To think my boss is over reacting over non-attendance at Christmas party.

[NickD87]

I work remotely about 100 miles from my office. It’s a small charity (about 15 staff) and the CEO has been there for 30 years. Pretty old school.

I go into the office every couple of weeks.

This Wednesday is our office Christmas party. The CEO hasn’t really spoken about much else for the past few weeks and it’s been a bit of a bore. Essentially, it’s a dinner in the office, a cake decorating competition and then a quiz….

Anyway, my car stopped working on Friday afternoon. Tried everything I could to get it sorted. Sunday I paid a weekend rate for a call-out (£180 for basically some diagnostics) and only managed to find a garage who can take it at short notice today. It needs a lot of work with some critical electrical faults and is essentially quite dangerous to drive at the moment. The only day I can get it sorted is Christmas ‘party’ day.

I called her to explain, on speakerphone as I was working and husband was working in the same room.

At first she literally just kept giving grunts and then went on about how this was a very important event and I should make every effort to be there. She asked if I could get a train instead, but there is a strike on. She then gave a veiled threat that this wouldn’t look good to the rest of the team - or my upcoming annual 1-2-1. She then said I’d “had fucking days to get this sorted” (although I had spent all day Friday trying to fix the issue and then got a weekend mechanic out).

She calmed down once I got quite assertive with her, but even my husband was shocked at how emotional she got. It was really out of proportion.

I get that ‘team building’ etc is important, but she made me feel like I was doing this all on purpose to avoid going.

By the way, she also knows I have a family funeral this week - so that’ll also be difficult without a car! Yet this all seems more important to her…

That's what you've taken from the thread!? Audi wanker wants to drop into conversation they have an Audi 🤣🤣🤣

OP I'd defo ask for a taxi / rental to be paid for. Feck that. Horrible way to be spoken to for something so unimportant 😕

Renting a car to go to a party is a terrible misuse of charity funds.

Boss is being extreme. She wouldn’t behave like this with a man.

Is the party in paid working time on a day you are usually contracted to be in the office?

Are you a designated remote worker ?

No way should she have spoken to you like that, obviously.

But I also have some sympathy now for many bosses trying to manage some employees who chose to move miles away during the pandemic, view working from home as a right and any attendance at the office a massive concession that the employer needs to take responsibility for facilitating.

Not saying this is you, but if it is on a day you are contracted to be in the office her frustration is more understandable.

@chaosmaker some team building activities are poorly designed and delivered yes. But we do employees a disservice, especially more junior ones, if we don't teach them about the unspoken culture of work, for which you need to spend time with your co workers. It can feel artificial, but genuinely, if people don't have enough time together, any team gets super weird and can't do its work. Just a question of whether that happens quickly or over years.

This is a complete derail though sorry, and I'm not at all suggesting that OPs boss is thinking along those lines. But if she's not a good boss she probably has a vague sense of it and it's coming out badly, and very emotionally as "Why doesn't everyone care about this as much as I do!!!!!"

To be honest my car blowing up wouldn’t be an excuse for me to miss work. I’d be expected to sort it quickly or find a way around it. I do think it’s over the top but she sounds stressed. It’ll be old news in a week.

I’ve always loathed command performances on my own time. I had one job that demanded we not only HAD to show up to the staff appreciation party, but also demanded we pay a deposit for the tickets they were forcing us to buy! You’d be refunded as long as you showed up. I was a few weeks from my due date and had to argue my case that I could be in labour, and was exhausted as it was by the time I got home. It wasn’t until I threatened to call the labour board that my boss (freaking head of HR!) backed down.

My time is MY time. You want me anywhere outside of my regular work hours, pay me.

What the fuck? What the actual fuck?

She sounds unhinged.
I notice you said that she often reacts like this.
I couldn't work for someone like that.

I'd be leaving a job where my boss thought it was okay to swear at me

I like the idea of asking her to pay for a rental car/taxi to see just how important it’s meant to be. She sounds like a child throwing her toys out the pram. Sometimes shit happens. Lots of people can’t get to work at the moment because of rail strikes. The whole point is to cause disruption.

@Charlize43’s head would explode at my team. We all happen to be women. I have 3 women above me. They are all working mothers, all incredibly flexible and understanding of life‘s ups and downs. It makes such a difference. The last man I worked for in comparison was an arse who valued presenteeism above all else.

she has handled this very badly/ inappropriately.

but i can kind of see her point, it can be really disappointing when members of a small team can’t attend things. as a manager youre damned if you don’t arrange things and damned if you do.

i really struggle with work events and enforced fun so i would be looking for any excuse but sometimes you just have to see it as a work obligation.

Women are awful to work for. Some of them are bullies and experts in passive aggression. Personally, I've always preferred male bosses.

Not true. The only awful boss I had was male. My line manager and HOD are female, and are fantastic bosses.

I can see how team building element would be a benefit in the longer term but what if (like a lot of people) you don't celebrate Christmas? She needs to be clear on the reasons she wants you all to attend.
If it's on your own time she can't make you do anything. If it's on work time I suppose she can ask a bit more.
In practical terms do any of the other employees live any where near you?

The worst (and probably only) roasting of my life came from my CEO of a small charity. 20 mins shouting on the phone because I had taken issue over an unnecessarily shirty email he'd sent. He took a break in the middle and then phoned me back for round 2!

I'm a gentle person and I remember being unable to speak because my mouth was so dry and shaking with stress whilst this was going on. I'm so angry with myself that I didn't stop him and tell him to call back when he'd calmed down.

He did apologise at the end and I emailed him later to let him know how unprofessional and unacceptable it was. And he apologised again.

But he did it regularly to other team members, he was just a bully. But he's given me excellent references for other charity roles since and was telling me the other day how good I was when working for him.... He's obviously forgotten but I haven't!

My DH once worked for a charity where the CEO checked every bit of incoming and outgoing post herself. Senior managers were let go regularly - they set up a support group to cope with the trauma.

Charities are not always fluffy places to work....

If my boss swore at me I would immediately start looking for other jobs.

It's a 100 mile trip and there's a train strike. What exactly do you suggest OP does?

Is the event in your work hours or in your free time? If it’s in your time I’d say to her that you won’t be there because she verbally abused you on the phone. Is there. anyone higher than your boss that you can put in a complaint to.

For one I'm not a wanker but you my dear are one cheeky ignorant c**t !

I was merely explaining the difference in prices I've also a Ford but sure

that sounds awful, OP. I'd call today and say that you realise she was stressed but that isn't the way to talk to anyone let alone an employee.

Ask her for suggestions how you can get there (tbh I'd say National express?) with no guarantee from your side that you can make it.

I do actually agree with PP though that team building is important especially with so many WFH people, and that it is up to people to make sure they can get to their place of employment. Also agree with OP that this is a one-off that has come at exactly the wrong time though.

As for this:

Women are awful to work for. Some of them are bullies and experts in passive aggression. Personally, I've always preferred male bosses.

Stop it. It is icredible that if this boss had been a man nobody would have said "men are shit to work for" because, strangely, the actions of one man aren't extrapolated to be the actions of all men. But one women makes a scene and all women are irrational harpies who can't be put in management positions. I have had truly awful bosses of both sexes. The very worst had a layer of misogyny on top that made it all so much worse. He was a man.

Founder syndrome.

There isn't money in the world you could pay me to work for a small charity with the founder still in situ (again).

@Confusion101 - I saw a good case of car mentionitis on Nextdoor yesterday. Someone was asking if anyone could help grit her drive as she was elderly and a man came on to say he had a nightmare getting his BMW off his drive because of the ice. No offer of help, no practical advise, just posting to let us all know he had a BMW 😂

Ring her to confirm that you won't be attending and say your reasons why
And record the call
And look for another job

Yes, I would have driven home - same as any working day. Should be noted that this is an all day function, so nobody will actually be working on the day….

I do love the “Sort it out somehow/Just find a way” brigade. They think they sound very no-nonsense, whereas if actually asked for a suggestion, they don’t have a clue (and go down the “That’s your problem, not mine”route).

When my car had to go for repair it never occurred to me that it was employers responsibility to get me to work.
I hired a car.