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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my boss is over reacting over non-attendance at Christmas party.

121 replies

NickD87 · 12/12/2022 21:58

I work remotely about 100 miles from my office. It’s a small charity (about 15 staff) and the CEO has been there for 30 years. Pretty old school.

I go into the office every couple of weeks.

This Wednesday is our office Christmas party. The CEO hasn’t really spoken about much else for the past few weeks and it’s been a bit of a bore. Essentially, it’s a dinner in the office, a cake decorating competition and then a quiz….

Anyway, my car stopped working on Friday afternoon. Tried everything I could to get it sorted. Sunday I paid a weekend rate for a call-out (£180 for basically some diagnostics) and only managed to find a garage who can take it at short notice today. It needs a lot of work with some critical electrical faults and is essentially quite dangerous to drive at the moment. The only day I can get it sorted is Christmas ‘party’ day.

I called her to explain, on speakerphone as I was working and husband was working in the same room.

At first she literally just kept giving grunts and then went on about how this was a very important event and I should make every effort to be there. She asked if I could get a train instead, but there is a strike on. She then gave a veiled threat that this wouldn’t look good to the rest of the team - or my upcoming annual 1-2-1. She then said I’d “had fucking days to get this sorted” (although I had spent all day Friday trying to fix the issue and then got a weekend mechanic out).

She calmed down once I got quite assertive with her, but even my husband was shocked at how emotional she got. It was really out of proportion.

I get that ‘team building’ etc is important, but she made me feel like I was doing this all on purpose to avoid going.

By the way, she also knows I have a family funeral this week - so that’ll also be difficult without a car! Yet this all seems more important to her…

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 13/12/2022 08:41

I work remotely for a small charity. If my boss spoke to me like that, I would immediately be checking our grievance policy and reporting it to our trustees.

Original poster
NickD87 · 13/12/2022 08:43

RoseMadderAsHell · 13/12/2022 08:36

When my car had to go for repair it never occurred to me that it was employers responsibility to get me to work.
I hired a car.

The difference being I’m a contracted remote worker who lives 100 miles away from the office (each way).

I have looked into this option. The cheapest way would be to hire a car, but I would need to pick it up the day before and drop it off the day after due to timings. That would be £150. Plus the £50(ish) in petrol makes £200 a very expensive day to get to work for something that, in reality, is a bit of a ‘fun’….especially at Christmas and when you’re already expecting another rather large unexpected bill.

OP posts:
Spanglemum · 13/12/2022 08:52

Does the charity have Trustees? I would contact them. I would also email her back with a summary of the conversation and the attempts you've made to sort out your car, and explain that you don't want to be sworn at.

I'd also be looking for another job.

unpocamasporfavor · 13/12/2022 09:01

RoseMadderAsHell · 13/12/2022 08:36

When my car had to go for repair it never occurred to me that it was employers responsibility to get me to work.
I hired a car.

What a ridiculous comment! The OP Yang asking for them to sort it out for her, she WFH. The boss is throwing her toys out of the pram and bring completely unreasonable about the office party!

Piffpaffpoff · 13/12/2022 09:03

Email her with the following. Gets it on record that she behaved badly and proactively offers her a solution if she really wants you there. Then start looking for another job because she’s never going to change.

Hi
This email is following up on our call yesterday, where I explained that due to unexpected circumstances, I would be unable to attend the Christmas party.

Firstly, whilst I understand your frustration at the situation, swearing at me (“you’ve had fucking days to sort this”) is unacceptable and I do not expect you to use language like that in a professional conversation with me.

I can see that it is obviously very important to you that I attend. As public transport is not an option due to strike action, and my own vehicle is being repaired, the best way forward would be for you to provide a hire car. I have proactively investigated this option and the cost would be (x) - if you would like to proceed, I can send you the details to make the booking.

Please advise on how you would like me to proceed”

lieselotte · 13/12/2022 09:03

When my car had to go for repair it never occurred to me that it was employers responsibility to get me to work

Me neither. But if my boss really really wanted me to go to a social event that wasn't part of my day to day job (dinner and quiz?), I would expect them to help.

My goodness some people are stupid about Christmas (and other) work socials!

I'd not go if I thought there was going to be a quiz anyway. So tedious. Just let people have their dinner and chat.

I would also be sending an email saying that her language and manner was unprofessional. She's a bully and bullies usually back down when you confront them.

I'd be looking for a job closer to home with a decent boss though.

lieselotte · 13/12/2022 09:06

we do employees a disservice, especially more junior ones, if we don't teach them about the unspoken culture of work, for which you need to spend time with your co workers. It can feel artificial, but genuinely, if people don't have enough time together, any team gets super weird and can't do its work. Just a question of whether that happens quickly or over years

it's not going to hurt if one person in the team isn't there for a good reason - a broken down car and train strikes are good reason. The one thing I would say is OP have you checked the trains because they are running on some lines. My DH has his Christmas lunch today and he can get in for his.

TerraNostra · 13/12/2022 09:07

Yes, I would have driven home - same as any working day. Should be noted that this is an all day function, so nobody will actually be working on the day….

Ah OK, you said it was "dinner" so I was imagining an evening event. I guess that was "dinner" in the Northern sense!

TerraNostra · 13/12/2022 09:07

lieselotte · 13/12/2022 09:06

we do employees a disservice, especially more junior ones, if we don't teach them about the unspoken culture of work, for which you need to spend time with your co workers. It can feel artificial, but genuinely, if people don't have enough time together, any team gets super weird and can't do its work. Just a question of whether that happens quickly or over years

it's not going to hurt if one person in the team isn't there for a good reason - a broken down car and train strikes are good reason. The one thing I would say is OP have you checked the trains because they are running on some lines. My DH has his Christmas lunch today and he can get in for his.

I agree 100% with both parts of this post!

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/12/2022 09:13

Spanglemum · 13/12/2022 08:52

Does the charity have Trustees? I would contact them. I would also email her back with a summary of the conversation and the attempts you've made to sort out your car, and explain that you don't want to be sworn at.

I'd also be looking for another job.

Isn’t this a bit of an over reaction?

I think if you started involving the trustees ( having been one , this is completely outside their remit) the OP would be advised to have another job lined up, because the relationship is not going to recover from that.

xogossipgirlxo · 13/12/2022 09:13

"I get that ‘team building’ etc is important, but she made me feel like I was doing this all on purpose to avoid going."

Your boss does good job "team building" then. Fuck it, OP. You can't come, means you can't. You're not responsible for her overreaction.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 13/12/2022 09:13

RoseMadderAsHell · 13/12/2022 08:36

When my car had to go for repair it never occurred to me that it was employers responsibility to get me to work.
I hired a car.

Not everyone can just magic up the money for a hire car. And what are people who don’t drive supposed to do during a train strike?

WisherWood · 13/12/2022 09:14

There isn't money in the world you could pay me to work for a small charity with the founder still in situ (again).

IME it's small charities in general, although I'm sure there are some great ones out there who do valuable work, some of them can be very tricky. The CEO/ chair can develop founder syndrome. It's very much a dictatorship and it's all so personal for them.

It sounds like this boss is stressed and then is being unprofessional and if this happens a lot, I'd be looking for a way out. Yes, we all get stressed and make mistakes, but it shouldn't be your basic MO.

I'd rule out car hire on expenses grounds. Will the garage lend you anything? My local garage had a loaner. It did look a bit like the loaner in the Mask, but since it belonged to the garage, it did actually run well. Otherwise there's some kind of bus/ car share combo to consider. But I suspect as PP have said, she's getting a lot of no shows and so is getting very frustrated.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/12/2022 09:15

Is this daytime event part of your paid hours in the office? Because that is rather different from a ‘social’ and unpaid event.

WisherWood · 13/12/2022 09:18

I think if you started involving the trustees ( having been one , this is completely outside their remit) the OP would be advised to have another job lined up, because the relationship is not going to recover from that.

I've had to involve trustees in situations like this. It was in my contract. If I had a problem, go to the chair, who was my line manager. If my line manager was the problem, I had no choice but to go to the trustees. There was no HR and there was no-one else I could go to. And the relationship did recover. My boss recognised that she'd way overstepped the line and that I wouldn't tolerate it. I stayed there another three years.

Flapjackquack · 13/12/2022 09:25

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 13/12/2022 08:31

I do love the “Sort it out somehow/Just find a way” brigade. They think they sound very no-nonsense, whereas if actually asked for a suggestion, they don’t have a clue (and go down the “That’s your problem, not mine”route).

Show quote history

@WomanStanleyWoman2 - well if the OP sets off now, I am sure she will be able to walk there in time 😬

Winterswomderer · 13/12/2022 09:25

I know it’s off the point but why was it on speakerphone s your husband was in the room? I find this odd.

CallMeDaphne · 13/12/2022 09:27

NickD87 · 12/12/2022 22:59

She founded the charity….so never really needed to be employed unfortunately. I don’t think she’s ever had to work anywhere else so doesn’t have any other experiences to compare it to. She is like this a lot. Seems to think it’s normal.

Classic Founders syndrome. Just wait until the Trustees approach her to say it is time to talk about a succession plan.

Her party tantrum will pale into insignificance…

felulageller · 13/12/2022 09:27

The thing is, it's clear from your tone that you did not want to go anyway.

If you really wanted to go you'd go.

You chose a job far away.

Sometimes you have to suck up costs like this.

Hotel?

Have you actually checked the trains?

Bus?

Asked anyone for a lift?

Is your car actually unroadworthy?

Doesnt your insurance have a hire car clause if yours needs fixed? I had to have this when I had a job where I needed a car.

But yes your boss absolutely should not have sworn at you.

MaryMollyPolly · 13/12/2022 09:27

I’ve never worked anywhere where there were team-building events, and I’m in my 50s, in the private sector. This Christmas do does sound a bit odd, though. If it’s in work time, but you can’t get there, I would not expect you to be there. Can you offer to work instead?

Sartre · 13/12/2022 09:30

I’d say suggest she pays for a hire car or taxi if it bothers her so much but I actually wouldn’t want to go after that interaction.

emptythelitterbox · 13/12/2022 09:31

Ah the ol mandatory fun.

Probably the only social life she has, so important to her.

Ask her if you can hire a car and charge it to the company.

Kanaloa · 13/12/2022 09:32

Charlize43 · 12/12/2022 22:35

I'd try to be there, or update CV and start looking for a new job.

Due to the way she's reacting now I'd guess that if you are not there she'll take it as a personal slight and find ways to make your life hell next year.

Women are awful to work for. Some of them are bullies and experts in passive aggression. Personally, I've always preferred male bosses.

Well I’d be awful to work for if I had someone like you working for me. Bad enough that we live in this patriarchal society without women being complicit in the oppression by boot licking at every opportunity they get.

MugginsOverEre · 13/12/2022 09:46

Bloody hell! With the COL crisis going on right now the last thing you need is to be forking out for essential and costly car repairs. Realistically there aren't many of us who could have "sorted something out" in a few days when the only way of sorting it out is to pay out a shit tonne of money we don't have to go to something that isn't actually essential. Car hire is so expensive and if you're anything like us, to be able to get one within a couple of days, it's an hours journey to go pick one up at an out of town car dealership in the middle of nowhere that you can't get to anyway because you don't have fucking transport! (Happened to us and the stress of finding a car for my husband to be able to go to work was ridiculous. Thank god my stepdad was able to lend us his car.)

Must be nice to be on a CEO wage and to just magic up solutions so easily with your expense account.

chaosmaker · 13/12/2022 09:50

I was thinking what emptythelitterbox said, that work is her entire social life. So you'd be wrecking her xmas. Otherwise her reaction sounds very over the top. Also is team building important for outside contractors who probably don't work as part of the team anyway? I wouldn't go but then I hate having to do stuff because xmas...