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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send my child to rough local secondary

90 replies

BelleMarionette · 13/12/2022 20:48

Local secondary is rough as nails, think stabbings both in and out of it, horrific local pupil behaviour. Results are poor, including both absolute scores and value added. Saying this, while it undersubscribed, some local families do choose it.

My DC's best friend goes there and they wanted to go their too. I said no, and they are taking the bus to a school in a much more affluent area. The pupil behaviour is miles better, as are the exam results and value added. However, they didn't know anyone there.

They are now begging to go to the rough local school. To be with friends, and because of the soft approach of the local school.

It may be snobbery, but the behaviour of the pupils meant I wasn't even willing to view the local school.

Aibu

OP posts:
daffodilandtulip · 14/12/2022 07:24

I had similar situation with DN and DD. I chose the "better" school for DD. DD is now headed for Cambridge, DN didn't pass any exams...

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/12/2022 07:32

Snobbery has nothing to do with it, from your description it’s a bad school.

Make sure your child is as supported as possible in their new school - talk to the school if necessary. It’s not unusual for some kids to find the transition to secondary hard.

Focus on figuring out what your child needs to settle in. Be clear the local school is not an option.

THisbackwithavengeance · 14/12/2022 07:49

Well obviously YANBU. Why would you even ask? The issue is, will your DD be able to get into the better school if she's out of the area. Round here, if you don't live in certain areas, you've no chance of getting your kid into the top school

Coatdegroan · 14/12/2022 07:51

It's a shame not to even look round it.

maranella · 14/12/2022 07:57

Give your DC time to settle into their new school OP. Moving to secondary, especially when going to a school where they know no one, is a big move and they need time to adjust. My DS left the school where all his friends were and it was tough for him to start with, but he loves it now and we have absolutely no regrets. We chose the right school for him and time has demonstrated how right we were to do that. Have the courage of your convictions, listen to your DC, but talk to him/her about why you chose the school they're at and stick with it.

Bunchymcbunchface · 14/12/2022 08:00

YANBU.
sent my son to an out of county school.
I felt it was much better than the local schools.

FearofQueefing · 14/12/2022 08:04

In general I tend to roll my eyes a bit at parents who want to send their kids to school in 'more affluent areas' but in this case you are NBU. Stabbings would be an absolute line in the sand for me....

Untitledsquatboulder · 14/12/2022 08:06

We made a similar decision based on quality of education offered (our local school wasn't even that rough) and I've never regretted it. It did take them a while to settle and make new friends but they did and dc1 recently decided to stay for 6th form.

bigbluebus · 14/12/2022 08:13

As long as there's no evidence of bullying at current school it would be a definite 'no' from me.
You need to tell your DC that it's not up for discussion - outlining the reasons why - and tell them to focus on making friends at the current school and maintaining friendships with those who went to the failing school outside of school if they so wish.

CharityShopChic · 14/12/2022 08:13

Coatdegroan · 14/12/2022 07:51

It's a shame not to even look round it.

Read again - the child has already started at the "better" school.

But leaving that aside, why is it a "shame" not to look around it? Why would OP waste everyone's time looking around a school she has no intention of sending her child to?

SinnerBoy · 14/12/2022 08:15

CoffeeLover90 · Yesterday 22:52

You haven't mentioned your DD age but I'm assuming she's year 7. I was a kid that didn't get sent to the local rough secondary.

I got sent to a school 8 miles away, none of my real friends went. There were six kids from our school and with 150 kids in the high school year group, none of us in the same class. Most of us got bullied, as the other kids were local and had come up together.

The school had good results and better facilities, but it was probably rougher than the one close to us. Fights almost every day and no dealing with bullies. At 12, I was knocked out by a huge 17 year old and bit almost through my cheek.

He had to apologise to me and I had to apologise for provoking him. Quite how, I don't know. My dad reckons that someone dared him to hit the first person to come through the door.

sashh · 14/12/2022 08:33

I was sent to the school know locally for good behaviour, strict rules and good results.

I can out with a string of qualifications, no self esteem and no life skills.

SinnerBoy · 14/12/2022 08:36

Anyway, BelleMarionette if it's a better school, why not?

ScarlettSunset · 14/12/2022 08:37

I think if your child wants to go to that school, you should let them. He could just as easily be bullied and miserable and do badly at the other school and he'll also be resentful of the journey when he could have been nearby.
My son chose the rough local school (with very much a similar reputation to the one you are describing) that most people tried to actively avoid, and he absolutely thrived there. Made amazing friends (that he's still friends with as an adult) and got fantastic grades (as did his friend group). I did however, make sure I was actively involved with the school, and didn't just send him in and expect the teachers to do everything without me supporting him fully.

HelenHywater · 14/12/2022 08:43

Well I would say you're a bit unreasonable to say that without even looking at the school. But I didn't take friends into consideration when choosing my dcs schools (I did view all of the schools though...).

But it's more worrying that your dc is a term in and is still hankering after moving to the other school. I'd say you need to do some work to help them settle into the new school and focus on this for the next term.

Itsoktogiveup · 14/12/2022 08:45

Yanbu. Your child is too innocent to understand the lifelong consequences of going to the rough school. As the adult you owe it to her to insist on the best path. If she’s angry with you for a while, so be it. She’ll thank you when she’s older!!

Untitledsquatboulder · 14/12/2022 08:59

sashh · 14/12/2022 08:33

I was sent to the school know locally for good behaviour, strict rules and good results.

I can out with a string of qualifications, no self esteem and no life skills.

That's sad but I'm not sure how it relates to this thread. Perhaps you think your life would have been better if you'd come put w no qualifications as well as no life skills and no self esteem ?

BrassyLocks · 14/12/2022 09:23

@sashh I know exactly what you mean. Same applies to me. Yet I would do the same for my DS, and just work a little harder with him on the self esteem side. I think boys schools do better with that anyway (least, that was the case when I was at school). The alternative is too much of a risk if one's child is a bit lazy and easily influenced.

However, I would at least visit a 'bad' school. Too often 'outstanding' schools turn out to be terrible, and vice versa.

Original poster
BelleMarionette · 14/12/2022 09:45

The AIBU is whether I am unreasonable to discount the local school based on the pupil behaviour, results and stabbings, without even viewing it?

Surprisingly, some middle class families do choose it. Or at least pretend they do, as there aren't a lot of other options for boys in the area. They try and promote it, for the 'strength in numbers' as someone else said. I spoke to a mum who was very keen to promote it, and reading between the lines of what she said, her child was happy, but behaviour was terrible and there was low academic expectations. Setting isn't possible due to behaviour.

I do also feel guilt about separating dc from their friends. They are generally happy at the current school, but annoyed at the strict rules and a bit shocked by the amount of homework and academic expectations. They are however intelligent (greater depth all round on sats) and I believe an academic environment suits them. Though currently they would probably rather coast at the local school.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleMarionette · 14/12/2022 09:48

Also, no it's not west Yorkshire. Rather inner city London with gangs aplenty. I have heard hair raising stories of exploitation by gangs of children in the school (drug running and sexual)

OP posts:
AngelaBrazilNuts · 14/12/2022 10:03

You're the parent-what you say goes.

Don't enter into any discussions about it with your child and nor would I give him the option of moving in a year if he doesn't like it. That will stop him making an effort to settle in, as he will think he will be leaving anyway.

Just shut your ears to his complaints and the sooner he knows that they are falling on rocky ground, the more settled he will be.

He can choose the colour of his bedroom walls if he wants a say in something but in this, his opinion is of no consequence.

yoshiblue · 14/12/2022 10:09

Sorry, stabbing is a hard line and I wouldn't send my child there!

Agree with others saying moving to secondary is a big step. I'd say they need a year to settle and tell them no further conversation about it until Summer

Original poster
BelleMarionette · 14/12/2022 12:20

Great, this is surprisingly unanimous. I haven't offered an option to change, and won't do.

OP posts:
NewToWoo · 14/12/2022 12:22

ZenNudist · 13/12/2022 21:01

It's snobbery as you say but nit unreasonable. Please don't call those kids rough. They have poorer backgrounds and lacking in opportunities. They've been raised that way but there's nothing wrong with aspiring for better for your dd

It's not snobbery to avoid children who stab. It's basic parenting. Nor is it incorrect to call them rough. They clearly have troubled backgrounds but they're not misguided angels if they stab fellow pupils.

BogRollBOGOF · 14/12/2022 13:07

DS (y7) hasn't followed the main pack of his classmates to the usual local school. It's not having a great phase (but not on the scale of OP's local) and has been put through a few MATs in recent years and is in another bedding in stage with the latest one. His friend followed their sibling there so it was clear that there would be a parting of the ways. While I knew DS would find transition difficult and indeed, he has no friends yet, it wasn't the most influential factor of choosing a school. Friendships shift through y7 & y8 anyway and going to a school with good pastoral support and a positive culture of learning came first.

We've been discussing DS's issues with the pastoral team to help a long term improvement, but it can't be an instant fix. Changing schools often isn't an instant fix either.