

Mosaic123 · 13/12/2022 20:56

He is over 30 now and still sees friends from primary and secondary school.

Cherryana · 13/12/2022 20:58

This is when you are the parent with the long view and you trump your child's wishes.

ZenNudist · 13/12/2022 21:01

It's snobbery as you say but nit unreasonable. Please don't call those kids rough. They have poorer backgrounds and lacking in opportunities. They've been raised that way but there's nothing wrong with aspiring for better for your dd

GivenchyDahhling · 13/12/2022 21:02

Nope, absolutely agree with what you’re doing.

What I would say though, is avoid letting DC know your reasons (for now). It could easily be passed on to their friend and be hurtful to the friend and their parents who have made/had no option but to have made that choice.

Goawayangryman · 13/12/2022 21:06

On the face of it, of course YANBU.

But I'd be concerned your child isn't having an ok time at their current school. What do they say about why they don't like it? If it's just (reasonable) stricter rules and the newness of it, then I think that's one to suck up. If it's something more fundamental then that might need more talking....

panko · 13/12/2022 21:08

Better than being stabbed

underneaththeash · 13/12/2022 21:11

ZenNudist · 13/12/2022 21:01

It's snobbery as you say but nit unreasonable. Please don't call those kids rough. They have poorer backgrounds and lacking in opportunities. They've been raised that way but there's nothing wrong with aspiring for better for your dd

It costs nothing to behave and work hard.

Goawayangryman · 13/12/2022 21:14

So how many actual pupils have been stabbed on school grounds?? This is so vanishingly rare ...

Results can also change massively inside a few years. I mean, I wouldn't actively choose a crap school for my kids but equally it isn't good to give them no agency and you need to be sure of your data. When you picked the school in question, the data would have been from 2018 or 2019, or even earlier. Is it still as bad now, in 2022? If so, that isn't good. But schools can and do change. Leadership is everything.

SouperNoodle · 13/12/2022 21:15

YANBU
My DC are 3 and 4 but I already know there's no way in hell I'll send them to our local high school as it's so bad, it's had multiple stories in worldwide papers. (George Takei actually shared an article about said school)

Original poster
BelleMarionette · 13/12/2022 21:24

Goawayangryman · 13/12/2022 21:14

So how many actual pupils have been stabbed on school grounds?? This is so vanishingly rare ...

Results can also change massively inside a few years. I mean, I wouldn't actively choose a crap school for my kids but equally it isn't good to give them no agency and you need to be sure of your data. When you picked the school in question, the data would have been from 2018 or 2019, or even earlier. Is it still as bad now, in 2022? If so, that isn't good. But schools can and do change. Leadership is everything.

Four stabbings have made the national papers, of which one was fatal. This was by the school gates.

Inside the school, there was one non fatal stabbing. Not reported on.

Current pupils have told me of other stabbings that have not been reported on involving pupils.

Yes 2022 results still well below average, as has been the long term trend for this school. It has been renamed but nothing has changed.

OP posts:
name78change · 13/12/2022 21:25

No way. There were 6 schools in our town and I didn't take friends into consideration at all, we talked it through and although it was tricky to start, he didn't know anyone, it's worked out fine.

Probablymagrat · 13/12/2022 21:29

There is a reason children can't make decisions like this, and its up to the parents.

Of course you are not being unreasonable, you are making the best decision for the sake of your child's education and safety. Basically the definition of the job of parent.

You've done well to get him a place at a good school, if its a disaster the rough school will always have a places available.

Original poster
BelleMarionette · 13/12/2022 21:30

Goawayangryman · 13/12/2022 21:06

On the face of it, of course YANBU.

But I'd be concerned your child isn't having an ok time at their current school. What do they say about why they don't like it? If it's just (reasonable) stricter rules and the newness of it, then I think that's one to suck up. If it's something more fundamental then that might need more talking....

The rules are strict, and a reasonable amount of homework plus high academic expectations. They are very intelligent so I think the high behavioural expectations are good, but they were used to coasting in primary, so it's a bit of a shock.

OP posts:
RambamThankyouMam · 13/12/2022 21:31

MrNook · 13/12/2022 20:49

I don't anyone would say YABU

Oh there'll be someone who will! Bleeding-heart liberal sorts who wouldn't dream of sending their Imogen there, but expect others to!

Eatdrinkanddrink · 13/12/2022 21:32

My son started at the local secondary school. A mix really of kids from good and bad neighbourhoods. Not saying for all the school, but the kids in my sons class who cause the disruption and are little idiots all came from the posh housing estates, the follow school from the nice area.

DrCoconut · 13/12/2022 21:33

The affluence (or lack of) of the area is not necessarily a factor in how good a school is. I take DS3 to a primary school that is out of catchment for us and in one of the town's worst areas because it is an excellent school. He was lucky to get in as they are always oversubscribed. Our local schools are awful and I refused to send DS2 to secondary nearby. Again, I drive him to a better school further away. DS1 had a horrific time at the local school before I could drive. There are no school buses here unless you meet the criteria for school transport (SEN, live miles away from any school etc) so you have to get your kids to where they go. YANBU to avoid a bad school but you may be a little U to assume that a "posher" school will be good.

AliceMcK · 13/12/2022 21:43

I have made the same decision, I will not be sending my DD to the local school, it is absolutely feral. New HT has been brought in to try and fix it, but I doubt there will be any change for a long time, if at all. Im saying this as someone who grew up in rough areas and went to rough schools, fighting was just normal and happened every week. I was also the only one from my primary that went to the “posher” high school, which was just as bad as the ones my friends went to, just had a few more mc families.

MardyMincepie · 13/12/2022 22:06

DS secondary was a bit rough but stabbings are next level rough so I would have said no.

NEmama · 13/12/2022 22:20

Just because you want your DC to go to the "better" school doesn't mean you will definitely get a place .
Yanbu for preferring the one you like better.