To think controlled crying is cruel

[KazMa]

DH would like to try controlled crying/sleep training but I am totally against any sort of crying/leaving DS on his own upset. Any advice?

Here is current scenario:

DS just turned 7 months old and we have been co sleeping since the dreaded 4 month sleep regression, he also breastfeeds to sleep - will go to sleep without it but needs a lot of patting, rocking and walking around so it’s easier just to BF.

For a month now I am able to BF to sleep and then leave him in his cot in his own room for nap times and he will sleep 45mins to an hour per nap (3x per day).

At night however he will wake up and only go back to sleep if he is laying & feeding next to me in my bed. (Eg, bedtime at 8pm but he’ll wake at 8:45 and won’t go back to sleep.

I see that said a lot but we went from a baby who would wake the second she was put down to one who stays asleep for a few hours until her next feed. I was very worried she'd be awake and just not calling for us but we have a video monitor and I can see that she is asleep. We check on her regularly and she is asleep. She cries when she wakes, and I feed her then. She doesn't wake and stay quiet - I've spent hours watching the video monitor to make sure.

No one who advocates the CC method would leave him crying from a nightmare, though would they?

So much hysteria over a very old sleep training method, not CIO but CC which is very different and far from being cruel, is a great act of kindness to the baby and to the family. Exhausted babies are fractious and so are parents

Of course I went to my children if they had a nightmare, were ill, whatever. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous. I still get up if the oldest adult child is having a hypo for goodness sake.

We know that children learn not to call out when they know nobody will come. That's established fact so way more likely what is going on here.

Do we?
Mine needed minimal sleep training , we had a great routine and they slept well.
We're they just pretending to be asleep then 😂
Absolutely batshit!

I don't know what you mean by "minimal" sleep training but maybe they learned it developmentally? If you didn't really train them? As all children do in their own time.

@minimarshmallowsmore I know parents up with seven-year-olds every night. How long do you leave for them to learn developmentally?

Just a good routine, bath, bed, story and then tucked in, return and settle if needed but they stayed in bed.
Rinse and repeat.

Not all children do learn it on their own time as evidenced by the sleep threads!

I wish I knew. My 4 year old wakes up a couple times a night and wants to be sang to. Which me and my OH take turns with. I don't know how long she'll do it for. But two nights ago when I went to her in the night she said "I know you love me mummy because you always come when I shout for you". I'm glad I've made that choice to give her comfort for all these years and I'll do it until she is ready for me to stop.

Well they do, eventually. Your kids did it early. Others might take years.

Please point us to all the adults who still need to BF to sleep because they !never learnt to sleep on their own".

@minimarshmallowsmore Glad you are happy about what you do. Personally I would not be getting up in the night to sing to a four year old.

This is really interesting. Your dw seemed to want to do the attachment parenting thing but also wanted 3 nights away from dd. What did she think would happen? Or was she just not bothered as she didn't have to be there to witness it? I agree with you, I think it's cruel to instil that level of dependence in a child if you're not going to commit to being there 100% of the time to soothe them which isn't always possible for a number of reasons - other dc, work, just wanting some independence.

Incorrect, it teaches them that when they do wake up, they’re still in the same place they went to sleep in and that they’re safe and can go back to sleep

This is sweet. My 5 yo (who incidentally slept very well as a baby) wakes up most nighs and comes and sleeps with me. He has almostly nightly nightmares, and it's not an issue for me.

The thing is that lack of sleep and not waking at night can be a HUGE issue. It can have serious consequences or even "just" make you plain miserable. It's not all sweetness and lullabies.

They probably take years because of inconsistent parenting.
Every sensible non drama llama parent I know who had a consistent bed time routine had DC who slept.
It's not rocket science.

Because they were permanently cranky from not getting enough deep sleep? Because if one woke up, she'd wake up her sister who was sleeping? Because there were two adults both working long shifts around them who needed to sleep as well?

Tbh, I didn't attach electrodes to my heads so you might just have to trust that I know my own children are sleeping by the heavy breathing patterns, slight snoring sounds, the fact that they didn't respond tome and their father trying and failing to get dressed and or make a cup of tea in silence a couple of metres from them, and the fact that they suddenly went from being cranky and frustrated around the clock from exhaustion to happy, well rested, contented babies.

I've always used a very consistent bedtime routine. And very consistent parenting. It involves soothing to sleep and always coming when called.

I knew someone who was getting up in the night and making her 7 year old a piece of toast because she would call out for that! It only stopped when her sister was born. Sorry but I wouldn't be going along with that! It was a habit the LO had got into, most waking up is a habit. If an adult gets into the habit of waking early for work it often carries on even after retirement. Don't most of us want to encourage good habits? As far as I am concerned sleep training reinforces good habits.

Which is exactly what I and every other parent did.
But they stayed in bed,no rocking, jiggling,pacing.

At this stage no one is listening, we may have to agree to disagree, but I’d love to see more tolerance to parents’ individual choices 🤷🏻‍♀️

OK so it's cruel to let a 7 month baby do controlled crying but what about an 18 month old? I've had very little sleep for 18 months now because my ds is a bad sleeper. He too is breastfed and just so I could get some sleep have been co sleeping with him when he wakes in the middle of the night. However we are now at the stage where it is habit for him and he doesn't sleep through.
I sm starting controlled crying because quite frankly I've had enough of not sleeping and it impacting my work and health.

OK so it's cruel to let a 7 month baby do controlled crying but what about an 18 month old

It’s fine at 18 months too.

Well done for sucessfully training yours to sleep. Some kids take time, no matter what parents do.

Also I am not sure consistent bedtime = sleep training. We have always done the former, but not the latter.

Thanks

I did a type of rapid return, repeat settling,call it sleep training ? Probably?!

Babies are physically able to self soothe. As is demonstrated by those who have sleep trained. That is teaching babies to self soothe. It doesn't mean they don't cry at other times when they need something, feel poorly etc. It literally teaches them to join their sleep cycles up without someone sticking something in their mouth etc.

I always find it interesting on these threads that people think it's cruel to sleep train but it's ok to not help a baby learn how to have decent sleeps and not be massively overtired. And at what stage or age will you help them to do this?