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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m not sending Christmas cards this year, I’m donating to charity

160 replies

UseAMuckySock · 13/12/2022 20:30

Why is everyone announcing this on Facebook lately? Are we supposed to tell them how amazing and thoughtful they are?

OP posts:
wandared · 14/12/2022 09:20

clarrylove · 14/12/2022 09:11

I don't like the linking of the two things. Give to charity by all means. But why give up sending a card to your friends/family to do so? Why not sacrifice something that benefits you (rather than your friend/family) if it is that important to you.

It's like the charity gifts thing where people unanimously decide, instead of giving you something, they're giving that money to charity instead. If they want to give to charity, they should do so with their gifts/own money, not some else's.

Yes. I think people should tell their friends/ family 'Don't get me a Christmas card/ gift this year - I'd love you to donate some money to charity instead'.

Sacrifice your own gifts/ cards for the cause you so believe in.

ohioriver · 14/12/2022 09:22

I do tell people not to send me cards. No one does.

I only get gifts from my kids and my partner. And I only give to my kids and my partner.

rippleraspberry · 14/12/2022 09:23

ohioriver · 14/12/2022 09:20

I used to send cards though until my mum died so I say it's in lieu of cards because that's where the money comes from. It's what I used to use to send the cards with.

You just said you wouldn't send Christmas cards anyway. If you wouldn't send them anyway then it's not in lieu of cards, it's just a Christmas donation.

Anyway, it's nicer to just announce a Christmas donation rather than tell people you are sacrificing something you would have otherwise got them.

Fizbosshoes · 14/12/2022 09:25

I usually write happy Christmas to everyone on fb and tell them I haven't sent cards because I'm really disorganised! Is that OK?

ohioriver · 14/12/2022 09:26

Do people really view this as me sacrificing something I would've got them? I'm autistic and I don't see a card that way. I would if it was a gift but I just don't see a card that way.

I'm more disabled now than I used to be so I'd have to print cards if I was writing more than a few. I suppose id do moonpig or similar.

I really just want to remember my mum and so that people understand why I don't and won't be sending cards. And I don't want to post a self pitying I have arthritis and I can't hold a pen for any length of time post.

I actually thought it was a nice thing to do. But I'm ND.

Applecottagetree · 14/12/2022 09:27

Yup don't get it either? Why can't people do both? And boasting about a stingy charity donation on social is cringe worthy.

ohioriver · 14/12/2022 09:27

Is £50 really considered stingy?

KimberleyClark · 14/12/2022 09:28

Fizbosshoes · 14/12/2022 09:25

I usually write happy Christmas to everyone on fb and tell them I haven't sent cards because I'm really disorganised! Is that OK?

I think that’s fine and honest.

I’ve had a couple of people on FB announce they are donating to the local food bank instead of sending cards, I’ve no problem with that if they just also owned the fact they can’t be arsed to write them I’d respect them more.

Darcy101 · 14/12/2022 09:30

ohioriver · 13/12/2022 20:35

I do it in memory of my mum to a charity related to what she died of. As I said on the last thread like this, it's a way for me to keep her memory alive. She's further away every year and more and more has happened and she's fading and I miss her so so much. Especially at Christmas. She never knew my partner and I've friends now who never knew her and it always sparks reminiscences and makes me emotional.

I donate the value of what cards and postage would cost.

❤️

phoenixrosehere · 14/12/2022 09:31

ohioriver · 14/12/2022 09:12

But I do message people and contact them - separately - either by text, phone call or visit.

And I don't just post "I'm donating to charity" - I've actually posted what I put this year further up the thread. I do that to specifically make it about me donating to my mum's memory. I wouldn't be sending cards anyway and I just want to keep her alive even only in reflection and only on that one day that I post that. I don't post on her birthday or on the anniversary of her death because those are days that hurt me to the bone. I couldn't post those days.

I'm honestly not doing it to be I am the great I am or anything. I'm doing it because I want people to remember her. It usually prompts some sort of post of recollection from someone and that gives me great comfort. I miss her so so much and she's so far away now from what is happening and has happened. I like to think she would be proud of me if she knew how things were.

I'll stop though. I won't do it again. I didn't realise it was pissing people off so much. ASD strikes again and I get it wrong.

Show quote history

Don’t ohioriver..

It’s your Facebook page and you can do whatever you want on it. If people have an issue with it they can be mature keep scrolling Let them be petty and childish. Messages like yours remind me that I’m lucky that I still have my parents around and my children their grandparents.

Many of us rather have actual time spent passing messages, calling or seeing each other than a piece of card.

Continue doing what you’re doing in your mother’s memory.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 14/12/2022 09:33

yanbu op. Though I got flamed before in a previous year on a similat thread by plenty of mumsnetters who are keen to defend themselves, hating to see how they are perceived, but you can't flame someone into agreeing with you.

it's great to give to charity, and a lot of us do.

giving to charity is a totally different act from putting attention into our human relationships. we all have a range of different people in our lives who we might interact with to very different degrees. maybe you don't "need" to send a Christmas card to the ones you talk to regularly and don't actually care about the ones you barely see and don't feel the need to say happy Christmas to them, but I feel that cards from dozens of friends and relatives is an intrinsic part of a sitting room decorated for Christmas and it would be bleak and depressing not to have these colourful goodwishes.

but if you aren't going to send something on paper, then it would be a much more appropriate substitution to organise a zoom linkup with each person you would otherwise have sent a card to, in order to say happy christmas personally. obviously hardly anyone does that - it would be great if they did as that would be more inclusive of those who genuinely couldn't afford a stamp per family member/friend as opposed to those claiming they are giving the same money to charity. But these blanket announcements on Facebook simply mean "I have no interest in whether or not you have a happy christmas or in maintaining individual contact with you". They are in the same category as, albeit actually worse than "charity gifts" where you pretend that your charity donation is actually a gift for someone else (fine if they ask for it, not fine to choose if unasked) but at least the 'gifts' are something done on an individual basis so have a tiny amount of thought included. a Christmas card "donation" can be done without even a moment's thought about the people who thought that you mattered to each other.

thecatsthecats · 14/12/2022 09:36

I work for a charity, and the absolute PITA types to deal with are the people who have weird conceptions about what constitutes a charitable act and whether or not you should talk about it.

Always hoity-toity know-nothings who baulk at actually doing anything.

Never had any trouble from those who post about their charitable deeds, or from the service users.

But people who think that you shouldn't give charity gifts, shouldn't post about it etc - utter weirdos who harangue you endlessly for not fulfilling their vision of what charity is.

ohioriver · 14/12/2022 09:38

a Christmas card "donation" can be done without even a moment's thought about the people who thought that you mattered to each other.

This is so far from what I do it's not something I recognise at all

ohioriver · 14/12/2022 09:41

but if you aren't going to send something on paper, then it would be a much more appropriate substitution to organise a zoom linkup with each person you would otherwise have sent a card to, in order to say happy christmas personally.

I don't do zooms but I do FaceTime or what's app video call, or just a call or go and visit. To every person I'd have sent a card to. I never did send cards to hordes of people anyway (I struggle with knowing what to write) and I couldn't write a box of cards now anyway, but I do phone or video call people or go to see them

I get that I'm doing it wrong. Message received and understood.

phoenixrosehere · 14/12/2022 09:52

thecatsthecats · 14/12/2022 09:36

I work for a charity, and the absolute PITA types to deal with are the people who have weird conceptions about what constitutes a charitable act and whether or not you should talk about it.

Always hoity-toity know-nothings who baulk at actually doing anything.

Never had any trouble from those who post about their charitable deeds, or from the service users.

But people who think that you shouldn't give charity gifts, shouldn't post about it etc - utter weirdos who harangue you endlessly for not fulfilling their vision of what charity is.

I agree.

If it leads to more people donating and awareness of different charities, why be annoyed or upset because you didn’t get a card. From the way some people act when they don’t get one, can’t blame some from not wanting to tell certain people in person.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 14/12/2022 09:54

you are ok @ohioriver and I don't think you personally have been doing anything wrong. remember the OP wasn't about you, and neither was my reply to it. I agree that your over-all activity that you've described in your various posts is very different from what the OP and I are talking about. there are people who do a single "not doing cards" social media post and don't actually bother with anyone except those they actually see and exchange gifts with. that's the category we are talking about, and that's not you, obviously. I don't think you need to change what you do as those who are close enough to you that they might otherwise have expected a card clearly know that you care about them and appreciate what you do.

edwinbear · 14/12/2022 10:05

It doesn't bother me so much, I just make a note of the people who publicly announce they can't be bothered to send cards and cross them off my Christmas card list. Saves me time and money.

ohioriver · 14/12/2022 10:06

Where is the op anyway?

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 14/12/2022 10:19

I don't see the need for the "...making a donation instead" posts. Smacks of "please like me". Send, or don't send - it's a free choice, make your peace with it.
I do send Christmas cards and know it's outdated, but I don't really do social media and like more distant friends and family to know I'm thinking of them. A personal Christmas text from someone is just as lovely to receive and serves the same purpose, but a generic "merry Christmas y'all" on socials is a bit why bother?

Picklypickles · 14/12/2022 10:38

I've only done cards for mine and dp's close family this year, not bothered with extended family or friends at all and I'm not donating anything extra to charity either (I already support a charity with monthly donations all year round) and I don't feel the need to announce my decision to anyone.

DocMarteens · 14/12/2022 10:44

Years ago when I used to get Xmas cards I would put the message on my social media so people knew not to expect a card from me. And I was happy to donate that money to charity.

Now I don't receive as many cards, I don't put the message up and still donate that card and postage money to charity.

Also privately donate throughout the year.

I don't know why there's negativity about this

thecatsthecats · 14/12/2022 11:22

DocMarteens · 14/12/2022 10:44

Years ago when I used to get Xmas cards I would put the message on my social media so people knew not to expect a card from me. And I was happy to donate that money to charity.

Now I don't receive as many cards, I don't put the message up and still donate that card and postage money to charity.

Also privately donate throughout the year.

I don't know why there's negativity about this

I sort of imagine that the same people who care about this are the same people anxiously tallying up who they have/haven't received a card from, as if it really matters.

If you need an annual card exchange to judge whether or not you're friends with someone, you have bigger problems.

Nomorescreentime · 14/12/2022 11:38

I’m not a fan of Christmas cards, I am a fan of people donating to charity. So I have no problem with this at all and there are far worse things to get annoyed about.

Flapjackquack · 14/12/2022 11:45

thecatsthecats · 14/12/2022 11:22

I sort of imagine that the same people who care about this are the same people anxiously tallying up who they have/haven't received a card from, as if it really matters.

If you need an annual card exchange to judge whether or not you're friends with someone, you have bigger problems.

Show quote history

You can simultaneously not care about Christmas cards, volunteer/donate to charity yourself, and roll your eyes at people who feel the need to tell everyone about their charity donations.

Livinginanotherworld · 14/12/2022 11:49

Hate it ! Give to charity without announcing it. Send Christmas cards or don’t.
Two different situations.