Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my boss is over reacting over non-attendance at Christmas party.

121 replies

NickD87 · 12/12/2022 21:58

I work remotely about 100 miles from my office. It’s a small charity (about 15 staff) and the CEO has been there for 30 years. Pretty old school.

I go into the office every couple of weeks.

This Wednesday is our office Christmas party. The CEO hasn’t really spoken about much else for the past few weeks and it’s been a bit of a bore. Essentially, it’s a dinner in the office, a cake decorating competition and then a quiz….

Anyway, my car stopped working on Friday afternoon. Tried everything I could to get it sorted. Sunday I paid a weekend rate for a call-out (£180 for basically some diagnostics) and only managed to find a garage who can take it at short notice today. It needs a lot of work with some critical electrical faults and is essentially quite dangerous to drive at the moment. The only day I can get it sorted is Christmas ‘party’ day.

I called her to explain, on speakerphone as I was working and husband was working in the same room.

At first she literally just kept giving grunts and then went on about how this was a very important event and I should make every effort to be there. She asked if I could get a train instead, but there is a strike on. She then gave a veiled threat that this wouldn’t look good to the rest of the team - or my upcoming annual 1-2-1. She then said I’d “had fucking days to get this sorted” (although I had spent all day Friday trying to fix the issue and then got a weekend mechanic out).

She calmed down once I got quite assertive with her, but even my husband was shocked at how emotional she got. It was really out of proportion.

I get that ‘team building’ etc is important, but she made me feel like I was doing this all on purpose to avoid going.

By the way, she also knows I have a family funeral this week - so that’ll also be difficult without a car! Yet this all seems more important to her…

OP posts:
SomeBeings · 12/12/2022 23:39

OP,
I'd send her an email outlining the conversation (I'd quote the sentence where she swears) I say how you were shocked by the tone and that you are concerned that she didn't understand why you can't be there. Maybe ask for what the official position on this situation is? Or something similar.

butterfliedtwo · 12/12/2022 23:42

She's a rude cow. Start looking for another job; this woman has already threatened you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/12/2022 23:43

i would have pointed out that her swearing was extremely unprofessional and asked her to call back when she felt calmer.

Asking her to cover the cost of a hire car is a great idea.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 12/12/2022 23:50

Charlize43 · 12/12/2022 22:35

I'd try to be there, or update CV and start looking for a new job.

Due to the way she's reacting now I'd guess that if you are not there she'll take it as a personal slight and find ways to make your life hell next year.

Women are awful to work for. Some of them are bullies and experts in passive aggression. Personally, I've always preferred male bosses.

@Charlize43 might I suggest you have a look at the 17 points on the Internalised Misogyny Scale
I think you might find it a revelation!

Crunched · 13/12/2022 00:05

I get where she is coming from- not that I would ever swear at an employee.
In my (small) business I can clearly see that cohesion in the team reaps so many rewards - not just financially, job satisfaction and general well-being is enhanced- and with hybrid working it is now much harder to achieve.
I would have no problem in paying for a hire car for you in the situation described. Definitely ask, as she may not realise you have a genuine wish to attend.

chaosmaker · 13/12/2022 00:16

EthicalNonMahogany · 12/12/2022 23:13

This boss sounds shite. But I have sympathy with trying to make people come in for team building activities. They never seem to see the link between their constant choice to stay at home and inability to face the social world of the office, and their growing anxieties, paranoia, poor mental health, distrust and dislike of colleagues. Seems like this boss is getting over invested in the event. But for every boss like that, spare a thought for bosses like me, a boss who isn't really loving the Xmas party, but just wants the bloody team to gel a bit and get on with each other.

But you don't have to like the people you are stuck working with to be able to do a good job. Team building is crap.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/12/2022 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/12/2022 00:29

She then said I’d “had fucking days to get this sorted” (although I had spent all day Friday trying to fix the issue and then got a weekend mechanic out).

To be fair OP - you did answer "prescience" to her Best Ever Interview Question "what is your greatest attribute?"

Obviously, possessing the magical ability to know exactly when your car was going to throw a strop, you should have booked in a mechanic BEFORE it happened.

More seriously - I'd be emailing her that her tone, language & expectations are unreasonable & unprofessional, & that I don't appreciate being threatened with a downgraded annual 1-2-1 due to transport issues beyond my control.
Just to get it on record.

Bestcatmum · 13/12/2022 00:33

Cake decorating competition. That would have me running for the hills for a start. Bloody hell.

HeddaGarbled · 13/12/2022 00:41

Ah, she’s put a lot of time and effort into organising the event and is upset that you’re dropping out (and you probably won’t be the only one). Over-invested and unprofessional, yes. Unhinged, fucking bitch and absolute loon, no.

You were right to be assertive, but you need to leave it now, and maybe find a smidgen of sympathy when her much anticipated event is a bit of a damp squib.

lionsandwhales · 13/12/2022 00:42

ThinWomansBrain · 12/12/2022 22:15

I don't think I'd want to work for anyone that spoke to me like that - I'd be updating my CV.
& hoping she chokes on her christmas cake.

This.
In some workplaces Xmas parties are really work functions and important for “networking” and brokering deals. If this is more important to her than you and you are not seeking progression in your network, your decent boss may still expect you to come but would be sympathetic and help you get there (e.g by paid taxi). Unless you have dropped out of many work arrangements recently and she is already hacked off with you, it sounds like she wants you there. She also seems toxic and not most people’s cup of tea. It’s in your court.

Member869894 · 13/12/2022 00:45

in all seriousness I would ask if she could pay for a taxi

Agapornis · 13/12/2022 00:54

I knew she'd founded the charity before you even said it Grin
Take it you've been there a couple of years now, and you and fellow eye-rollig colleagues have had enough of the reluctance to change, old fashioned approaches, authoritarian attitude?... Bet the donors are happy their money is being used for this party.

louderthan · 13/12/2022 00:56

Ragwort · 12/12/2022 22:51

I cannot imagine working for someone who spoke to me like that ... I would at the very least send her a strongly worded email regarding her lack of professionalism in the way she addressed you.

And what charity employs someone like that? I have worked for a number of charities and wouldn't tolerate that.

I would be doing that and CC'ing HR and my union rep... but I'm in a heavily unionised public sector organisation and this shit absolutely would not fly.
As soon as she swore at you like that on a professional call she put herself in the wrong.

TerraNostra · 13/12/2022 01:21

Was she expecting you to drive 100 miles home after the party? What was the original plan for getting home again before your car broke down?

Youdoyoubabe · 13/12/2022 01:40

The company coudl send a driver for you idd= nwwswded

zingboom · 13/12/2022 02:30

You normally work remotely - but what is your base office in your contract? If it's your home address, she's being unreasonable. If it's actually the office 100 miles away, it's your choice to live so far away and you should be paying for your own rental car.

I suspect though, that you're a designated remote worker, in which case trying to make the big Christmas do is nice, but it's not unexpected if you can't make it due to the weather (or strikes or car problems). You're probably not the problem - she's probably having issues getting people who live much closer to go, and she was hoping by saying you were going even though you live so far away that she could guilt the others into turning up.

ilovesooty · 13/12/2022 03:03

chaosmaker · 13/12/2022 00:16

But you don't have to like the people you are stuck working with to be able to do a good job. Team building is crap.

Show quote history

@EthicalNonMahogany didn't say you had to like your colleagues, just form a professional relationship where you can get on with them.

In the case of the OP, the way she's been spoken to is unprofessional. I agree with @Ragwort. I worked for a charity for 15 years and was never spoken to like that. My line manager in my last teaching role used that approach frequently though (male, as it happens).

Ragwort · 13/12/2022 03:12

Is it a registered charity ? (& if not, why not). I have recently been involved in the process of registering our small 'organisation' as a charity and there is so much protocol and paperwork to go through regarding politics and procedures, code of conduct etc. She sounds totally unprofessional and unethical... how are the funds raised? I suggest asking some serious questions. Does the charity have Trustees?

I do appreciate the point about 'team building' but she is going about it in totally the wrong way.

Blueberrywitch · 13/12/2022 03:18

I would ask if you can expense a car hire and hotel for the night for the event (or not drink obviously) or if you can expense a taxi. As PP mentioned, she might not realise this isn’t just an excuse, by taking the initiative for a solution this will help soothe any ruffled feathers over this seeming like just an excuse. Also I’m guessing your DH doesn’t have a car you can borrow?

ImustLearn2Cook · 13/12/2022 03:29

If it means that much to her perhaps she could have offered to give you a lift rather than swearing at you.

sashh · 13/12/2022 03:30

She'd hate me, I don't do Xmas. Not everyone is Christian in this country.

MistyRock · 13/12/2022 03:32

chaosmaker · 13/12/2022 00:16

But you don't have to like the people you are stuck working with to be able to do a good job. Team building is crap.

Show quote history

No you don't, but it helps massively if you do. Less staff turn over, better working environment etc. I've stayed in many jobs due to liking my work colleagues and enjoying the working atmosphere. I've left a few jobs due to low staff marole and working with wankers.

abblie · 13/12/2022 03:53

You paid £180 for a call out and diagnostic test 😳 you've been taken on yhats extortionate! I had a call out and diagnostic test a few week ago for 2016 audi and it cost me £30

melchim · 13/12/2022 04:46

HeddaGarbled · 13/12/2022 00:41

Ah, she’s put a lot of time and effort into organising the event and is upset that you’re dropping out (and you probably won’t be the only one). Over-invested and unprofessional, yes. Unhinged, fucking bitch and absolute loon, no.

You were right to be assertive, but you need to leave it now, and maybe find a smidgen of sympathy when her much anticipated event is a bit of a damp squib.

This is a bit how I feel about it too.

She didn't respond well but I know the feeling when people cancel on a party you've been excited & over anxious preparing. She should have been more low key about it all.