Mum friends are boring

[Shesaformidableactress]

That sounds really awful I know..and it’s probably me that’s actually boring these days…I just find my mum friends very nice, but really dull. It’s the circle I’m in now and I’m grateful to have them but I don’t feel the same sense of fun or interest when meeting up as I did with my other friends…from school, college, work etc. I’m still in touch with my old friends but they all live far away.
It just feels sort of false and surface level, I feel a bit lonely in these friendships I suppose, does anyone have similar?

It was very much the case in my day and seems to be a theme of regular threads on here.
I think it can be a highly charged dynamic when a relationship centres around children. There seems a lot of potential for hurt feelings around children not being sufficiently included, disputes between children spilling over, and competitiveness, either actual or percieved.
Then there's the different standards and attitudes around parenting that result in a lot of judgement. 'She gives her kids Mcdonalds' 'They drink with the children in the house' 'I can't let my Raymond go to such a dirty home'....
I've lost count of the threads where posters have got close enough to another mum to have scratched the surface and discovered something that makes them wonder if they should 'distance themselves'.

I find the term 'mum friends' very strange, same with 'work friends', 'school gate friends' etc etc. Surely you collect friends from all different stages of your life, and you are friends with them because you get along. I have genuine friends from NCT, school, work, university. I consider them all my friends.

Totally agree. It’s because the connection was formed through you both having children so I’ve noticed the conversation constantly revolves around that mutual connection. I obviously love my DC but don’t want to sit discussing their sleep schedules or tantrums.

Of course and it’s depressing in a that these friendships are pigeonholed as “mum friendships” because it obscures what the real people are like underneath this.

The problem is, though, that friendships forged at this time of life often don’t allow space for anything more expansive or interesting to emerge.

I was pretty ruthless at cutting out the boring mum friends after my DS was a year old. I've got a handful of mum friends that are really interesting, smart, ambitious women that make me feel energised. I would say that you just need to meet more mums so that you can be choosy.

I know lots of mums who are not in the slightest bit boring! They are interesting, intelligent women living varied lives. However my children are older now. I do remember the mum friends I had when they were babies. All we talked about for that first year was babies, nappies weaning, sleep, poo etc. I was sooo happy to get back to work at talk to people who had no interest in babies!! I could finally talk about other stuff. It wasn't actually the women who were boring (they weren't at all) it's just that our lives were boring. Everything revolved around our babies and we wanted to talk about it because it was so new and strange (and we weren't really doing anything else).

I do find it odd that many ‘mums’ are insistent that all other mums are boring and they’re the only interesting and exciting one in the group. Realistically, that’s unlikely to be the case. You probably just don’t have anything in common, and they might find you boring too.
You don’t have to make friends with people just because they have kids the same age as yours. I have many mum acquaintances, we are friendly and socialise together but I wouldn’t call them friends. I also have some very good friends who I happened to meet through us having children of a similar age, but they would have become friends regardless of where I met them.

Mum friends probably won’t be falling over drunk, taking drugs or getting home at 4am as much but they don’t have to be boring. I find having a good laugh over the silly things in life can break down barriers. You just need to be cheeky and humorous and get them laughing. But without slagging people off. Once you have made people laugh a few times they will relax around you.

The reason is that a lot of parenting can be competitive and parents don’t want to get caught slipping, so they maintain more distance.

That's because the only thing you have in common is your young children and young children rarely make interesting subjects for conversation. How many chats about feeding schedules and toilet training can you have before you enter the realm of tedium.

Gosh, how did you manage to be so intelligent and interesting even though you are a mum?

You summed up what I meant to say.

I think it depends if you feel you can take the friendships deeper. I have two separate mum groups and one is definitely deeper than the other. What helped with getting below surface level was actually going out for dinner or a drink without the kids. Meant we could have proper in depth chats about things beyond being a mum. When you meet up with the kids it can be hard to have more than superficial conversations because you always have one eye on the kids themselves. I’ve never met up with the other group without the kids, we’ve suggested it but it never happened so it does feel more like we’re mum friends rather than deeper friends.

But if you don’t feel the others would be up for taking opportunities to go deeper then you might need to look elsewhere for that level of friendship.

It’s a combination of luck and putting the effort in. there’s no reason why you should get on well with a bunch of people just because you gave birth at the same time. Just as with any other group of people. It doesn’t mean that everyone who does make proper friends with other mothers is dull, just that they were luckier than you, or maybe they put more effort into getting to know people.

I agree. I have friends I met because our children were in the same class at school, and were friends with one another -- as DS only transferred to the school aged 8 after an international move, I invited the classmates he liked around for a playdate, and gradually got to know their parents. Now we're established friends, and that feels likely to continue regardless of whether the DCs' friendships continue into secondary school.

But I don't have a separate category of 'mum friends'. Though I always notice on Mn that a not inconsiderable proportion of posters posting about friendships woes seem to have a category of 'friends they don't appear to like at all', with 'friends' in this context appearing to mean 'someone I sometimes see socially because they're friends with someone I actually like'.

Don't spend time with people you don't like.

Same for me. One lasting friendship from a baby group 15 years ago. I do find after 4 kids that even the mums you chat to daily, go on walks with, have play dates with, even go out to the pub and dinner with stopped abruptly when the kids go their separate ways. Enjoy it for what it is but it's not real friendships. Lots of mums are just looking for friendships on convenience which has made me more guarded towards friendships in general

Hopefully all these seemingly rare beasts who have managed to retain a personality after becoming a mum against all odds can find each other, and then they’ll have exciting mum friends 😂

I don't know if I have mum friends or if some of my friends just happen to have kids??

Well I met one of my best friends at the park, I guess I wouldn't have met her if our kids wernt there so she's a mum friend, she's great, cooks for me, comes round when I'm struggling, we laugh all the time. I'd be friends with her even if it wasn't for the kids, snd can say the same about quite a few of my 'mum' friends. Sounds like you just haven't met the right people yet.

Sadly I've had this too. I blame the place we chose to live. DH agrees and we are trying to change that (it's not very nice). I had a lot of trauma growing up so I don't trust or open up. It's a shame. I enjoy talking to people generally but pair that with having so little spare time to forge friendships......I think things will improve when children older and we move to a new town. I love getting to know people but it just hasn't turned into friendships.

What is a peanut mum?

Maybe your looking for friendship in the wrong place. I know a lot of mums and go to play dates with a few. I wouldn't class any of them as actual friends as we don't have much in common besides the stage the kids are at. I'm still in contact with mates from my home city and uni. I male the effort to catch up when I'm home. I also maintain those friendships, through texting, calling and Facebook.

Ha fair enough, and I actually do know what you mean, but I blame it on circumstance rather than most mums being dim.

I agree with a pp who said that many mums are careful about what they say as they’re conscious these school gate friendships are about the DC and not them. Which is actually fair enough too.

100% agree!

I had my third baby with fairly big age gaps this year in April.

Returned to work after 10 weeks but went down to four days... have not attempted baby groups at all. I just think I have enough friends and I can't be bothered with the dull mummy conversations. We do our own thing on days off.